


Let me slip away I'm barely holding on

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Bipolar Ian, Depression, Discussions of Past Trauma, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Ian and Mickey vs everyone else, Lots of feelings and talking and other stuff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mickey is okay with being gay and out to himself but not out to others, More tags to be added if needed, Not related to canon at all, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-07-29 13:58:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 99,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7687285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian and Mickey were childhood friends until life and circumstances pulled them apart when Mickey was 19 and Ian 18 and they lost touch with each other.  They drifted apart until circumstances pulls them back together three years later.  When they meet again they realize more than just friendship develops between them but they both have deep seated issues they are dealing with too individually.  Its been three long years and now Mickey is 22 and Ian is 21 when life pulls them back together and they meet again in a psychiatric hospital and become closer than they could have ever imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I couldnt co-exist with the cold and suspicious.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for my summary not being that good, I really worked on it and rewrote it until I have what I have.

Mickey walked slowly down the hall following the nurse in front of him not listening to a word she was saying about rules and regulations as he wondered how the hell did he end up here of all places. It wasnt prison which was a relief to him but prison wouldnt have been a surprise at all but he still didnt know how he ended up in a psychiatric hospital of all places. He looked around nervously replaying the events that led to this moment.

He remembered being in the bar with his father mouthing off and then starting a bar brawl with the man by admitting he was gay. Next he knew there was a fight, then police were called, then there was a court room and a judge and then he was here before he could blink. It was all a blur and the fight and flight instinct hadnt settled down yet since he was still shaking from adrenaline and his fists were starting to hurt too as well as his bruised face and body even though the fight was a few days ago.

Mickey sniffed and rubbed at his nose ignoring the sting of pain when he brushed against his bruised eye and spilt lip that still hadnt healed. Mickey softly licked at cut in his lip feeling the sting of pain hating that he decided to admit to being gay in front of everyone, he didnt mean to do it, it just happened. He figured it was because he sick of his father mouthing off about girls all the time and when he was going to have a girlfriend.

But what really drove him over the edge and pissed him off was the way his father practically sold him off to the highest bidder or because his father decided to marry him off and Mickey wasnt having it at all. No fucking way was he getting married to a fucking girl he knew he would hate and end up miserable living a lie just to keep up the pretense that he was straight.

There was pretending to be straight and living a lie by himself which he was okay with but no fucking way was he dragging some innocent bystander into the life he decided to live inside a closet. Mickey hated that idea, he knew how horrible it was to be chained up in a closet and it took him a long time to admit to himself that he was gay. It took him a longer time to be okay with it and comfortable with himself and the odd one night stands he had in Boystown when ever he could sneak off there without raising his father's suspicions.

But Mickey drew the line at dragging someone else into his lie especially in an unwanted marriage and then thought of having to have sex with a woman to keep up that pretence. It was just a big fat no in Mickey's mind as he knew he didnt have the energy to keep up the pretence of being straight anymore now that he was finally okay with being gay and he was also done letting his father control his life.

Mickey let out a sigh of relief realizing where he was and the safety it provided as it meant his father couldnt get to him anymore or at least for the six month stay that he was here for. Mickey still wasnt listening to the nurse as he walked down the corridor taking in the open rooms around him and the people who occupied the rooms. Mickey followed her into a room and was broken from his thoughts when he saw a red head lying on the bed in the corner of the small room beside the wall staring at the ceiling.

Mickey instantly recognized him as Ian Gallagher and he couldnt believe his luck as he never thought he would see Ian ever again since they had drifted apart three years ago. They had been friends right up until Mickey was nineteen and Ian was only eighteen and Mickey hadnt seen the redhead in three years. Mickey didnt know what it was that made them drift apart, they were best friends but Mickey figured that the increasing shit with father might have had something to do with it.

Mickey realized straight away that he couldnt hide to himself anymore just how much he missed Ian and decided he wanted his friend back. He was also glad that if he had to be stuck in a room with someone he was glad it was Ian. Mickey noticed Ian years ago and had a huge crush on him but never did anything about it. He had plenty a dreams of being locked in a room with Ian but not like this, nothing like how they were now.

Mickey wondered why Ian was here but was broken from his thoughts when he heard the nurse tell him "this is your room for your stay here" firmly. Mickey silently looked at her as she walked away before looking back at Ian who was silently looking at him with a suprised expression. Mickey shook his head looking at Ian softly blurting out "hey long time no see" before walking over to the other bed that was on the opposite side of the room and sat down on it letting his bag fall on the floor.

Ian rolled onto his side to face Mickey replying "hey its good to see you" not adding I miss you and I'm sorry. Ian had been lying on the bed staring at the ceiling of his room in the hospital feeling absolutely miserable. He hated that his fucked up brain decided to derail his whole life, he hated that it made his own family hate him too. He hated that he lost his only friends Mickey and Mandy Milkovich because his brain decided to send him AWOL with Monica.

Ian had only been here a few days and he wished he was somewhere else, he wished he could be someone else too. He wished he wasnt Ian Gallagher from the Southside of Chicago, he wished he was some rich person from the Northside of Chicago with a perfect life and a perfect brain too. He just wanted to be alone or move to somewhere where no one knew who he was or where he came from or that he was bipolar.

He hated everything and everyone and he hated himself even more than the other two things put together and he hated that he needed medication to function properly. It was the reason why he could never stick to the medications, they just made him feel worse and he didnt get why his family couldnt understand that at all. He tried to explain it to them but they wouldnt listen, they just called him Monica and looked at him like he was about to lose his shit completely or run off or kill himself.

The last straw for him was overhearing Lip and Fiona saying they couldnt relax around him, they were always on eggshells around him, they didnt know who he was anymore and that he was just a burden, another Monica they couldnt deal with anymore. When Ian heard those words they hurt so much, he never thought his own siblings would turn on him and call him Monica.

Ian couldnt stand the tension in the house anymore and he didnt want to be around them so the next day he left and voluntarily booked himself into the hospital and didnt tell anyone where he was going. He figured if he was crazy and a burden and another Monica then he should do them a favor and leave so he left and didnt plan on ever going back at all.

He didnt really think his plan through and he wasnt sure where he would go when he left this place. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he heard voices in his room and looked over to the door to see the nurse with a stranger and he realized it was Mickey Milkovich. Ian silently looked at the man with a slack jaw and surprised expression watching Mickey silently stare back at him with a blank expression but Ian noticed the million different emotions flickering through his eyes. Ian hated that they drifted apart, he hated that it was another thing he let go all because Monica got into his head.

Ian was still staring at Mickey not able to deny that he still wanted more than just friendship with Mickey. Ian silently swallowed the dry lump in his mouth as the nurse left and Mickey went to the bed on the other side of the room. He let his bag fall on the floor before lying down the bed facing Ian. They didnt talk for the rest of the day both of them not finding the nerve within them to start a conversation since they didnt know where to start so they just silently looked at each other until it was lights out.

* * *

 

The next morning Ian woke up facing the wall and turned around and settled down under the thin sheet silently looking at Mickey who was also awake lying on his back staring at the ceiling. There was no tension or awkwardness in the room and Ian was relieved that they seemed to fall back into that familiar relaxed state and comfortable silences they always had when they used to be friends.

Ian really tried to talk to Mickey last night but every time he tried the words rotted and fell away from his mouth and all he was left with was the feeling that Mickey didnt want to talk either. He didnt know that Mickey was also trying to talk but didnt know where to start on why they drifted apart as he couldnt find the words to say without them sounding like an excuse.

Mickey didnt know what to say, did he say I missed you, why did you leave but he knew Ian probably thought that he was the one that left so he remained silent even in the morning light on a new day. Ian had already been in the hospital for a few days before Mickey walked into the room but as he looked at the beaten up guy across from him he felt bad for ignoring him all day yesterday and last night.

But Ian didnt have the energy to talk to him, he didnt know what to say and it didnt help that the meds made him feel numb and make him want to be alone. But he felt strange as he looked at his former friend, he felt like he wasnt alone anymore and at that realization he just felt relief and hope that Mickey didnt hate him for leaving. Ian swallowed the dryness in his mouth and throat before blurting out "hey Mickey" softly.

Mickey looked over at him silently before replying "hey Ian" softly. A silence fell before Ian shyly asked "how come youre in here...you dont have to answer that, sorry, I'm just curious" softly. Mickey darkly laughed replying "long fucking story, you" firmly. Ian nodded replying "same here, long fucking story" not adding maybe longer. Another silence fell before Ian blurted out "how long you in here for" softly.

Mickey looked at him replying "six months, didnt think you would see me in here did you" with a smirk. Ian softly laughed replying "a Milkovich, fuck no" humouredly. Mickey laughed at the response knowing he heard worse as he moved to lie on his side facing Ian with a small smile not hiding how glad he was to see him on his expression. Mickey asked "how long you in here for" curiously.

Ian looked at him shrugging his shoulder replying "only got here a few days ago so I dont know" softly. Mickey noticed Ian tensed up so let the subject drop as they fell into a comfortable silence. Ian's mind wondered to if Mickey would be another person who would look at him like he was crazy. Ian knew he wouldnt be suprised at all considering everyone else including his family already did so why should anything change now.

Ian thought over Mickey asking how long he would be here for and Ian didnt really know, he wasnt sure he ever wanted to go back home because it was full of bad memories of the times he was manic and depressive. He did a lot of things that he was ashamed of and regretted when he was manic and it didnt help that Monica also involved. All he wanted was for someone to not look at him like he was broken and like something that needed to be fixed.

Ian hated that he couldnt get rid of the emptiness he felt deep inside himself that he would never admit to anyone because he didnt want their pity or sympathy. Ian just felt so alone and he wasnt sure he could hide it for much longer but he knew as long as he was here he wouldnt be a burden on his family. He knew that they all thought he was a burden, he overheard Lip and Fiona one night having a fight about him and the word slipped out but Ian didnt stay around any longer to hear what else was said about it.

Ian knew he had been sliding towards another depressive episode and his family walking around him on eggshells were making it worse and he needed space which was why he voluntarily entered the hospital. There were days that it was hard because Ian felt alone, more alone than he ever felt in his whole life not that he ever let it show. It was a part of him he pushed down each day and made sure no one could ever see it because he didnt want them thinking he was weak.

Sometimes he wondered if he felt that way before his bipolar disorder made an appearance in his life. Ian hated being bipolar, he hated that his fucked up brain needed a bunch of different drugs to function properly and he hated even more that he was the only one in his whole family with the disorder. Even worse than that was that he knew no one would want to be around him because of it and he hated it and he knew from experience that it was true.

When his disorder made its appearance he was in denial and it was a long road to acceptance and stability. It hurt that when people he made friends with found out about his disorder they were suddenly too busy and walked away from him and didnt want to be in his company. Ian also tried going out with a few guys at first but they disappeared when they found out about his disorder and one of them told him he didnt want to be with a crazy person.

That was a bitter sting for Ian and it hurt so much that he decided he was done with people because they didnt want him so he decided he didnt need them, he didnt need anyone but himself and that was all that mattered. He was tired of putting himself out there and getting hurt all the time so to protect himself he kept to himself and never let anyone get close to him or get to know him.

Ian wasnt sure he could handle it if another person rejected him because all they saw was his disorder and Ian knew he was more than his disorder. But his family couldnt see past it and he hated it, he hated that he made them walk around on eggshells which was why he signed himself into hospital. All Ian wanted was a connection to someone who understood what it was like to have a mental disorder because he just felt so alone all the time and hid it very well.

Ian hated that he felt afraid all the time. He was afraid of ending up alone because no one would accept him for him and look past his disorder. He was even more afraid of becoming Monica and proving his family right. But he was slowly coming to accept that he would probably be alone for the rest of his life and he was surprised that he was starting to be okay with it.

He didnt think he deserved to be happy and sometimes he wondered if Monica was right when she told him no one would ever understand him the way she did. But he also knew he didnt want to live that life going between mania and depression, he needed to do something because he was barely holding on the way things were going lately. Ian shook himself out of his thoughts looking at Mickey blurting out "are we still friends" hesitantly.

Mickey looked at him with a raised eyebrow letting out a scoff replying "course we fucking are, we never werent" firmly. Ian softly smiled feeling the tears form in his eyes replying "I'm sorry for leaving you and running off with Monica" sadly. Mickey let out a sigh replying "you got nothing to be sorry about okay, shit happens and I'm sorry too for leaving you" firmly. Ian wiped the tears from his eyes slightly shaking his head whispering "neither do you but yeah shit happens" not able to say anything as they silently looked at each other.


	2. Yesterday I found my worst regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the response from the last chapter.

Mickey quickly realized he missed Ian a lot more than he thought he did over the years. He thought about Ian a lot over the last three years after he left with Monica and Mickey hated himself for letting Ian leave and did nothing but worry about Ian until he realized Ian could take care of himself. They kept in touch everyday until after six months the calls and texts became less frequent and Mickey decided that Ian would come back when he came back and that when Ian did come back they would just pick up their friendship again and Mickey looked forward to that day.

But as the days passed and a terrifying call from Ian one night pushed Mickey into looking for Ian but he couldnt find him and reluctantly stopped to avoid attention from his father. It didnt help matters because Mickey still worried about Ian all the time before realizing that Ian was tough, he didnt go down so easy and fought hard like he was a Milkovich.  Mickey refused to think the worst had happened to Ian, he was too afraid to entertain the thought of a life without Ian in it because he already missed the redhead and wanted him back too much to consider Ian may possibly be dead.

That fear was obliterated when three years later he walked into the hospital for his six month stay and he saw Ian lying on the bed. Mickey didnt recognize the man lying on the bed in front of him despite the wave of relief that washed through him that Ian was alive and home where he should have been all along. Mickey hated himself for not going with Ian, for not being there to protect him from Monica.

Mickey knew something was wrong with Ian back then and that there still was as they lay on their beds talking to each other. Mickey didnt know what it was about Ian that made him feel so relaxed again now that they were back together as friends. He figured it was because they both had the same interests, liked the same stuff and Mickey found those liking Ian more than a friend feelings come back and like before he hated that he wanted to be around Ian all the time.

But at the same time he didnt mind because something told him Ian may have felt the same because he was the only person that Ian spoke to all the time. Mickey was also suprised that in the short time they were in the hopsital that they were back to being best friends that were always seen together and they didnt talk to anyone else preferring each others company.

The only time they were seperated was when they went for their individual therapy sessions everyday. The one thing Mickey quickly remembered about Ian was that he had no boundaries and had no chill or filter at all but Mickey found it all amusing not that he let Ian knew he found it amusing. But he knew Ian and he also hated that Ian saw right through his rough exterior and it unnerved him the way Ian seemed to read him so easily and see through his bullshit.

Mickey found he didnt care because he thought Ian was a beautiful person inside and out and he didnt care how gay he sounded either or that he didnt know why Ian was in here but he hadnt told Ian either. Mickey didnt find it strange that he only wanted Ian's company as he was always used to being alone for the last few years. Mickey just felt so alone after Ian left three years ago and he had long accepted that he would be alone for the rest of his life because Ian was the only person he wanted and he left with Monica.

He knew that Ian made it all seem easier and he couldnt deny that he just wanted to be around Ian all the time even though there was that underlying fear that Ian would leave again but he ignored that fear. Mickey would rather have Ian as a friend over nothing at all and he didnt know why anyone would want to put up with him when he felt like he was just damaged goods.

His father beat him many times and tried to kill him for being gay and made sure that Mickey felt like he was worthless and that no one would ever want him. For that reason Mickey knew someone like Ian would never want him in that way even though he knew Ian was gay. They both knew the other was gay because the night when Mickey turned eighteen they got drunk at the dugouts and they both came out to each other but they both never acted on their feelings.

He also thought Ian would never look at him in that way and he also knew that he would never take the risk to ask Ian out. He couldnt handle it if Ian laughed in his face for it so Mickey would just settle for being friends with Ian. Mickey found it strange that he saw himself want to be around Ian even more now than he already was even though the warning voice in his head told him to be wary.

Mickey knew he was too broken and fucked up to ever have someone like Ian in his life and he wouldnt wish himself on someone like Ian. He saw the way Ian looked at him whenever Mickey had nightmares about his father and the way Ian was just there for him all the time. It helped that Ian already knew about the nightmares since Mickey always had them and would call Ian on the phone whenever he had one back in the days before they grew apart.

* * *

 

Mickey was running for his life, he couldnt breathe and the darkness made it hard to see where he was running to but he knew he just needed to get away from the person chasing him. Mickey didnt know how close the person was but could hear that threats of the large looming man that was threatening to kill him and would torture him slowly when he caught up with him. Mickey ran faster as he felt things grabbing him trying to prevent him from escaping before he felt like his feet were becoming stuck on the spot and he felt like he was moving but standing still at the same time.

Mickey struggled knowing he was stuck and nearly had a heart attack when felt someone grab him from behind and pushed him to the ground. Mickey struggled some more before he was able to turn around to face his attacker who he realized was his father that wrapped his hands around his throat and tried to strangle him. Mickey kicked and punched at the man on top him before grabbing his father's wrists with his hands and looked up at him pleading for him to let him go but his father ignored him and told him he deserved to die as he pulled out a gun and shot Mickey in the head and killed him.

Mickey woke up drenched in sweat letting out a shout not knowing where he was and thinking his father was still in the room trying to kill him. Mickey wildly looked around in the darkness grabbing for Ian while also trying to calm himself down but all he cared about was if Ian was safe, only Ian mattered. He struggled to breathe faintly hearing Ian beside him telling him "its okay, he cant hurt you anymore" softly.

Mickey felt Ian hug him tightly and grabbed Ian's arm with his hand and held it tightly realizing it was just another nightmare and that he was in his own bed safe and sound with Ian. Mickey started having the nightmares a few days after he got to the hospital. One night Mickey had a really bad one where he woke up with his hands around Ian's throat when Ian tried to wake him up as he sat on the edge of the bed.

That was the first night Mickey hesitantly asked Ian if he could stay in the same bed as him and was suprised when Ian didnt even hesitate to get into the bed and hug him tightly until they fell asleep. It was the best nights sleep Mickey had in a long time and since that night on they slept in the same bed together. That night was the night that cemented their friendship back to what it was before Ian left Chicago as it wasnt the first time the slept in the same bed together.

Mickey realized he was crying which he hated as he rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands hating that his father still had this effect on him. He looked at Ian in the darkness and swallowed the dry lump in his throat feeling himself start to relax as Ian kept telling him he was safe. Mickey waited until he calmed down a bit before they both lay back down under the covers and Ian kept his tight grip on him until he fell asleep.

When he was sure Ian was asleep Mickey let the tears silently fall as he tried to get over how real the dream felt. Mickey tried to get back to sleep but he couldnt, all he could think about was the damage his father had done to him over the years. Mickey felt all alone and scared even though Ian was beside him every single day. He was scared of losing Ian for good and he hated he had all these ghosts haunting him everyday because it just made him felt weak and pathetic.

* * *

 

The next morning Mickey woke up facing the wall feeling Ian pressed right up against his back with his arm wrapped around him tightly. Mickey rubbed his eyes letting out a tired sigh hating that he was still having these nightmares. His therapist told him he had post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety and the nightmares were a part of it but Mickey just wished they would stop. He also didnt understand how Ian was always there to make him feel safe, he wasnt used to relying on someone but Ian just made all the shit in his head more bearable.

Mickey just wished he could tell Ian the truth, tell him that he needed Ian more than he thought he did and he wanted them to still be friends when they left this place. He knew both of them never had any visitors and it made him wonder what happened to Ian, why were his family not rushing to see him as he knew the Gallaghers were actually a family that gave a shit about each other.

Mickey really wanted to find out but he knew he needed to be able to share his story with Ian and he wanted to tell him he really missed him but also liked him more than a friend too. Mickey really hated that his father was still keeping him in this prison but he was too scared because he saw everyone as being like his father and out to hurt him in any way possible.

Mickey knew that Ian wasnt like that but he still had that fear of Ian leaving again. Even Mickey's therapist told him he needed to heal and move on and the only way to do that was in small steps and that maybe he should take the next step with Ian. Mickey knew he really liked Ian and wanted to be more than friends with him but he just couldnt get past that fear of someone hurting him again.

Or even worse, hurting Ian and he couldnt live with himself if someone hurt Ian because Ian was the last person who deserved to get hurt. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian loosen his grip on him so he grabbed Ian's arm before quickly turning around to see Ian softly grinning at him as he blurted out "dont leave" softly. Ian rolled his eyes and softly laughed "the nurses will be doing the med rounds soon so we should probably get up and go for breakfast unless you want them to come in here and see us like this" softly.

Mickey scoffed wrapping his arms around Ian replying "fuck them, that's what they get for barging in like they own the fucking place" firmly. Ian laughed replying "true" humoredly. A silence fell as they looked at each other before Ian blurted out "I like this, being here is easier since youre here, I missed you so much" hesitantly. Mickey bit his lip trying to hide his grin replying "I missed you too" softly not adding a lot more than a friend should miss a friend.

Ian hid his surprised expression but Mickey noticed that Ian looked visibly suprised as Ian just grinned at him. Mickey noticed Ian's eagerness and softly laughed at the red head replying "when we get out of here we are going for some beer and weed, got a lot of shit to catch up on" softly not adding he wanted to know what that phone call was about six months after he left. Ian shook his head as he bit his lip to stop the grin on his face replying "cool" softly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian wishing he could just kiss him but instead he let out a soft laugh at Ian's dorkiness and felt warm at the thought of Ian wanting to be with him outside of this hospital. They heard noise outside the room so they both got up and got dressed before going to get their breakfast and do what they needed to do for the day.

* * *

 

Ian was lying on his bed in their shared room waiting for Mickey to come back from his therapy session. He wondered how Mickey would react if he knew about him being bipolar and the shit he did over the last three years because he was afraid that when they got out of here Mickey would abandon him because of his disorder and if he knew the truth. He was broken from his thoughts when he felt someone sit on the bed beside him and looked over to see it was Mickey.

Mickey lay down beside him facing his friend asking "the fucks up with you" curiously. Ian shrugged not hiding his worried expression wanting to tell him, he needed to know if Mickey was going to treat him any differently. He knew if Mickey walked out of his life right now that it would be much easier to get over the hurt than it would be months later down the road. Ian hesitantly asked "you ever wonder why I be at the same therapist as you and I have to take meds" curiously.

Mickey looked over at him replying "no its not my business and I know you'll tell me when youre ready" sincerely. Ian noticed it as he looked at Mickey blurting out "I'm bipolar" softly. Mickey didnt know what it was and was confused asking "what is that" curiously. Ian shifted onto his side facing Mickey not hiding his broken expression replying "high highs followed by low lows, cycles between mania and manic depression" softy.

Mickey hated that Ian looked so lost as he sighed letting out "fuck" softly. Mickey paused thinking that made a lot of sense about Ian's moods in the weeks before he left before asking "that why I see you taking meds" curiously. Ian looked at the floor shaking his head replying "yeah, I'm trying to get stable now but its hard, just have to keep going to therapy, I hate it though, my family hate me, its the reason I came here" softly.

They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian looked at him asking "you arent freaked out, anyone else would be out the door by now" in a broken voice. Mickey looked at Ian replying "I'm not anyone else and you know that so no, we all have our shit, I know I do" softly. Ian shook his head in acceptance before Mickey hesitantly asked "how long do you think you had it" curiously.

Ian swallowed the dryness in his mouth not able to hid the shame on his face sadly replying "probably started just before I left three years ago with Monica, didnt really admit I had it untill I came back a year ago and even then I was still in denial, I wasnt a good person back then" softly. Mickey let out a tense sigh hating that Ian just confirmed his thoughts of something being wrong with Ian back then blurting out "I'm sorry for missing it, I noticed something was up with you back then, I could see it and I thought you were just on something, Im fucking sorry Ian" firmly.

Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's neck pleading "its okay, you didnt know, I didnt know and my mother is bipolar, you think I'd be the one to notice but I didnt and my family didnt either, please dont beat yourself up about this" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian not really feeling any better replying "I know but I should have said something" softly. Ian softly smiled replying "its okay and I probably wouldnt have believed you anyway" softly.

A comfortable silence fell before Mickey decided if Ian shared then it was only fair he did as he blurted out "I'm here for post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety" softly. Ian looked at him whispering "shit" softly. Mickey heard it blurting out "a lot of shit went down after you left with my dad" softly. Ian hated himself blurting out "I'm sorry for leaving, I should have been here" firmly.

Mickey shook his head replying "its okay, I told you go" softly. Ian sighed blurting out "when I came back a year ago and after my first hospital visit which was six months I was so ashamed of what I did that I couldnt face you, I went to my family and told them I left with Monica and that I was bipolar, they turned their back on me, I stayed with them for six months before I came here a few days ago" softly. Ian felt his eyes water blurting out "I'm sorry I couldnt face you, I thought you would hate me, Monica said you would when you found out I was bipolar, she got into my head real good even though she took off a few days after I called you that night" softly.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck replying "I could never hate you, she is wrong and your family can fuck off" angrily. Ian softly smiled moving a little closer to Mickey blurting out "just thought that you didnt deserve my shit since you had enough to be dealing with" softly. Mickey let out a sigh moving closer to Ian still resting his hand on the back of Ian's neck replying "I do want you, I fucking missed you, even looked for your ass over the years, couldnt find you, decided that you would come back when you were ready, will admit when you called me that night wanting to come home I heard you fight with Monica and then you were gone, I tried again a few days later and the number was disconnected and I got worried, didnt want to think the worst" not adding that he couldnt because if he did it would probably be the end of him.

Ian moved closer to Mickey replying "Monica stole my phone and sold it for drugs, I'm sorry for doing that to you, I got all your messages before that happened, I always meant to reply to you but the mania always drove me to something else before I could do it" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence and Mickey sighed getting his answer as to why Ian never returned his calls and texts and he knew enough from Ian about Monica to know he was telling telling truth.

Ian sighed looking down at his hands blurting out "you still hate me" firmly. Mickey pulled Ian in for a hug replying "no I never did, your fucking impossible to hate, you brother Lip is the one I hate" humoredly. Ian looked at his friend letting out a soft laugh feeling relief was through him as he hugged his friend tightly and breathing in the familiar smell he realized he missed more than he thought he missed over the years.

Ian silently looked at Mickey and it was out before he stop it "what happened your face" curiously. Mickey sighed not wanting to talk about it replying "shit got bad with my dad, it was here or prison so I chose here" defensively. Ian noticed Mickey was tense replying "sorry" softly. Mickey didnt want to talk about it because he was afraid Ian would judge him if he knew the truth but a part of him just couldnt say it because he knew Terry was capeable of a lot of things but the latest stunt was something he never thought Terry would do.

A silence fell before Ian asked "does Mandy know your here" curiously. Mickey sighed looking downwards feeling a wave of sadness wash over him replying "no, dont think so and dont think she would care" softly. Ian hated the sad look on Mickey's face asking "why dont you call her" curiously. Mickey shrugged his shoulder blurting out before he could stop it "I couldnt face the questions she would ask, she would want to know where I am and I dont want her to know" softly.

Ian looked at Mickey replying "yeah Mandy does ask a lot of questions and sometimes too much of them" humoredely. Mickey laughed before he looked at Ian replying "fuck yeah she does" softly. Mickey was glad that the conversation was a bit lighter because he was afraid Ian would judge him if he knew the real reason why he was here. Mickey let his eyes close taking in the comfort of Ian lying so close to him but so far away at the same time even thought they were hugging each other tightly like they were afraid the other would disappear.

Another silence fell as they both lay on the small single bed facing each other as Mickey silently looked at Ian who had his eyes closed. Mickey noticed how long Ian's hair and couldnt stop himself from reaching out and pushing back the bit of hair that fell down onto Ian's face and slightly grinned when Ian leaned into the touch. Mickey moved a bit closer to Ian deciding to just say it "you know the way my dad is a homophobic asshole who beats up gay people for his own entertainment and he would have killed me if he found out so I hid it very well until the other day when I decided enough was enough" softly.

Mickey noticed Ian's suprised expression as he opened his eyes to look at Mickey who continued "the fucker announced in the bar the other day he had arranged for me to get married because he owed someone a favor, I told him fuck no and that I was gay and told him he could marry her himself" angrily. Ian softly laughed replying "that went down well" humouredly.

Mickey rolled his eyes "fucker charged at me and nearly killed me gave as good as I got, he got sent to prison and I was sent here for my own protection, went fucking bat shit crazy at him" lightly. Ian laughed rubbing his eyes replying "youre fucking crazy" humoredly. Mickey shrugged his shoulder replying "debatable" humoredly. As Ian looked at his friend he was glad he had Mickey because Mickey didnt give a shit that he was bipolar and it was relief and he felt normal for the first time since he had been diagnosed.

Ian was broken from his thoughts when Mickey blurted out "for a long time I just never felt okay with it but I am now which is probably why I told him where to go, think you helped with that" softly. Mickey sighed looking downwards blurting out hesitantly "I just always felt like I was wrong and disgusting or something and its hard sometimes, and when I felt that way I remembered they way you said it was okay and that its not wrong, you even showed me its not wrong, I just always wished I could have accepted it as easy as you did" softly.

Ian looked at him replying "I didnt have a homophobic asshole for a dad, my family dont really give a shit once no one gets hurt so it was easier but still hard to accept it considering where we live" softly. Mickey looked up at him hesitantly blurting out "I think if I keep telling myself its normal and its not wrong and not disgusting that maybe one day I will convince myself and believe it" softly. Ian rubbed his hand across Mickey's back replying "its not wrong and you arent disgusting, your free now, dont let him keep you in a closet" firmly.

Mickey slightly smiled at Ian replying "its hard not to, I might be sort of okay with it to myself but its hard for other people to know, I'm just glad it was only Kev and V in the Alibi that day and a few drunks that probably wont remember, the place was practically empty" softly. Ian felt angry towards Mickey's father replying "well I'll help you be okay with it" genuinely. Mickey saw that Ian meant it replying "you will" hesitantly.

Ian grinned lightly replying "sure I will, we're friends arent we so why not" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "fucking friends are we" in a teasing tone. Ian rolled his eyes replying "you said so first" softly not adding maybe more than friends. Ian really did want to be more than friends with Mickey as he always thought of him over the years, he felt comfortable with him all night and he knew they got on so well with each other and it was like the last three years never happened.

Mickey felt the same way too and now that he felt more comfortable around him he replied "I did didnt I" softly not adding can we be more than friends. Ian having no filter blurted out before he could stop it "can I have your number for my new phone" firmly. Mickey laughed at they way Ian had no chill and a red face now replying "I havent changed it but only if I can have yours" softly.

Ian grabbed his phone off the table as Mickey gave him his number while grabbing his own phone off the table. Ian saved the number and called Mickey's phone and let it ring before hanging up replying "now you have mine too" softly. Mickey softly laughed saving Ian's number thinking this red headed idiot would be the death of him but he knew he could never not be friends with Ian because now that he had him back there was no way Mickey was letting him disappear from his life again.

He also had a feeling that if Ian wanted to take off again and if Ian asked then he would definately leave with Ian this time around because the last three years had been the worst and letting Ian leave was a bit mistake and his worst regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to update every Thursday or Friday so the wait between chapters shouldn't be too long.


	3. Sometimes at night I feel I'm just a broken vessel.

Mickey was lying on his own bed reading a book when Ian came into the room and shut the door behind him before he lay down beside him waiting out the side effects of the medication. Mickey silently looked at him before marking the page he was on and closed the book and threw it on the floor noticing the way Ian was slightly shaking. He lay down beside Ian so they were face to face and rubbed his hand up and down Ian's arm looking at him in concern asking "side effects again" curiously.

Ian closed his eyes at the touch moving a bit closer to Mickey replying "yeah but they will pass, its shit like this that makes me wonder why I bother trying to be stable" in a broken voice. Ian looked at Mickey hesitantly wrapping his arms around him but Mickey just hugged Ian tighter moving his body right up against him as Ian waited for the side effects to pass. It took a while for the shaking to pass but when it did they just lay there in silence looking at each other.

Before he could stop it Mickey blurted out "so uh...you seeing anyone" softly not able to hide the shy look on his face. Ian noticed it but didnt comment on it replying "no not anymore, some guys cant handle the crazy" rolling his eyes in disgust. Ian shrugged continuing "I made a few friends at the club I used to go to but the second they found out I had bipolar they didnt want to know me anymore, I went out with a few guys and they did the same the second they found out, one even said he didnt want to be around a crazy person and he didnt need that shit in his life" in a sad tone.

Mickey noticed the sad look on Ian's face blurting out "want me to kick the shit out them for you, you know I will" firmly. Ian laughed not expecting that response before looking at Mickey replying "I'm sure you would" humouredly. Mickey shoved against Ian replying "the letters on my knuckles are not just a threat, they are a fucking promise and you know that" firmly before laughing. Ian laughed as he softly punched Mickey on the arm replying "youre a lame idiot and yeah I remember that" humouredly. Another comfortable silence fell before Ian blurted out "thanks for being here for me and not looking at me like I'm crazy" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian's broken expression and had a feeling that this right now was a first for Ian and he wanted to kill who every person who made Ian feel like shit for something he had no control over. Mickey noticed that all night with Ian had been the most relaxed, safest and happiest he had been in a long time. The way Ian told him he wasnt disgusting for being gay and that it was normal made him feel a little bit more free of those chains that kept him in the closet since he found out he was gay.

Mickey could have sworn that he had stopped hating himself for the last few hours in Ian's company and he knew it was because of Ian so he decided he was going keep Ian around in his life. Mickey didnt want to be away from Ian and that thought surprised him and scared him at the same time but he didnt know that Ian felt the same way. As they lay in silence Mickey thought back over the last few weeks since he came to the hospital and got back in touch with Ian.

He knew they spent all their time together since they were best friends but he also knew that they had gotten even closer than they were before. Mickey always prided himself on never needing anyone but that exception had been made for Ian a long time ago in the early days of their friendship for whatever reason. But now Mickey felt something had changed between them, he didnt know what it was but there was still that easy interaction between them that they always had and he hoped that Ian would want to be around him when they left here but something in his mind told him that Ian needed him too.

At first Mickey was pissed off at having signed himself into the hospital but now he was glad because he was with Ian again so he didnt really care about the court order anymore. He knew if he never signed it then he wouldnt be here and he wouldnt be back with Ian at all and Ian would be here all alone. They had been here in the hospital for a month and it was like the last three years never happened.

Mickey was just glad they slipped back into that easiness they always had straight away the second Mickey saw Ian when he walked into the room. Mickey figured the hospital wasnt so bad but he thought Ian had something do with that more than anything else since Ian occupied all of his free time which wasnt any different to before Ian left Chicago. Even the part of him that was waiting for Ian to tell him to go away was long gone after Ian reassured him he were to stay, he wasnt going off on any other adventures again and if he did he was taking Mickey along with him because he needed him too much. They both knew they didnt need anyone else except each other and Mickey found he was okay with only wanting Ian in his life. Mickey wouldnt admit it but when Ian was gone Mickey just felt depressed all the time and because of Terry he didnt see any reason to live as he had nothing to live for but now things had changed.

Mickey knew that when Ian was gone he was just exisiting and not living and he really hated that he didnt finally put a bullet in his head the few times he wanted to do it over the years but he could never quite go through with it. He put not killing himself down to the fact he didnt want to give his father the satisfaction but there were times it just too much and he couldnt see any other way out.

He always found that days were a struggle to get through and they were so long and it was so tiring putting up a false pretense that everything was okay when it wasnt okay and hadnt been for a long time. He was tired of letting people think he was okay when he was really dying inside and just wanted to stay in bed and sleep forever. The nights were even worse as they were full of nightmares or laying awake replaying the bad memories in his head that he wished he could just forget.

He wished he could just forget the taunts, the beatings and the abuse his father directed at him in the house. They plauged his every thought and he felt like he was going crazy and was just waiting until he reached breaking point and put a bullet in his head to put himself put of his own misery. Mickey noticed Ian had fallen asleep and softly ran his hand through Ian's hair wishing he had left town with Ian but he knew he couldnt leave Mandy behind because Terry would have killed her if he left.

But now he just wished he left with Ian and taken Mandy with them but it was too late now and he couldnt change what happened no matter how hard he wished he could change the last three years. But Mickey was also worried that he was getting dependant on another person or always had been and that it was only Ian he wanted to talk about things he wouldnt usually talk about to anyone else.

He spoke to his therapist who told him it was good to find a connection with someone as it would help distract from the negative thoughts in his head. That being friends with Ian again would give him something to hold on to after being alone for so long and it would also help to have someone to talk to outside of therapy and learn to trust someone again. Mickey knew he never trusted a single person except himself and Ian and Ian made him feel wanted too especially since Ian never held back.

Mickey realized that to Ian it was like they had never spent three years apart from each other. Mickey quickly remembered just how dorky his friend was, how funny he was and his inability to play it cool was funny too and it just made those feelings for Ian increase the more time they spent together. Mickey knew that Ian was a really good friend despite all the shit Ian had told him about the last three years on the road with Monica.

Mickey found that while Ian was open to talking about things it was starting to have an effect on him too even more than it did before Ian left. Mickey wasnt really sure how he felt about talking about his father, Mandy, his brother and how he survived in the Milkovich house of horrors over the last three years when he didnt have Ian to escape to when things got bad.

Mickey was little wary and suprised when Ian had no judgment for some of the things Mickey told him and it was another thing added to Mickey wanting Ian to be something more to him but he was too afraid to tell Ian how he felt. Mickey knew they were both not holding back on the stuff that happened over the last three years. But there was a sense of something that remained unspoken and it was almost like they didnt want to shatter the safe reality or world they had built together over the last month.

Even though they went to the same therapist Ian never asked Mickey any questions about it and he liked that and he knew Ian liked that he never asked any questions too. Mickey found that he was also starting to trust Ian again and let him in a bit closer each time they talked but it was hard to do something that instinct told him not to do. Mickey found he was ignoring it because Ian always had this strange pull on him and he found he didnt care because he had Ian back in his life.

He wondered if Ian felt the same way about him but he would never ask out of embarrasment afraid Ian would laugh at him and never talk to him again. Mickey hated that he was so insecure around Ian as he always felt that Ian was never insecure but since getting to know the redhead he knew exactly just how insecure Ian was but hid it very well.

* * *

 

Ian felt a hand run through his hair as he slowly woke up after falling asleep and he felt Mickey tighten his grip on him before letting out a soft sigh moving his body closer to his friend. Ian wished he could just tell Mickey he liked him and wanted to be more than friends but he didnt even know where to start. Ian thought back to first night Mickey had his nightmares and asked him to stay with him in the same bed and Ian couldnt help wonder what happened to Mickey since he left.

Ian hated what Mickey had told him, about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father that got worse over the last three years. Ian hated that he wasnt there to protect Mickey not that he would ever say it to his friend. From what Mickey told him Ian wondered if Terry knew Mickey was different all along and gave him shit over it and tried to force Mickey into being straight.

Ian didnt like that thought and it made him grateful that however much he hated his family right now he was just glad they all accepted that he was gay even though he never actually told them. Ian found it strange at first that he just wanted to be around Mickey all the time but he just put it down to missing his friend for three years. Ian knew that Mickey had a dislike of people but he was never on that list and he knew that Mickey liked him too.

Ian had noticed the longing looks Mickey gave him but would never act on it but he didnt know that Mickey noticed the same looks that Ian gave him too. Ian was afraid to get close to anyone again, he was afraid to trust people since experience told him once they found out about his disorder they dissappeared. Ian was suprised that Mickey wasnt one of those people and told him he didnt give a shit about his disorder and was always there for him when Ian needed someone to lean on or talk to when he felt low.

Ian never wanted to be without his friend and he was glad Mickey told him that when they left here they would still be friends. But Ian wanted more because he liked Mickey and he had a feeling that Mickey felt the same way. Ian just wished he was able to take the chance but he was afraid of losing Mickey for good so decided he would stay quiet about his feelings for his friend. He just didnt know Mickey thought the same thing and felt the same way. They really were both clueless idiots.

As Mickey lay beside Ian who was still asleep he wondered what it would be like to be closer to Ian like that, to be able to touch him and hug him so easily because he really wanted to do it and knew he would one day. Sometimes Mickey's mind would wander a little more about what it would be like to be intimate with Ian but he always pushed those thoughts away knowing nothing would ever happen with Ian.

Mickey wasnt sure if it was a crush or it was just the rush of having Ian back and the whole thing just made him confused and feel stupid. He was glad when his therapist pointed out to take it slow and that it was okay for them to reconnect with each other and to like Ian a bit more than a friend because he didnt know what to do and he needed another person's opinion.

Mickey just hated that he still sort of felt uncomfortable with being gay when Ian was completely comfortable with his own sexuality. If anything Mickey felt inadequate and socially awkward all the time and he hated that he was so socially inept that he couldnt function like a normal person. But with Ian he was trying and he figured that it was a good start and he could feel himself making a decision despite the nerves or false bravado floating in his stomach.

He just wanted to tell Ian how he felt but he was afraid Ian would laugh at him and tell him never in a million years. But Mickey noticed the way Ian always hugged him a little bit too long, they slept in the same bed most nights and it just made Mickey feel confused. Each time he wanted to admit how he felt to Ian but he could never go through with it but he knew he would one day after he drank a bottle of vodka for courage.

Mickey didnt know what it was but Ian just made his life and the pile of shit he was going through so much easier. Mickey knew he was getting too used to touching Ian and and he knew Ian liked it too. Mickey felt like he had a reason to live and part of it was down to Ian, Ian helped him through it all and never left his side and he didnt know what he did to deserve someone like Ian.

Mickey felt like he could get through this just once he had Ian and Ian had already made it clear he wasnt going anywhere and Mickey was starting to believe Ian. Mickey noticed Ian was awake and looking right at him and as they were both pressed up against each other. Mickey's body acted before his brain could stop him as he watched himself lean forward and kiss Ian. He was more suprised when Ian didnt push him away and instead pulled him closer.

Ian just kissed him back and when they stopped Ian looked at Mickey shyly blurting out "I've wanted to do that for weeks" softly. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian replying "me too asshole" softly. Ian laughed hugging his friend tighter replying "we're idiots" humoredly. Mickey laughed replying "been called worse" humoredly. Ian tried to hide his embarrasment by looking downwards as Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck with his hand asking "you want to stop" curiously.

Ian looked up at him in suprise replying "fuck no" softly. Mickey laughed replying "good" before they got back to what they were doing. They kissed each other and let their hands and touches roam freely over their bodies as they forgot about the rest of the world. They didnt care if the building burned down around them right because all the felt and needed was each other and it was something the realized they were missing for a long time.

When they took a break some time later and were lying side by side where Mickey just laughed blurting out "didnt know I needed that" humoredly. Ian hit him in the ribs with his elbow playfully replying "me neither" before laughing. Mickey rolled his eyes moving to lie on his side putting his arm over Ian's stomach blurting out before he could stop it replying "wanted it for weeks, thought it was just me, actually liked you before you left just never had the guts to say it" softly.

Ian moved to lie on his side putting his arm over Mickey not hiding his shock replying "same here, didnt want to say anything even though we did stuff together before I left" hesitantly. Ian had felt something change between them way back when they came out to each other and from that night he knew he wanted more, he wanted more than friendship from Mickey but he didnt tell him that because he was afraid he would scare his friend away.

But over the last few weeks he had seen the way his friend had been acting around him, the longing looks, the close touching, the hugging, sharing their bed together even though they never did anything with each other until now. And Ian knew couldnt hide his feelings anymore, he needed to know but something in his mind told him to tread carefully so he listened to his gut instinct.

He knew Mickey was dealing with his own issues but Ian noticed that Mickey looked a lot happier than he did when he first saw him when they became room mates. Just when Ian had accepted that Mickey would never act on his feelings for whatever reason, Mickey throws him a curveball and made a move on him and Ian wasnt going to turn it down. Mickey laughed at their stupidity and he knew Mandy would hit them over the head too but he pushed the thought of Mandy away and silently looked at Ian.

Ian bit his lip before blurting out "I liked you more than a friend after we came out to each other" before he could stop it. Mickey wanted to laugh but didnt when he saw the vulnerablity on Ian's face so he grabbed the back of Ian's neck with hand and pulled him closer replying "same here" firmly. Ian grinned looking at him replying "yeah" softly. Mickey bit his lip and looked away before looking back at Ian shyly whispering "yeah but never had the guts to say it" softly.

Ian laughed knowing they were idiots replying "better late than never I suppose" softly. Mickey smirked before licking his lips knowing he had a point replying "true" not adding he thought it would never happen. Mickey silently looked at Ian focusing on his lips wondering why he always had such an aversion to kissing but he knew that with Ian he could get used to it and he wanted more so they both lay on the bed getting lost in their own bubble as they explored each other in a different way.


	4. Even if I had the thought I'd never dream of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly flashback but its pointed out too. It gives some background on how Ian and Mickey are so close in the last chapter and in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> Also this chapter was completely inspired by Calvin Harris & Rihanna 'This is what you came for', for some reason I couldn't get the song out of my head while writing the flashback for this. Its not really my type of music but I love the song.

* * *

 

The next morning Mickey woke up early facing the wall as he lay in his own bed. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he became aware of Ian lying right up close behind him with his arms wrapped tightly around him like Ian was afraid Mickey might disappear if he let go. Mickey let out a sigh before he turned around resting his forehead against Ian's wrapping his arms around him and pulling Ian closer to him even though there was no space left between them in the bed.

Mickey softly smiled to himself as he remembered what happened last night and it was something he never would thought happen, he never thought Ian would reciprocate the same feelings that he felt for Ian for years. Mickey let his eyes roam over Ian's face as his mind thought back to night he came out to Ian in the dugouts when he was eighteen before he closed his eyes and got lost in the memory.

* * *

 

**Four years ago**

It was late in the evening when Mickey was at home in his bedroom in the Milkovich house listening to Terry taking his drunken rage out on the furniture in the living area of the house. If the crashing noises and angry curses were anything to go by Mickey knew there would be fuck all left of the furniture in the house and the sounds of glass breaking he knew there would be damage to the walls too.

Mickey was sitting on his bed anxiously watching his bedroom door with his gun sitting beside him ready to spring into action if his father directed his attention onto him and came looking for him and Mickey was glad that Mandy was staying at a friends house from school. Mickey bit his lip when he felt his phone buzz on the bed beside him so he grabbed it and looked at it to see there was a message from Ian telling him to meet him in the dugouts and bring some beer and weed.

Mickey really wanted to so text back saying he would be there as soon as he could so he hid the gun in his hiding spot and grabbed some weed from his stash before he quietly snuck out the window. He quickly walked away from the house looking over his shoulder cautiously to make sure his father didnt follow him. Mickey went to the shop and grabbed some beer and cigarettes before going to the dugouts to meet Ian.

Mickey was also anxious because he really wanted to tell Ian what had been on his mind for the last few months. Mickey couldnt deny it anymore and he just needed to tell his best friend, his best friend would understand and he hoped it wouldnt change things in their friendship even though he knew there was a chance it would change things.

Mickey climbed over the fence and jumped onto the ground and walked into the dugouts to see Ian sitting on the bench with a six pack of beer beside him to which Mickey laughed holding up his own six pack of beer. Mickey sat beside him pulling the joint out of his pocket and lit it up and inhaled it as Ian asked "you okay, Terry on another rampage" curiously.

Mickey shook his head replying "yeah, snuck out the window and came here" as he handed Ian the joint. Ian moved closer to his friend so their sides were pressed together replying "you want to crash at mine tonight" before inhaling the joint. Mickey looked out into the field not wanting to go home before replying "yeah if you dont mind" softly. Ian nudged him looking at his friend replying "you know I dont, your practically another family member at this stage, you always stay over and so does Mandy" humouredly.

Mickey softly laughed opening a can of beer knowing Ian was right replying "yeah we do, she is staying at friends tonight" softly before taking a drink of his beer. Mickey didnt know what it was about Ian that made all the tension he felt when Terry was around melt away and he was broken from his thoughts when Ian asked "so eighteen, any crazy shit Terry making you do for it" icily. Mickey scoffed replying "fuck no, avoiding that bastard if I can, he probably doesnt even remember" icily.

Ian put his arm over Mickey's shoulder looking at him replying "well I do so happy birthday" before pressing a kiss on his cheek. Mickey groaned shoving back against Ian but not pushing him away mumbling "get off" before laughing not even trying to deny how much he liked the habit that always came from Ian. They smoked the rest of the joint and fell into easy conversation and a while later they had started on the second six pack of beer when Mickey felt he had the courage to do it right now.

He was going to come to Ian even though the alarm bells were ringing loudly in his head but he ignored them as he moved to sit sidewards facing Ian. Ian was looking out into the field feeling the buzz of the weed and beer and the smell of Mickey sitting beside him made him decide he needed to tell his friend his own secret. Mickey looked at Ian feeling that nausous feeling and even though he knew he could back out he didnt want to, he worked himself up to this point and he needed to tell someone too so why wouldnt the words come out.

In his head he was whispering I'm gay but the words wouldnt come out even though he was forming the words in his throat but all he could feel was the bile rising in his stomach. Instead all that came out was a choking sound and when Ian looked at Mickey he croaked out "I needed to tell you something" shyly. Ian looked over in his drunken haze and noticed Mickey's serious expression and moved to sit sidewards facing his friend hating that Mickey looked like he was about to pass out or be sick and he didnt think it was the beer and weed causing it which made him worried.

Ian grabbed Mickey's hand in his own replying "its okay, you can tell me" sincerely. Mickey looked down at his hand in Ian's hand letting his eyes close thinking this would be the last time he would ever see Ian, Ian would leave him because he was gay but he couldnt be friends with Ian under a lie. He couldnt pretend he was straight anymore and he needed someone to know, someone to know who he really was and he was tired of hiding too.

Mickey felt even more nauseous feeling the tears well up in his eyes hating that it just made Ian look even more worried so Mickey stumbled and hesitated in a broken voice "I'm...I'm...fuck I cant say it, why cant I say it" softly. Mickey knew his father was a homophobic piece of shit and he was so scared Ian would be the same but he knew Ian wasnt like that, or he hoped he wasnt since they never talked about things like being gay or straight or whatever a person may be into sexually.

It also didnt help that growing up all Mickey ever heard from his father was that being gay is wrong, sick, disgusting and gay people deserve to die so Mickey was conflicted over the whole thing. Ian moved closer using his free hand to rub Mickey's shoulder replying "its okay, take your time" softly. Mickey used his free hand to rub the tears out of his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose licking his lips as the tension built in his shoulders before mumbling "fuck it...I'm gay" in a quiet whisper.

Ian heard it but he wasnt sure he heard correctly and waited for Mickey to finally look at him not hiding the tears in his eyes adding a little louder "I'm gay Ian" softly. Mickey waited for Ian to leave and when Ian just hugged him tightly he let out a deep sob as he hugged Ian back when Ian told him "I dont give a shit but thank you for telling me, you can always trust me you know that right" softly.

Mickey buried his face in Ian's neck replying "yeah" softly. They sat there like that for a few minutes before Ian leaned back a little and when Mickey looked at him he blurted out "since we're being honest here, think I should tell you I'm gay too, was planning to tell you tonight but you beat me too it" softly. Mickey silently looked at him before laughing out of relief rubbing the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and when he felt Ian rub his hand up and down his back supportively Mickey blurted out "I dont give a shit either" softly.

A comfortable silence fell as Ian put his arm over Mickey's shoulders and Mickey leaned into the gesture moving closer to Ian resting his head on his shoulder pulling himself back together as much as he could and he was glad Ian was there for him as always. Ian used his free hand to open another beer and drank from it before passing it to Mickey who took a drink from it before asking "how long did you know" curiously.

Ian didnt remove his arm from Mickey's shoulder replying "about a year ago but only really sure in the last few weeks, what about you" softly. Mickey was still resting his head on Ian's shoulder staring at the ground replying "the same as you, wanted to tell you tonight, was afraid I'd lose you as a friend, wanted to get it over and done with" sadly. Ian pulled Mickey tighter to him softly kissing the top of his head replying "you'll never lose me, although I was afraid you would leave me" softly.

Mickey wrapped his arm around Ian's back moving right up against Ian's side replying "you'll never lose me either" softly. Mickey looked at him asking "how are you okay with this" curiously. Ian shrugged looking back at him replying "my family dont give a shit about stuff like this, they dont know but they are more accepting of things, more than Terry at least" softly. Mickey slightly shook his head replying "I dont know if I'll ever be okay with it, I hope I will one day" softly.

Ian rubbed his hand over Mickey's shoulder replying "It will get easier" softly. They both fell into a comfortable silence as they finished off the rest of the beer just enjoying each others company. When they finished off the last can of beer the both walked back to Ian's house both of them knowing that something had definitely changed between them in the dugouts. That night when Mickey lay beside Ian in his small bed with Ian's arms wrapped around him he whispered "can you help me be okay with it" softly.

Ian pulled his friend closer to him replying "of course I will" softly. Mickey let out a sigh of relief and let himself relax into Ian's warm embrace and he knew he was safe, he was accepted for who he was and he was never more grateful for having Ian in his life.

As the days and weeks passed they became much more closer and they were inseparable and it didnt go unnoticed by Ian's family or Mandy. They both sat a little too close together and had no problem hugging each other and when Mandy noticed their behaviour in the Milkovich house one day she told them she didnt give a shit about their closeness but warned them to be careful when Terry was around because he was liable to jump to conclusions.

It was like a bucket of water was thrown over them when she said that but they were glad she did because they didnt want to draw unwanted attention from Terry. So after that they became more careful especially when they were in the Milkovich house. A few months later when Terry had ended up in jail they were able to relax again and were lying on the bed side by side in Mickey's room sharing some weed and talking shit and enjoying each other's company.

Ian was lying between the wall and Mickey when he finished off the last of the weed and passed it to Mickey who inhaled the final bit of it before putting it out in the ashtray on the table beside his bed. Ian sat up blurting "you know what we should do" excitedly. Mickey laughed resting his hand on Ian's back between his shoulder blades feeling the warmth through Ian's tshirt replying "not another of your fucking crazy ideas Ian, the last one nearly got us killed" before laughing.

Ian scoffed rolling his eyes as he moved to sit on top of Mickey with a leg each side of him making himself comfortable as he sat just below Mickey's stomach. Mickey looked from Ian's face down over his body and willed himself to calm down as Ian was sitting right on top of him and Mickey had imagined scenarios like this one and wanted this for ages but never acted on it and never would as he was afraid of Ian's rejection.

Mickey let out a sigh relaxing into the buzz the weed was giving him as he looked at Ian who was looking down at him with a smirk blurting out "that wasnt my fault and you know it" firmly. Mickey scoffed wiping his eyes with his fingers shaking his head in disbelief resting his other hand low on Ian's hip replying "whatever" knowing it was partly true.

Ian rolled his eyes before grabbing Mickey's wrists and pinning them to the bed beside his head leaning down into his face replying pleading "but you'll love this please" softly. Mickey felt Ian's breath fan out over his face as he looked directly into Ian's eyes wanting to lean forward to kiss him but instead blurted out "what is it" curiously knowing he would go along with whatever Ian wanted to do in that moment.

Ian grinned and kissed Mickey on the cheek before resting on his forearms and moving to sit a little bit lower looking at him not even noticing the way Mickey's breath hitched at the contact shyly replying "lets go to boystown right now tonight, we can go to one of the bars or something, I've wanted to go for ages but been to afraid to go on my own" softly.

Mickey silently looked at him feeling that anxiety creep up again not hiding the shakiness from his voice "I dont know Ian, what if something happens, what if someone from here finds out" softly. Ian's expression softened and he loosened his grip on Mickey's wrist replying "I know your scared of Terry finding out but he's in jail and no one he knows would be there anyway, its a street full of gay clubs and bars, we'll be safe I promise, no one from here would be caught dead up there since its northside and we'll be careful" firmly.

Mickey still looked hesitant and didnt look away from Ian as he thought it over in his head but he didnt get a chance to respond when he felt Ian softly rub his thumb along his wrist adding "lets just go for an hour and if you want to leave we will leave" sincerely. Mickey was still silently looking at Ian as he thought it over and he was knew Ian was right, he couldnt live in fear of who he was anymore, he couldnt live in fear of Terry for his whole life, he couldnt keep letting Terry control his actions anymore.

As Mickey looked at Ian he didnt know what it was about the redhead that made him feel so fearless, maybe it was because he thought Ian was fearless and he absorbed some of that fearlessness from Ian. Mickey bit his lip feeling some of that fear disappear hesitantly blurting out "okay we'll go and we can leave if I get uncomfortable" shyly. Ian grinned and quickly kissed his friend on the lips before looking at him replying "we can leave whenever you want" excitedly.

Mickey laughed shaking his head at his idiot friend who was still lying on him but Mickey's mind was still on the quick kiss Ian gave him as he smirked blurting out "are we going now then" firmly. Ian sat up straight replying "we go now" firmly. Ian got off the bed and grabbed Mickey's hand and pulled him off the bed before they left the house and made their way to the Northside.

They got to the Northside and were walking down the street past some of the bars both of them arguing over which one to go into when Ian grabbed Mickey's hand in his own making a decision and dragged him into one of the bars on the street. When they entered the bar it was large open space with a dance floor in the middle and a bar on the left side of the room and a dj space set up on the right side of the room.

Mickey took a deep breath trying to calm himself down as he took in the large crowd of men and women wondering how they seemed to accept who they were so easily. Mickey wondered if he would ever get to that point and even though Ian was helping him be okay with being gay Mickey was barely even half way to being okay with his sexuality. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian wrap his arms around his shoulders and pull him close to him so Mickey grabbed Ian's hips letting out a sigh reminding himself that he was in a safe space.

The people here were like him and nothing was going to happen so he let out a tense sigh willing himself to relax so he he looked at Ian. Ian softly smiled at him resting his hand on the back of Mickey's neck telling him "your safe here, I wont let anything happen to you" firmly. Mickey believed him and grabbed Ian's wrist with his hand replying "I know" softly. Ian grinned replying "come on, lets get a drink" firmly.

Mickey scoffed replying "I want a fucking beer none of that fruity ass cocktail shit" humouredly. Ian laughed replying "that fruity ass shit has more alcohol content in it than beer, all the more reason to drink it" humoredly. Mickey rolled his eyes letting Ian pull him through the crowd by the hand as they made their way towards that bar for some beer.

A few hours later they were both drunk after beer and several shots of what it was they didnt know but it was cheap and strong and did the job of getting them drunk which they liked. Ian was on the edge of the dance floor watching Mickey who was standing against the bar looking at Ian's attempt to dance to the music.

As Mickey watched Ian under the flashing strobe lights and pulsing music he couldnt hide his growing attraction towards Ian. He laughed at the way Ian pushed the guys away from him that tried to hit on him and Mickey wondered if they would get thrown out of here for starting a fight but no one seemed to notice or care, they were all too busy enjoying their own night.

Mickey had finally relaxed, he felt comfortable and he wondered what it would be like to be over there beside Ian, letting Ian get right up close to him like other people were with each other in the club. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian wrap his arms around him and softly kiss the top of his head before looking at him asking "you okay, you want to leave" curiously.

Mickey bit his lip slightly shaking his head hating that Ian saw him get caught up in his own head again replying "no I want to stay" firmly. Ian grinned again as he took the glass of whiskey out of Mickey's hand and drank the little bit that was left in the glass before putting the empty glass on the bar. Mickey was silently watching the way Ian swallowed the drink down and he wasnt even mad but he was embarrassed when Ian grabbed his hands "come on dance with me" loudly.

Mickey laughed replying "fuck no, I cant" humouredly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "neither can I and everyone else in the place but do we give a shit no, come on I want to dance with you" in a pleading tone. Mickey softly laughed as he felt himself being dragged to the spot where Ian had been dancing by himself and didnt fight it especially when Ian wrapped his arms around his shoulders pulling him close so they were pressed right up against each other.

Mickey just wrapped his arms around Ian's back moved with Ian to the music both of them getting lost in the flashing lights, loud music and the intoxicating smell of being close to each other. Ian couldnt stop looking at his friend and he was trying so hard not to get turned on but he failing by the minute and he just wanted to let Mickey know he liked him more than a friend but he was afraid he would lose Mickey for good so he remained silent.

As they danced with each other Mickey noticed the way other guys looked at Ian and how Ian ignored them all, every single one of them and Mickey thought Ian was either crazy or didnt notice the attention. He was even more surprised when realized that Ian kept his attention on him all night and when he looked at Ian and saw that longing look in Ian's eyes he couldnt stop himself.

He wasnt sure he wanted to as he grabbed the back of Ian's head feeling Ian's longish hair between his fingers and crashed their lips together and Ian didnt hesitate to kiss him back with full intensity and pulled Mickey right up against him. For the rest of the night they just stayed in their own bubble until they made their way back to the Milkovich house in Southside and gave into each other by having sex before they fell asleep wrapped around each other in Mickey's bed.

It wasnt awkward the next day and they didnt admit to having feelings for each other because they knew their friendship was more important. After that night they became even closer as best friends that went out to gay clubs and also kissed and had sex with each other no strings attached and it was they way they both liked the arrangement and no one knew about it either.

**Present day**

Mickey grinned to himself at the memory thinking that night was the best night of his life. He was out with Ian and they were both free every time they stepped into one of the gay bars on the Northside. No one looked at them like they were disgusting and it was the first step to Mickey being on the road to accepting and being okay with his sexuality and Ian played a large part in it too.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian tighten his grip on him and softly kiss him on the lips before asking "what are you thinking about" curiously. Mickey let out a soft sigh as he blinked before looking at Ian blurting out "that night when we got high in my room and went to the gay bar on Northside, the first time we went" softly. Ian remembered it instantly as he grinned replying "best night of my life that was" firmly.

Mickey felt his face turn red and looked downwards shyly asking "really" hesitantly. Ian pulled them closer together by tangling their legs together replying "yeah I mean it, just me and you and no one else, I loved every second of it" firmly. Mickey bit his lip looking up at Ian replying "me too" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as they looked at each other before Mickey shyly blurted out "that night I felt....what we have makes me free you know" softly.

Ian shyly smiled replying "yeah same with me about you, you make me feel free too" firmly. Mickey rolled his eyes burying his face into Ian's chest hugging him tightly breathing in the warm smell that was Ian as they were buried under the sheets of their single bed. Ian hugged him back softly kissing the top of his head as they lay there in silence lost in their own thoughts until it was time to get up for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the layout, I kind of screwed it up and I cant fix it right, sometimes I hate this site and its not great editing chapter features.


	5. Like violence you kill me forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions and possible triggers for self harm.

Mickey woke up in his bed and in the darkness of his bedroom he knew there was another presence in the room. He rubbed his eyes as he sat up and looked around the room resting his hand on Ian who sleeping beside him before seeing the menacing figure of Terry standing in the corner glaring at him with a sadistic grin on his face. Mickey scrambled for the gun he kept in the drawer beside his bed and when he grabbed it he tried to fight off Terry who was now kneeling on the bed trying to dodge the gun.

There was a struggle before Terry managed to dig his fingers into Mickey's wrist making him almost gasp in pain as he let the gun fall on the floor. He just froze as Terry grabbed his neck with his hands and started to choke him angrily muttering something Mickey couldnt hear because he was struggling back trying to strangle Terry with his hands. But it was useless as Mickey just felt like he couldnt breathe and he knew he was dying slowly at the hands of his father but if he had to die he wasnt going without a fight and when he saw his father with the gun in hand all he saw was the end pointed at him and then a loud gunshot.

* * *

 

Mickey jolted awake letting out a yell sitting up not knowing where he was and looked around the room feeling his heart was racing so fast he felt like it was going to explode. He felt panic race through his veins as he looked around the room hoping Terry wasnt there in the shadows and also freaking out that Terry just killed him in his sleep. It took a few minutes for him to remember Terry was actually in prison and that it was just a dream.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian hug him tighter and grabbed the back of his head whiserping "its okay, its just a dream, he cant hurt you, youre safe here" softly. Mickey hugged Ian tightly and buried his face in Ian's neck not able to stop the sobs the erupted from him since the dream felt so real like it was actually happening to him, he really did think Terry had found him and killed him in his own bed. When he stopped crying they both lay back down on their sides facing each other in the darkness Mickey couldnt stop shaking feeling like his whole world was just falling apart.

It didnt help that he had been going to therapy for post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression because he felt like just because there was no hope for him to ever stop having the nightmares and to heal from his trauma. When he finally calmed down and realized it was just a nightmare he blankly stared into the darkness of his room wondering would he ever stop feeling so alone, would the pit of anger and pain he felt inside ever go away.

He sighed at hearing Ian asking "you okay" softly. Mickey hoped Ian wouldnt pick up on the sadness in his voice before hesitantly replying "I'm fine, its nothing, just a bad dream, its doesnt matter, sorry for waking you" hesitantly. Mickey hated that he couldnt keep his voice neutral or the fact that he had a meltdown in front of Ian in the middle of the night. Ian closed the space between them not caring that he was woken up asking "it doesnt matter, what happened" curiously.

Mickey paused not knowing what to say hating that he bothered Ian in the middle of the night replying "just the usual run of the mill of my dad trying to fucking kill me" not adding along with you too. Mickey remained silent as he looked around his room starting to calm down a little replying "but I'll be fine" hesitantly. Mickey mentally punched himself for sounding so weak because even though he wanted Ian here beside him, a part of him also didnt want Ian beside him because if he did then it meant he was weak.

It also didnt matter since this wasnt the first time he had gone to Ian when had these nightmares since when they were younger he always called Ian right after the nightmares. Ian had seen him at his lowest and weakest and never made fun of him for it but it still didnt stop the self loathing whenever Ian was with him during one of his nightmares. A few minutes had passed when Ian asked "you think you will be okay" curiously.

Mickey softly smiled to himself as he looked at Ian in the darkness feeling suprised he believed it when he hesitantly blurted out "as long as youre here I will be" shyly. A silence fell as Mickey swallowed the lump in his throat hesitantly asking "are you going to leave again" in broken voice. Ian hugged him tighter hating even more that he left three years ago replying "no I'm not, I mean it" firmly.

Mickey let the words sink in letting out a watery sigh replying "good" not adding because I need you and I dont know what I would do if you left me again. Mickey wasnt suprised Ian didnt make fun of him for sounding so broken because he knew Ian would never think he was weak. He was suprised when Ian told him one day that he wasnt weak for being here, it was just a result of trying to stay strong for too long.

As they lay in silence Mickey's thoughts eventually drifted to Ian and he softly smiled to himself remembering all the times they spent together and he couldnt believe that he made a friend that didnt judge him or make him feel stupid. Mickey let out a shaky sigh blurting out defensively "you can go if you want, dont need to see this shit" in a broken voice.

Mickey was scared of Ian walking away from him after this so he decided it would be better if he ended things with Ian. He reasoned it was his choice to cut Ian loose so it would hurt less than if Ian just walked away. Ian saw through it replying "fuck you asshole, not leaving you so stop trying to push me away" angrily. Mickey softly laughed knowing Ian saw through it and he was suprised they both saw through each others bullshit all the time.

Mickey knew when Ian was trying to push him away and always told him it wouldnt work and it looked like it went both ways. Mickey was also suprised at how much more he trusted Ian over the last few weeks. He was surprised that he now thought of Ian as more than his best friend since they were now together, whatever that meant. When he first realized that thought it scared him because he never liked people, he barely even tolerated them but somehow Ian had become more than that and that feeling made him scared.

It made him scared that Ian would hurt him and was just tolerating him because he had to but he knew now that Ian barely tolerated people either. For some reason they both needed each other, got what they needed from the other and it was why they had become so close so quickly because they could relax around each other. Mickey found that he had loosened up again around Ian, he was more comfortable with Ian's light touches on his shoulder and he still tensed up a little but it wasnt as bad as it used to be.

He hated that he found Ian's hugs so warm and comfortable and when he got one he wanted more from Ian but then he always wanted more from Ian and he wouldnt lie to himself about it. He couldnt explain it but Ian made him feel safe and like he was worth something to someone and that made him scared. But he was always hesitant about letting people get close to him, he was wary of Ian at first but Ian had been there through all the nightmares before the hospital and since he came to the hospital.

But over the last few weeks and especially right now after the nightmare Mickey realized he just didnt want to be alone anymore and that thought scared him a lot. They settled in under the covers in the dark room and Mickey faced the wall feeling Ian settle down in the bed making himself comfortable behind him and Mickey feeling how close Ian was to him reached back and grabbed Ian's hand and pulled it over his waist.

Ian seemed to know what his friend needed so closed the gap between them so they were pressed together and hugged his friend tightly as he felt Mickey gradually start to relax. It took them both a while to fall asleep and Ian wondered how much worse things had gotten after he left and he hated himself for leaving when Mickey needed him the most.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning Ian woke up rubbing the sleep from his eyes before noticing Mickey was gone. He let out a sigh moving to lie on his back knowing that Mickey was freaking out after last night and needed some space. It hadnt been the first time that this happened where Mickey had a nightmare, told Ian he needed him in a moment of weakness and then freaked out the next morning. Ian was used to Mickey running away from him after nights like last night but he just wished Mickey would talk to him since they already talked about everything else.

Ian wondered if there was more to why Mickey was having the nightmares but he never asked knowing that Mickey would just get defensive and tell him to go away so he remained silent. Ian knew it was bad if his friend was shouting for him in the middle of the night so he didnt care that he was woken up in the middle of the night. Ian got up and got dressed and checked his phone which they were allowed have to see there was no calls or texts from Mickey so he decided to go get some breakfast and his meds and let Mickey come back when he felt ready to come back into their room.

It was the afternoon when Ian got a text on his phone from Mickey telling him he was out by the trees at the back of the garden behind the hospital. It was where they both used to go when they wanted to be alone or just with each other away from prying eyes and nosy people. Ian walked to the end of the garden to see Mickey sitting on the ground in between some of the trees staring off into the distance. Ian walked over to him and stood in front of him shoving his hands into his pockets blurting "missed you today" softly.

Mickey looked up at him not able lie replying "me too, just needed to be alone you know, this place is a bit much sometimes" softly. Ian let out a laugh knowing he felt the same some days replying "very true" softly. A silence fell as Ian looked down at the ground before asking "you been here all day" curiously. Mickey shook his head hesitantly replying "yeah, couldnt sleep so got up early and came out here, wanted to be alone for a while" softly.

Ian looked up at him shyly asking "and now, you want me to go" hoping Mickey wouldnt tell him to leave. Mickey noticed Ian's hesitation replying "wouldnt have called you to come out here if I didnt want you here" firmly. Ian softly laughed and bit his lip to stop from himself from smiling feeling a wave of relief wash over him at the words because he was scared all day that Mickey would want to finish things between them.

Ian thought about reaching out to hug his friend but decided not to noticing how distressed and anxious Mickey looked and he didnt want to make it worse so he just stood on the spot. Ian was about to say something but didnt get the chance as Mickey just quickly stood up stepped forward and pressing right up against Ian wrapping his arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly breathing him in as he buried his face in Ian's neck.

Ian hugged him back tightly feeling Mickey let out a soft sigh of relief as he rubbed his face in Ian's neck and when Ian felt tears on his neck he softly rubbed his hand up and down his friends back in comfort. They stood in silence for a few minutes before Mickey sniffed and stepped back letting his hands fall to his side as he looked to the floor hesitantly before looking up at Ian mumbling "sorry" softly.

Ian looked back at him shaking his head replying "its okay" softly. Mickey slighly grimaced before looking down at the ground blurting out "he was here, it was so real, I dont know what to do, I just feel so pathetic" sadly. Ian tightened his grip on Mickey looking at him wanting to ask who was here replying "he cant hurt you, it was just a dream" softly.

Mickey felt the sadness wash over him blurting out "he isnt even here and he's still haunting me, I hate it" softly. Ian silently looked at him with a confused expression wondering who this person was but he remained silent. Mickey noticed Ian's confusion continued "my dad, I'm here because of him and he's still got this control of me and I fucking hate it" angrily.

There was silence as Mickey cleared his throat hesitantly blurting out before he could stop it "things got bad when you left, they got really bad, I should have fucking left with you and took Mandy with us" in a broken voice. Ian pulled himself closer tightening his grip even more on his friend replying "what did he do" curiously. Mickey wasnt ready to tell anyone apart from his therapist yet looking at Ian and stepping back a little replying "I cant say it yet, maybe one day" hesitantly.

Ian softly smiled feeling something inside him telling him it must have been bad for Mickey to not be able to tell him replying "tell me when youre ready" softly. Mickey sighed in relief as he looked over Ian's shoulder into the distance blurting out "I dont know who to trust" in a broken voice. A silence fell before Mickey looked at Ian adding "I just know I only trust you, always did" in a whisper. Ian heard it replying "I got that last night and I only trust you too, you know I always did" softly.

He noticed Mickey looked suprised adding "you never said what you did last night before and I thought there might be more so I didnt ask, I figured you would let me in when you were ready" softly. Mickey looked away feeling embarrased that Ian knew him so well even though they hadnt seen in each in a few years. Mickey let out a soft sigh asking "it doesnt bother you I wont tell you" softly.

Ian quickly replied "no, tell me in your own time when you are ready" firmly. Mickey fell silent as he pushed himself closer to Ian even though there was no space between them left and Ian hugged him tightly as they fell into a comfortable silence. They were sitting down on the ground side by side in silence when Ian looked over at him shyly blurting out "I need to tell you something" hesitantly. Mickey looked at him replying "you can tell me anything" firmly.

Ian was nervous and it showed, he was afraid if he told Mickey the truth it would be the end of what they had or what was developing between them both since they met each other. Ian looked around to make sure they were alone before he lifted his tshirt up to his shoulders and when Mickey looked at him and saw healed cuts and scars and reached out to touch them blurting out "I saw these before, what did you do" curiously.

Mickey had noticed the cuts and scars ages ago but he never questioned Ian about it figuring Ian would tell him when he was ready. Ian was suprised there was no judgement in his tone letting his shirt fall back down over his body as he looked at the ground replying "this is the second time I've tried to get stable, before the first time when I was in a depressed phase and starting cutting myself, sometimes I would do it when I was manic, I had all this energy and just wanted a release, this was how I did it" in a whisper.

Ian swallowed rubbing his eyes with his fingers adding "when I got out of the hopsital the first time I never stayed stable, I wasnt really taking my meds the way I should have been, I would stop taking them on the days I felt good and when I crashed I started taking them again but the cutting and burning myself never stopped until I came here, my family dont know either, they already hate me so no need to make shit worse, they cant hate me as much as I hate myself" in a broken voice.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck and leaned into him resting his head on Ian's shoulder hating that Ian went through all of this because he hated himself. Mickey forced Ian to look at him replying "I dont hate you, never could" firmly. Ian softly smiled but it was gone as quick as it was there replying "maybe you should" hesitantly. Mickey snapped "fuck no, youre the best thing that happened to me" firmly ignoring the flush of embarrasment he felt at the words.

Ian noticed it and softly laughed replying "you werent meant to say that were you" humourdly. Mickey softly laughed taking Ian's hand in his own replying "no just slipped out but I meant it" softly. Ian looked down at their hands replying "just had no one to talk to really" shyly. Mickey nudged him with his shoulder replying "you can talk to me anytime you want" firmly. Ian looked up at him in suprise asking "really" softly.

Mickey quickly replied "yeah I mean it, just come to me okay any time of the day or night and anytime you feel like cutting or burning yourself just talk to me instead" firmly. Ian genuinely smiled replying "thanks" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes at Ian before wrapping his arms around him and hugging him tightly before he moved to lie back on the ground. Ian went with him wrapping his arms around him as they moved to lie on the ground in a comfortable silence.

They didnt know how long they had been lying there enjoying the nice summer day alone together when Mickey sighed before asking "you getting up now, you want to go back" curiously. Ian wasnt in the mood to go back replying "no, want to stay here with you" softly. Mickey softly laughed replying "yeah okay" humoredly. Ian softly laughed as they fell into silence not wanting to be anywhere else other than wrapped up in their own world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if any psychiatric hospitals in America have a garden space like the one in this fic. The hospital I visited years ago did have grounds around them like a garden and trees and other stuff so basically I've been using that experience for this story.


	6. I left it all behind but the question still lingers.

Ian felt different, not manic or depressive different, just normal and he thought maybe it was the fact he had someone in his life that didnt look at him and just see his disorder. The person didnt look at him waiting for him to break, they didnt walk around him treading on eggshells either and it made Ian forget he had bipolar disorder until he remembered he had to take his medication.

But he found he didnt really care about the medication anymore because now that his moods had levelled out he felt okay and he knew Mickey probably had something to do with him feeling okay too. Ian was sitting in their room on his bed with back against the wall and feet hanging over the edge of the bed softly smiling to himself absently playing with his phone in his hand as he remembered the conversation he had with his unconfirmed boyfriend out by the trees the other day.

They hadnt really put a name on what this new development they had together and Ian was afraid to bring it up incase he scared Mickey off even though something told him Mickey was all in. Ian couldnt believe that Mickey literally didnt give a shit about the bipolar, the scars from burning and cutting himself just once Ian was okay. Ian couldnt believe that all Mickey cared about was that he was okay and that he had someone to talk to and for the first time in a long time Ian felt like he wasnt alone anymore.

As he looked down at his phone he thought about his family and wondered if they even missed him at all but considering their radio silence he knew they were probably glad he was gone from their lives. Just as his thoughts started to take a negative turn he heard a door slam shut and looked up to see Mickey standing at the door biting his lip with a pissed off look on his face. Ian almost laughed feeling glad for the distraction asking "the fucks up with you" curiously.

Mickey looked up from the ground replying " fucking anger managment therapy, dont need that shit, that shit is what pisses me off" angrily. Ian softly laughed replying "I can see that" humoredly. Mickey scoffed rubbing his face with his hand replying "dont you fucking start" tiredly. Ian laughed and looked back down at his phone before leaning forward to drop it on the floor and then leaned back against the wall letting out a soft sigh and rubbed his face with his hand deciding to just forget about his siblings because they werent worth it at all.

Mickey walked over to Ian and got onto the bed before sitting on top of Ian with a leg each side of him asking "something happen" curiously. Ian looked at him resting his hands on Mickey's hips shaking his head replying "no just thinking" softly. Mickey felt Ian wrap his arms around his lower back replying "youve been staring at your phone a lot lately, you thinking about leaving" shyly. Ian shook his head not hiding the hurt in his voice replying "no just wanted to see if my family called, they didnt, probably glad I'm gone" softly.

Mickey was the last person to be bothered that his family didnt call him, they probably didnt know where he was and he didnt care to let them know where he was either replying "better off without them" firmly. Ian looked off to the side slightly nodding his head in agreement knowing his unconfirmed boyfriend was right. Ian was calling him that as they never made it clear what they were but he didnt want say anything yet about their status or relationship.

But Ian knew Mickey was right in what he said but it still hurt to know his family really didnt care if he was alive or dead blurting out "they probably think I'm Monica" softly. Mickey knew all about Monica from what Ian had told him over time and he didnt like her or Ian's family and he hated that they just made Ian feel so insecure. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck replying "youre not Monica, this right here proves it, you have your shit together dont you, take your fucking meds and all, youre not Monica" firmly.

Ian looked at him as Mickey added "if I hear that shit again I will fucking hit you" firmly. Ian laughed replying "no wonder you need anger management" humoredly. Mickey scoffed trying but failing not to laugh replying "fuck you" lightly. Ian pulled Mickey closer to him looking right at him replying "might just let you" softly. Mickey laughed as he hit Ian across the shoulder with his hand blurting out "you wish" softly.

Mickey looked away trying to hide the embarrasment on his face as he bit his lip mentally kicking himself for saying that hoping that Ian wouldnt read anything into it. But it was too late as Ian grinned at him replying "trying to say something, you know I would let you, have before if I remember correctly" humoredly. Mickey scoffed still not looking at Ian as the memory flashed in his mind before snapping "fuck off" firmly. Ian laughed replying "you know you want to" confidently.

Mickey rolled his eyes shaking his head in disbelief knowing he had thought about it but wanted to change the conversation replying "whatever" lightly. Ian wasnt deterred as put his arm around Mickey's shoulder pulling him in replying "I want you to" softly. Mickey softly laughed hating that Ian always saw through whatever he said so he just said nothing hoping Ian would let the matter drop and he did so they just fell into silence.

Mickey looked up at Ian who looked like he was in a world of his own so Mickey hesitantly reached out to softly place his hand on the side of Ian's head and lightly gripped it before ending the contact. Ian looked up at him in suprise not hiding the small smile on his face as Mickey asked "you okay" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "I am now" softly.

Mickey let his hand drop to his side and Ian still felt the touch on his head and it made him feel warm as he realized he wasnt alone blurting out before he could stop it "you make me feel not alone" shyly. Mickey bit his lip shyly replying "yeah same here about you" softly. They fell into another one of their comfortable silences so Mickey moved to lie down on Ian's bed resting his head on his arm and staring at the ceiling.

A few seconds later he felt Ian move to lie down beside him and rest his head on his shoulder and Mickey was suprised that he didnt tense up and push Ian away but he had known for a while that he craved Ian being close to him and he wanted to be closer to Ian too. Mickey was also surprised that since Ian told him why he left his family and came here that he in return wanted to tell Ian the real reason how he ended up here in this place.

He just didnt know how to do it and he didnt know when he would do it but he felt like he could trust Ian since Ian seemed to trust him too but just hoped Ian wouldnt judge him for what happened to him. But for now he decided he would just enjoy Ian's company and the talk would happen whenever it happened. He just sighed when Ian moved closer to him putting his arm over his waist and and tangling their legs together trying to close the space between them as much as he could and Mickey just hugged Ian tightly knowing Ian needed him in that moment.

A while later Ian's phone beeped again and he remembered the message on his phone from one the people he worked with at the club he frequented before he came to the hospital. Mickey looked over asking "leaving me already" humoredly. Ian scoffed rolling his eyes replying "no, one of the guys I used to work with told me earlier there is a deal on at a gay bar not far from here, he said there is a promotional night, however many push ups someone can do then that's the percentage off drinks all night for that person" lightly.

Mickey laughed looking Ian up and down replying "and how many can you do" curiously not adding that he really wanted to see that in action. Ian shrugged before looking up at him replying "it used to be one hundred in one go and I could run one mile in six minutes" confidently. Mickey laughed replying "so one hundred percent discount, its free drinks all night for you then, what the fuck you sitting here for, you should sneak out or something" humouredly.

Ian softly smiled sitting up to rest on his elbow replying "you'd be coming with me, not going on my own without you, we always go to those places together" firmly. Mickey snorted rolling his eyes feeling glad Ian wouldnt go without him replying "I'd only cramp your style" humoredly. Ian leaned down to lightly kiss his boyfriend replying "no you wouldnt" firmly.

Mickey rolled his eyes as he ran his hand through Ian's hair not knowing what to say back to that because all he ever had was people avoiding him and here Ian was saying he wouldnt go anywhere without him. Ian swallowed the dryness in his mouth before blurting out "not really my thing anymore, I get too anxious so I prefer to be away from those places" sadly.

Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian replying "yeah I know the feeling, its like you get stuck in your head too much, the overthinking drives you fucking crazy and then before you know it youre having a panic attack" sadly. Ian nodded his head in agreement replying "I just feel like everyone is staring at me and they know I'm bipolar and it just makes me feel like I dont belong there" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "same here only I feel like everyone knows how fucked up I am, that I'm scum, its like they smell it" softly. Ian knew that feeling to hesitantly asking "would you go with me, not now but like someday if I ever decided to" softly. Mickey shook his head replying "yeah you know I would" firmly. As Ian lay back down on his side Mickey moved closer to Ian turning on his side to face him when he blurted out "you arent going to meet anyone staying with me all day" hesitantly.

Mickey hated that he said that because it felt like he was pushing Ian away and he didnt want to push Ian away. He wanted Ian to stay with him and he wanted to be around Ian all the time but there was a part of him that just wanted to put himself out of his misery. Ian looked at him silently before blurting out "I dont want anyone else, just want to be here with you so stop pushing me away" hesitantly.

Mickey bit his lip to stop himself from grinning at Ian finding that he didnt have it in him to make a sarcastic comment when he got the answer he wanted. He silently looked at Ian seeing his friend was genuine replying "yeah same here" softly. Ian grinned realizing that he loved his boyfriend but didnt say it since he had a feeling Mickey wasnt ready to hear it just yet but Ian hoped it came through in his actions.

Ian also felt relieved that Mickey said the same thing as he did because he was afraid that Mickey would eventually tell him to fuck off. He was afraid that Mickey would tell him that he had enough of Ian hanging around him all the time but he didnt know until now that Mickey felt the same way. But Ian felt like he could relax since they had made another step in their slow growing relationship and Ian never wanted to be without his only friend and he knew that Mickey felt the same about him too.

* * *

 

It was a while later when Ian was lightly sleeping after taking his meds and was lying on the bed pressed right up against Mickey hugging him tightly. Mickey was softly resting his hand on Ian's head looking over Ian when Mickey blurted out without meaning too "I'm not going back to southside" softly. Ian woke up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes sleepily asking "what, why" tiredly.

Mickey shrugged replying "got no reason to" firmly. Ian couldnt hide the look of hurt on his face and Mickey noticed it looking at Ian holding him tighter adding "except you but I dont know what you are doing yet, I just know I cant go back there, my dad will kill me and you too, he knows I'm gay remember" softly. Ian hesitantly blurted out "I dont want to go back either but I dont want to be without you, where would you go" curiously.

Mickey scratched at his lip replying "my therapist is helping me find something away from the area where we live, she knows my situation and wants to help me for whatever reason" shyly. Ian bit down a smile replying "she likes you" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes pushing himself closer to Ian even though there was no space left between them replying "shut up" shyly.

Another silence fell as Mickey looked away before looking at Ian hesitantly adding "you can stay for a while if you want" shyly. Ian grinned again asking "you inviting me to live with you" humouredly. Mickey scoffed rubbing his eyes with his fingers replying "fuck you is what youre invited to" not able to hide the embarrassment from his face and voice. Ian laughed replying "dont be shy" humouredly. Mickey groaned leaning back shaking his head Ian replying "do whatever you want" defensively.

Ian grabbed Mickey's shoulder pulling him back to face him and hugged him tightly replying "I would happily love to stay at your place, I cant wait to have you all to myself and have my way with you since we cant do it in here" firmly. Mickey shook his head knowing he felt the same about Ian blurting out "good" almost sighing in relief. Ian hesitated remembering a discussion he had with is own therapist before blurting out "I wanted to ask if you could look out for me in case something happens to me and I need help" softly.

Mickey looked at him with confused expression replying "what do you mean" trying but failing not to sound scared. Ian looked up at him replying "like if my meds stop working and I go into a depressive spiral, it means someone can get to me if I need help" shyly. Mickey asked "like if you kill yourself, you wont do that will you" hesitantly. Ian grimaced looking away from Mickey replying "it could happen or I could go manic and try to jump out the window" softly.

Mickey let out a soft sigh grabbing the side of Ian's face replying "I'll help you out any way I can, I'm here for you okay, you know that" firmly. Ian looked up with a suprised expression replying "really" shyly. Mickey nodded replying "of course I fucking will" firmly. Ian grinned feeling suprised and relieved at Mickey's answer as it wasnt the response he was expecting.

He had been so used to being ignored because of his disorder that it made him not trust people and he was afraid people would still judge him for something he had no control over. He didnt know why he felt relieved that Mickey okay with it when all Mickey ever told him was that he didnt care about his disorder and that they were boyfriends and that was all that mattered to Mickey. Ian was broken from his thoughts when Mickey asked "how come you never asked before" curiously.

Ian sighed running his hand through his hair in relief replying "I uh...I didnt trust anyone, my therapist asked me a while ago but I never went through with it because I didnt know anyone and the ones I did know I didnt trust them to look after me if something happened and I didnt want to be a burden on you" shyly. Ian paused before looking at Mickey almost whispering "but I trust you and I like you too, youre the only person I like here and who doesnt just see my disorder, you see me as my own person and not the bipolar, you dont give a shit about the bipolar and because of that youre my friend and more and I was stupid to leave in the first place especially since I should have known you wouldnt give a shit about the bipolar" shyly.

Mickey bit his lip to stop from grinning and he found he didnt have it in him to look away from Ian even when his face turned slightly red replying "good to know but I love you Ian and youre not a burden to me, youre the only person I like up here too although I think you figured that out pretty quickly, that I dont have friends here except you, youre the only person I trust and I think probably the only one I ever trusted" softly.

Mickey was surprised at his admission of love for Ian but he was now scared Ian would laugh at him for saying it or worse rejecting him and he hated himself for revealing that to Ian. He had nothing to worry about when Ian softly smiled back at him not saying anything before Mickey asked "yeah same here and I love you too" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes at Ian's bashfulness and Ian just felt glad that Mickey wanted him to live in his apartment with him when they left here and for the first time Ian felt that he wasnt alone.

Even though Mickey wasnt bipolar and had his own mental illness Ian felt like there was another person who understood the struggle that he had to live with each day of his life. Ian couldnt explain it but he felt a small feeling in his gut that things might just be okay or at least start to and that it might just be a bit easier from now on after tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you probably aren't allowed phones in a psychiatric hospital but the one I visited my friend in allowed it so maybe it depends on the hospital.


	7. Some days the sun shines cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all a flashback chapter showing why Ian left Chicago and Mickey didn't leave with Ian and how they drifted apart too.

**Three years ago on the day Ian left Chicago.**

It was cold winter's day in January when Mickey paced the floor of the dugouts smoking a cigarette as he waited for Ian to show up and he hated that Ian was late as usual. Mickey wished he had of told Ian to meet him at his house but decided against it since Terry wasnt in jail and was making one of his illegal business deals and Mickey was afraid Terry would come back early.

Mickey was already on Terry's shit list for getting in the way when he was trying to get to Mandy the other night in one his drunken rages. Terry was drunk and decided to attack Mandy but Mickey was in the other room when he heard Mandy's screams and ran into the living area to see Terry trying to force himself on Mandy. Mickey didnt think twice as he got the baseball bat and beat Terry with it and when Terry turned his attentions back to him Mickey told Mandy to get out and Mandy ran out of the house.

Mickey was shaking in dugouts feeling the brusies on face and ribs stinging and he could just about breathe and he was dreading going back home later. So Mickey decided it was safer to meet Ian at their safe spot away from prying eyes where they had complete privacy. It also didnt help that Mickey couldnt keep his hands off Ian when he was in the other man's company and he knew it was the same for Ian.

Mickey was also glad for the privacy because he wanted to talk to Ian about something serious. Mickey wanted to ask Ian what was up with him, he noticed Ian had been acting erratically and out of character over the last few weeks. He also noticed that Ian had far too much energy for someone who was barely sleeping anymore.

It made Mickey wonder if Ian was jacked up on steroids or something since he had been hitting the gym pretty hard too and grown quite lean over the past few months not that Mickey saw that as a bad point. He loved how lean and muscular Ian was now but he couldnt hide that worried feeling he had been feeling for the last few months and it was worse now that Monica had made an appearance in Southside a few days ago.

Mickey was looking out over the field as he stubbed out his cigarette on the floor before stuffing his hands in his pockets when he heard Ian come running into the dugouts. Mickey turned around not even attempting to hide the smile on his face hoping his split lip didnt start bleeding again. Ian walked over to him noticing the bruises angrily asking "the fuck did he do this time" icily.

Mickey shook his head replying "he tried to rape Mandy, I put a stop to it, she left the house" softly. Ian tensed up with anger and it showed on his face as he muttered "I'll fucking kill him" icily. Mickey held his hand up replying "Ian dont, the way the fucker is going with his drug running he's five seconds away from getting caught, dont get involved" firmly.

Ian stood closer to Mickey "and do what, let him beat the shit out of you and Mandy, fuck no" icily. Mickey slightly smiled at Ian's protectiveness replying "you cant do anything about it, he will kill you, I cant let that happen, you mean to much to me" not adding I cant lose you because of that asshole. The words hit Ian like a train especially when he heard the hidden message in Mickey's words and it was enough for him to calm down.

Ian stepped right up to Mickey grabbing the front of his coat with his hands and pulling him closer to him as he kissed his friend and Mickey softly groaned when Ian pushed him back against the fence wrapping his arms around Ian. When they stopped Ian leaned back silently looking at Mickey thinkng he had the perfect idea before hesitantly blurting out "you know the way Monica has been back for a few days" softly.

Mickey was wary asking "what about it" firmly. Ian licked his lips before replying "earlier she told me she wants me to leave with her, says she wants to get to know me and that she feels bad about leaving us, leaving me" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian trying to hide the panic he felt at this blurting out "your leaving me" softly. Mickey actually felt like throwing up right now adding "you actually believe her, what the fuck Ian" trying but failing to sound angry. Ian held Mickey's face in between his hands replying "no what I'm saying is come with me, it will be great, me and you getting the fuck out of here" firmly.

Mickey silently watched Ian's expression and when he looked in his eyes he saw Ian was really leaving, he knew it and he knew it didnt matter what he said because he couldnt stop Ian once he made up his mind. Mickey shook his head feeling completely torn in two whispering "I cant leave Mandy, Terry will kill her, fuck knows he's tried enough times over the years all because she looks like our mother" softly.

Ian stepped closer despite there being no space left between them replying "she can come with us, its our chance for us all to get out of here" softly. Mickey bit his lip thinking it over as he looked at floor feeling glad that Ian wasnt pushing him for answer. Mickey thought, no he knew he was fucked for life, he knew he would never get out of southside alive. But Ian was different, he knew Ian had plans to get out of southside, he knew Ian would make it out of this shithole because he belonged to better things in life.

Mickey really wanted to go but he couldnt leave Mandy, if he left Terry would track him down and kill him for leaving and kill Ian too. As he glanced up at Ian he knew what was happening, he could feel it in his gut and he could feel the end coming here, right now this very minute and it tore him apart from the inside. Mickey felt his eyes water and rubbed them with his fingers before looking at Ian blurting out sadly "your going to leave no matter what I say arent you" not hiding the emotion in his voice.

Ian looked at Mickey letting out a sad sigh knowing Mickey was staying for Mandy but Ian wanted to see the world outside of the Southside of Chicago and he also wanted to get to know his estranged mother who promised him another chance. Ian swallowed the lump in his throat replying "I want to do this, you know I've always talked about wanting to know Monica more and seeing what is outside of Chicago but I wont if you tell me not to go" softly.

Mickey shook his head thinking there was no way he was being that person that prevented the other from doing what they really wanted to do as he fought not to let the tears in his eyes fall down, he wasnt weak and his father's words of 'Milkovich's dont cry' rang in his head. A tense silence fell before Mickey let out a watery sigh replying "I dont want you go but I know you want to do this so I'm telling you to go but I cant come with you even though I want to, Mandy needs me" softly.

Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's neck replying "there is nothing here for us, if we leave we're free to be who we are, arent you tired of hiding all the time" firmly. Mickey was too afraid to leave, he felt like once he left everyone would know he was dirt and worthless and not give him the time of day and he knew Mandy wouldnt leave either. But he was also afraid that if he left then Terry really would kill Mandy and he gave to much of a shit about her to leave her here all alone.

Mickey grabbed Ian's coat replying "I am but Ian I dont belong out there, you do, you need to do this and you've always talked about it and I wont stop you either but if I leave Terry will kill Mandy, I know it and I couldnt live with myself if I left and came back and found out he killed her and I wasnt here to stop it" softly. Ian wiped the tears from his eyes knowing Mickey was right replying "I know" sadly.

Another silence fell and Mickey was completely torn over what to do, a part of him wanted to leave with Ian and another part of him wanted to stay to protect Mandy. There was also another part of him that wanted to grab Mandy and then both of them leave with Ian but he knew Terry would track them down and kill all three of them because Terry was no stranger to killing a person just for looking at him the wrong way.

Mickey thought over all the times he and Ian talked about getting out here and seeing other parts of America and Mickey loved Ian's ability to dream, to have ambition and the motivation and determination to make it happen and he had although the thing he didnt like was that Monica was involved. But Mickey knew this was Ian's chance and as he looked Ian in the eyes he could see that restless far away look in Ian's eyes and he knew he needed to let Ian go do what needed to do.

He could feel the energy radiating from Ian and it scared him, the person he knew his whole life was changing and he didnt know how to deal with it especially since he felt Ian was slipping away more and more each day. But he also had a feeling Ian would leave anyway and he didnt want to make Ian stay only for Ian to resent him a few months later and he never wanted Ian to look at him that way.

Mickey sighed looking at Ian blurting out "are you ever coming back" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "yeah its only a few weeks or months, I'm not sure but I think so" lightly. Mickey lightly tugged Ian's hair in his hand before resting it on the back of his neck pulling Ian closer knowing he already regretted his decision "I want you to go, I dont want to hold you back Ian so go and come back when youre ready" sadly.

Ian couldnt stop the tear that fell down his cheek as Mickey added "and when you come back whenever the hell that is then I'll be here, I'll wait for you, I'll still be here" firmly. Ian looked at him in shock wiping his nose with the sleeve of his coat replying "really" softly. Mickey shook his head with a faint smile replying "yeah really" firmly. Ian thought about changing his mind, he couldnt leave Mickey not when he was looking at him with nothing but a sad expression.

Mickey seemed to notice the change in Ian adding "you have to do this, youre going to regret if you dont and I'll be fucking calling you everyday so its not like youre moving to another fucking planet" humoredly. Ian softly laughed knowing that was a good point replying "yeah" softly. Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian asking "when are you going" curiously. Ian bit his lip replying "in a few hours, Monica sprung it on me and said she's leaving later today" softly.

Mickey thought it was bad idea since Monica was involved and Ian seemed to notice Mickey's doubt adding "I know its a bad idea since Monica is involved but I want to know her and if things go bad I'll come home or call you to help me" firmly. Mickey scoffed looking at his friend "you fucking better" firmly. They both laughed before Ian blurted out "want to fuck for the memory" with a smirk. Mickey laughed replying "when have I ever said no" humoredly before pulling Ian closer to him.

A while later when they finished having sex and fixed their clothes Mickey blurted out "you going now" softly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah just need to grab some stuff at home" softly. They clung to each other with desperate touches and hugs as Ian looked at Mickey "if your change your mind you have my number" softly. Mickey shook his head sadly replying "I have it" firmly.

Ian kissed Mickey again before silently looking at Mickey blurting out "I'll miss you" softly. Mickey looked at him grabbing the back of Ian's neck replying "me too, so I'll see you later then" sadly. Ian shook his head as they silently looked at each other before they kissed again and then Ian was walking away across the field and out the gate and out of sight. Mickey watched Ian leave feeling a large part of him die inside but he knew he did the right thing for Ian despite the small whisper that it was a bad idea for Ian to leave with Monica.

Mickey never did change his mind because things went from bad to worse in the Milkovich household after Ian left town. Even though they still kept in touch for the few weeks after Ian left the calls became few and fewer until they stopped and Mickey felt like they were just drifiting apart and he hated it but he was also glad that Ian was happy. Talking to Ian made him remember how much he missed having Ian right beside him everyday.

Another thing he also noticed was that Ian's mood had gotten even more erratic, he noticed Ian was always jumping from one thought to another before he could even finish the sentence on his previous thought and it made Mickey worried but he remained silent. If anything Ian made him forget just how shit things had gotten back in southside but Mickey didnt want to tell Ian because he knew Ian would come back for him and he didnt want that to happen.

Even when Ian asked was everything okay Mickey just told him Terry was on his usual rampages but he didnt tell him that Terry had threatened to kill him if he didnt start getting involved in the drug business. Mickey hated that he was back under Terry's thumb but he knew Terry really would kill him if he didnt follow orders and be the perfect soldier.

Mickey hated that he along with Mandy and Iggy had been caught up in running drugs for Terry. Mickey didnt mind selling his own product that went unnoticed by law enforcement, the small amounts he was selling on the streets couldnt be traced back to him and he liked it that way. But he hated being caught up in Terry's shit, Terry was moving large shipments of it along with human trafficking and guns and Mickey wanted no part of any of it at all.

Mickey knew it was risky and they had nearly been caught few times but he saw no way out anymore and he just felt like he was a raindrop lost in an ocean and he didnt know what to do anymore. It was even worse since Terry was out of jail and on the warpath so Mickey couldnt avoid the house and it just made him miss Ian. At least when Ian was around Mickey had an excuse to get out of the house or he just stayed in Ian's house but now he had nowhere else to go and he hated it and he hated Ian for leaving and not coming back.

But Mickey knew he was fooling himself because he could never hate Ian so he just spent the days angry, tired and trying but failing not to worry about Ian and it didnt help that his pissed off mood was getting noticed by Terry but Mickey didnt care anymore. Mickey didnt care about Terry's comments about him needing a woman to keep in line and he was just five seconds away from saying the only person he needed was Ian.

Mickey was so close to calling Ian lots of times and asking him could he meet up with him but there was something stopping him and he didnt know what it was since he could take Mandy and leave here and never come back. But there was the fear Terry would catch them and kill them and the fear was winning out over what Mickey really wanted to do, he wanted to go to Ian but he was too afraid and he hated himself for it especially as he fell deeper and deeper into Terry's dark world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to show the onset of Ian's disorder in this, don't really know if I did it right but it was my intention to show that his disorder was starting at this point which was why he left with Monica of all people considering Ian and his family hate Monica.


	8. I left it all behind in the dead of last winter.

Mickey was halfway through his six months stay at the hospital and he was starting to freak out over how fast things had moved with Ian since they were back in each other's company again after three years. As much as he liked Ian and was glad Ian liked him back Mickey was freaking out that he was in a relationship with another man and hadnt gotten killed for it yet.

And he hated to admit it but the last three months since he was with Ian were the happiest he could ever remember being happy in his whole life. Considering he thought Ian was gone for good three years ago, to have him back now just made him feel like life was worth living again. Mickey knew if he didnt have his therapist to talk things over with he probably would have reverted to his old default of pushing Ian away with violence.

It was only when the therapist reminded him that in his own words he didnt want to be anything like his father anymore so he worked on not being so defensive but it was still scary. He knew it was hard to change old habits but he couldnt lie to himself anymore, he knew he needed Ian a lot, Ian had changed him in some ways and Mickey didnt want to lose Ian from his life.

The first time had been hard enough and he couldnt go through it again a second time. But he couldnt get rid of the usual thoughts of that he wasnt good enough for Ian, that Ian would leave once they got out of here whenever that happened. He noticed that Ian never hung out with anyone else either and it made him wonder why Ian spent so much time with him when he probably had better offers.

A part of him wondered how Ian could have gotten better offers in here when he never spoke to anyone. It didnt matter that his therapist told him he shouldnt be so hard on himself and that Ian spent time with him because he wanted to and not because he was obliged to be his friend or boyfriend. Mickey felt weird that calling Ian his boyfriend to his therapist since he never made it clear with Ian what they were but he knew in his own mind Ian was his boyfriend and he liked it more than it felt strange.

Mickey felt weird saying that to his therapist, he was also suprised when she didnt even bat an eyelid at him being gay. It was a reaction he never expected since his father was so hatefully homophobic that Mickey thought everyone else thought the same as his father. But since he came to the hospital everyone proved him wrong, not one of them gave a shit and if they did they never worked up the nerve to say it to Mickey or Ian's face.

And Mickey liked that it felt safe here but he knew that safety was only temporary because once they got out of here it would be a different world. The other thing that was getting to him was that he didnt know how long Ian was staying here either and he didnt want to leave Ian behind and leave him on his own not when he had been getting better and stable.

* * *

 

It was the afternoon when Mickey was coming back from his therapy session and silently stood in the doorway of their room looking over at Ian who was lying on his bed silently staring at the celing. Mickey bit his lip and shoved a hand into the pocket of his jeans remembering the words his therapist had told him in their session. Mickey found it hard to say what he needed to say, he was never one for blurting out how he felt every five seconds but he knew Ian needed reassurance.

He knew Ian was so insecure and for that reason Mickey was willing to push himself out of his comfort zone. He knew he would do anything for Ian and he knew if he could talk about Terry in therapy then he could talk to Ian about anything. He rubbed his lip with his thumb pushing himself off the doorway and shut the door behind him before sitting on the bed beside Ian.

Ian felt the dip in the bed and shook himself out of his thoughts looking over at Mickey asking "when did you get back" curiously. Ian moved closer to wall and turned onto his side facing Mickey who looked of to the side as he shrugged "a few seconds ago" instead of a few minutes ago. He didnt know why but he didnt want Ian to know the truth, he didnt feel weird about the effect Ian seemed to have him but he didnt want Ian to know just how much of an effect he always had on him.

Mickey cleared his throat before looking at Ian hesitantly asking "its three months, you get to leave now right" shyly. Ian looked down at the bedsheets trying to ignore the sting of hurt at that hesitantly asking "you want me to go" insecurely. Mickey scoffed softly hitting Ian on the shoulder not hiding the hurt and anger in his voice before replying "no I dont want you to fucking go but you never said how long you were staying here, I just thought that since the voluntary three months is up you would probably leave so fuck you for asking that" harshly.

Ian looked up at him seeing the hurt on his boyfriends face replying "sorry, I just thought you'd want rid of my crazy ass" shyly. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian replying "fuck no and I never will, thought it was the opposite actually, that you'd want to leave to get away from me, that's why I asked" hesitantly. A silence fell before Ian licked his lips replying "you were right about the three months but I signed up for another three" softly.

Mickey's jaw slightly dropped as he made the connection replying "I'm here for a court ordered six months, why would you sign up for another three, I cant wait for us to get out of this shithole considering I'm here by fucking force" firmly. Ian softly laughed as the warm feeling at the use of 'us' spread through him replying "because I want to be here with you, dont want to leave you here and I dont want to leave on my own" shyly.

Mickey rolled his eyes lying down beside Ian and facing him replying "youre an idiot" mockingly. Ian rolled his eyes before replying with hurt in his voice "I dont have anyone outside of here, I dont want to go back to my family, they dont miss me, they havent even visited or tried to and they probably never noticed I'm gone so I know they dont give a shit" softly.

Mickey moved closer to Ian resting his hand on the back of Ian's head looking at him replying "well fuck them, you dont need them, you have me and I give a shit about you, always fucking did remember" firmly. Ian believed him as he slightly laughed replying "I know you do which is why I'm staying, not leaving you here alone" softly. Mickey lightly tugged Ian's hair smirking at him replying "you think I cant survive on my own" humoredly not adding I just about did for three years.

Ian rolled his eyes lightly punching Mickey in the stomach replying "didnt say that asshole" humoredly. Mickey hit Ian back in the stomach with his hand that was lying between them replying "its what you implied" lightly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Ian let out a sigh before blurting out "I've nowhere to go anyway so might as well stay here" in a whisper.

Mickey heard it and couldnt help agree replying "neither do I but we'll figure something out when we leave" softly. Ian looked around the room as he rolled Mickey's tshirt between his fingers hesitantly blurting out "really" shyly. Mickey moved closer to Ian pulling him in for a hug replying "yeah and I fucking mean it okay" firmly. Ian softly grinned letting the words sink in but he had a feeling there was more, that Mickey was holding something back and if the nervous look on his boyfriend's face was anything to go by then Mickey wasnt finished talking.

A few seconds later Mickey looked at Ian with a tight smile before hesitantly blurting out "it just means we may have cool it a bit when we get out" softly. Ian scoffed in disbelief glaring back retorting "a couple that hides, I'm not a fucking secret, I was that before and I wont do it again" angrily. Ian knew that they hadnt exactly been hiding the nature of their relationship in the hospital and while people knew about them being together nothing was ever said to them over it and people actually seemed supportive of their relationship.

Ian just hated that he had to go back to hiding who he was not that he ever did in the first place, he never hid being gay but he never went around telling anyone in south side about his preferences. He just felt like he was side piece again when he used to spend his nights in the gay clubs with Monica where men looked at him like someone who looked pretty and worth nothing more than sex. Ian didnt want to go back to that, he felt so cheap and demoralised and dehumanized and he was afraid Mickey just saw him the same way.

Mickey let out a tense sigh closing his eyes trying his best not to snap replying "just because people in here dont give a shit doesnt mean it will be the same when we leave here, my dad will literally kill us when we get out of here and he sees us, he's the fucking reason I am in here Ian, he's probably sitting in prison right now plotting revenge" firmly. Ian looked off to the side not hiding the hurt and anger on his face blurting out before he could stop himself "I cant do this again, I cant be another secret like I was when I went to the gay clubs when I left Southside" tiredly.

Mickey looked confused and concerned asking "youre not a secret to me Ian, I just want to protect us" firmly. Ian scoffed bitterly looking at the other man replying "really, youre fine in here but not out there, I'm not saying we shout our relationship from the rooftops but just a basic acknoledgement would be nice" firmly.

Mickey looked like he was going to say something but Ian kept going not able to stop himself and not hiding the hurt in his voice "I wont do it, do you know what its like for men to see you as nothing more than someone to use for sex, thats all they ever wanted from me, I was just a fucking twink to them, I was good enough for them when they wanted something but then they would go back to their fucking wives and pretend they were straight and that I never existed and I wont do it again, I'm worth more than that and it took me a long time to see that" angrily and then falling silent unable to keep looking at Mickey.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's head not hiding the confusion at Ian's words knowing they only ever went to gay clubs together. But then he remembered the three years that Ian wasnt in Southside and he wondered what exactly happened to Ian over the years considering what Ian just said to him and it made Mickey want to kill the fucker who kept Ian a secret.

Mickey nudged Ian with his foot while also replying "I didnt know that but youre not just some twink to me okay, youre far more than that to me, those assholes arent worth your time if they cant see it, youre not a fucking to secret to me, I'm just trying to protect us" firmly. Ian looked up to see Mickey had a genuine expression and he knew he meant it replying "really" shyly.

Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's replying "really" firmly. Ian moved closer wrapping his arms around Mickey feeling the anger deflate as Mickey added "I'm just trying to say that if my dad isnt in prison then we need to be careful, I'm already on his enemy list for refusing to get married to some girl that he tried to force me into marrying" firmly. Ian looked up at him not hiding the shock from his face replying "really" softly.

Mickey scoffed replying "yeah the fucking asshole hates gay people, goes on weekly fagbashings and he knows I am one of them since I told him to fuck off and that I wasnt marrying some bitch all because he fucked up on a drug deal with a supplier he was already in debt with and used me to get him out of it" angrily. Ian's jaw dropped in shock blurting out "what, how" curiously.

Mickey scoffed replying "when he fucked up he told the supplier that he would do anything to repay the debt and when the supplier told him he had a girl here illegally that needed citizenship my dad said I would marry her and then the debt would be paid and the asshole supplier agreed to it" angrily. Ian blurted out "what the fuck" in shock.

Mickey bitterly laughed replying "thats what I thought so when I was in the Alibi later and he told me what happened, it probably didnt help I was already drunk but I told him it wasnt happening, that I'd rather kill myself then fuck a girl or marry her and when my dad accused me of being gay I didnt exactly deny it and then he nearly fucking killed me in the bar but I gave as good as I got, the fucker broke parole, was only out for a few hours and then got thrown back in jail and then I got sent here because of that asshole" angrily.

A tense silence fell before Mickey added "I dont know why I just couldnt go along with it" softly. Ian rubbed Mickey's shoulder with his hand replying "maybe a part of you just didnt want to do it anymore" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "maybe" tiredly not adding a part of him was still waiting for Ian to come back home for good. Ian curiously asked "when did you become okay with being gay" softly.

Mickey rubbed his eyes replying "after I told you but it took me a long time to be okay with it, only really been okay with it in the last year or so, that was when I started sneaking off to boystown every now and again" lightly. Ian grinned at the memory of them going to the bars in that area replying "we need to go back there" with a smirk. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian replying "it wasnt like when we went, this time I made sure to get what I needed and get the fuck out of there before my dad got suspicious as to why I was gone for so long" tensely.

Mickey couldnt stop himself blurting out "anyway its not like I noticed anyone else when we were there" firmly. Mickey's face flushed as Ian softly laughed replying "werent meant to say that were you" lightly. Mickey closed his eyes tightly rubbing his face with his hand hiding his embarrasment replying "no" shyly. Ian grabbed his hand and pulled it away from his face replying "dont be shy, come on, I'd be the same about you" firmly.

Mickey opened his eyes to look at Ian as he softly laughed replying "youre an idiot" shyly. A comfortable silence fell before Ian replied "I guess I was always okay with it, I dont know if my family know, still havent told them" softly. When another comfortable silence fell Mickey shoved Ian with his body blurting out "I am okay with being gay Ian, I'm okay with us, I just want us to be safe from the homophobic assholes like my dad which is why I dont want anyone knowing about us" softly.

Ian shook his head with a tight smile replying "I know, I just dont want to be a secret" shyly. Mickey rested his hand on the back of Ian's head replying "I know and I hate it too but we just have to be careful, I'd rather that then you being killed" softly not adding that he couldnt lose Ian again. Ian knew he was right in what he said but it didnt mean he had to like it but if it meant keeping them both safe then he would go along with it, he would rather be safe than sorry.

Ian just hated that they had to hide who they were, hide their love for each other because a bunch of homophobic assholes couldnt deal with gay men exisiting just because it was a threat to their own sexuality. Ian knew he would rather be careful because at this moment he didnt know what he would do if Mickey was killed all because he didnt want to be a secret as he looked up at him replying "okay, same here" softly.

Mickey looked all over Ian's face before he kissed him and hugged him tightly feeling the way Ian hugged him back just as hard. Mickey looked at Ian blurting out "anyway we can go to boystown if you want, we wont be a secret there, I swear" firmly. Ian believed him looking downards hesitantly replying "I'm not sure I want to go back there, I mean to those kind of bars, too many bad memories" softly.

Now Mickey really was worried asking "Ian what happened after you left, I know something did" not hiding the concern from his voice or expression. Ian felt his eyes water and rubbed them with his fingers replying "I'm not ready to talk about it yet" softly. Mickey rubbed his hand up and down Ian's arm in support asking "think you ever will be" softly. Ian looked at him blankly replying "dont know, think so" softly.

Mickey had a horrible feeling it was bad replying "well tell me whenever youre ready" firmly. Ian softly smiled replying "you'll be the first to know" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Ian wondered if he would ever be able to tell Mickey what happened over the years he was away. Ian didnt think he ever could, the shame and disgust and hatred he felt towards himself was too much and he was sure Mickey would hate him if he knew the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am quite a few chapters ahead in writing this story, all I need to do it is go back and edit and proof read the chapters so my updates will be quite regular.


	9. The past is only the future with the lights on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mickey has to deal with Mandy, she finally tracked him down.

Mickey was sitting in the visitation room hating that he was being forced to see his sister. He hated that Mandy had somehow found out where he was and decided to come visit him at the hospital and he hoped she didnt tell anyone where he was either. He sat at the table glancing around nervously biting his lip getting ready to make a run for it and say he changed his mind. Just as he was about to leave he heard someone sit in front of him telling him "nice to tell me you were here asshole" firmly.

Mickey groaned before looking at his sister asking "how the fuck did you find me" angrily. Mandy scoffed replying "fuck you asshole, I spent the last few months looking for your ass, thought Terry killed you and dumped you in Lake Michigan" before laughing. Mickey figured she had a point and looked at her as he responded by giving her the middle finger replying "fuck you asshole" with no anger in his voice.

Mandy rolled her eyes replying "I called your parole officer and they told me you were here by court order for your own protection, turns out they didnt want two Milkovich's in the same jail, probably would have killed each other" firmly. Mickey knew she wasnt wrong replying "yeah well I'd rather be here than in the same fucking place as him" angrily. There was silence before Mandy looked down at her hands resting on the table blurting out "so you really did it, I heard about what happened, Kev and V told me what went down that night" softly.

Mickey looked up not hiding the anger from his expression replying "great now everyone fucking knows, cant go back there now, they'll fucking kill me" angrily. Mandy shook her head in disagreement looking at her brother replying "youre wrong, people dont give a shit and they even said so, they actually think you are a bit of a legend or something facing off against Terry, a lot of them have been wanting to do that since for fucking ever but never had the guts to, dont even think its registered to them that you are gay, they just think its awesome that someone said no to Terry fucking Milkovich and lived to tell the tale" gleefully.

Mickey scoffed rubbing his face with his hand replying "glad you find it so funny" lightly. Mandy laughed softly punching Mickey on the shoulder replying "good, there is nothing funnier than what Terry thinks is weak actually standing up to him, you proved the fucker wrong about gays being weak" humoredly. Mickey looked down at the table before looking at her replying "he'll fucking kill me when I get out of here, is he still in prison" curiously.

Mandy shook her head replying "yeah, got another year added since he broke parole, good enough for him, no one will miss the asshole" icily. Mickey shook his head in agreement hoping someone would do the world a favor and kill the bastard in prison replying "true" softly. A comfortable silence fell before he hesitantly asked "does he know I'm here" softly.

Mandy shook her head replying "no, he called a few days after he got locked up again wanting to know where you were, said he hadnt seen you in prison so he called the house to tell you to get the fuck out and that he'd kill you when he saw you next time" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "tell me something I dont know, fucker has been wanting to kill me since the day I was born and I just gave him a good fucking reason to do it" icily.

Mandy smirked at him slightly laughing replying "I told him I couldnt tell you right now since you were holed up in your room fucking and getting fucked by your boyfriend but that I'd pass the message on eventually" humoredly. Mickey laughed out loud in disbelief running his hand through his hair whispering "youre fucking crazy, that's just made shit worse he'll fucking kill you too for siding with me" humouredly.

Mandy shrugged like it was nothing replying "with a bit of luck he will have a heart attack, I just hung up on him when he started ranting and havent heard from him since, even Iggy hasnt been to see him, said he doesnt give a shit who you bang" firmly. Mickey quietened down looking at his sister replying "I know but he will kill you both for siding with me, he expects you to side with him" softly.

Mandy rolled her eyes at her idiot brother replying "dont you fucking get it, me and Iggy are on your side, we dont give a shit about gay people, Iggy's friend has a sister who is gay so we really dont give a shit what that homophobic asshole thinks and if he comes back and gives you shit then we will deal with it, we got your fucking back Mickey and I think Kev and V do too since they said they werent suprised either" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at his sister feeling the last remenants of the closet lose its grip on him even more hesitantly asking "really" softly. Mandy saw just how vulnerable her brother looked in that moment but didnt comment on it replying "really, you got nothing to worry about, no one gives a shit except you and that's because of Terry" softly. Mickey bit his lip sighing in relief looking down at his hands before asking "you said they werent suprised, was it that obvious" shyly. Mandy shrugged replying "no, think they just knew there was something different about you, cant really explain it but you hid it well if Terry never noticed" softly.

Mickey scoffed knowing the amount of energy that took replying "I just couldnt do it anymore, he was forcing me to marry some girl as a debt repayment, I couldnt do it Mandy" in a broken voice. Mandy looked at her brother replying "I know and I dont fucking blame you for not going along with it, you shouldnt have to pay for his fuck ups, he goes on about being a man and he's just a fucking coward, everyone knows that about him, they just wont say it because they are too afraid of him" firmly.

Mickey nodded in agreement knowing she was right but he still felt the cold sweat of fear down his neck over the thought of when his father got out of prison. It was worse now because also had Ian to protect and he didnt know how he was going to do it but he knew he would protect Ian at all costs. Mickey shook himself out of his thoughts looking up at his sister asking "why did you come here anyway" curiously.

Mandy rolled her eyes replying "wanted to see you asshole, I fucking miss you, Ian left town first and then you were gone, I'd no one to get high with so fuck you" firmly. Mickey's face lit up at the thought of Ian but he hid it quickly wishing Mandy would leave because he just wanted to go see Ian right now as he hadnt seen him all day. Mandy noticed it because she didnt miss anything looking at her brother replying "the fuck's up with you" curiously.

Mickey kept looking down at his hands resting on the table biting his lip wondering if he should tell her but then he remembered that Ian didnt want anyone to know and it wasnt his place to tell Mandy that Ian was back in Chicago. Instead he blurted out "does everyone know, from the bar" softly. Mandy was looking at her brother quietly replying "dont think so, it was still early and not a lot of people were there and I dont think they give a shit since they arent part of Terry's crew, you'll be fine when you get out" firmly.

Mickey scoffed replying "you dont know that" softly. Mandy rolled her eyes replying "nothing has been said to me yet so stop freaking out about it, Kev and Vee told me they dont give a shit so no one fucking cares, stop living in fear over Terry, its what he wants" angrily. Mickey bit his lip looking down at the table knowing she was right but he wasnt going to tell her that asking "so what else is fucking happening" curiously.

Mandy rolled her eyes as they continued talking until visitation hour was over. Before Mandy said she had to leave she stood up putting her hands in her coat pocket before hugging her brother with one arm. When she held Mickey's hand in her own he felt her hand him something that felt suspiciously like a joint and a lighter and it was confirmed when she gave him a hard look with a smirk whispering "present for you so dont get caught" softly. Mickey laughed replying "thanks, I've been wanting one since I came here" softly. Mandy walked away and Mickey discreetly slipped the joint and lighter into the pocket of his jeans as he left the visitation room to go and find Ian and get high in their spot on the grounds of the hospital.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian hated group therapy, he hated that other people who didnt know what it was like to be bipolar got to hear about how much he fucked up when he was manic or how much he scared his family when he was depressed and couldnt get out bed. Ian knew they were looking at him and thinking of telling him to get over it and it made him want to scream and punch something until he collapsed from exhaustion.

They didnt get how hard it was for him to talk about the things he did and happened to him while he was away with Monica. Ian had just started to open up about the sexual assault that happened while he was manic and high on drugs. Ian didnt really want to remember it depsite the fact he was sure he knew what happened but he told himself it didnt happen because he didnt remember it or much of the details and he also hadnt told Mickey out fear of Mickey rejecting him over what happened those few years ago.

The group session he had today was the last straw after one of the other non bipolar people there told him he should have just enjoyed it and that he probably imagined it or it was just another one of his psychotic episodes. The person also told Ian that he was just another whiny bitch that wouldnt take his pills and get on with things instead of complaining all the time. Ian just snapped and lunged for the guy beat the shit out of the man who said it until he realized he was being dragged out of the room by two nurses who threated to sedate him if he didnt calm down.

Ian didnt want to be sedated, it reminded him too much of the first time he was in this place trapped in a mental fog so he remained quiet but fuming with anger and when the nurses let him go he stormed away down the corridor. Ian was now sitting against one of the trees at the spot where he and Mickey would go when they wanted to be alone staring off into the distance still feeling rage bubbling under the surface of his skin.

He was so angry he didnt even realize he was crying until he felt Mickey kneel down in front of him resting his hand on the back of Ian's neck slightly squeezing it asking "what happened" in a concerned tone. Ian shook his head replying "nothing, it doesnt matter, is not important" in a broken voice not adding I'm not important. Mickey sat on top of Ian with a leg each side of him replying "doesnt look like nothing to me, so tell me" firmly.

Ian wiped the tears from his eyes looking downwards as he told his boyfriend what happened in group therapy except the assault part because he wasnt ready for Mickey to know yet before blurting out "maybe he was right, I dont know" in a whisper. Mickey heard it glaring at Ian replying "he fucking wasnt, dont listen to that asshole, I'll fucking kill him next time I see him" angrily.

Ian softly smiled at his boyfriend replying "I think he wont say anything to me again since I punched him in the face" humouredly. Mickey scoffed angrily replying "I'll do fucking worse, I'll fucking" but the words died on his tougne when Ian just grabbed the back of Mickey's neck and shut him up by kissing him hard and Mickey just kissed him back. When they stopped Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's blurting out "Mandy came to see me" softly.

Ian's expression faltered replying "yeah, she okay" curiously. Mickey told Ian everything that he talked about with Mandy and what his sister told him about Terry before blurting "she thinks people dont give a shit about my outburst about being gay or at least Kev and V dont" softly. Ian shook his head replying "they dont, I know them well enough to know that" firmly. A silence fell before Ian hesitantly asked "you didnt tell her I was here did you" softly.

Mickey lightly tugged Ian's hair with his hand replying "no not my shit to tell" firmly. Ian smiled replying "thanks, not ready for the outside world to know just yet" softly. Mickey moved a little closer replying "she wouldnt say anything you know" firmly. Ian knew he was right as he slightly shook his head looking at Mickey replying "I know" not adding he was scared of people knowing he back in Chicago.

Ian slightly shook his head feeling a sense of relief wash through him and the anger he felt earlier dissapate as he decided he would rather focus on his boyfriend than keep worrying what would happen when he left the safety zone of the hospital. Ian sighed blurting out "I'm going to talk to my therapist and tell her I'm not doing group anymore, it isnt working for me" firmly.

Mickey looked back at him blurting out "good, dont know why you go to group, I stopped ages ago, couldnt deal with the other assholes who havent a clue what its like for me" firmly. Ian softly laughed leaning his head back against the tree silently looking at his boyfriend who was now taking the joint and the lighter out his pocket. Mickey smirked at Ian holding up the joint and lighter "present from Mandy" lightly.

Ian laughed replying "I love Mandy, she's awesome" lightly. Mickey scoffed lighting up the joint and took a hit from it as he looked at Ian replying "you love me more right" curiously. Ian scoffed taking the joint off him and inhaling it before replying "I do" firmly. Mickey leaned forward softly kissing Ian on the forehead silently looking at him blurting out before he could stop himself "I do you know, I love you" not adding he always did even before they started up whatever they had between them right now.

Ian looked back at him and saw he meant replying "I love you too" firmly not adding he always did and probably always had loved Mickey. They lay down beside each other on the grass under the trees facing each other in their own world as they shared the rest of the joint. They were talking about more stuff when Mickey saw the joint was smoked right down to the last bit so he inhaled the last of it and stubbed it out on the ground.

He leaned forward and kissed Ian who just inhaled the smoke pulling Mickey back down on top of him moving so his boyfriend was lying between his legs as they finished off the last of the joint together. They both felt the effects of the weed consume them completely until they forgot about the world around them for a few hours.

A while later they were lying on their backs side by side on the ground when Mickey laughed as the weed started to wear off blurting out "best afternoon ever" lightly. Ian looked over at him slightly laughing as he rubbed his eyes replying "yeah" firmly. Mickey sat up resting on his elbow and running his other hand across Ian's stomach lightly thinking Ian was so pretty but he wasnt going to say that out loud.

Ian looked at him thinking the same thing but some other thought forced its way in and he couldnt stop blurting out "I wanted it, the weed so dont feel like you forced me into something" shyly. Mickey shook his head looking intensely at Ian replying "wasnt thinking that" softly. Ian bit down on his lip looking away to other side of him hiding the blush he felt at the way Mickey was looking at him knowing he was just thinking the same thing a few moments ago.

Mickey knew he just embarrased his boyfriend and himself so he rested his hand on Ian's face so when Ian looked at him Mickey blurted out "just thinking that was some good shit Mandy got" humoredly. Ian paused before laughing out loud replying "yeah it was" humoredly. Mickey lay back down on his back looking up through the branches of the trees wishing he didnt have to go back to the hospital.

Ian rubbed his eyes with his fingers blurting out "my therapist is going to kill me when she finds out, how the fuck are we going to sneak back in without someone noticing we stink of weed" softly. Mickey didnt answer even as Ian moved to lie on his side half lying on top of his boyfriend looking down at him asking "so how are we going to do that and anyway it was your idea" lightly.

Mickey scoffed looking at Ian telling him "showers over on the east side of the building are empty this time of day, its where I shower because I dont want people seeing the scars on my body" shyly. Ian's expression softened as he trailed his fingers up and down Mickey side asking "your dad, I noticed them ages ago but I never asked" softly. Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers before looking at Ian replying "yeah, you know he used to beat me when he was drunk but it got worse after you left" softly.

A tense silence fell before Mickey added "actually he didnt even have to be fucking drunk, just had to be pissed off and sometimes not even that, all he had to do was look at me, he stabbed me with a broken bottle for getting in his way once, didnt really need a reason, fucker just hated me, think he knew I was gay all along which was why he hated me, got a few because I took his beatings so he would leave Mandy alone" in a broken voice. Ian faltered before asking "he didnt hurt her did he" softly.

Mickey rolled his eyes retorting "tried to, Mandy can take care of herself but sometimes he would mistake her for our mother and sneak into her room at night, caught him trying to get into her room once but Mandy had the door locked from the inside so I took the beating for her" in a whisper. Ian felt that wave of anger wash through him blurting out "I'll fucking kill him" angrily. Mickey softly laughed looking at his boyfriend asking "you my knight in shining armour or some shit" sarcastically.

Ian shoved against him humouredly replying "fuck you asshole" lightly. Mickey rolled his eyes hating but loving that Ian had same protectiveness towards him like he did with Ian. They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian blurted out "I wont let him hurt you anymore or Mandy too" firmly. Mickey looked at Ian and saw he meant it but he couldnt find the words to say so he let Ian's words sink into his brain blurting out before he could stop it "I know" in a whisper.

Ian softly smiled as they lay there in silence lost in their own thoughts and trying to sober up not noticing that the sun was starting to head towards the horizon. When Mickey noticed it he knew it was getting late so he sat up blurting out "we should get back before they fucking notice we're gone, we've been here for fucking hours" lightly. Ian laughed as they got up and they went to east side of the building for the showers before they went back to their rooms after getting some food.

When they closed the door behind them that night and were lying in bed together wrapped up in each others arms Ian sighed in the darkness blurting out "at least no one noticed we were gone" tiredly. Mickey softly laughed holding Ian a bit tighter replying "no thanks to you, you nearly fucking got us caught on the way back here after the showers" humoredly. Ian laughed knowing his boyfriend wasnt wrong pushing into him a little more blurting out "whatever, you know I cant play it cool" softly.

Mickey knew Ian was right and was just about to fall asleep when he heard Ian whisper "thanks for today, I really loved it and you made me forget just how much I hate myself sometimes" softly. Mickey heard it and softly kissed Ian on the lips again rubbing his thumb on the back of Ian's neck replying "same here" softly and he knew Ian heard it when Ian tightened his grip on him even more before they both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I know its probably impossible to sneak in some weed to a psychiatric hospital but Mandy is a Milkovich, she wouldn't let that small detail stop her. And while I try to keep things as realistic as possible, its still fiction.


	10. This desperation leaves me overjoyed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mickey admits why he is in hospital and he witnesses Ian's meds stop working.

Ian was lying in his bed under the covers blankly facing the wall across the room where Mickey's bed was located and he was feeling like absolute shit and he didnt know if it was normal or to do with his bipolar disorder. He had already spoken to his doctor and therapist who agreed he should keep an eye on his mood over the next few days before making some med adjustments.

They also wondered if Ian's mood was more to do with his intense therapy sessions rather then his body becoming used to the med combination so decided to leave it for a few days. Ian didnt agree with them at all because ever since Mickey came back he had been fine but in the last day or two his mood had been completely off and he felt like he was heading towards another downward spiral.

Ian hated that he had no control over when it came or how bad it would get even with the meds which might just stop working and it was looking like they had stopped working. Now Ian was glad he was able to convince them it was the meds that stopped working so they finally agreed to a change in medications which was why he now felt like absolute shit.

Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt a tshirt hit him in the face so he looked up to see Mickey sitting on the other bed across from him almost laughing at Ian's stunned expression. Ian pulled the covers tightly under his chin mumbling "fuck you asshole, leave me alone" softly. Mickey scoffed standing up and walking over to Ian replying "whats that mumbles" humoredly. Ian looked at the ground feeling Mickey sit beside him but he didnt look up replying "you heard me" softly.

Mickey laughed biting his lip before pulling Ian into a headlock replying "yeah I heard you" mockingly. Ian pushed against him trying to get out of the head lock but it didnt work as he was lying down and Mickey tightened his grip on Ian while laughing as they struggled on the bed. Ian had his face buried in Mickey's stomach and he wasnt in the mood for this right now so he punched Mickey hard in the side causing him to flinch away from Ian.

Mickey rubbed his side glaring at Ian shouting "the fuck was that for asshole" angrily. Ian angrily pushed himself out of his bed and sat on Mickey's bed replying "told you to leave me alone" firmly. A tense silence fell as Mickey sat up resting his feet on the floor while still rubbing the spot that Ian punched on his side while also glaring at him from across the room. Mickey noticed how down Ian looked and sighed feeling the anger deflate hating that he pushed Ian too far, he hated that he missed Ian's low mood.

He hesitated blurting out "you okay, is it the meds" curiously. Ian bitterly scoffed running his hand through his hair knowing if he told the truth then Mickey would run for the hills but he remembered something his therapist told him about letting others make their own choices and giving the other person a chance to make that choice. Ian hated that he had to take risk that people might abandon him because of his disorder.

He preferred pushing them away because it hurt less when they did leave because then he only had himself to blame because he knew he told them to leave or pushed them away. His therapist called it a self fulfilling prophecy where he takes the steps that lead to actions he thinks might happen. Ian laughed in the therapists face when she told him that because he thought it was bullshit. But later on when he thought about his past actions he realized she was probably right, he could see the patterns in his behaviour and decisions and it scared the hell out of him too. He must have been silent for too long because Mickey told him "you dont have to tell me if you dont want to" defensively.

Ian looked at him apologetically replying "I do want to tell you, its just hard, you havent seen me like this before, I'm just afraid youre going to leave when you see how bad it can get because this nothing to how it can be when I'm not on the meds" insecurely. Mickey gave Ian some space so stayed where he was replying "dont care how bad it gets, still not going away so you might as well tell me how bad it can get" firmly.

Ian swallowed before looking at the ground deciding to just take the chance "you probably noticed I've been really quiet and tired in the last few days, sleeping a lot and a bit foggy brained too, I'm going into another depressive state but the meds are taking the edge off it, I just had them adjusted too which doesnt help either but it will pass when I get used to the new dosage, it works the same way when I go into another manic state only the meds dull the mania, dulls my enegry levels and stuff" softly. Ian fell silent licking his lips while gripping the edges of the matress tensely still staring the floor.

Mickey thought it wasnt so bad but he wondered how much as he still looked at Ian asking "and when you arent on the meds" curiously. Ian bitterly laughed but swallowed it down tensely replying "the mania is normally bouncing off the walls, I could clean this whole hospital and alphabetize everything in the place when I'm manic and I wouldnt even notice it, some people can jump off buildings like Monica did but I havent done that yet, can also go without sleep, I used to do that when I worked in the clubs in New York, get home a five am and sleep for an hour and then run eight mile or more" softly.

Ian fell silent before swallowing saliva again adding "the depressive stage is worse though, I feel great when I'm manic but the depressive stage is worse, I could be in bed for weeks not able to move, have no energy, dont want to live, definately a suicide risk, Monica slit her wrists once at Thanksgiving dinner, havent gotten that bad yet but probably will" sadly.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers letting the words sink in and he knew there was no way he abandoning Ian right now and he hated those people that abandoned Ian when he needed them, he hated every one of them and it made sense now as to why Ian voluntarily came to this hospital for so long. Ian let out a watery sigh blurting out "you can leave if you want" trying to keep himself from crying because he was expecting Mickey to leave the room.

He was suprised when he saw Mickey kneel down between his legs resting his hand on his shoulders before pulling him in for a tight hug. Ian hugged him back tightly feeling a bit of relief wash through him especially when Mickey rested his foreheard against his own looking at him replying "I dont want to leave, youre stuck with my ass unfortunately, couldnt get rid of me even if you want to" humoredly. Ian looked at him before letting out a soft laugh feeling the tension drain out of him completely at seeing Mickey meant every word.

Mickey looked at him siilently before asking "so what happens now" curiously. Ian sighed replying "just wait for the adjustment to kick in, should be a few days since I only got them changed today" softly. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck silently looking at him as Ian blurted out "I'm sorry for snapping" softly. Mickey shook his head replying "fuck no, you got nothing to be sorry for, if anyone should be its me for not noticing but I will next time and just tell me if you want me to fuck off and leave you alone" firmly.

Ian softly smiled slightly shaking his head replying "okay" softly. A silence fell as Ian felt the urge to lie down and sleep so he moved to lie down under the covers of the bed reaching for his boyfriend who just took his jeans and lay down under the covers facing Ian who just stared at the celing. Mickey pushed closer to Ian's side putting his arm over him and rubbed his hand over Ian's shoulder before resting his hand on the side of Ian's head softly kissing him on the cheek before resting his head on the pillow. Ian let out a sigh of relief at the touch feeling the tension that built up over the last few days drain out of him as he let his eyes close melting into the bed and the warmth of his boyfriend as he fell asleep.

A while later Ian woke up turning over onto his side and settled down just as Mickey opened his eyes blurting out "good sleep" curiously. Ian felt Mickey pull him closer looking at him replying "yeah the meds make me sleepy" softly. Mickey ran his hand through Ian's hair as Ian asked "this is freaking you out" as he settled closer to Mickey even though there was no space left between them in the bed.

Mickey softly laughed "it takes a lot to scare a Milkovich off and you being bipolar isnt one of them" humoredly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "good to know" and paused before adding "I just like that you treat me normal, you dont treat me like I will break or waiting for me to lose my shit completely" shyly. Mickey scoffed asking "why the fuck would I" icily.

Ian rolled his eyes again liking the bluntness replying "my own family do, they look at me like I'm crazy, I know they always talked about me a lot when I was there, knew they also counted my meds to see if was taking them, wasnt for a while but they didnt know that" softly. Mickey asked "well fuck them, anyway how did you hide it, not taking them" curiously.

Ian looked at him sliding his hand over Mickey's waist replying "just flushed the daily dosage at the times I was meant to take them, its not that hard but I think they still knew but didnt want to say, they just looked at me like I needed to be fixed, like I was broken or something" softly. Mickey replied "your not crazy Ian or broken or need to be fixed, how can you need to be fixed when its part of who you are, I know crazy and you arent it" firmly.

Ian genuinely laughed asking "how do you know what crazy is if I'm not it, we are in nuthouse you know humouredly. Mickey shoved against Ian replying "my dad is fucking crazy, look the definition of crazy up and his name will be beside it or at least it should be" humouredly. Ian laughed shaking his head remembering some of the stories he heard from Mickey before replying "considering what I've heard about him then you might be right" humouredly.

Mickey scoffed replying "no might be because I fucking am right" firmly. A silence fell before Mickey added "I ever tell you that Mandy told me the last time she was here that they didnt give a shit I was gay, I think she was a little offended that I thought her and Iggy would be homophobic like Terry" softly. Ian looked at him "not surprised" softly. Mickey looked down as he felt Ian wrap his arms around him blurting out "I dont know why I thought they would be, think I just thought everyone was the way that Terry was except you" softly.

A silence fell before Mickey added "when I first realized it I freaked out and then I told you and you hugged me and told me you didnt care because you were too, I realized I wasnt alone especially when you said didnt care and that it was okay, you helped me be okay with it" softly. Ian hugged him tighter replying "I'm glad I did help you be okay with it" curiously.

Mickey didnt know if he should say it biting his lip before blurting out "after you left for the first two years I sort of went back into the closet, didnt go to the clubs like we used to on the northside, too afraid Terry would find out, think I was just a lot braver when I was with you" softly. Ian softly smiled looking at his Mickey replying "same here" humouredly. Mickey rolled his eyes lightly pushing Ian with his body replying "shut up asshole" teasingly.

Ian shrugged hugging Mickey tighter in his arms replying "tell me the rest" lightly. Mickey moved a little closer where they could feel the other's breath as they spoke on their faces telling Ian "but about a year ago I realized I was okay with it, I went back up there and it was fine" not adding he hoped that he might see Ian up there one night but it never happened.

Mickey hated those nights because he felt so low and sad that he ended up getting a random fuck in the alley before going back to the dugouts with a bottle of whiskey and drinking the bottle before going home to bed. A silence fell and Ian could see Mickey was thinking about something but remained silent as Mickey added "anyway one day Terry was going on about I needed a girl to make me a man or some shit, Iggy and Mandy were in the room and apparently they said I looked scared shitless so Mandy told Terry to stop forcing me into things I wasnt ready for, Terry nearly beat the shit out of her for it but me and Iggy stopped him and Terry backed off" softly.

Ian had a confused expression asking "you think they knew but never said" curiously. Mickey shrugged replying "fuck knows, if they did they never said anything to me but thinking about it now I think they already knew or had an idea of it at least which is probably why Mandy wasnt surprised and said they didnt give a shit" firmly. Ian felt glad replying "I'm glad they dont give a shit, I know how worried you were about them finding out" softly.

Mickey frowned as he looked directly at Ian before blurting out "the fuckers knew didnt they, fuck Iggy and Mandy" in exasperation. Ian laughed replying "well if they did know and it sounds like they did at least they covered for you when they had to" firmly. Mickey bit his lip blurting out "yeah that's true but there is another weird thing that happened too, Terry said I was acting like a faggot one night in one of his drunk rants because I didnt have any girls around all the time so before I could say anything Iggy said I used a fuck girl because they came with no strings attached" lightly.

Mickey rolled his eyes adding "anyway Terry told him paying a prostitute would be the only way it would happen since no woman would want a unless fucker like me unless they were paid" softly. Ian growled tightening his grip on his boyfriend muttering "fucking assholes" icily. Mickey heard it and laughed at Ian "cool it tough guy, it wasnt that bad" humouredly. Ian laughed replying asking "so what happened after that" curiously.

Mickey shrugged hugging Ian tighter to him replying "me and Iggy just left and went to the abandoned buildings and got high" before laughing. A silence fell as Ian full on kissed his boyfriend before blurting out "I'm so fucking proud of you" firmly. Mickey scoffed hiding his face in Ian's chest to hide his embarrassment replying "fuck off" lightly. Ian laughed hugging him tighter running his hand across Mickey's back replying "no" humouredly.

Mickey didnt push Ian away letting out a tense sigh before looking at Ian blurting out "I might be okay with being gay now but I wasnt for a long time and while I'm only out to you, I'm not comfortable with people outside of here knowing" shyly. Ian softly smiled replying "its okay, I dont really care who knows, I dont admit it but I dont deny it but if you want we'll be more careful when we leave here okay, I'll do it for you, anything you want, I dont care if we have to be a secret just once the people who we care about know" firmly.

Mickey bit his lip to stop himself from smiling but it was too late as Ian noticed it and grinned at him as Mickey blurted out "shut the fuck up asshole" lightly. Ian rolled his eyes laughing as he threw his leg over Mickey's wrapping himself completely around his boyfriend replying "make me" confidently. Mickey shoved back against Ian trying to get out of his hold but he couldnt move so he just kept his arms around Ian's lower back and pulled the red head on top of him as he kissed him to shut him up.


	11. I can feel this rain right now its falling on me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really nervous about this chapter, wasn't sure if it was a good idea to write this but I did because it does happen unfortunately especially when alcohol and drugs are involved. So I'm going to put a warning on this chapter because there is discussion of rape. There is also a flashback in this chapter.
> 
> Triggers for discussions of rape.

They were both in their private spot out in the trees in the garden with Mickey sitting right up against the tree resting his head against the trunk as Ian lay sideways resting his head in Mickey's lap as both them remained silent lost in their own thoughts. Ian was staring up the branches above him and when he felt Mickey softly rest his hand on his head Ian let his eyes close letting out a soft sigh crossing his arms over his waist.

Ian was thinking that it was time for Mickey to know the truth and Ian wanted to tell Mickey what happened while he had been away from Chicago but he kept putting it off because he got scared of how Mickey would react. Even though Ian was afraid of the result such as Mickey saying he asked for it or needed to get over it he just needed to talk to someone other than his therapist but all he could think was that Mickey would leave if he knew the truth.

Ian hated that he never called Mickey back after that phone call that he made to his friend six months after he left town but lately he couldnt stop thinking of that day and he wished things had of been different back then but he was in the early stages of his disorder and he was scared and alone and Monica was no help at all. So he called Mickey because he knew his friend would know what to do but when he called he realized he didnt want to be a burden on his friend.

Ian opened his eyes looking up at his friend blurting out "that night I called you a few months after I left" softly. Mickey who had been staring off into the distance in a world of his own absently combing through Ian's hair with his fingers looked down asking "what about it" curiously. Mickey wasnt sure he wanted to know as he remembered that night that Ian called him in the middle of the night.

* * *

 

**Six months after Ian left.**

When the calls from Ian stopped Mickey thought something was wrong but he was too busy trying to clean up Terry's messes and not get caught by the cops to worry about it too much. Mickey really hated that Terry was getting too arrogant with his criminal activities and wouldnt listen to anyone when warned they were in danger of getting caught. Mickey just put it down to Ian being busy and he knew Ian was quite independent and did his own thing on his own a lot so he figured Ian would call when he had time.

Mickey was just after coming home from the Alibi letting out a sigh of relief that Terry had been arrested again and would be in jail for a few months until he got out for overcrowding. Mickey hoped that wouldnt happen as he got undressed and went to bed for a peaceful nights sleep hoping he dreamt of a certain redhead that he couldnt deny how much he missed to himself anymore.

Mickey really missed Ian and over the craziness he endured over the last few weeks with avoiding the cops Mickey never really had time to worry about Ian until now. Mickey lay in his bed on his side in the darkness hoping Ian was okay. He hadnt heard from Ian in a few weeks and any time he called him Ian never called him back despite Mickey leaving messages on Ian's voicemail.

He eventually fell asleep until he was woken up by his phone buzzing on the table beside him so he sleepily grabbed it and answered it "who the fuck is this" angrily. There was silence and he was about to hang up when heard "Mickey its me" softly. Mickey recognized the voice and woke up completely replying "Ian" firmly. Mickey sat up straight noticing that Ian sounded like he was crying and he hated that he knew there was something wrong, if someone hurt Ian he was going to find them and kill them for it.

There was a silence as Ian quietly sobbed on the phone and Mickey not hiding his panic asked "Ian whats wrong, are you okay" knowing Ian wasnt okay. He heard Ian quieten down letting out a watery breath sobbing "I should never have left, I want to come home, why did I leave, I should have listened to you, you said it was a bad idea when Monica's involved and I'm an idiot for not listening, I'm so sorry for not listening to you" not hiding the emotion from his voice.

Mickey rubbed his forehead with his hand trying to calm himself down "Ian its okay, where are you, I'll come and get you" firmly. Ian sobbed again replying "I dont know, last I knew I was in Arizona but I dont think I'm there anymore, she met some guy, he drives a truck or something and said we could get a lift with him but she pissed him off, there was fight and then I blacked out but that was weeks ago, I dont know where I am now" softly.

Mickey noticed Ian was whispering and he knew it was bad so he got out of bed and walked out of room and into the kitchen replying "Ian what the fuck happened" softly. As Mickey grabbed the bottle of whiskey and sat at the table drinking from the bottle Ian replied "I dont know, I was fine for a few months and then I crashed and couldnt get out of bed for weeks and then I was fine again but I crashed really bad again a few weeks ago and I dont know what's happening, Monica wont tell me, she said I'm fine and that its the drugs she keeps giving me but I know I'm not, its not the drugs" softly.

Mickey quietly sighed rubbing his eyes with his fingers asking "why didnt you call me sooner, tell me where you are so I can come and get you" softly. Ian sobbed again before replying "she wouldnt let me call you, she took my phone off me but she's out now so I managed to find it, she wont let me leave, everytime I try she says I'm only leaving because I dont love her anymore so gives me drugs so I wont leave but when I'm fine again she doesnt, I'm so messed up, I dont know what's wrong with me anymore, I miss you and I want to come home, I need you" sadly.

Mickey couldnt stop himself from letting the tears fall from eyes at how lost Ian sounded trying to think before replying "Ian tell me where you are, you have to be near a window, there has to be a newspaper lying around with the town name on it or something" firmly. He heard Ian move around over the phone before Ian replied "there is nothing" softly.

Mickey bit his lip worriedly replying "Ian find out where you are and call me the fuck back, I'm worried about you" not adding I love you and I miss you more than I thought I would before I let you leave. Mickey really regretted letting Ian leave now as Ian replied "I'll try and find out and call you" before falling silent. Mickey heard a commotion over the phone that sounded like someone arguing and he knew Monica had come back as he heard them fight over the phone before the call was disconnected.

Mickey let his phone fall on the table yelling out "fuck" angrily. Mickey called Ian back but his phone was switched off and when he tried several more times the phone was still switched off and he knew things just got worse for Ian. Mickey took the bottle of whiskey with him to bed and waited and hoped Ian call back but the call never came and Mickey drank until he passed out.

A few days later Mickey still hadnt heard anything from Ian and when he called Ian's phone again the number was no longer in service. Mickey drank for three days straight knowing Ian was out there somewhere and needed him and he couldnt do a damn thing about it and after his alcohol bender and he sobered up Mickey decided he would look for Ian himself since no one else would look for Ian.

But he had to stop since he hadnt had any luck in tracking Ian down and the fact he didnt know where Ian was made things worse. As he sat in the living area on the sofa Mickey sighed in frustration hating the whole situation when he heard Mandy sit on the other chair across from him blurting out "if we havent found him by now we never will" softly. Mickey scoffed resting his head in his hand looking at the floor "dont you think I fucking know that" angrily.

Mandy knew about Ian, Mickey told her about that night that Ian called and she immediately helped him look for Ian but she was completely out of ideas. Mandy sighed leaning forward to look at her brother "I know you do but I'm out of ideas, I feel like Ian is on his own until he calls us again and when he does then we will go get him" softly. Mickey said nothing, all he could think was that Ian never gave up on him so he was never going to give up on Ian.

Mandy continued "I know you two are close but there is nothing we can do for now, we just wait" softly. Mickey looked at her blurting out before he could stop himself "he wouldnt give up on us" firmly. Mandy smirked replying "I know and we're not giving up but there is no point in taking off if we dont know where to look, what if we're gone and he turns up, for all we know he could be on his way back" softly.

Mickey knew she had a point as she added "and as you know Terry is back out in a few weeks so maybe we should deal with that problem first" softly. Mickey knew she was right and wished someone would do him a favour and kill the piece of shit called Terry replying "yeah I know, fair point" softly. They fell into a silence as Mandy left the room leaving Mickey to get lost in his own thoughts.

Mickey knew Ian was tough and would be okay but he felt like he was just trying to convince himself of that but he knew she was right, they had a bigger problem called Terry to deal with in a few weeks. Mickey decided to go along with Mandy's words for her sake but he wasnt convinced but he also didnt see what he could do especially about Ian when had no leads at all. It didnt help that he had been dragged into his fathers criminal activities and was trying to stay out of jail at the same time.

 

* * *

 

 

**Present day.**

Ian cleared his throat blurting out "that time I called you I was starting to come out of a depressive phase, looking back on it my disorder was in full swing at the stage but I didnt know what was wrong, Monica said I was bipolar but I didnt want to hear it, didnt want to be like her" sadlly. Ian felt Mickey's eyes on him as he looked up at the branches continuing "I wanted to call you but she said I didnt need anyone but her, that you wouldnt understand, that no one would and that you would only try to fix me and that we didnt need to be fixed" softly.

Mickey felt the anger wash over him knowing he would kill Monica the next time he saw her but he remained silent not trusting the words that would probably spill out of his mouth. Ian shifted on the ground adding "she got into my head, told me I didnt need anyone, that you wouldnt care when you found out and that you would turn your back on me and so would my family, that no one cared about people like us because we were broken to them and they couldnt handle us the way we are" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian as he scoffed "she's fucking wrong, I dont think of you like that at all" icily. Ian slightly laughed looking up at Mickey replying "I know that now" lightly. Ian licked his lips before adding "but Monica has a way of getting inside your head and twisting everything to the way she wants you to see it, she manipulated me and played on my insecurites, she knew how much I liked you and was afraid of losing you and she twisted it and made me think that you wouldnt want me when you found out I'm bipolar" firmly.

Mickey rubbed his hand over Ian's chest looking down at him replying "I dont give a shit about the bipolar and youre not going to lose me" softly. Ian grabbed Mickey's arm looking at him replying "I know that now" firmly. Mickey scoffed "good" firmly. They fell into a comfortable silence for a few seconds and then Ian blurted out "I hadnt been able to call you after that night because Monica sold my phone to some guy for fifty bucks so she could get some drugs for herself, I didnt know she did it until I told her to give my phone back, she told me she broke the card in my phone because we should be free or some shit, its why my number disconnected" softly.

Ian paused before adding "she also said that when you found out you would leave so why not cut all ties with you and my family, you know leave you all before you could all leave me or some shit like that" softly. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's side under his shoulder replying "she's a fucking idiot" icily. Ian scoffed before sadly replying "I know but at the time I believed her, I was already thinking it and she played on it and it worked, I stayed away didnt I" softly.

Mickey bit his lip hesitantly asking "and now" shyly. Ian picked up on it replying "I dont believe her anymore, wont be staying away from you this time" before letting out a soft smile. Mickey softly laughed resting his head back against the tree trunk still looking at Ian blurting out "good because I'll kick your ass if you do" firmly. Ian laughed moving a little closer to Mickey replying "I know you would" humouredly.

A silence fell before Ian looked away from Mickey blurting out "about a week later when I was nearly out of the depressive episode I noticed she was gone, she left, she was in the middle of a manic episode and I was near the end of a depressed episode and she didnt like that so she left me in the crackhouse we were crashing in at the time" softly. Mickey gripped Ian's shoulder snapping "what the fuck" angrily.

Ian shrugged replying "thats Monica for you" dismissively. They fell into a silence as Mickey lightly rubbed his hand over Ian's stomach and along his ribs noticing the way Ian let his eyes close and It made him smile to himself over the effect he had on Ian. Mickey wanted to know more asking "so what happened after that" curiously. Ian kept his eyes closed knowing it would be easier to say all of this if he kept his eyes closed.

Ian blurted out "well I found out I was in Oregon after I called you, dont even remember how I got there and when I asked Monica she wouldnt tell me but after she left I hitched from there to New York, hard to do when you've no money" softly. Mickey's hand stilled asking "what do you mean" not liking what the answer would be but he knew it was bad. Ian opened his eyes clenching his fists that were lying on his stomach needing to see Mickey look at him in disgust blurting "sexual favors to gay or in the closet straight men for a free lift" softly.

Ian felt sick and was suprised Mickey didnt look at him in disgust but instead looked confused asking "why the fuck didnt call me, I would have come and got you, that hitching shit is risky, people have gotten killed doing that shit" angrily. Ian shrugged replying "dont know, I knew you were probably deep in Terry's shit by that stage and didnt want to make things worse for you" softly.

Mickey knew he was right replying "I was but I still would have come and gotten you, Terry could go fuck himself, youre more important" firmly. Ian bit his lip trying to hide his embarrasment and he knew his face was turning red replying "nice to know you appreciate me" humoredly. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "fuck you asshole" lightly. Ian let out a sigh before replying "I'm sorry for not calling back but I'm okay now" softly not adding that he nearly did once but couldnt go through with it in the end.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers replying "what else happened, you know I looked for your ass a few times but then I realized I didnt know where you were" softly. There was silence as Ian bit down a smile on his face knowing that Mickey would do what he did before he sadly replied "all I knew was something was wrong with me, when I left I was fine, had loads of energy and then I crashed, it happened a few times, I keep getting really high highs and then I would crash and everything was bad, it kept happening all the time and I lost track of time too and to Monica it was one big joke" softly.

Mickey swallowed the dryness in his mouth asking "were you on something at the time" curiously. He heard Ian sniff clearing his throat before he replied "before I called you I was but when I went into the depressed state and called you I hadnt taken anything in weeks but after I went manic again I started to self medicate with drugs, Monica said it was the only way to handle the disorder" softly.

Mickey thought that he really was going to kill Moncia if he ever saw her again as he rested his hand on Ian's stomach. He silently looked at Ian who had his eyes closed and grabbed Mickey's hand in his own resting on his stomach wondering just how much more he should say but he knew he needed to do it for his own sake. Ian felt Mickey rest his other hand in his hair and he felt glad that it was only him that got to see the softer side of Mickey and no one else. Ian opened his eyes to see Mickey was leaning back against the tree with his own eyes closed before he blurted out "it got worse" softly.

Mickey looked down at him with a frown asking "how much worse" curiously. Ian sighed hesitantly blurting out "when I finally got to New York, it took ages because I was manic and kept getting distracted but when I got there I worked as a dancer in gay club, it wasnt seedy or anything but I took it further and after my shift in the club I worked as a male escort or rent boy, however you want to call it, it was more money than club gave me so I did it" not hiding the shame in his voice and waiting for Mickey to ridicule and shame him for his decisions in New York.

Mickey rested his hand on Ian's cheek looking at him replying "its nothing to be ashamed of Ian, we all need money and doesnt matter how we get it" firmly. Ian softly smiled as he looked at his boyfriend noticing there was no look of judgment but just understanding on his face replying "I didnt think you would see it that way" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "I've done worse shit for my dad, actually I was a pimp for a while before the place got busted by the cops so dont worry about it" humouredly.

Ian laughed feeling himself relax replying "so you really dont give a shit, we should work together then" humoredly. Mickey lightly punched Ian's stomach replying "fuck no, youre mine, no one else's, you fucking hear me" firmly. Ian bit down a grin feeling warm at the declaration replying "loud and clear and same goes for you" firmly. Mickey rolled his eyes slightly laughing replying "thought that was obvious" lightly.

The laughter died down when Mickey asked "what about your family, do they know" curiously. Ian shook his head feeling lost in confusion replying "no, they couldnt handle me being bipolar so no way was I telling them what happened, dont need their judgemental looks, they already think I left because I was manic but they dont know that when I left I was fine, the mania came later long after I left but they kind of looked down at me because of it, like I lowered myself somehow by leaving with Monica" softly.

Mickey scoffed retorting "fucking hypocrites, think they are fucking better than rest of us despite living in the same shit hole" icily. Ian softly laughed nodding his head in agreement replying "I hear you" softly. A silence fell before Ian blurted out "it got bad, thinking about it I think the mania was gradual and I just took a lot of drugs to handle it, actually I think it was starting before I left, I just felt really restless before I went away" softly.

Mickey let out a sigh squeezing Ian's hand looking down at him tensely biting his lip before blurting out "I noticed it Ian, I noticed that something was different and I never said anything, I just thought you were on something, steroids or some shit like that because you were hitting the gym pretty hard, I should have said something" softly. Ian shook his head looking up into blue eyes replying "it would have made no difference, I probably wouldnt have believed you, would have said I was fine, I was in denial that something was wrong until just before I came back a year ago and by then it was too late" sadly.

Ian fell silent as the memories of that night flashed in his mind and he could feel his eyes water so he rubbed them with his hand and Mickey knew just by the look in Ian's face that it got worse. Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head replying "you dont have to tell me but you can if you want" softly. Ian knew he needed to talk about it, he needed to get over this replying "I want to" softly.

Ian opened his eyes and sat up straight resting against Mickey's side looking down at the ground blurting out in a wet voice "one night I felt really tired, it was a gradual dip in energy so I just took more drugs, I was so out of it I didnt even know my own name, couldnt see straight either, when I got outside some guy that was in the club waited for me, he told me I wanted it and tried to attack me but because I was so drunk and out of it on drugs I couldnt fight back" not able to hid the shame in his voice.

His throat dried up and he couldnt speak as he felt the urge to vomit stumbling over the words "I..uh....I tried but I blacked out and all I remember is waking up in the alley beside the club a few hours later with my trousers down at my knees" in a whisper. Mickey hated where this was going as he held Ian a bit tighter as a voice in his mind screamed 'dont say it, dont say it, dont say it" but he just remained silent letting Ian take his time.

Ian was staring at a patch of grass and swallowed the bile in his throat back into his stomach forcing himself to say it despite the shame he felt "think I was raped, just remember some bleeding and being sore for days after it" hesitantly. Ian remained silent hearing it admitted out loud shocked him and felt like a punch to the guts after denying it for so long adding "yeah I was raped" in a whisper.

Mickey froze hating that Ian just confirmed his thoughts for him so silently hugged Ian tighter by wrapping his arms around Ian as tight as he could knowing there was nothing he could say to Ian silently sobbing in his arms. Mickey hated himself for not being there for Ian, he hated himself for letting Ian leave in the first place and he didnt know who to blame because he knew if he had of told Ian not to go all those years ago they wouldnt be in the situation they were in now.

Mickey buried his face on the top of Ian's head feeling his own eyes sting with tears and was trying not to let them fall but he failing by the second because he felt like he failed Ian in some way because he wasnt there to protect him. Ian slightly shook his head as everything about that night and after it along with his fear of actually being raped but in denial about it all along blurting out "I know that anal sex hurts when its forced, I just know that after that night I never felt like that when we did it, just know that I didnt want it and I dont think I wanted to even think about being raped" in a broken voice.

Mickey hugged Ian tightly hating what he just heard as Ian cried against him hugging him back tightly and Mickey wished he could kill the asshole for doing what he did to Ian. Mickey was afraid there could have been more and couldnt stop himself asking "did you get checked" curiously. Ian let out a shaky sigh "not until I came back and went into hospital for the first time, its mandatory to have a full check up and they checked everything, luckily I came back clean for everything, didnt catch anything so you dont need to worry" softly.

Mickey hated that Ian was only thinking of him when he should be thinking of himself blurting out "Ian I dont give a shit about me, I give a shit about you being healthy and not catching anything from that bastard that raped you, its bad enough he fucking forced himself on you, you dont need to catch shit from him too like AIDS or something" firmly. Ian shook his head knowing it was a good point replying "yeah I know, guess I was lucky" softly.

They didnt know how long they had been lying there in silence as Ian's sobs quietened down and he kept his face buried in Mickey shoulder hating that someone other than his therapist knew his secret. Mickey stared into the distance behind Ian absently running his hand up and down Ian's back hugging him tightly feeling nothing but anger towards the person who hurt Ian.

Mickey thought back to when he used to be in the house with Mandy and he wished that he had of known what was happening and have been there for Ian as a friend. Mickey blurted out "I'm sorry I couldnt help you, If I'd known" softly. Ian shook his head awkwardly replying "you didnt know, its okay" softly. Mickey scoffed bitterly replying "I want to kill the bastard" icily. Ian scoffed replying "so do I" angrily.

Mickey hesitated before asking "why...why didnt you tell anyone" curiously. Ian scoffed again not hiding the anger in his voice "who would I tell and who the fuck would have cared or believed me, who would have believed a drunk, coked out gay person that works in a gay bar and a part time rent boy, even women never get believed when they say they are raped so no one would believe a man especially a gay one" bitterly.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's head and when Ian looked at him Mickey didnt hesitate replying "I would have" firmly. Ian saw he meant his words so he replied "and what would you have done" curiously. Mickey didnt even blink or loosen his grip on Ian replying "I would have done something, come out to New York and put something in his drink so it looked like he overdosed" firmly. Ian laughed and when he stopped he silently looked at Mickey blurting out "for some reason I believe you" softly.

Mickey blushed and looked down trying but failing to hide the small smile on his face. Ian softly smiled at him adding "dont be embarrased, I like that you would do that for me, didnt think anyone would really" softly. Ian pushed himself closer to Mickey not that there was any space left between them where they sat on the ground adding "but a few days after that I crashed, even though it all happened over a year ago its still hard to deal with, it was why I was in denial about my disorder for a while but I couldnt lie to myself anymore, I didnt want to be like Monica and because of what happened I didnt like not being in control anymore, that night wouldnt have happened if I wasnt so out of it so its my fault" in a broken voice.

Mickey didnt hesitate "its not your fault Ian, the fucker took advantage of you so dont blame yourself" firmly. Ian looked at him replying "I know but its hard not to" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian before asking "but youre getting better now with therapy and that" curiously. Ian shook his head looking down at Mickey's chest replying "I dont know, I feel too fucked up, I cant get over it, between trying to manage my disorder and stay stable and deal with what happened, I have nightmares, cant stand people touching me, have anxiety and panic attacks, I'm barely fucking functioning at all" sadly.

Mickey didnt look away hoping the answer was no shyly asking "do you hate me touching you" curiously. Ian softly smiled feeling a blush creep up on his face as forced himself to not look away replying "suprisingly no" softly not adding that he never could because he felt safe with Mickey. Mickey smiled slightly laughing replying "so its just me, good to know" softly. Ian softly laughed wrapping his arms wround Mickey resting his head on his shoulder as they fell into a comfortable silence and sat there lost in their own thoughts over what Ian just admitted until it was time to go back into the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Statistically male rape does happen it is just even less reported than female rape due to stigma, fear and shame. I hope I didn't trigger anyone reading this.


	12. So please take me far away before I melt into the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was going to wait to post since the site is acting up again but hopefully you get to read it.

Ever since Ian told Mickey all of what he said about what happened when he was manic and raped he was expecting Mickey to back off and start avoiding him or judging him for his actions while he was away. Ian didnt know why he was surprised when Mickey didnt show any judgment or start to avoid him but he figured that his boyfriend was full of surprises. He also noticed that Mickey seemed to be more protective of him but didnt treat him like he would break or made of glass.

Ian wondered if he felt that because he saw the looks he got when he used to be part of group therapy, the looks of judgement from other people who didnt understand his situation. Ian didnt know why group therapy was a mix of people with different issues and wondered would it not be better if he was in a group of people who had his disorder and wouldnt look at him and judge him all the time.

Ian felt like they looked at him like he was just another twink that wanted it and changed his mind at the last minute and it made Ian want to beat the shit out of them for their judgmental looks. Ever since he had spoken with his therapist about not going to group therapy and his reason why she agreed that it was probably in his best interests for his own recovery to not go to those session anymore.

Instead he just focused on his individual sessions with his own therapist which Ian preferred because he didnt have to deal with people who didnt know what it was like to be in his shoes. The only other person who seemed to understand his situation was Mickey and he didnt know why he didnt tell him what happened sooner. Ian put his delay down being afraid he would recieve the same judgmental looks from Mickey and he knew it would be the end of him if that happened but it didnt much to his relief.

Ian walked out of his therapist's office and closed the door behind him feeling mentally drained and tired. It had nothing to do with his meds and sometimes he hated therapy because it was so intense especially when he didnt want to talk about stuff that he just wanted to forget and pretend never happened. Ian moved to side leaning against the wall as another person made their way into the room past him and shut the door and Ian wondered how he was meant to do this for the rest of his life.

How was he meant to take a load of pills and talk about shit in therapy and not crack up, all he wanted was to be normal and he knew he never would be no matter how much he liked to pretend that he could be normal. Ian let out a defeated sigh staring at the linoleum floor and stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans hating that his therapist was urging him to think about rebuilding his life outside of the hospital.

Ian didnt see how he could rebuild, his family didnt want to know and he wasnt sure about his relationship with Mickey or where they stood and he was afraid of that conversation. He said all this in his session and he hated that his therapist made it sound so easy and pointed out that Ian was just overthinking everything and assuming what Mickey would want before asking the man.

Ian let out sigh figuring she had a point especially when she pointed out that by not saying anything to Mickey he was just assuming what Mickey wanted and falling into his usual trap of negative thinking again. Ian glared at the floor biting his lip in frustration hating that the therapist was pushing him to talk some more to Mickey. But he knew she was right in saying that the only way to find out was to ask but he was too afraid of the rejections as Monica's words from all those years ago were still having an effect on him and he hated it.

Ian softly grunted silently telling the image of Monica in his mind to fuck off when he felt someone wrap an arm over his shoulders asking "hey asshole, the fuck you standing out here for" lightly. Ian looked up and softly grinned when he saw it was Mickey replying "just got out a few minutes ago, you visiting Mandy again" lightly. Mickey stood right up against Ian's side resting his hand on the back of Ian's neck and lightly squeezing it looking at him replying "yeah, seems to think she needs to tell me everything happening back home not that I give a shit" firmly.

Ian softly laughed replying "you tell her that" curiously. Mickey scoffed replying "fucking right I did but when did that ever stop her" firmly. Ian softly smiled replying "she just misses you" softly not adding at least she gives a shit unlike his own family. Mickey had noticed Ian's mood as he walked down the corridor from the visitation room blurting out "lets get something to eat" firmly. Ian looked off to the side replying "yeah I could eat" softly before they walked down the hall towards the cafeteria.

* * *

 

Later on that night they were in their room and Mickey was lying on his bed reading his book while Ian lay in his own bed undressed under the covers silently staring off into space. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he heard Mickey blurt out "shove over" lightly. Ian blinked and looked up to see Mickey was undressed and moved over to the wall lifting the covers as Mickey climbed into the bed and settled in beside Ian facing him and Ian dropped the covers back down over them pulling them up to their shoulders.

Mickey was about to ask what was wrong moving a little closer to Ian but he never got the chance as Ian blurted out "I never told you what happened when I came back" softly. Mickey rubbed his hand over Ian's ribs before resting it above his hipbone replying "you dont have to tell me" lightly. Ian moved a little closer to whatever the hell the Mickey was to him now knowing he wanted to blurting out "its fine" firmly.

A comfortable silence fell before Ian started talking "when I came back I went into a different hospital than this one to get stable, I stayed there for six months and then I went back home and when they found out I was gone with Monica and that I was bipolar they started treating me differently, Fiona and Lip were the worst, they looked at me like I was Monica and waiting for me to lose my shit even though I said I was stable, I caught them a few times counting my meds to see if I really was taking them" softly.

Mickey muttered "fucking assholes" icily. Ian softly smiled rolling his eyes replying "but I ended up getting job at one of the gay bars on the Northside just working behind the bar, my family thought I wasnt taking my meds because of it even though I told them I needed the money and it was the only way I could afford the meds, it was also a way to keep some independance" softly. Mickey interjected "routine's good right, you told me that" softly.

Ian shook his head replying "yeah and it worked but my family could never see that, and even though it was uncomfortable at the club at first being clean and sober I got used to it again even though I would have flashbacks and wondering who it was that attacked me" softly. Ian felt Mickey move closer to him as he continued "I hated it when I would get claustrophobic when people got too close to me, nearly had some panic attacks when people were behind me, always felt like something was going to happen, hated it when people touched me on the arm or went to hug me, I nearly hurt a few people because of that so I kept my distance from people, didnt let them get to know me, figured it was safer for me and them if I did" softly.

Mickey swallowed a lump in his throat hating that he was being so selfish shyly asking "what about me" curiously. Ian softly smiled not sure if he should say it but he figured he was being this honest so far and there was something about Mickey that told him he could trust him not to tell anyone anything or judge him for what he was about to say. Ian let out a sigh before replying "a first I didnt get why you wanted to hang out with me but over time I realized that it was like we were before I left, it was like I never left at all and I realized how much I missed you" firmly.

It was out before he could stop it adding "when we got to know each other again I realized how alone I was before you and how unhappy I was, you make me happy and I want that more, you didnt judge me for being bipolar, I dont think you even cared, it was nice to not feel alone anymore, you make me feel normal" softly. Mickey softly smiled as he looked at his boyfriend replying "me too especially about being gay and everything I told you about my dad and how I grew up considering you were there with me too" sadly.

They fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey but his lip looking downwards blurting out "I just wish I knew, I would have helped you" softly. Mickey needed to know looking at Ian asking "Ian why the fuck didnt you call me when you came back or after what happened that night in New York, you know I would have come to you, I always fucking have" curiously. Ian sniffed before looking downwards replying "I dont know, I wanted to but I was ashamed, thought you hated me for leaving, thought if I didnt tell anyone I could tell myself it didnt happen and forget about it but I could never forgot about it" softly.

Ian felt Mickey kiss him softly on his forehead before replying "I never hated you Ian, just wished you would have of called me, next time youre in trouble will you fucking call me" firmly. Ian looked up and saw he meant it replying "yeah" softly. Mickey sighed putting his hand on the side of Ian's head as Ian looked at him blurting out "it wasnt your fault, the thing about abuse and any kind of it is that the person doing it to you has a way of making you feel ashamed, that if you tell someone no one will believe you, that no one will care, that they will think less of you for letting it happen, especially if your male and it happens to you, women already get enough of that, its worse for men, men get laughed at, just look at the way people laugh when they hear that a man was raped, women get all the sympathy and thats if they are believed but not men" sadly.

Mickey sighed knowing Ian right replying "see what you mean but its still shit" softly. Ian scoffed replying "I know" softly. Mickey softly smiled at Ian wondering how he deserved someone like Ian but wasnt going to question it so he just wrapped his arms around Ian. Ian hugged him back and Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's breathing in the familiar smell of Ian and found comfort in the warmth of his embrace.

Ian let his eyes close and got lost in his thoughts noticing he felt safe and it was something he knew he never felt before in his life. He didnt know why Mickey made him feel safe and less alone as a thought drifted through his mind in that now that he had Mickey, everything might just be that little bit easier, it might actually be okay. He might actually get through all this shit in his head and over the damage caused by everything that happened in the last few years.

For some reason Ian found that Mickey made him feel free and stronger than he ever did in his whole life. Mickey felt so angry for what happened to Ian and he didnt know how to deal with it and he wondered if anyone else in Ian's house knew what was going on at the time. But something told him they didnt since he knew Ian never told them what happened. Mickey was scared that Ian was going to push him away blurting out "are we still okay, we still together right" insecurely.

Ian softly laughed knowing he indirectly got his confirmation of Mickey being his boyfriend replying "course we are so we're good, I wouldnt have told you what I did if I didnt trust you or wanted to push you away" firmly. Ian moved closer to his boyfriend even though there was no space left between them adding "I never told anyone what I just told you even though I'm scared that you will leave" shyly. Mickey tightened his grip replying "I'm not leaving and you can trust me, I wont tell anyone" firmly.

Ian quietly let out a breath in relief but he knew Mickey felt it so asked "even if I go crazy again, bouncing off the walls and shit or cant get out of bed" in a broken voice. Mickey looked right at Ian hearing the insecurity in his voice replying "still not leaving" firmly. Ian softly laughed rolling his eyes replying "good" humoredly. A silence fell before Mickey out a sigh blurting out "just tell me if I go too far or want me to stop, I dont want to force you into anything you dont want to do" hesitantly.

Ian scoffed defensively replying "I'm not going to fucking break you know" icily. Mickey blinked and looked down not hiding the hurt on his face which made Ian feel like shit and he hated that he hurt Mickey when he was just trying to help replying "its fine, just dont treat me like I will break, I dont need that so just treat me like normal okay, I will tell you when its too much" firmly.

Mickey shook his head and looked up at Ian replying "I'm sorry" softly. Ian sighed replying "like I said, dont worry about it, might not be getting fucked anytime soon but we can do other things and I can still fuck you" hesitantly. Ian hated that he just admited that and he was sure Mickey would dump him now for that admission. It never happened as Mickey looked at him replying "its okay, I can wait and we've already done other things anyway" firmly.

Ian looked down biting his lip hesitantly blurting out in a self deprecating tone "I want to but I cant, its the flashbacks, they never go away and sex will be a trigger for them" in a broken voice. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck and when Ian looked at him he replied "Its fine, we can beat them together" firmly. Ian bitterly scoffed blurting out "just wish the shame would go away, would be a fucking start" icily. Mickey sadly sighed replying "it will take time" softly.

There was silence before Ian added "at the same time I dont mind because sometimes the meds fuck me up and I cant do anything" shyly. Mickey blurted out "you cant fuck" firmly. Ian laughed replying "yeah, its one of the side effect of the meds, dulls my mind and everything else although I havent tried with this new combination, just never saw the point really since the assault happened" sadly.

Mickey looked at Ian asking "you sound sad about that" curiously. Ian shrugged replying "doesnt matter now does it, sex was important to me before the disorder but it took it away like it did everything else" bitterly. Mickey wanted to tell Ian it would be okay but he had a feeling that Ian wouldnt listen to him and he didnt know what to say either. He knew whatever he did say that it wouldnt make a difference so he just remained silent as the conversation came to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one was depressing but there is no way it can be anything other than that after what Ian admitted to Mickey. It gets better from this chapter onwards.


	13. When the last remaining light is starting to flicker it seems the perfect to step into the future.

Mickey felt too warm and it didnt help he was buried under the sheets with Ian wrapped around him either as he slowly started to wake up realizing he was getting out of the hospital in a few hours. He felt giddy at the thought not that he would admit to it but he was starting to get sick of this place and everyone in it except Ian so he couldnt wait to leave.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with his hand wondering if Ian would even want to leave and he knew if Ian stayed then he would stay too because he didnt want to leave Ian behind. He also knew Ian was more stable now and his moods had evened out too since the new med adjustment started working which was good news for both of them especially Ian. He turned around facing Ian and hugged him back not caring that he was too warm because he just wanted to be beside Ian.

The movement woke Ian up who sleepily looked at his boyfriend mumbling "morning" softly. Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's letting his eyes close blurting out "getting out today" softly. Ian didnt say anything wondering how this day came about so fast, it didnt feel like six months had passed and it only felt like he signed on for another three months yesterday. Ian opened his eyes to look at Mickey who asked "you coming with me or staying, you know I'll stay if you want me to" curiously.

Ian swallowed the dry taste in his mouth as Mickey silently looked at him waiting for Ian to answer but he didnt know what to say. Ian didnt feel ready as he had been in a bubble for the last six months and he was afraid of leaving that bubble. Ian was afraid that bubble would burst if he left the safety of the hospital. He was stable and happy with his boyfriend which was why he freaking out that when they left here it would all go wrong.

But Ian knew he didnt want to be here anymore and he knew he was only here because he was afraid to live his life as a person who had bipolar disorder. He was afraid of other people judging him, he was afraid to see his family again and it scared him that they might be another trigger for him which he didnt want to happen. It didnt make him feel any better that his therapist had prepared him for all of this, she had helped him see that he was in charge of his own actions and no else could decide for him.

But it didnt stop the deep rooted fear that he would fail and that he would be another Monica, that he wasnt good enough for his family since they already wrote him off as another Monica. It didnt matter that his therapist and Mickey told him that he wasnt Monica because in his own mind he thought he was because they both were bipolar. It also didnt help when Mickey pointed out to him that Monica didnt want help or try to get better but Ian was fighting every day to remain stable and that was what mattered.

Ian softly bit his lip while looking at his boyfriend not able to stop himself from hesitantly blurting out "I'm scared to leave" shyly. Mickey opened his eyes asking "why" softly. Ian rolled his eyes hesitantly blurting out "that it will all go wrong, that my family will trigger me again, that I'm Monica and all that bullshit I told you about" sadly. Mickey gripped Ian tighter wishing he could rip those thoughts out of Ian's head telling him "it wont and if it does then we will deal with it and I'll fucking deal with your family, they wont trigger you because youre stronger now and youre not Monica, from what you told me about her you could never be like her because you work on not being like her" firmly.

Ian felt a little more confident as a small smile crept onto his face blurting out "good point, you'll help me right even though I've nowhere to go, I need you" softly. Mickey pushed against Ian with his body replying "you know I will and youre fucking staying with me, told you that, got somewhere for us to stay and all" firmly. Ian grinned but bit his lip before looking at his boyfriend "I know, just need to hear it sometimes" insecurely.

Mickey scoffed replying "I want you with me and I'll fucking tell you that as much as you need but you need to know that I fucking need you too" firmly. Ian softly chuckled at that biting his lip trying to stop himself from grinning before replying "okay, so we leave in a few hours" firmly hoping it wasnt back to Southside. Mickey almost grinned at the news he found out yesterday but he wanted to surprise Ian so he remained silent even though it was killing him not to say anything. They stayed in bed for another while until it was time to get up and get ready to finally leave the hospital.

 

* * *

 

 

When it was time to leave Mickey was waiting outside the front door of the hospital waiting for Ian who with his therapist arranging more sessions and a prescrption for his meds. Mickey tugged at the bag resting on his shoulder biting his lip anxiously as he looked around hoping his father wouldnt appear in front of him when he wasnt expecting it. It wasnt long before he was broken from his thoughts when he heard Ian blurt out "you ready" firmly.

Mickey stopped his anxious pacing to look at Ian who was stuffing his prescriptions and his monthly medications into his rucksack before closing it and putting it onto his shoulder. Mickey waited until Ian looked at him before blurting out "yeah lets get the fuck out of here" lightly. As they walked away Ian looked over his shoulder feeling lighter than he did when he first came and he had a feeling Mickey had something to do with that new feeling.

Ian looked at his boyfriend to see Mickey looking at him so Ian blurted out "yeah lets get the fuck out of here, cant wait to get home, well to your home" shyly. Mickey quickly squeezed Ian's hand in his before letting it drop as he looked at him replying "its your home too for as long as you want" firmly. Ian shook his head with a small smile feeling grateful that he met his boyfriend in the same hopsital he had resigned himself to being alone replying "then lets go home" softly.

Ian wasnt long noticing they werent going back to Southside looking around him knowing they were still in the Northside but the area looked familiar. As they walked down the street Ian didnt miss the way Mickey still held his hand and Ian knew something wasnt right looking over at Mickey asking "where are we going" curiously. Mickey softly laughed not missing the way Ian looked throughly confused so decided to put him out of his misery "was going to wait to tell you but I got us a small apartment just a few streets from here, its one bedroom because its all I can afford with my new job which is only around the corner on the edge of Boystown so its good" softly.

As they walked down the busy street in the afternoon Ian quickly stood in front of Mickey who nearly crashed into Ian resting his free hand on Ian's side to stop himself but still stumbled into Ian. Ian softly laughed looking at him asking "when did that happen" curiously. Mickey got back into a standing position not taking his hands off Ian feeling his face turn red but he didnt care replying blurting out "was going to wait until later to tell you but remember my therapist said she was helping me look for somewhere to stay so I didnt have to go back home" softly.

Ian scoffed slightly raising his eyebrow with a look of disbelief looking at his boyfriend replying "a Milkovich accepting help, its a cold day in hell" humoredly. Mickey almost smirked lightly punching Ian on the shoulder replying "fuck you asshole" lightly. Ian slightly laughed rubbing the spot on his shoulder stepping a little closer and ignoring the people rushing past them on the footpath asking "tell me more" lightly. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "managed to get a cheap apartment near the Northside and job to pay for it but its not near Terry's house so I dont give a shit where it is just once it isnt on the same street where that prick resides" firmly.

Ian's eyes widened replying "really, how did you pull that" curiously. Mickey shrugged replying "my therapist helped me, fuck knows why but she did, also worked with my parole officer since I need a job when I get out of here, got a job in some gay bar in the northside not far from the apartment actually" softly. Ian didnt hide his grin asking in a teasing tone "is there room for me in your apartment" humouredly.

Mickey rolled his eyes replying "course there fucking is, why do you think its one bedroom, its our fucking apartment" firmly not adding we're living together. Ian bit down on his lip to stop himself from grinning as he got the message behind the words replying "well lets go see it then" lightly. Mickey rolled his eyes slightly shaking his head grabbing the back of Ian's neck with his hand and lightly kissing him on the lips before replying "lets get out here" before pulling Ian along behind him as they made their way through the crowd towards their new apartment.

They walked down a few streets before going into a building and walked up the steps towards their new apartment and when they got into it and shut the door behind them Mickey blurted out as he looked around the worn run down lived in apartment "well it isnt a complete dump, no roaches and rats so its okay" fimrly. Ian looked around to see the kitchen on the left and then the living area which turned off into a small hallway with the bathroom on one side and their bedroom on the other side of the small hallway. Ian grinned at Mickey replying "better than nothing, I love it, I'd rather be here than back in Southside" softly.

Mickey nodded in agreement replying "same here but got to go back and get my clothes and shit" softly. Ian nodded looking down at the floor as Mickey walked around the apartment replying "yeah same here, think my family should be out of the house now" softly. Mickey looked over at him asking "you want to go now and get your stuff" curiously. Ian stuffed his hand in the pockets of his jeans still looking off the the side hesitantly replying "yeah get it over with" shyly.

Mickey noticed Ian hesitating and walked over to him grabbing Ian by the hips pulling him close to him asking "you sure, we can wait if you want" softly. Ian let himself be pulled closer to his boyfriend knowing he couldnt put it off looking at him blurting out "yeah its better if I do it now" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian and saw he was sinking back into his own thoughts so he grabbed the back of Ian's head with his hand lightly tugging on Ian's hair before pulling him in for a kiss as he ran his other hand from Ian's shoulder down to his lower back.

He felt Ian wrap his arms around him tightly pulling him closer so they stood right up against each other and Ian knew Mickey was distracting him from his own thoughts. Ian was glad of it but he knew he needed to do it now reluctantly stopping the kiss but not stepping back as he looked at Mickey almost whispering "dont start shit you cant finish" in a heated tone. Mickey smirked raising his eyebrow in a challenge pushing againt Ian replying "looks who's talking" humouredly.

Ian lightly kissed Mickey again before replying "I need to do it now before I change my mind" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian hating himself for starting something blurting out "yeah alright tough guy, lets go, we can finish this later" humoredly. Ian scoffed replying "we'll finish it alright" humoredly before lightly kissing his boyfriend again. The kiss grew heated as Ian pushed them back towards the sofa and when Mickey lay back on it Ian lay of top of him blurting out "actually I changed my mind, I want to finish it now, can we just make out for a while" softly.

Mickey couldnt look away from Ian's intense stare blurting out "yeah" knowing he could never say no to Ian especially having Ian lying on top of him the way he was right now. In that moment Mickey knew he was fucked for life when it came to the redhead but he knew he didnt care at all because he had Ian back and it was something he never thought would happen after Ian left town. They didnt leave the apartment for another hour too busy getting caught up in each other on the sofa in the privacy of their new apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

When they did get to Ian's house in the Southside it was nearly evening time and Ian hoped there was no one in the house as they walked down the street. Ian groaned blurting out grumpily "shouldnt have left it this late" in a whisper. Mickey scoffed looking over at his redhead shoving against him replying "youre the one who wanted to make out for hours on the sofa" humouredly.

Ian laughed running his hand through his hair in frustration knowing his boyfriend was right as he looked over at him not hiding the amusment in his eyes looking Mickey up and down appreciatingly replying "I know but I got distracted" softly. Mickey scoffed trying to hide his sllightly red face by looking at the ground retorting "fuck you" lightly knowing he was distracted too by Ian.

Ian didnt look away but lightly smiled replying "I intend to later, wanted to in the hospital but you know, felt weird to do it there" softly. Mickey shook his head looking at Ian replying "same here but yeah it would have been weird" softly. They got to the gate of the house and walked into it to find it empty so they made their way upstairs into Ian's room and Mickey sat on Ian's bed with his back against the wall as he silently watched Ian pack up the rest of his things like clothes into another bag he had under the bed.

Ian noticed Mickey's silence and when he finished packing he sat on the edge of the bed slightly turning to face his boyfriend asking "you okay" curiously. Mickey rubbed his lip with his thumb anxiously asking "I know you told me not to treat you like your going to break because you were raped but I just want you to know if you want to stop just say it" sincerely. Ian looked down biting on his lip thinking it was just like Mickey to think of shit like this before he looked up rubbing his hand on Mickey's thigh replying "dont worry about it, you could never force me into anything, I want to do everything with you and I mean it" firmly.

Mickey grabbed Ian's hand firmly looking at him as he shook his head replying "good, want to get out of here and over to my house" softly. Ian slightly shook his head replying "yeah before someone comes back" before they got up and left the house. As they walked over to the Milkovich house in silence Ian knew there was definately something he wanted to do with Mickey. Ian just hoped he would be able to go through it when the time was right but he knew that with Mickey he didnt have any reason to be scared because Mickey made him feel safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to stop the story here but then I had more ideas for it so ended up writing more chapters. Then I was going to do a sequel but decided against it and just do a continuation of the story after this chapter.


	14. And this is not the time or place for us to speak like this.

They made it to the Milkovich house without seeing anyone from Southside much to their relief. After Mickey packed up some clothes in a bag they decided to wait for Mandy to come home as Mickey thought it was only fair he told her he was out and he knew she would kill him for real if she never told him he was out of the hospital. Mickey wasnt sure how he felt about being back home now that he was sitting on the sofa in the house with Ian.

They were sitting right up against each other side by side as they drank some coffee and watched a movie. He kept fidgeting and glancing around like Terry would appear from the walls any second now to finally kill him once and for all. Ian noticed and rested his hand on Mickey's thigh slightly shaking it asking "you okay" curiously. Mickey shook himself from his thoughts and looked at Ian who was looking at him with a concerned expression as he replied "not really, bad memories you know, just waiting for shit to happen" softly.

Ian shook his head replying "it wont" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "Terry could get out early" not hiding the fear in his voice. Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's neck gently squeezing it looking at him asking "yeah but he doesnt know where we are staying, anyway dont you get notice of that" curiously. Mickey shrugged replying "yeah but it doesnt make it any easier" softly.

They fell into a silence as they went back to watching the movie but all Mickey could think about was what would happen now that they were back in south side even though they were just visiting. He didnt understand why Terry hated him so much, why did he look at him with nothing but hatred and disgust and it made Mickey wonder why he didnt just leave with Ian three years ago and why he ever came back to this house in the first place even it was only for some more clothes.

He started to think of what would happen if his father came home early and caught him and Ian together and Mickey felt his chest tighten as he struggled to breathe. All he could see in his mind was his father crashing into the house and killing Ian slowly before he turned on Mickey and killed him too and he knew his father well enough to know it would happen eventually.

Mickey glanced over at Ian thinking that Ian was too good for him, that maybe he should tell Ian to run very far away from him if he knew what was good for him and wanted to stay alive. But something told him that Ian wouldnt leave so easily, that Ian wouldnt leave him to deal with his father all alone and completely forget about him for good. Mickey was caught between not knowing what to do, should he just let Ian go or hold onto him for as long as he could because he was a Milkovich and didnt deserve good things like Ian.

Mickey grew tense and moved his hand to grab Ian's hand in his own trying to get some control over the panic attack and breathe properly and stop the intrusive thoughts that he hated so much. When he calmed down he silently looked over at Ian who was looking back at him before he blurted out "Ian if my dad catches us together he will literally kill me and then you, I'm not worth the risk" in a broken voice and expression.

Ian gripped his boyfriend's hand tighter as Mickey hardend his expression contining "I'm really not, youre too good for me, youre better off without me" in a shaky voice. Ian looked at him bringing his hand to rest on the back of Mickey's neck seeing through Mickey pushing him away replying "I'm not better off without you so dont say that, if anything its the other way around, I'm not leaving and you cant make me so stop trying to push me away, if it makes you feel better then I accept the risk, youre fucking worth it to me" firmly.

A tense silence fell as Mickey stared at Ian realizing that Ian wasnt leaving and he really didnt want to make Ian leave either. Instead he scoffed blurting out "its your fucking funeral" firmly. Ian slightly grinned replying "yeah it is" softly. Mickey slightly laughed "are you out of your fucking mind" humoredly. Ian laughed loving the way Mickey treated him so normally replying "debatable, depends who you ask" humoredly. Mickey rolled his eyes as he playfully punched Ian's shoulder before asking "your last chance if you want to leave" curiously.

Ian didnt hesitate replying "I dont want to leave, do you want to leave me, wouldnt blame you if you wanted to since I'm crazy and all" firmly. Mickey got the point replying "no and your not crazy, I've anxiety and anger issues and I'm not fucking crazy so enough of that shit, I dont want to leave, I want you to fucking stay, just dont feel safe in this shithole anymore since my dad knows I'm gay" firmly. Ian shrugged replying "we already live somewhere else so we'll be fine, I'm going to go see if I can get my old job back at the club" softly.

Mickey raised his eyebrow looking at Ian sceptically asking "you sure, wont that bring back memories and shit" curiously. Ian looked down letting out a tense sigh shaking his head blurting out "yeah probably but it might help me get over it and deal with what happened" softly. Mickey snapped "what the fuck Ian, why the fuck would you want to go back there to that" angrily. Ian looked up at him replying "the money is good and the meds are expensive and I was out of it on drugs when it happened, I'll be completely sober this time" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian blurting out "I just...I just fucking worry about you, I fucking love you asshole, dont want anything to happen to you" softly not adding what if he wasnt there to stop it if something did happen. Ian almost laughed but seeing the vulnerable expression on his boyfriend's face made him not laugh so he replied "I know but the money is good, I wont be able to afford the meds any other way" softly.

Mickey replied "could run some scams, a lot fucking safer" firmly. Ian licked his lips swallowing the dryness in his mouth replying "I know but I dont want you to end up in jail for me, I just like my independance, I've always worked and the bipolar already took everything away from me, I wont let it take my independance too, I need to work" hesitantly. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand before looking at Ian replying "okay point taken, but if any asshole touches you or looks at you, you fucking kill him" angrily.

Ian laughed replying "I will, in fact I'll call you and you can come down beat the shit out of him after I've roughed him up for you, you can finish the job" humoredly. Mickey laughed as he sat back on the sofa replying "youre a fucking asshole" humoredly not adding that he would do that for Ian. Ian rolled his eyes and got up to the bathroom and when he came back he saw Mickey lying on the sofa with an expression that clearly read that wasnt moving from the spot.

Ian sensed there was more to it but said nothing as he lay on top of his boyfriend and kissed him both of them forgetting about the movie and deciding they were too busy being wrapped up in each other to worry about anything else for now. They didnt know how much time had passed but Ian had moved and was taking comfort in being boxed in the sofa behind him and his boyfriend lying in front of him with not a care in the world with their arms wrapped around each other.

* * *

 

The front door slammed loudly as Mandy stormed into the house and Mickey couldnt stop himself from flinching at the noise as he quickly stood up from the sofa. Mickey looked around to see Mandy over by the front door and he visibily relaxed as he felt Ian stand beside him and looked over whispering "i'm sorry" softly. Ian shook his head replying "its okay, just Mandy" softly.

They were broken from their thoughts when they heard Mandy shout "when the fuck did you get back" as she walked over to them by the sofa. Mickey hesitated replying "a couple of hours ago" firmly. Mandy grunted before she walked over to Ian glaring at him before she hugged him blurting out "and when the fuck did you get back" before punching Ian hard on the shoulder. Ian grimaced rubbing the spot looking at Mandy replying "for a fucking girl you hit hard" firmly.

Mandy scoffed replying "I'm a fucking Milkovich, what do you expect" firmly. Ian laughed replying "true" softly. Mandy smirked at him before looking at Mickey blurting out "nice to have you back asshole" before quickly hugging her brother. Mickey pushed her off him replying "not nice to be back here though" lightly. Mandy ignored it looking over at Ian blurting out "when the fuck did you get back, thought you ran off with Monica and fuck you for making us worry after that phone call that night" firmly.

Ian looked ashamed looking at his feet replying "I'm sorry Mandy" softly. Mandy hugged him again before looking at him replying "its okay, I forgive you for it but I'm glad your fucking okay" firmly. Mickey looked between them blurting out "Ian was in the hospital when I got there, we've been there for the last six months" firmly. Ian looked up at Mandy blurting out "I got back a year ago, went to a different hospital for a few months to get stable, then went back home because I'm bipolar" softly.

They sat down on the sofa and Mandy sat in the chair across from them as Ian told Mandy about his bipolar diagnosis and how his family turned their back on him before he checked himself into another hospital for three months where he saw Mickey and stayed with him until Mickey finished his six months. Mandy was angry and it showed as she told Ian "well fuck them assholes, you dont need them, you have us okay" firmly. Ian looked at her softly smiling "thanks" shyly.

When Ian explained the phone call to her six months after he left and that Monica did a runner a few days later after selling his phone for drugs Mandy clenched her fists angrily spitting out "I'm going to kill that bitch when I see her" icily. Mickey scoffed replying "yeah me too" angrily. A silence fell before Mandy blurted out not hiding the hurt in her voice "cant believe you didnt tell me but I'm glad youre okay now Ian" softly.

Mickey didnt know what to say replying "it wasnt my place to tell you Mandy" softly. Mandy shook her head knowing that her brother didnt want to betray Ian's trust back in the hospital replying "fair enough" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Mandy looked at them curiously at the way they sat so close on the sofa and made the connection "you two together or something" lightly. Ian's eyes widened and his jaw slightly dropped as he looked over at Mickey not able to hide the slight panic on his expression.

Mickey froze feeling that cold feeling wash over him hating that Mandy figured it out hesitantly replying "yeah" as he looked at the ground. Mandy shrugged replying "about time" lightly. Mickey scoffed glaring at his sister "the fucks that supposed to mean" icily. Mandy rolled her eyes replying "oh come on, we both know you are and always did so dont lie to me" lightly. Mickey raised his middle finger at her in response replying "fine we're together but dont tell anyone and dont tell anyone that we're back" firmly.

Mandy laughed replying "good, I'm glad you are happy, both of you but Terry isnt here" firmly. Mickey looked at her replying "I know" softly not adding he was still afraid of Terry popping up out of the shadows at any minute. Mandy didnt notice her brother's uneasiness as she looked at Ian asking "you staying here" curiously. Mickey scoffed getting there first "he's staying with me but we arent staying here" firmly. Ian slightly laughed looking at Mandy adding "yeah Mickey said I could since I've nowhere else to go" softly. Mandy slightly shook her head asking "your family still being assholes, they know your back" icily.

Ian looked down at his feet replying "no they dont, I'm not welcome there so better off not going back there" softly. Mandy scoffed replying "well fuck them, you dont need that shit so stay here as long as you want, youre always welcome here" genuinely. Ian looked up at her not hiding the suprise from his face replying "thanks Mandy" shyly. Mickey snorted "yeah until Terry gets out which is why we arent staying here anymore" firmly.

Mandy laughed looking at her brother replying "was going to call you later to tell you the fucker is dead" looking way too pleased with that information. Mandy laughed even more at the looks of shock on Ian and her brother's faces adding "oh dont look so shocked, the fucker had it coming, Iggy is dealing with the whole mess right now" tiredly. Ian's jaw dropped hesitantly asking "what, how" curiously. Mickey snorted "how do you fucking think" icily.

Mandy rolled her eyes not hiding her happiness from her voice replying "fucker pissed off the wrong guy, was mouthing off a few days ago about gays being disgusting and being generally homophobic and racist as usual, well the right guy overheard him and stuck a shiv in his throat in the showers yesterday" dismissively. Ian laughed blurting out "fuck" humouredly.

Mandy shrugged and nearly laughed at the way they both looked so shocked adding "oh yeah forgot to mention the guy that killed him was built like a house, gay and a gang member of mixed race doing time for double murder so it was no skin off his nose to kill the bastard, I'd thank him myself but it would look a little weird since I dont know the guy" lightly. Mickey remained silent as Ian laughed some more blurting out "karma's a bitch right" humouredly.

Mandy rolled her eyes looking at her friend replying "fuck yeah" lightly. Mandy silently looked at her brother noticing he was on the verge of a freak out so she let out a sigh of relief looking at him telling him "we're fucking free of that asshole, he cant hurt us anymore" firmly. Mickey was broken from his trance blinking rapidly so his eyes would focus and looked at his sister replying "yeah" softly. Mickey was glad he was sitting down and relaxed back into the sofa taking a deep breath wanting to change the conversation from him asking "so where the fuck is Iggy" curiously.

Mandy scoffed replying "where do you think, preventing the fallout and cleaning up Terry's fucking messes like always, sooner we're free of his shit the fucking better" icily. Mickey didnt say anything so he just went to the kitchen and looked through the presses for a bottle of vodka and when he found it he took a long drink from it before putting the bottle down and wiping his mouth with his hand. He could hear that Ian and Mandy were talking to each other even though he had his back to them but he was too caught up in his thoughts of his father finding him and killing him when he finally came home.

Mickey didnt even want to come home but his court ordered sentence was up and Ian also wanted to leave so he had no reason to stay. Mickey had plans in place for when he left and now he didnt need those plans anymore and it freaked him out a lot since he was now living with his boyfriend and he couldnt hide under the pretence of it being because they had nowhere else to go. He was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian grab his shoulders asking "you okay" softly.

Ian knew there was no reason for them to live together now since Terry was dead and he was afraid to ask the question he didnt want to hear and answer to at all. Mickey bit his lip looking up at his boyfriend hesitantly replying "not really" softly. Ian saw the fear and panic in his boyfriend's eyes replying "he's gone and he cant hurt you, youre free" firmly. Mickey softly laughed knowing it was a good point and he actually did feel like a weight was lifted from him and he felt like he could breathe now that Terry was dead.

Mickey looked over Ian's shoulder to see Mandy was gone so he looked back at Ian blurting out before he could stop it "you still want to live with me even though Terry is dead" shyly. Ian grinned at him pulling Mickey in for a tight hug replying "of course I do" firmly. Mickey hugged Ian back wrapping his arms around his shoulders burying his face in Ian's neck breathing in the warm smell of Ian letting out a sigh of relief.

Mickey lightly tugged on Ian's hair silently looking at him before asking "you want to stay for a while or go home" softly. Ian looked downwards before looking up replying "stay for a while" softly both of them not noticing Mandy looking over at them from the sofa. Mandy looked away as they started to walk back over to the sofa and sat down where the three of the watched another movie in silence.


	15. Your death by information wont disturb the peace on distant stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just a continuation from the last chapter.

A few hours later Mandy and Mickey were sharing a bottle of whiskey as Mandy filled both of them in on what had happened around Southside over the last six months. Mickey didnt really care at all but he humoured his sister and he had a feeling the whiskey he was drinking was helping him cope with the whole situation. Mickey wasnt drunk despite the fact he hadnt a single drink in six months and when Mandy disappeared to her room for a few minutes Mickey wrapped his arm around Ian asking "you okay, you've been kind of quiet" softly.

Ian moved in closer to the touch replying "yeah" softly. In truth Ian had been thinking over the thing he wanted to ask Mickey and the more he thought about it the more he wanted to do it but he would wait until they got back home. Ian never got the chance to say anything else as Mandy walked past them throwing something at them before she sat back down into the armchair with her own bottle of vodka since Mickey was hogging the whiskey.

Ian looked at Mickey who was holding two joints in his hand asking "the fucks this for" lightly. Mandy rolled her eyes and raised her middle finger at him replying "getting out present for you both" smugly. Ian grinned as he looked over at Mickey to see he was grinning back at him so Ian looked at her "thanks Mandy, loved the last one too" humouredly as he briefly remembered that day at the hospital.

He felt Mickey softly nudge him with his shoulder and looked over at his boyfriend knowing that Mickey who was now smirking knowingly was thinking of the exact same day they got high among the trees at the hospital. Mandy grinned at her friend replying "I got that you did, both your faces lit up when you saw what I just threw at you so dont deny it" humouredly. A silence fell before Ian looked over at her blurting "sorry for avoiding you for so long, I know we were friends too" softly.

Mandy shrugged replying "its okay, I get it but just dont leave it so long next time" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "I wont but it wasnt you, I just thought you didnt need my shit, my own family hate me and think I'm a burden and I thought I was that to you and Mickey" softly. Mandy leaned forward replying "I dont think youre a burden and youre family are a bunch of assholes, you know I told them they are the reason you left when I heard them say you were just another Monica and would turn up whenever you felt like it in the bar one day, I nearly fucking killed them there and then although it was better letting them know I knew where you were even though I didnt but they didnt need to know that" smugly.

Mandy looked at Ian adding "also told them they were the reason you left and when they asked if I knew where you were I told them if you wanted them to know you would have called them by now" firmly. Mickey groaned rubbing his hand in his face despite the glee at Mandy saying what she did replying "no wonder they fucking hate us Mandy, that just made shit worse" lightly finding that he actually didnt care at all now.

Mandy shrugged replying "they already look down on us except Ian so why not give them a reason to, anyway Fiona and Lip are the last people to be judging anyone, you know that Fiona calls me Skankovich when its her that cant keep it in her fucking pants" icily. Ian snorted knowing it was the truth blurting out "they are fucking hypocrites and we all know it" disdainfully.

They all silently shook their head in agreement and remained silent until Mandy looked at her brother asking "so when do I get to see your place in the Northisde" curiously. Mickey looked at the ceiling resting his head against the back of the sofa replying "probably never since you wont fucking leave if I let you in" firmly. Mandy laughed replying "fuck you asshole, at least I wont have to listen to you two fuck all night" before laughing into her bottle of vodka and taking a drink from it.

Mickey and Ian just rolled their eyes before looking at each other knowing Mandy may have had a point as they shyly grinned knowingly at each other. Mickey took a drink from his bottle of whiskey before tilting it to Ian who looked at it and took it off his boyfriend taking a small drink from it and swallowed it down handing the bottle back to Mickey. Ian didnt know what it was about that moment but he felt normal, he felt accepted and he knew for certain that Mandy and Mickey didnt give a shit about his disorder so softly smiled to himself as Mandy and Mickey continued their conversation and sibling bickering.

Mandy slightly shook her head knowing she was probably on the way to being drunk but not giving a shit blurting out "so what do you do there all day, just fuck" pointedly. Ian snorted laughing as Mickey rolled his eyes replying "fuck you bitch, none of your fucking business" icily. Mandy laughed replying "come on, I know you smoked the weed I left the first time I saw you, as I said both your fucking faces lit up when I gave two of them earlier" lightly.

Ian looked over at her adding "true and thanks for it too" firmly. Mandy looked at her friend replying "no problem, its good shit too" firmly. Mickey ran a hand through hair knowing it was asking "Iggy get it" curiously. Mandy replied "yeah, dont know who his new supplier is but I know he isn't connected to Terry which is fucking good" softly. Mickey shook his head not one bit surprised at his brother replying "guess now that Terry is dead, Iggy got a new supplier, why did he anyway" curiously.

Mandy looked at him replying "Iggy made the change months ago since Iggy's supplier was connected to the supplier Terry was involved with and owed the debt to so Iggy ditched him and found a new one out of state that didnt know Terry at all and sells better shit too, Iggy didnt want anything to do with Terry anymore after that shit with him forcing you to repay his debt so he is and was cutting all ties with anything to do with Terry and starting out on his own, fair fucks to him I say" firmly.

Mickey slightly laughed replying "Iggy's not stupid as he looks but Terry would have killed him if he found out" firmly. A silence fell as Mandy looked down at her hands knowing it was true replying "well he didnt" firmly. Ian looked between them hesitantly asking "he wouldnt kill you all would he if he was still alive" not wanting to know the answer. Mandy looked at Ian shrugging her shoulder blurting out "me and Iggy sided with Mickey after Mickey went against him and wouldnt repay his debt by marrying that girl, he would see that as treason like we betrayed him and then taking Mickey's side over the gay thing on top of it, its two things he would be pissed about" softly.

Mickey scoffed adding "yeah you dont fucking backstab Terry Milkovich and live to tell the tale, he's connected to some bad people around here so of course he's killed before but we havent" softly. Ian sighed asking "what are we going to do if they come after us" curiously. Mandy shrugged replying "didnt think that far ahead, its why Iggy is cleaning up the mess, making sure it doesnt come back on us" softly.

Mickey bitterly laughed not believing it for a second interjecting "fucking hope so" icily. Mandy and Ian shook their head muttering their agreements as they moved on to talk about other things. As the evening wore on Mickey and Ian felt themselves relax more and more and Mickey didnt drink a lot since he wanted to be sober when they left the house to return to their apartment.

Mickey didnt trust the assholes around Southside to have a go at him after that night in the Alibi and he wanted to be ready if something happened on the way to their apartment. It was nearly dark when they heard Iggy storm into the house and slammed the door behind him and walked over to sit in one of the armchairs. When he saw Mandy and then noticed Ian and Mickey on the sofa he looked surprised asking "when the fuck did you both get back" curiously.

Ian didnt feel like talking so he reached for the bottle of whiskey in Mickey's hand and took it off him to take a drink from it feeling relieved when Mickey started to talk to his brother. Mickey gave him the short version of what he told Mandy and when Iggy found out Ian had bipolar he looked at Ian blurting out "no one gives a shit here, we all got our problems" lightly. Ian tightly smiled replying "good to know" feeling a sense of relief that he got the same reaction from Iggy that he did from Mickey and Mandy.

A silence fell before Iggy blurted out "well we're free of Terry and his shit, since he's dead his associates want nothing to do with us, they told me as long as we dont cross paths with them in the future we'll be fine" firmly. Mickey stared at him asking in disbelief "really, its that fucking easy" loudly. Iggy rolled his eyes lighting up a rolled joint replying "yeah it is, I told them we arent into the whole drugs, guns and trafficking shit and want nothing to do with it and that it was all Terry and they know how spiteful Terry is if you cross him so they said its fine just once we stay out of their business" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian whispering "what the fuck" softly. Ian softly smiled looking at his boyfriend softly replying "its good isnt it" in a whisper. Mickey shook his head looking over at his brother who continued "I'm quite happy to keep selling some drugs from my new supplier and running some scams on the down low like we always did and they know that, they knew the second they saw the three of us that we didnt want in that shit they were doing Mickey" firmly.

Mandy snorted interjecting "any idiot could fucking see that, I bet they didnt want anything to do with him either" bitterly. Iggy shrugged replying "they could fucking see it on us, they knew it was Terry running the show, they told me they were glad he was dead because the fucker nearly got them busted more than once with his arrogance, when they found out there was going to be a raid they set Terry up to take the fall for it and it worked, they wanted rid of him so they got fucking rid and I fucking thanked them for it" firmly.

Mickey actually laughed rubbing his face with his hand thinking life couldnt get much better as Iggy added "they done us a fucking favor and they dont know it" smugly. A silence fell before Mickey looked at his brother asking "what about the supplier that Terry told I would repay for him" softly. Iggy knew he meant when Terry tried to sell Mickey off to repay his debt replying "said that since Terry's dead its not on us just once we stay away from him, I told him that was fine" firmly.

Mickey sighed in relief glancing over at Ian who was looking at him with a soft smile. They were broken from their thoughts when Iggy added "good to see you back Ian" firmly. Ian looked over at him slightly shaking his head replying "its good to be back" softly. Iggy noticed how close they were sitting on the sofa replying "so you together now or some shit" teasingly with an amused smile on his face.

Mickey rolled his eyes remembering his promise to Ian of not being a secret snapping "if you really need to know then yeah we are but no one outside this house is to know" firmly. Mickey grabbed the joint Mandy gave him off the table and lit up and shared it with Ian when his brother quipped "no one gives a shit Mickey, they got their own shit to worry about so get the fuck over it" icily.

Mickey felt like saying to his brother that he didnt know how hard it was growing up gay in a household with a homophobic father who would literally kill you but instead muttered "fuck you asshole" softly. Iggy relaxed a little seeing Mickey's change in demeanour replying "look I havent gotten any shit off anyone so I dont think anyone cares your gay except you, they will probably be more bothered you live Northside now, think youre a traitor or some shit to us Southsiders" lightly.

Mickey raised his middle finger at his brother while smoking some of the joint replying "fuck those assholes" icily before handing it to Ian with a small smile on his face as he looked at his boyfriend. Ian softly laughed as he took the joint off Mickey and inhaled it as he relaxed back into the sofa. They talked some more and got high at the same time all of them feeling relaxed that Terry was gone for good.

* * *

 

A few hours later Mickey had enough and decided he wanted to go home so he stood up and grabbed his bag and threw the strap over his shoulder blurting out "I'm out, see you later losers" firmly. Ian' eyes widened as he wasnt expecting Mickey's sudden exit so grabbed his bag following Mickey to the front door. Mandy caught up with them and hugged her brother before looking at Ian and hugging him tightly feeling glad that Ian was back safe as she looked at him blurting out "it was nice to see you again Ian" firmly. Ian let her go shaking his head replying "it was good to see you too Mandy" firmly.

As Mickey opened the front door and stood outside Mandy looked between them blurting out "and dont forget to call me, a phone isnt that hard to use" humouredly as she turned and walked back into the living area. Ian laughed before walking outside and shutting the door behind him and they both walked out onto the street and made their way back to their apartment.

It was dark when they left the Milkovich house and Mickey glanced around and seeing it was quiet he put his arm around Ian's back resting his hand on Ian's hip and pulled him closer. Ian put his arm around Mickey's shoulders blurting out "I liked today, it was good seeing Mandy and Iggy" softly. Mickey looked up at Ian replying "yeah same here" softly. Ian quietly looked around noticing he was starving before asking "want to get some food before we go home" softly. Mickey shrugged "yeah why the fuck not" lightly. They made their way back to their apartment after getting some food and got moved in properly before going to bed as they were both exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much happens in this one as its just a filler chapter but it picks up again in the next one.


	16. This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a lighter chapter.

It was early morning when Ian woke up lying on his back with Mickey beside him with his back to him in their bed in the apartment they had been living for the last month. He got up to go to the toilet and take his meds with a bit of food before deciding to go back to bed as he had nowhere to be at all. Ian found it strange that they were living in their own apartment on the Northside and they both had legit jobs too.

Ian had managed to get his old job back at the Fairytale as bartender but he hated it more than he thought he would before he started working there again. There was too much bad memories so when a position opened up at the small gay bar Mickey worked at Ian applied for it and got the job and was much happier for it too. Ian just felt glad he was making his own money and able to pay for his own meds and rent and finally have some independence.

But he still had flashbacks and while they werent as intense as they were when he worked in the club and he figured the smaller crowd in the bar helped him not get so anxious. Although Ian did think that it was being around Mickey that mostly helped and his co-workers were nice too which also helped him relax at work. Ian had only been at his job for two weeks and while he liked it and it was a quiet place, it still bought up some unwanted memories from time to time but he was able to handle it as time passed.

Things had been good since they left the hospital and Ian couldnt help wonder when it would all come crashing down around him too. He hadnt seen his family since the day he walked out and checked himself into the hospital. He and had only been back in Southside a few times since they moved into their apartment and they mostly invited Mandy and Iggy to the apartment since they were both avoiding Southside and its bad memories.

Ian absently stared at a spider slowly making its way across the white ceiling and just watched as it dangled for a few seconds in the air, weightless on a strand of its own web. Ian let out a quiet sigh sometimes feeling like he was just floating in the air and completely weightless only he had nothing to pull him back down to earth and hadnt in a long time.

Ian couldnt help think over the last few years which were full of bad choices and decisions along with nothing but regrets and he didnt know if they would ever fade from his mind. Some memories were fuzzy due to him being manic or depressed at the time but the ones he could remember before his second stay in hospital he wished he could permantly erase from his mind.

He wished he never left that night all those years ago he told Mickey he was leaving with Monica for a while even though at the time Mickey did tell him it was a bad idea. Even worse was that now he was happy he was afraid Monica would show up again to destroy everything in his life with her words. Ian really hated that she had a knack for showing up to ruin everything just when he was happy. He really hated this sick strange feeling he had been having for the last few days that she was going to turn up one of these days or nights.

At first he thought it was the meds but he got them checked and his therapist and doctor agreed the meds were fine and that he was just stressing himself out. Mickey agreed with them and since he knew Ian too well he just told him he was worrying about shit that hadnt happened yet and to quit worrying over nothing. But Ian couldnt, he knew Monica too well and he never could switch off his brain from overthinking and stressing him out. Ian didnt know what he was so afraid of if Monica returned.

The question spun around in his mind, was he was afraid she would undo his stability and undo all his hard work over the last six or seven months. Was he also afraid that she would poison his mind again with doubting thoughts about Mickey. That she would tell him the poisonous lies she told him years ago. Her lies that Mickey would never love him because he was bipolar, that he was a burden on Mickey and Mickey would end up hating him for it and that he wouldnt be able to understand or handle Ian's disorder.

She also told him that Mickey would get him locked up and Fiona and Lip would make sure he stayed locked up forever because they wouldnt want to deal with Ian. It was all of these things she said that were the reason he held off coming back home for so long and it was only through therapy he saw her lies for what they were and the damage they caused him over the years. But there was still that insecure part of him that wondered if it was all true.

Even though he had already told all of this to Mickey in their quiet moments in bed before falling asleep that feeling was still there when it came to Monica. It didnt matter to Ian that Mickey told him that what Monica said was all bullshit and that he could never hate Ian and he would never be a burden. Mickey also told him that Fiona and Lip would have to get past him, Mandy and Iggy before they could get Ian locked up for good.

It didnt matter that Mickey told Ian that if anything it just made him love him even more and want to protect him and that he never wanted to be without Ian ever again because the three years away from each other was enough for him to know he could never be without Ian ever again. Mickey also told him he didnt care how lame all of that sounded because it was the truth and he knew Ian needed to hear it that night when they talked about all of those things.

Even though Ian knew himself much better now and had control over his disorder and was stable for the best part of a year he knew how easily he could lose it all again and it scared him and he hated it too. But none of this mattered at all because Ian knew that Monica had too much power over him and it scared him a lot more than he cared to admit. Ian didnt know how to deal with it if Monica showed up again to turn his life upside down and try to talk him into running off with her again on another adventure.

The more he thought about it the more he thought Mickey was right in what he said about Monica in one of their therapy sessions. Ian had asked Mickey to sit in on some of the sessions and Mickey agreed as he wanted to learn more about Ian's disorder and to understand his thought process a little better and to also support Ian in what he needed.

In one of the sessions they had been trying to pinpoint the start of Ian's disorder in the weeks before he left town and talking about the day Ian left and Mickey mentioned to Ian how he noticed his mood had been slowly changing over time up until the day he left town. Mickey pointed out that Ian wanting to leave was a split second decision that was made when Monica showed up and pleaded Ian into leaving town. Mickey reminded Ian that Monica guilt tripped him, told him she wanted to know him better, that she only came back for him and that he didnt love her because he wouldnt go with her on her latest adventure.

It took time but Mickey and his therapist helped him see that Monica was manipulating him, using his own insecurites against him and playing on his weakness in that he always felt close to Monica. Ian hated that realization but now that he had a clearer head he could see the patterns. He could see that anytime he tried to leave over the years that she would always use some weakness against him to pull him right back into her web.

Ian decided if she did come back then he would tell her to leave and he didnt want to see her anymore but there was that fear that he would never be strong enough to stand up to her and tell her no he wasnt going anywhere with her anymore. Ian knew he would give into her demands and pleas and manipulations all because he didnt have anything to hold him down and keep him grounded. Ian felt he was weak and led so easily and he hated it, it made him wish he could be strong like his boyfriend but he knew that Mickey sometimes felt weak too.

Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey turn around and throw his arm over his waist and pull himself closer to Ian by lying half on top of him with his leg resting between Ian's legs. Ian felt his boyfriend glue himself to his side and bury his face in his neck letting out a sleepy sigh and going back to sleep. Ian lightly gripped Mickey's arm under the covers and felt the weight of his boyfriend half lying on him push him deeper into the matress and Ian felt like he could relax and breathe normally again.

As Ian looked at the spider he saw that it had pulled itself back onto the celing and he let out a soft laugh realizing Mickey was the thing pulling him back down to the ground. Ian bit his lip to stop from grinning when he heard a sleepy voice croak "whats so fucking funny" softly. Ian glanced at his boyfriend before staring at the spider again replying "not a thing" softly. Mickey groaned pulling himself even closer so he was nearly completely on top of Ian blurting out "time is it" softly.

Ian slightly moved to the side wrapping his arms around Mickey and hugging him tightly looking over his shoulder at the clock on the small table beside the bed on the other side of the room replying "half nine" softly. Mickey grunted "still early and its Saturday" softly. Ian knew Mickey would never ask about the meds and he was grateful for it replying "had to take my meds, got to keep a scheule" tightly.

Mickey lifted his head to blearily look at Ian silently before tiredly replying "just because you have to keep a schedule doesnt mean you cant have a fucking lie in" not as threatening or sarcastic as he would have liked it to sound. Ian laughed at the normality of it looking at him replying "fuck you asshole" lightly. Mickey scoffed replying "you did last night so whatever" before lying his head back down on the pillow and burying his face in Ian's neck and moving his hand from Ian's waist to under his shoulder.

A comfortable silence fell before Ian blurted out before he could stop it in a scared voice "I'm scared Monica is going come back, I can feel it, I just know she will turn up right when I'm happy and I wont know what to do, what if I run off with her again because you know how she plays on my weaknesses" softly. Mickey woke right up at the mention of Monica thinking there goes his morning of lying in bed glued to Ian for half the day or most of it and then have sex before he had to go to work at the bar that night.

Mickey let out a sigh knowing he said all of this before but he knew how insecure Ian got over Monica. Mickey didnt move his head or open his eyes but instead tightened his grip on Ian and pulling himself closer even though he was still mostly on top of Ian and no space between them replying "if she does come back then we'll tell her to fuck off, you dont need her approval or validaiton, she doesnt give a shit about you and she proved that the night you called me and then she left you in a crackhouse somewhere to die and sold your phone so you couldnt get any help before fucking off and leaving you alone, the bitch left you to die and I'll fucking kill her for it if she ever shows up" angrily.

Ian felt warm at the protective words coming from his boyfriend and he felt less alone in having to deal with Monica if she ever came back. Mickey leaned up to look at Ian looking more awake and blaming it on the tiredness not able to stop himself adding "she doesnt have control over you anymore, you know what she is like, you know what you want and you dont want her bullshit either, youre fucking staying here with me and thats it, I'm not letting her take you away from me again so get that into your fucking head alright, and if it comes to it I'll get Iggy and Mandy down here with some fucking guns and we'll run her out of town for fucking good" icily.

Ian looked at Mickey biting his lip to stop from grinning replying "okay I believe you" softly. Mickey silently looked over Ian's expression and when he was sure Ian believed him he sighed "good" before lying back down on the pillow burying his face in Ian's neck and breathing in the familiar comforting smell he loved so much that was Ian. Ian looked at the celing again and noticed the spider was now firmly back on the celing and had crawled over to the other side of the room and Ian knew he would be okay because he had his lifeline, he had Mickey.

Ian felt Mickey's hair tickle his neck and hugged him tighter letting himself break into a grin before he heard "and stop fucking smiling asshole" tiredly. Ian swallowed the dryness in his mouth replying "I'm not" innocently. Mickey didnt buy it lightly kicking Ian's legs with his own before resting his leg between Ian's replying "sure youre not" softly. Ian laughed turning fully on his side wrapping his arms around his boyfriend pulling them right up against each other replying "and so what if I was" lightly.

Mickey opened one eye to look at him replying "its not normal for this early in the morning" dismissively. Ian rolled his eyes replying "for you maybe" lightly. Mickey slightly laughed opening both eyes to look at Ian replying "youre an idiot" lightly. Ian shrugged his shoulder knowing it was true but he didnt care either replying "whatever" softly.

Mickey pulled Ian closer rubbing his hand up and down Ian's back blurting out before he could stop it "but youre my idiot and dont let anyone especially Monica tell you any fucking different" firmly. Ian slightly nodded looking downwards feeling like he actually believed it replying "I wont" firmly. Mickey bit his lip before replying "good" firmly. They both fell into a comfortable silence as they lay wrapped up in each other and then fell asleep for another few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there wasn't much dialogue in this but just a lot of Ian's internal thoughts. I also wanted to explore how he feels about Monica a little more especially after she abandoned him again after he left with her too.


	17. Turn it up I never want to go home I only want to be a part of your breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ian face their fears and the place they have been running from.

Ever since Ian's admission of being scared that Monica would come back into their lives to screw everything up Mickey had felt a slight unease in his stomach. He realized it was also his own fear too but he never admitted to himself of having that fear until Ian brought it up in conversation. As he thought over what he told Ian that morning as they lay in bed wrapped up in their own bubble he realized he needed to stop worrying about stuff that hadnt happened yet.

He needed to take his own advice but he was finding it hard to take it since Ian had voiced those fears out loud. At first he was annoyed that Ian said what he did but then realized he was only annoyed because he had those same fears too except Ian had made them real by voicing them out loud so he wasnt mad at Ian anymore. But he also knew he couldnt remain mad at Ian for very long which pissed him off most of the time and the rest of the time he just didnt care at all.

It had been weeks since that conversation and Mickey was just done with everything that happened in the past especially concerning Monica and since his worst nightmare Terry was dead. Mickey didnt know why he felt so protective over Ian since he came back home but he thought it might have something to do with the fact that he wasnt there when Ian needed someone when Monica abandoned him and left him in a crackhouse.

He also thought it might have something to do with the fact that Ian told him he had been raped one night when he was manic and Mickey wasnt there to help him when he was in trouble. Mickey really hated himself for not being there for Ian, he knew if he stopped Ian from leaving it never would have happened but then Ian would have hated him and Mickey couldnt deal with that either or Ian hating him for good.

Even though he knew Ian just wanted to be treated normally Mickey still found it hard not to be protective over his boyfriend but he knew Ian could look after himself. Mickey really hated that the rape messed Ian up even though he knew it wasnt Ian's fault so he just blamed Monica for it instead because she was a real person who he could blame for causing Ian so much pain and anguish.

He would never know who Ian's attacker was so it was just easier to blame Monica because if she never got her claws into Ian all those years ago then he never would have left town and all the things that happened never would have happened. Mickey didnt say any of this to Ian because he didnt want to dump his own thoughts over everything on his boyfriend when Ian was still struggling with everything.

He knew Ian was struggling with the rape even though he never said anything but Mickey knew Ian and his tells too well and when it got too much for Ian physically and sexually. Since they got together it had always been Ian taking things the furthest and Mickey had no problem with that but he could tell Ian was still reluctant when it came to some of the things they used to do before Ian left.

He really wanted to talk to Ian about it but he just didnt know how to start that conversation at all so decided to leave it up to Ian to take it further. Mickey didnt know why he agreed to this stupid idea his therapist had of confronting his past and facing his fears because he couldnt spend the rest of his life running and looking over his shoulder. Mickey didnt really care if he spent the rest of his life doing just that because he knew what sort of a person Terry was and he had seen it himself over the years.

Mickey knew Terry would have no problem or hesitation in killing him and Ian if Terry returned to the Milkovich house and Mickey was still living in it. So Mickey got the hell out of there because he knew what was waiting for him and that there was a good chance Terry could get out early without him knowing about it before he could grab Ian and get out of there for good. It was the main reason why Mickey left south side for good and he never had any intention of going back and it didnt matter if Terry was still in jail.

Mickey knew Terry would get out eventually and then he would be on the top of Terry's hit list and Mickey wasnt hanging around for that when it happened because strangely enough he actually quite liked being alive now that Ian was back in his life. And even though Mickey knew Terry was dead he still had that fear of his father could still get to him by getting one of his associates to put a hit on him before Terry got killed.

Mickey's thoughts went straight to Ian and he realized he was pissed off with Ian too for agreeing with the therapist but something also told him that it was probably something Ian needed to do for himself so he agreed to going back to the place he ran away from for good. In Mickey's own opinion the only good thing to ever come out of Southside was Ian because Ian was good and Mickey just felt like trash most of time despite what Ian told him otherwise.

Mickey was waiting at the train station for Ian to make their way back to Southside as he smoked a cigarette on the platform with an angry glare on his face. He didnt give a shit that people gave him a wide berth, in fact he welcomed it because it meant he felt less claustrophobic in the busy crowd. Mickey just felt himself grow more anxious and angrier by the second and was tempted to get the hell out of there and tell Ian it just wasnt happening today.

Mickey stubbed out the cigarette on the ground with his foot when he heard "sorry I'm late" lightly. He bit his lip thinking there was running away gone out the window as he looked up to see Ian standing in front of him replying "about fucking time, this was your fucking idea wasnt it" harshly. Ian ignored it rolling his eyes replying "come on its only for a few hours, we both have shit we need to face" firmly.

Mickey grumbled knowing Ian had a point retorting "doesnt mean I have to fucking like it" icily. Ian shook his head stuffing his hands in his pockets looking at the ground knowing why Mickey didnt want to go back there hesitantly replying "I know why you dont want to go back but we can go back home if you want, we dont have to go and you can just tell your therapist you did and I'll say you did even though you didnt" softly.

Mickey scoffed glaring at his boyfriend hating that Ian always seemed to know when he was uncomfortable defensively replying "fuck no, not wimping out like some bitch" angrily not adding that his therapist was good at seeing when he was lying which really pissed him off. Ian looked at him slightly raising his eyebrow not hiding the hurt on his face replying "never said you were" softly.

They heard the train slow down and stop in the background as Mickey silently looked at Ian before letting out a sigh feeling the anger and anxiety deflate out of him at Ian's expression replying "look the train's here, lets just fucking go get this shit over with" icily before walking through the doors and onto the train. Ian nodded as he followed his boyfriend thinking this was going to be a long afternoon and he didnt have a good feeling about the whole thing considering Mickey's mood.

They remained silent on the train as they stood closely together near the doors holding onto the pole and Mickey stared out the window hating himself for snapping at Ian when it wasnt his fault. Mickey wasnt angry at Ian, he was angry at his therapist because she was pushing this whole thing for weeks, telling him he had no reason to not go back home since Terry was dead.

Mickey didnt really know how Mandy and Iggy felt about him leaving the house but he had a feeling they didnt care since they never said a word to him about it. But Mickey didnt really have it in him to exlain why he very rarely went back to the Milkovich house and he was glad that both Mandy and Iggy never asked him why he never went back anymore. Mickey bit his lip before rubbing his face with his hand and then resting it on top of Ian's hand on the pole.

Ian felt it and looked up at Mickey who just blurted out "I'm sorry for snapping at you" softly. Ian slightly shook his head replying "its okay, I get it" softly. Mickey stood a little closer to the pole nervously glancing around for homophobic assholes and when he didnt see any sign of trouble he used his other hand to pull Ian a bit closer to him by grabbing his coat.

Ian stepped a little closer as Mickey lowly spoke "its not okay, I dont want to be fighting with you, my therapist just keeps pushing me all the time to go back and I just dont get why she suggested the Alibi of all fucking places, Mandy and Iggy dont give a shit that I never go back because they hate the place as much as I do" softly. Ian softly laughed standing right up against the pole replying "I do too" humouredly.

Mickey used the fact that Ian's coat was open to stand a little closer to the pole and use the coat as cover to rest his hand on Ian's hip lowly replying "she just doenst get it and it doesnt matter how much I tell her or explain it, you know what the place does to me especially since they probably know I'm gay which means they probably want to kill me" softly. Ian looked at him intensely before replying "I wont let them" firmly.

Mickey bit his lip to stop himself from smiling but a soft laugh escaped at Ian's words as he looked at the redhead replying "I know" softly. Ian looked around to see they were still unnoticed by the people in the half empty train before he looked at Mickey replying "we'll go for one drink and get the hell out there, and if anyone asks I'll pretend I got a phone call and that we got called into work early or something" firmly.

Mickey bit his lip anxiously before whispering "sounds like a plan but what if it kicks off before we get that far" softly. Ian used the train jolting at the stop to move a little closer without it being obvious replying "then we fight like hell and get the fuck out of there" humoredly. Mickey tried to glare at Ian but ended up laughing replying "that's your fucking answer for everything isnt it" lightly. Ian shrugged replying "south side way right" lightly. Mickey nodded in agreement replying "fucking right it is" before laughing. They looked at each other silently for the rest of the train ride until it was their stop and they got off the train and out onto the street.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian was standing across the street from the Alibi with his hands in the pockets of his coat knowing Mickey was just as tense beside him as he smoked a cigarette anxiously. Ian changed his mind, he didnt want to be here and didnt know where this stupid idea came from, oh wait it was Mickey's stupid therapist and her stupid ideas that landed him here where he didnt want to be any second longer.

It didnt help that it was cold and wet and nearing the winter time and all he wanted to do was be at home in bed with his boyfriend until they had to go to work but it was too late now. Ian looked down at his feet wondering what was awaiting him inside that building and he couldnt get rid of the feeling that something bad was going to happen the second he stepped through those doors.

He was dreading coming face to face with his family after walking out on them over six months ago with no word of where he was going but he knew that to them he did a Monica and left them again. Ian really hated that he let things get this bad but he also knew his family played their part in it too and he decided he would tell them that if they were inside the bar. He would tell them he left because he couldnt stand the kid gloves treatment from them and the way they looked at him like he was about to lose his shit again and run off like Monica.

He wished he could just go back to his old house and say what was on his mind but he knew he never could and would never be able to because they would just put it down to his disorder. Ian hated that his family blamed his every thought and feeling on his disorder and he didnt know how to make them see that he wasnt his disorder. That he was a real person with real feelings and that his disorder in no way defined him or how he felt about things. That just because he got excited or angry or sad and upset it didnt mean he was manic or depressed.

That he still had normal feelings and emotions as well as not being made of stone. Ian let out a tense sigh wishing he never went along with this stupid idea from Mickey's therapist but at the time he thought it was a good idea. But now that he was here in front of the Alibi he realized that Mickey was right when he said it was nothing but a bad idea coming back to this place they both so desperately wanted to leave behind. Ian stuffed his hands deeper into his pockets clenching his fists feeling the anger and anxiety build in him along with the instinct to run and he hated that instinct because it felt too much like Monica.

Monica's instinct was to run and Ian hated that he inherited the same trait along with the bipolar disorder and he briefly thought it was no wonder his family always compared him to Monica. And they always said he was the one out of them all that was the most like Monica. Ian hated running now, he wanted to be able to fight and prove them wrong but he didnt know how to do something that came so naturally to him like running away from his problems.

Pretending they didnt exist and that they would go away if he ignored those problems or ran away from them but he realized it was the running away that got him into this whole mess in the first place. Running away took him away from Mickey, it left him alone and abandoned in a crackhouse in the middle of nowhere, it let his disorder run wild for years and he ended up being raped before coming home where his family turned their back on him because he did a Monica. Ian hated that if he hadnt ran away when he did none of it would have ever happened, he would have been home with Mickey, his family and the bipolar probably never would have happened although he knew the disorder showing up would have happened sooner or later.

But at least the things that happened over the three years he was away never would have happened if he never left in the first place. Ian just regretted leaving and he wished he had of listened to Mickey that day in the dugouts when he said something was off with him but as usual Ian did the one thing that came naturally and ran away. But he was tired of running, it got him nowhere and he knew he needed to face his fears which is probably why he went along with this idea of facing his fears.

But now that he was here he wasnt so sure he was strong enough to go through with it so he looked over at Mickey who was glaring at the Alibi like it did something to offend him and Ian knew he would be okay. Ian stood up a little straighter pushing his shoulders back feeding off some of the energy that was radiating from his boyfriend. Mickey sensed Ian was looking at him and looked over at him blurting "lets get this shit over with" icily.

Ian shook his head wishing he felt as strong as Mickey looked but he didnt know that Mickey didnt feel strong on the inside. Mickey noticed that Ian looked like he was caught between running and fighting and the wanting to run look on Ian's face was pretty much how Mickey felt on the inside. Mickey almost laughed at the situation, Ian looked like he wanted to run away but was stubbornly staying on the spot while Mickey looked like he wanted to fight but inside he really just wanted to run away.

It was definately opposites day which Mickey found funny and he couldnt stop himself from laughing at the situation. Ian looked at him not hiding his confusion asking "the fucks so funny" curiously. Mickey let out a tense sigh looking at Ian stepping a little closer replying "you look like how I feel, I want to run and you dont" lightly. Ian shook his head looking at the ground replying "you want to run for a change and I dont, guess your right, am I that obvious" softly.

Mickey looked over at Ian replying "just to me" not adding because I know you too well and I know what you arent saying and he knew it was the same for Ian about him too. They fell into an easy silence as Ian softly smiled at Mickey's words and he didnt say it but instead he looked up at his boyfriend replying "kind of tired of running, been doing it since I left three years ago" softly.

Mickey glanced around making sure there was no one around before grabbing Ian's hand blurting out "come on, lets get in there and then get back home before I change my mind and want to leave" firmly Ian shook his head in agreement deciding he was done running before they crossed the street and went into the bar.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was the first to walk in the door noticing the place was nearly empty apart from a regulars sitting at the bar. Ian followed him noticing Fiona was sitting at one of the tables talking to Veronica. When the door closed loudly behind them they heard a voice boom "Mickey Milkovich, never thought you'd show your face here again and with Ian too" loudly.

It was enough to make Fiona and Vee turn around to look at them in silent shock and Ian hated that he was put under that scrutiny. Mickey ignored the two girls sitting at the table and walked over to bar retorting "shut the fuck up Kev, its a public fucking space" loudly. Mickey sat on one of the stools as Kev handed him a beer asking "so where the fuck where you, thought Terry killed your ass although it looks like someone killed him for you, I'd say I'm sorry but I'm not" lightly to which Mickey slightly laughed knowing he felt the same way.

Ian sat beside Mickey asking for a non alcoholic beer and Kev got it for him before asking "you back for good this time" curiously. Ian looked at him replying "yeah" not adding think so mainly because he felt uncomfortable in the bar as he felt Fiona stare holes in his back. Mickey glanced around nervously noticing the stares he was getting from some the regulars before spitting out "the fuck you looking at" angrily in a threatening manner.

The people staring at him quickly looked away so Mickey muttered "fucking thought so" icily. Mickey looked at his beer when Kev told him "no one gives a shit who you bang althought I got to say it was ballsy saying that to Terry in front of his fucking face, major respect for that from me" firmly. Ian softly laughed as Mickey grumbled "yeah whatever" dismissively before taking a drink of his beer. Kev asked "so where the fuck where you, prison" as he wiped down the bar top.

Mickey scoffed glancing at Ian before mumbling "no, was around" evasively. Kev went to ask another question but was interrupted by Vee who was now standing beside him spitting out "shut the fuck up Kev, he doesnt want to tell you and its none of our fucking business" firmly. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand feeling the tension and anxiety start to deflate as Vee blurted out "no one gives a shit Mickey, youre welcome here" before looking over the room shouting "and if anyone has a fucking problem then they can leave, we dont want them here" firmly.

Mickey looked over his shoulder noticing people just ignored her and went back to drinking their drinks and their conversations and Mickey was suprised no one gave shit at all. It made him think Terry really did a number on him growing up in the Milkovich house but seeing people not give a shit made him relax some more, it made those chains from the closet completely disintegrate and Mickey felt a little more free.

Mickey looked up at her not sure why he felt so uncomfortable at being accepted for being gay hesitantly replying "okay" softly. Vee looked at him adding "althought got to say I'm glad Terry got what was coming to him, its nice not having his shit around here scaring off customers" icily. Mickey laughed letting out a tense sigh looking at her blurting out before he could stop it "you and me both and I think everyone else too" lightly.

Vee looked over at Ian "nice to see you stranger, you doing okay with the bipolar" firmly. Ian shook his head knowing Fiona told her since they were best friends replying "good to see you too and yeah I'm okay with it, stable now for nearly a year" softly. Vee shook her head replying "good" firmly before walking away to serve a customer. Ian glanced behind him to see Fiona looking over at him and he rolled his eyes as he took a drink from his glass of beer.

Ian didnt get why Fiona was so afraid of him and something told he needed to talk to her, he had been holding to much stuff in that he never told her since he had come back home. Ian was broken from his thoughts when Mickey softly elbowed him on the arm asking "you going to talk you her" curiously. Ian shrugged looking over at Mickey hesitantly replying "if I do will you come with me" shyly knowing he wasnt able to do face her on his own.

Mickey shook his head replying "yeah you know I will" not adding you came here with me so I'll go with you whenever you want. They didnt have to wait too long since Fiona made her way over standing behind them hesitantly asking "Ian can we talk" softly. Ian looked at her before shaking his head and replying "yeah okay" figuring it was better to get it over with now.

Fiona sat in the seat beside Ian glancing at Mickey like he was intruding but Ian blurted out "you can say what you have to say in front of him" not adding I'll only tell him later. Fiona bit her lip shaking her head blurting out "so how you been" softly. Ian almost scoffed replying "fine, stable now so its good" firmly. Fiona looked happy asking "really, that's great, I'm happy for you" firmly.

Ian shook his head bitterly replying "you sure about that considering you all thought I was just like Monica and dont lie, I know you all did from the way you treated me before I left six months ago" icily. Fiona looked hurt hesitantly replying "I'm sorry Ian, I fucked up I know that but you left us just like Monica did" not hiding the hurt in her voice. Ian tensed up feeling angry but deflated when he felt Mickey's hand rest on his side as he replied "I know I fucked up but I'm not Monica" softly wishing Fiona would get that into her head.

Fiona tugged at her hair feeling frustrated that what she was trying to say was coming out all wrong. All she wanted was to explain to Ian why she fucked up but it wasnt coming out the way she had it sorted out in her head. And it was even worse because Ian looked completely closed off from her and she hated it, she hated that she was the reason he left in the first place all because she didnt know how to deal with her little brother being bipolar.

She could sense Ian was about to walk away from her so she blurted out "then explain it to me because everything I say seems to be the wrong fucking thing" firmly. Mickey scoffed glaring at her retorting "calling him Monica doesnt help when he isnt Monica" angrily. Ian looked over at him resting his hand on Mickey's arm whispering "hey its okay" softly. Mickey looked at him and held up his hands in surender and backed down by drinking his glass of beer deciding he would say no more knowing Ian could handle it.

Ian looked back Fiona replying "the first time I left wasnt because of Monica, it was because I wanted to and I didnt know I was bipolar until I came back and tried to get stable but you have to admit you and Lip treated me like I was another Monica" firmly. Fiona had the decency to look guilty because she knew it was the truth replying "and I'm sorry for that, I didnt handle it well and I know that and I'm sorry for making you feel that way" firmly.

Ian slightly shook his head letting her words sink in before replying "I'm not our mother and I dont need you treating me like I am, I'm stable now and I plan to stay that way, just because I get mad or upset doesnt mean it has to do with my disorder, I'm not made of stone, I have real feelings and I cant deal with you treating my like I am my disorder, its why I left, I dont need that shit, I dont need to be treated like I'm going to break" firmly.

Fiona felt hurt as she shook her head looking at her brother replying "okay I get it" softly. Ian silently looked at her blurting out "do you really, you and Lip were the reason I left after I came back, I know you all hate me and dont want me around" firmly. Fiona shook her head feeling hurt at those words replying "I know we hurt you but I dont hate you Ian, I was just scared didnt know how to deal with it and I'm sorry for making you feel that way" firmly.

Ian didnt really believe it and he wasnt sure if he wanted to replying "too late now" softly. Fiona shook her head figuring she deserved that one hesitantly asking "you think you will come back and live with us now and we can start over" not adding she missed her little brother. Ian looked down at his hands resting on the bartop replying "no, my life is with Mickey now" firmly not adding he's the one I need and doesnt treat me like I'm about to break but the unpoken message hung in the air.

Fiona sensed there was more that Ian wasnt saying and she did notice how Ian seemed to inch closer to Mickey with each second before she let out a tense sigh standing up asking "you uh...you think we can talk again" softly. Ian looked over at her and seeing she meant everything she said and the hurt and regret in her eyes but he was still angry replying "I dont know, maybe" softly.

Fiona shook her head hating that she pushed Ian so far away from her replying "okay" softly. They fell into silence and Fiona looked her brother over and she realized she was all wrong because he looked nothing like Monica, he looked like he had his shit together which was more than what she could say for her self blurting out "I'm glad your back Ian and I was wrong, youre not Monica" firmly.

Ian slightly shook his head accepting her words before Fiona said "its good seeing you again, you too Mickey" and walked away from them and out the door of the bar. Ian gulped down some of his beer as Mickey looked at his boyfriend asking "you okay" curiously. Ian was slightly shaking at the emotions running through his body and mind blurting out "think so, you think she meant it" softly. Mickey rubbed his hand on Ian's back replying "she looked like she did" softly.

Ian shook his head replying "yeah I thought so too" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Ian got lost in his own thoughts as he finished off his beer. When he emptied the glass he looked up at Mickey asking "you want to get out here" softly. Mickey finished off the rest of his beer replying "yeah why the fuck not" before they told Kev they were leaving and left the bar.

They were walking down the street towards the train station when Ian heard someone call him and it sounded so familiar he almost threw up on the spot turning around blurting out "Monica" icily. Mickey tensed on the spot protectively standing in front of Ian blurting "the fuck do you want" angrily hating the woman standing in front of them on the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah sorry about the end but it was going to happen.
> 
> So I'm nearly finished this story, only about 8 maybe 9 chapters left, considering the way this story is going I'm finding it hard to finish it even though I have other ideas I want to work on.


	18. Your heart is a grave to be perfectly honest and your mouth's a smoking gun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation from last chapter.

Ian didn't know what to say feeling like the world he built for himself since Mickey came back into his life was crumbling down around him and felt like the ground was caving in underneath him and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Ian swallowed the bile in his throat glaring at the nightmare that was his mother blurting out "when did you get back" icily. They both noticed that Monica looked like she was manic again when she ran forward to hug Ian replying "just over a week ago, I came back to find you" airily.

Mickey pushed her away angrily glaring at her angrily shouting "don't you fucking touch him and don't pretend you give a shit either" icily. Mickey wanted to kill her there and then hating that she just showed up right when Ian thought he would be okay but he didn't want his boyfriend to have to go through this again with Monica. Monica steadied herself standing in front of them asking "Mickey right, I heard about you, you know Ian's just as crazy as I am right" lightly. Mickey spat "he's not fucking crazy" angrily.

Monica ignored it looking at him replying "I'm surprised you stuck around him knowing he is just like me, not many people can handle people like me and Ian but I guess you haven't seen the worst yet but you will and then you will leave, they all do because you can never understand people like me and Ian" lightly. Mickey glared at her feeling the anger of all the things Ian told him about his time with Monica consume him telling her "fuck you, I aint fucking leaving him like you did, you left him to fucking die in a crackhouse after selling his phone for drugs, you really expect me to believe you give a shit about him, you're out of your fucking mind" angrily.

Monica looked surprised at that as she looked at Ian asking "you told him about that, that was our secret" curiously. Ian looked up at her replying "why wouldn't I" firmly not adding I tell him everything, he knows everything. Monica looked hurt replying "but it was just us Ian, we were going to be free" softly. Ian scoffed bitterly replying "no it wasn't, you just cared about yourself, you knew what was happening to me and turned me against everyone before leaving me alone, you're a liar so stay away from me, I hate you" firmly. Monica stepped a little closer replying "I'm sorry, can we start over, I came back for you" softly.

Mickey glared at Monica before pushing her shoulder with his hand almost shouting "no you fucking didn't, you haven't even looked for him since you fucked off on him after that phone call, you only give a shit because you just saw him a few minutes ago but you never gave him a thought over the last three fucking years so don't pretend to fucking care now" icily. Ian looked over at Mickey hating that it was Mickey saying all of this, that Mickey was brave enough to voice what Ian had told him over the months they had been back together and yet he couldn't say one word to Monica because he just felt paralyzed in fear.

Ian felt that weightless feeling again that he felt that morning a few weeks ago and he hated it, he felt like his mind was floating away again and there was nothing he could do to stop it either. He felt that flight feeling again and wanted to run far away before he melted into the ground as Monica was using everything Mickey said to twist everything and make it like it was Ian's fault he left.

Sure enough as he had the thought Monica blurted out "you were the one who left me Ian, I wanted to leave but you just wanted to stay in bed, what was I meant to do, you didn't want me anymore, you know Mickey cant take care you when the meds stop working, its impossible" softly. Mickey angrily shook his head glaring at her retorting "he was fucking depressed you fucking asshole, of course he wasn't going anywhere, it had nothing to do with you, you selfish bitch and don't tell me what's fucking impossible" icily.

Mickey looked back to see Ian was frozen on the spot looking at the ground like he was struggling to breathe and he knew Ian just wanted out of there especially when he saw the conflicted expression on Ian's face. Monica wasn't having it asking "come on Ian, give me one more chance, come away with me again, I wont leave you this time, please I need you" pleadingly. Mickey froze at the words knowing he couldn't answer this, he couldn't answer for Ian, he never did and wouldn't start doing it now.

Mickey anxiously glared at Monica waiting for Ian to answer and when Monica tried to step around him Mickey stopped her by grabbing her arm thinking his days of being above hitting women was being tested right now. The only reason Mickey hadn't knocked her teeth out yet was because that was something his father would do and he was nothing like Terry in any way, shape or form so he just tightly gripped Monica's arm and glared at her icily.

He was tempted to call Mandy and get her down here to beat the shit out Monica for him but he decided against it. Ian looked up at Monica replying "no, I'm not going anywhere with you, get out of my life Monica" firmly. Mickey almost sighed in relief but he was too angry at Monica to let his relief show but something told him that Ian probably noticed or knew Mickey felt nothing but relief at his admission. Monica wasn't having it replying "why not, we had fun didn't we" curiously.

Ian shifted on his feet stuffing his hands into his pockets to hide his clenched fists looking at her replying "no I didn't and I'm stable now, I'm happy" hesitating until he felt sure adding "a lot happier than I have been in a long time" firmly and he believed the words too. Monica looked gutted replying "it wont last Ian, the meds stop working sooner or later and then Mickey will see you at your worst and leave you, do you really want that to happen because it will, does Fiona even talk to you anymore" softly.

Ian closed his eyes and bit down hard on his tongue hating that Monica always knew where to punch the lowest, always knew where to hit the hardest too and knock the breath out of him while she was at it. Ian just hated that she was half right and it was a fear that he did have about Mickey but he firmly believed his boyfriend when he said he wasn't leaving even after Ian told him how bad his disorder could get.

Ian already had a med combination stop working on him and Mickey still didn't leave so he knew Monica was lying replying "if they stop working then I will get them changed and your lying, you always lie and I'm sick of you manipulating me" softly. Ian looked up at her trying to hide the wavering emotion from his voice adding "he already seen me at my worst when my meds stopped working and he didn't leave, he isn't you and never will be, you left when I needed you, you kept me away from Mickey when you knew how much I needed him when I tried to call him that night and you didn't care, you just didn't want me to leave you, it had nothing to do with Mickey at all because you just didn't want me to leave you alone and you know it" coldly.

Ian felt a wave of happiness wash over him at seeing Monica flinch at his cold words adding "not so nice to hear the truth is it" softly. There was a silence before Ian added "you don't have control over me anymore, I don't need you so just get out of my life, I hate you" icily. Mickey pushed Monica away to stand right beside Ian and softly rubbed his hand on Ian's back in support before grabbing Ian's hip and pulling Ian closer to him and looked at him whispering "come on, lets go home" softly.

Ian fought a small smile that threatened to break free but he bit his lip to stop it looking at Mickey replying "yeah I want to go home" softly not adding with you every time. Monica broke the silence asking "you don't mean that" sadly. Ian looked at the ground before looking up at her replying "I do and I never want to see you again" coldly. Monica's jaw dropped as the seriousness of Ian's words hit her replying "you don't mean that, I though we had a connection" sadly.

Ian bitterly scoffed replying "no we don't, you just want me because you have no one else" icily. Monica tried one last thing to push Ian on replying "if you don't come with me now then you wont ever see me again" firmly. Ian rolled his eyes letting out a sigh of relief already knowing his answer "good, don't ever come back here, I'm done with you fucking up everything for me, I never want to see you again, you're nothing to me, practically dead to me now" coldly.

Mickey lightly gripped Ian's bicep with his hand as he looked over at Monica telling her "if you ever come near Ian again I will fucking end you by putting a bullet in your fucking head and making sure you're never fucking found" icily. Ian just watched Monica's disbelieving expression before looking at his boyfriend blurting out "I want to leave now" softly. Mickey grabbed Ian's hand in his own as they walked away from Monica and towards the train station and when Ian heard Monica call his name he didn't even look back as they turned onto the next street leaving Monica far behind.

* * *

They got the train back to their apartment in complete silence and Mickey noticed Ian's complete mood change and he felt like calling his therapist to tell her that her idea of facing their fears was a stupid idea. Even though he was sort of relieved at going back to the Alibi and realizing no one gave a shit about him being gay especially Kev and Vee. Mickey just felt bad because Ian not only had to talk to Fiona which he was sort of expecting but Mickey knew Ian was not expecting to see Monica of all people and he could understand why Ian was completely in a world of his own.

As they sat on the train Mickey looked over at Ian to see him resting his head against the window and staring into space not able to hide the conflicted look on his face. Mickey didn't even look around deciding Ian was more important so he grabbed Ian's hand in his own and lightly squeezed it and when Ian looked over at him Mickey just softly smiled at his boyfriend letting him know he was there for him when he was ready to talk.

Ian looked down at their hands and tightened his grip on Mickey before looking up at him with a soft smile letting his boyfriend know that he knew Mickey was there for him when he was ready to talk before going back to staring out the window.

* * *

 

When they got into their apartment Ian stood right in front of his boyfriend whispering "want to go get high, got any weed" shyly. Mickey laughed looking down at his feet before looking at Ian replying "course I fucking do, stop asking stupid fucking questions, sit down and I'll get the stuff" feeling relieved that Ian was talking again. Mickey came back from their bedroom with a joint and the lighter and sat beside Ian on the sofa who had put the television channel on some action movie where they shared the joint in silence.

Both of them didnt really focus on the movie as they were both too caught up in their own thoughts of the eventful afternoon that they didnt expect to happen but it did and they werent sure how they felt about it either. Ian didnt smoke a lot of the joint, he thought about it but then he decided it wasnt worth it, the way Monica made him feel like shit wasnt worth undoing all the hard work he had done in getting stable.

After they smoked the joint and the movie was over Ian cooked them some dinner and realizing he didnt care what Monica thought about him choosing Mickey and being stable over her although he didnt get why she looked so suprised about it either but he didnt care and he was glad he told her to fuck off. When they finished eating Ian cleaned up and took his meds at the sink before looking over to the sofa to see Mickey was lying on it staring at the celing feeling the effects of the weed start to wear off.

As Ian looked at his boyfriend he realized what he wanted and it was time to stop feeling so weightless too because he needed this, he needed to feel grounded. He was tired of people having control over him and his actions, tired of people like Monica and the man that raped him making sure that he felt like he had no control or power over his own mind and decisions. Ian decided he was done with that feeling, he was taking control of himself and he was done being afraid too.

Ian swallowed down a glass of water and put it in the sink before walking over to the sofa and sitting on top of Mickey on the sofa with a leg each side of his boyfriend. Mickey looked at Ian blurting out "hey" before laughing. Ian rolled his eyes replying "you still high" curiously. Mickey looked up at what he thought was his beautiful redhead and fought the urge to say it out loud instead replying "had a few beers too as well as a full joint so yeah a little" lightly.

Ian softly laughed biting his lip before hesitantly replying "I want you to fuck me" softly. Mickey stopped laughing looking at Ian blurting out "what" softly because he was not expecting this at all. Mickey knew they had sex a lot but it was always Ian that fucked him and while they used to switch it up and take turns before Ian left town they didnt anymore and Mickey knew it was because Ian had been raped so he never pushed Ian on the issue.

Ian moved to lie on top of Mickey resting his elbows on the arm of the sofa beside Mickey's head blurting out "I know we used to do it before I came back and then I didnt want to do it because I was raped" shyly. Ian fell silent and was glad Mickey just patiently waited for him to get this thoughts together as he felt Mickey wrap his arms around his lower back.

Ian bit looked at the ground before looking at Mickey adding "I miss you, miss the way you make me feel after it, I hate the that guy violated me, he took everything from me, I only ever let you fuck me and no one else, I only ever wanted you to be the one to do it and he took that choice away from me" softly. Mickey rested a hand in Ian's hair before settling it on the back of his neck looking at him replying "you know I will" firmly. Ian hesitated hating he couldnt get the words out like he planned in his head shyly blurting out "I want you to make me forget about him....forget it ever happened....just make it like it never happened... I just need you right now" softly hating he wasn't making any sense.

Ian sighed blurting out "I dont make any fucking sense" softly. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's cheek looking up at him replying "you do" firmly. Mickey completely got it replying "remember when before you left and after Terry would beat the shit out of me, I'd want you to fuck me, it was so I could get the feel of his fists off me, it was like you replaced it and made me forget what he did to me, its like by having you fuck me then I could pretend the beating never happened, it meant he wasnt the only person to ever have his fucking hands on me or some shit" firmly. Ian thought about it before shaking his head replying "yeah that's it, thats what I meant" softly.

Mickey lightly pulled at Ian's hair forcing the redhead to look at him before he hesitantly blurted out "if we do this then you tell me to stop when you want to stop" not hiding the worry from his voice. Ian picked up on it replying "I will" not adding he didnt want to stop at all and wasnt going to either way because he needed this right now. Mickey looked over Ian's expression and seeing no doubt on Ian's face replied "well get off me, we're arent doing it here" lightly. Ian softly laughed before standing up and grabbing Mickey's hands in his own before pulling his boyfriend into the bedroom and shutting the door behind them for the night.


	19. And you smile while youre twisting the knife in my stomach until everything is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation from the last chapter.

It was the early morning when Mickey woke up and he knew it was still early since the room was still dark. He lightly groaned pulling himself closer to Ian who had his back to him by tightening his arms that were wrapped already around his boyfriend. He was so tightly wrapped around Ian that he didnt know where his legs were just that they felt tangled up with Ian's but he didnt care because he knew Ian needed him a lot right now.

He also didnt care because all he could feel was Ian sleeping in his arms and Ian was the only thing that mattered to him right now even though he also wanted to go and run Monica out of town for good. They were so closely pressed up against each other that they were like one lump under the covers and he knew Ian was still sleeping by the slow deep breaths coming from the redhead.

Mickey let out a soft exhale as he thought back over the last few hours and realized he never wanted to let Ian leave this room ever again before he pulled Ian closer to him deciding that if Ian ever wanted to leave again then he was leaving with him too. Mickey rubbed his forehead in Ian's hair before lightly kissing the back of his neck as he ran his hand over Ian's stomach and then resting it flatly against Ian's collarbone on the mattress before falling back asleep. 

* * *

 The sun was shining into their room through the curtains when Ian woke up feeling too warm with his boyfriend wrapped around him under the covers but he didnt want to move away from him either. He was staring at the wall of their bedroom feeling safety in being caged in between the wall and Mickey as he kept replaying last night and yesterday over and over in his head.

Ian drifted in and out of sleep all night not able to shut off his brain and go to sleep and he vaugely remembered Mickey kissing the back of neck and hugging him tightly and running his hand over his stomach before going back to sleep. After Mickey went back to sleep Ian just lay there wondering why it took him so long to go through with it as he knew Mickey would never hurt him or force him into something he didnt want to do and last night proved it. Ian also wondered why was he so afraid of Monica, afraid to the point that it stopped him from saying what he needed to say to her yesterday.

Even though he said some stuff he needed to say he felt like it wasnt enough to get the message across to her even with the help of his boyfriend. Ian also hated that she had so much power over him and also had the power to shatter him into a million little pieces on the ground with just a few words. She always managed to put that seed of doubt into his mind and he hated it so much.

He knew he hated her but there was something deep within him that felt a pull towards her and he wondered why he was afraid to go against her when all she did was manipulate him into what she wanted him to do. Ian felt like he could never win with her and it made him wonder if she ever really genuinely gave a shit about him at all or only pretended to give a shit so he would spend some time with her because she had no one else.

Ian let out a frustrated sigh knowing he just felt angry and confused along with a mixture of hurt and he didnt know how to deal with this whole situation. He just hated that when he got his disorder under control, had a good job, got his boyfriend back and lived with him too and was actually happy with his life Monica just seemed to know when to reappear just to send it all crashing to the ground.

Ian squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them with his fingers before turning around to see the time on the clock that let him know it was time to take his meds for the morning. He slowly unwrapped Mickey's arms from him and when Mickey moved to lie on his back Ian waited until he had settled back to sleep to lightly kiss his boyfriend on the forehead before crawling over Mickey to get out of the bed. He put on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and grabbed the bottle of meds on the table beside the bed before going to the bathroom and then into the kitchen to make some breakfast.

* * *

 He aimlessly wandered around the kitchen grabbing some eggs from the fridge and making himself some pancakes while staring blankly at the frying pan until they were cooked. He put them on a plate and then sat at the table eating the pancakes while glaring at the med bottles like they did something to offend him just by their presence. Ian knew their presence alone was offending him because they just constantly reminded him he wasnt normal and he hated the whole situation.

He really didnt want to take them, he didnt see the point because he had been feeling fine over the last few weeks and it was the good days like the last few weeks that made him wonder did he really need the meds if he felt okay. He didnt care that his therapist warned him about this, about how he may feel fine and think he doesnt need the meds at all when it just means that the meds are working.

But Ian didnt care, he just wanted to be normal, he just wanted to be able to get up in the morning and not have to take meds to make sure he functioned properly for the day. Ian chewed on his pancakes leaning back against the back of the chair while still staring at the med bottles imagining just flushing them down the sink and never having to deal with them ever again.

He figured he had been on them long enough that if he stopped taking them right now then he could get a few normal days before the mania, depression or psychosis started to creep in and take over his brain. He realized he just felt angry, so angry that he got lumped with bipolar while his siblings got away without a scratch of their mothers genetics and he couldnt help feel envious of them for it too. It didnt help that he felt so scared too especially when his doctor told him he could be on medications for thirty or forty years and maybe for the rest of his life and Ian hated that his doctor told him that information even though he did ask during the appointment.

Ian didnt see any reason at all to take them, they made him feel like shit most days. It was a bitch to remember when to take them and then harder to try to hide taking them at his regular times when he was working at the bar even though his boss knew about his disorder. He also hated that he felt like a burden on his boyfriend who also chipped in with money to pay for the meds because Ian wasnt making enough alone to afford them along with their rent, food and their bills for the apartment.

Ian hated it even though Mickey said he didnt give a shit about helping pay for the meds because Ian's health came first for him all the time and he didnt care if he had to do without something for the month because Ian was more important. Ian thought back to one of their therapy sessions when his therapist asked him who support system was and Mickey answered for him firmly telling her 'he doesnt need anyone, he's got me' and it made Ian feel warm inside as he softly smiled at memory while chewing his pancakes.

But then there were days like yesterday with Monica that made him wonder if Mickey really deserved all of this shit and it just made him wonder why he ever came back home. Ian was just so afraid of being like Monica and always running off when it got too much and he knew he was already like her in a lot of ways. He really hated that she was always running in and out of his family's life like they didnt matter and she didnt care and he didnt want to be that person to Mickey.

He was also afraid of what would happen next now that Monica was back in Southside. He was afraid she would use that pull she knew she had over him to convince him to leave with her again and hated that he probably would go with her because he didnt want to disappoint her even though all she herself did was be a disappointment to her family. He always felt weak around her, always felt this need for her approval not that she ever gave him any over the time he left with her three years ago.

He largely hated himself for still chasing that approval even though he knew he would never get that approval and love that a mother was supposed to give to a child. He really hated that she made him doubt himself, doubt Mickey and doubt if he ever could manage and control his disorder and live a normal or as close to normal as possible life as someone with bipolar disorder.

Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt arms wrap around him from behind and then a soft kiss on top of his head as he felt Mickey run a hand across his chest and his other hand lightly tugging at his hair. Ian blinked and rubbed his eyes noticing the half eaten pancakes sitting in front of him completely forgotten about when Mickey asked "how long have you been up shithead" softly.

Ian shrugged looking at the clock on the oven replying "about an hour" softly. Mickey softly laughed replying "thought so, been out here ten minutes, called you and you ignored me so left you too it" before going back to finish off cooking his breakfast at the oven. Ian slightly nodded returning his glare to the med bottles that still remained untouched on the table in front of his breakfast.

The side effects was another thing he hated about them, they could be anything ranging from dizziness to nausea, weight gain and not able to have sex because they dulled his libido to zero. Ian hated the last two because they were the worst because it meant he had to watch his weight and he could lose his libido which he hated more because he loved his boyfriend and wanted to be intimate with him too.

He was broken from his thoughts again when Mickey asked "you not eating" curiously. Ian looked up to see Mickey was sitting beside him pouring syrup over his pancakes and almost laughed at his boyfriend's sugar addiction replying "I am just forgot about them" softly. Ian picked up his fork and returned to eating the rest of his breakfast glaring at the meds bottles with each bite of his food.

Mickey had noticed since he walked into the kitchen that Ian seemed to be in his own world and he knew something was wrong with Ian asking "you okay after last night" softly. Ian looked over at him softly smiling at the memory replying "last night was great but its not that, its Monica coming back" softly. Mickey put his fork down hating that woman more with each passing day and decided he was definitely paying her a vist with Mandy and Iggy in tow with a few guns to run her out of town.

He was sick of Monica always showing up to fuck with Ian just when Ian seemed to get his whole life together and be happy for a change and he hated her for destroying Ian every time she came back to Southside. A tense silence fell before Ian blurted out before he could stop it "I dont want to take the meds" softly. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand trying to control the anger he felt towards Monica before he took it out on Ian which he didnt want to do so he forced himself to calm down because he was angry at Monica, not Ian.

Mickey groaned replying "the fuck you want to do that for" softly. Ian swallowed the dry lump in his mouth hesitantly replying "you said can I talk to you about anything right" insecurely. Mickey was resting his elbow on the table with his head in his hand replying "course you fucking can, I told you that" firmly before he moved his head to look at Ian. Ian looked down at his hands that were resting in his lap and everything he had been thinking about all morning and at the table before Mickey got up came tumbling out of his mouth like a waterfall and he couldnt stop it not that he wanted to either.

Mickey moved his chair and pulled it up so he was sitting right beside Ian telling him "youre not a burden, I dont give a shit about helping you pay for meds and shit, that stuff's expensive, I wouldnt be doing it if I didnt want to" firmly. Ian shook his head knowing that was true as Mickey never did anything he didnt want to do for anyone and he didnt give a fuck who the person was either.

It was probably knowing that one thing about Mickey that made Ian relax a bit and knowing that his boyfriend genuinely cared and gave a shit. Ian really hated that he was so insecure in thinking he was burden despite Mickey telling him differently. Ian felt Mickey rest his arm over his shoulders when he asked "and what if the meds stop working, what if I go manic or depressed or into psychosis, will you still want me" shyly.

Mickey pulled his chair closer so he was side by side with Ian replying "course I'll still fucking want you, I'll never not want you" firmly. Ian looked up at him hesitantly asking "really even after what Monica said" shyly. Mickey glared at Ian replying "definitely after what that bitch said, she doesnt fucking know me" angrily. Ian softly laughed and looked down at his hands resting on his thigh before he inched his hand over to grab Mickey's hand replying "no she doesnt" softly.

Mickey lightly squeezed Ian hand asking "what else is bothering you" curiously. Mickey knew there was more bothering Ian and he was going to drag it out of him if he had to since Ian's therapist told him that Ian needed to talk about what was on his mind. Even though Mickey told her that Ian didnt really talk about things and neither of them did really but she told him to make things work like their relationship and Ian's stability Ian needed to talk about his disorder.

So Mickey decided to take her advice even though it was way out of Mickey's comfort zone but he was willing to try for Ian because it was what Ian needed and Mickey knew he would do anything for Ian. Ian glared at the med bottles again hesitantly blurting out "I dont want to take the stupid meds" angrily. Mickey was expecting this since he noticed the way Ian was glaring at the bottles since he got up and he had a feeling Ian hadnt taken them either.

Mickey let his head fall on Ian's shoulder before looking at Ian asking "why the fuck not, they work dont they" lightly. Ian shrugged stumbling over his words and hesitating "I just want to feel normal...I just want to be able to get up and not have to take a bunch of pills to fucking function....no one else has to so why the fuck should I have to, why me, its not fucking fair that I'm the only one out of six with this fucking disorder" angrily.

Mickey didnt say anything because he didnt know what he could say but he got Ian's point, even understood it and agreed but he knew there was nothing he could say that didnt sound like pity and Ian hated pity so Mickey remained silent. A comfortable silence fell before Ian blurted out "I feel fine, feel like I dont need to take them and I know its only because the meds are working but what if I just skip for a few days, it will be fine" softly.

Ian looked at the bottles on the table adding "I heard from people that were bipolar doing that in the hospital, they take the meds until they feel fine and then they stop taking them until they feel bad again and then go back on the meds" softly. Mickey rested his hand on the back of Ian's neck looking at him asking "it work" softly. Ian shrugged replying "dont think so since they always went manic or depressed and ended up back in hospital" softly.

Another silence fell before Ian sadly added "hate the side effects too, the nausea, dizziness and drymouth I can deal with but I cant deal with the weight gain and no sex drive" softly. Mickey let out a sigh replying "Ian I dont give a shit about the last two just once I have you all to myself" firmly. Ian softly smiled knowing his boyfriend meant it looking over at him insecurely replying "I know but it matters to me, it just makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you and that you can do better" softly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian before replying "you are good enough for me and no I cant do better, anyway I could say the same about you, you can do better than me but youre still here arent you" firmly. Ian softly smiled replying "I could never do better than you" firmly. Mickey bit his lip to stop himself from grinning but failed as he replied "anyway even if you cant get off there is nothing stopping you from getting me off" humouredly.

Ian laughed feeling slightly better replying "fuck you asshole" lightly. Mickey laughed replying "there you go, that's better" humouredly. Ian rolled his eyes feeling lighter than he did when he got up this morning as they fell into a comfortable silence. Mickey bit his lip wondering if this was a good idea but he knew Ian well enough to know that if you told him to do something he would do the opposite and it was out before he could stop it "so flush them then if they really make you feel like shit" firmly.

Ian looked at him letting his jaw slightly drop in shock asking "what" softly. Mickey shrugged his shoulders replying "if they make you feel like shit right and if you feel okay now and want to be normal for a while then what's the point in taking them" curiously. Ian didnt know what to say since he wasnt expecting this reaction at all as Mickey added "so what will happen in a few days" curiously.

Ian opened and closed his mouth a few times before swallowing a load of saliva that formed in his mouth replying "could go manic and leave again or get depressed maybe psychotic, who knows" softly. Mickey decided to push a little more hoping this didnt backfire and Ian would leave for good asking "so you want to be like Monica and not give a shit" softly. Ian grew defensive retorting "I'm not Monica" angrily.

Mickey ignored it replying "didnt say you were, just asked if you want to be like her so tell me how you arent like her then" lightly. Ian faltered and it showed on his expression as he stumbled before replying "she doesnt give a shit about me or my family, she doesnt care who she hurts, she doesnt care that she came back here and decided to ruin everything for me" firmly. Mickey was still looking at Ian asking "so why are you letting her ruin everything that you worked to build up" curiously.

Ian stuttered hesitantly replying "I'm not, I take my meds because I dont want to be like her, I want my life back, I want you because youre fucking important to me and I dont want to lose you" softly. Mickey bit his lip before replying "you wont lose me and even if you werent on the meds you still wouldnt lose me, youre it for me and I dont give a shit about anything else" firmly. Ian saw Mickey meant it slightly shaking his head replying "same for me about you" softly.

Mickey pulled Ian in for a hug and let him go but left his arm across Ian's shoulders before asking "do you think I'm like Terry" firmly. Ian scoffed "fuck no" icily. Mickey almost laughed looking at Ian replying "good answer, I'm nothing like Terry just like youre nothing like Monica, you struggle with the meds and everything and that shows you are nothing like her, she doesnt even try or care because she doesnt give a shit who she hurts, you do and that makes the difference" firmly.

Ian felt his eyes water and looked down at his hand that Mickey was still holding tightly letting the words sink in realizing his boyfriend was right, he did struggle with the disorder and the meds but he tried and he gave a shit and that was more important. Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's blurting out "no more of this I'm Monica shit because you arent, and if you keep it up then I'm going to start saying I'm like Terry which I really dont want to say" in a tone laced with disgust at the mention of Terry.

Ian quietly laughed replying "okay" softly. Mickey let Ian go and sat back to eat his breakfast grumbling "my foods fucking cold" before shovelling some pancakes into his mouth. Ian softly laughed watching his boyfriend before letting out a sigh of relief and grabbed the med bottles and took out his dosage and swallowed them dry before eating the rest of his cold breakfast. Ian also noticed that Mickey still hadnt let go of his hand under the table but he didnt notice the small glances Mickey shot his way after Ian took his meds.

They finished off their breakfast in silence and when Ian swallowed the last mouthful and tried to ignore the shakes and dizziness from the meds he blurted out "thinking of running Monica out of town" softly. Mickey laughed getting up from the chair and wrapping his arms around Ian from behind and kissed the top of his head before he moved to put the empty plates in the sink replying "way fucking ahead of you" lightly.

Ian frowned turning in his seat to look at his boyfriend who was now making coffee asking "you got a plan" curiously. Mickey shrugged replying "call Mandy and Iggy, get a few guns and threaten her to leave" icily. Ian rested his arm on the chair almost laughing loving the plan asking "can I come with you" curiously. Mickey looked up from where he was pouring the coffee at his boyfriend replying "course you fucking can, going to call Mandy later on" lightly. Ian grinned feeling in a much better mood as Mickey grabbed the two cups and walked over to the sofa.

Ian followed him and sat beside him as they drank their coffee in silence while watching some daytime tv. Ian silently drank some of his coffee feeling glad he decided not to flush his meds and ruin his stability just because Monica told him it wouldnt last and that he couldnt remain stable. He was just glad Mickey was able to talk some sense into him so he nudged his boyfriend with his elbow and when Mickey looked at him he hesitantly blurted out "thanks for that back there" softly.

Mickey nudged him back with his shoulder replying "anytime Red" softly. Ian shook his head quietly before turning his attention back onto the tv screen deciding he was idiot to let Monica get into his head so he decided he wasnt letting her do it to him anymore. She clearly didnt care about him so he was done caring about Monica. He had his life where he wanted it, a job and a nice just about affordable apartment with his boyfriend and control of his disorder. It was more than he had a year ago and there was no way he was losing it all now just because of Monica.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to have Ian struggle with taking his meds because I know its something people with the disorder struggle with and it also fits Ian's struggle with his disorder in the story too.


	20. With fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy.

Ever since Ian had admitted to not wanting to take the meds anymore it scared Mickey to the point that he was afraid Ian would actually stop taking them at all because Monica got inside his head. It had been a few weeks since that talk over breakfast and he knew Ian was still taking the meds. He also saw how determined Ian was to remain stable and to be as far away from being like Monica as he could be and it made Mickey feel relieved that Ian wasnt giving up on remaining stable. He completely understood why Ian would want to quit taking the meds, he hated that Ian had to take them at all and he hated seeing Ian beat himself up over the unwanted side effects too.

Mickey and Ian along had caught up with Monica a few days after that morning by getting Mandy to go with him to pay her a visit and make her leave Ian alone. They caught up with her at the Alibi and Mandy physically threatened her with a iron bar pressed against her throat and certain death in an unmarked grave if she ever came near Ian ever again. After that they never heard or saw Monica since so they figured she left town for good and after what they did Ian felt relieved and hoped he would never see her again. Mickey noticed that since Ian knew that Monica was gone that he was more relaxed and more determined to remain stable.

But that fear was still there deep in Mickey's brain and he hated it, he hated that not only had Monica so much power over Ian but she also had power over him to make him scared that Ian would leave and that he couldnt take care of Ian. He was trying for Ian's sake to be happy that she was gone but he was just so angry at Monica for fucking with Ian every single time she came back to Southside like Ian was just some game for her to play with because she was bored.

Even though she was gone Mickey still felt like the shadow of Monica much like Terry was still hanging over them with the only difference being that Terry was dead and Monica was still alive and still a threat to them both and he hated that she could show up at any time to mess everything up.

It didnt matter that Ian reassured him that he was fine even though there were days he didnt want to take his meds but he did it for him and for Mickey. That Ian told him he did it because he had his life back, he wanted control and he wanted the life he had with his boyfriend a lot more and not a world of swinging between mania and depression all the time.

 

* * *

 

Mickey was lying on the floor in front of the sofa drinking a bottle of beer and smoking some weed while waiting on Ian to come home from work which was meant to be hours ago. It was his day off so he was going nowhere near work and he didnt care if Ian text him a few times telling him to come into the bar for a while so he told Ian to fuck off. But he wished hadnt now because Ian wasnt here and he just wanted to be with Ian on his day off and he considered making sure they both had a day off at the same time.

Mickey rolled his eyes at that thought not able to hide the smile breaking out on his face as he drank some of his beer wondering if maybe he should have gone to see Ian because all he did since Ian left this afternoon was think over everything and he hated that he was feeling insecure about his relationship with Ian all because of Monica. So he ended up drinking some beer and smoking some weed which was why he was now lying on the floor in the middle of their apartment and Mickey smiled when he thought of it as their apartment.

He sat up and took the joint from the ashtray on the table and smoked it just as Ian walked into the apartment and shut the door behind him not noticing his boyfriend looking nearly drunk and high on the floor as he took off his coat and threw it on the chair before going into the kitchen. Ian let out a sigh feeling glad to be home as he raided the fridge to make some food to take his meds with before he noticed Mickey was sitting on the floor looking at him as he drank some beer.

Ian softly laughed at the sight before taking some leftovers from yesterdays dinner from the fridge and put them beside the sink to be reheated before walking over to his boyfriend and sitting beside him asking "this all you been doing today" lightly. Mickey shrugged before lying back down the floor replying "not all day" not adding since a while after you left for work.

Ian laughed not believing a word and drank some of the beer on the table before lying down flat on his back with his shoulder against Mickey's shoulder as he took the joint from him and smoking some of it before handing it back to him replying "sure you havent" lightly. Mickey rolled his eyes taking the joint back off Ian not even bothering to reply since he knew he could never win as far as Ian was concerned but he didnt care because when it came to Ian he knew he didnt care at all.

They fell into one of their comfortable silences before Ian turned to lie on his side using his arm as a pillow before he blurted out "I talked to Fiona today, its why I was late home" softly. Mickey almost choked on the weed he just inhaled before looking over asking "what" hoarsly as he cleared his throat. Ian felt nervous and started figiting looking down at the floor replying "she called me earlier, said she wanted to talk so I agreed to meet her" softly.

Mickey looked confused asking "the fuck for" not sure if he was mad that Fiona wanted to talk to Ian or that Ian agreed to meet Fiona. Ian shrugged replying "she called me yesterday and asked if we could talk, said she would be at home alone today so I went back home after work to talk to her, didnt want her coming up here because then she can find me and I dont want that" softly.

Mickey finished off the joint asking "the fuck did she want anyway" as he leaned over Ian to stub out the joint in the ashtray before lying back down on his side using his arm as a pillow to face Ian. Ian sat up and drank some of the beer on the table before lying back down looking at Mickey adding "just to say that she was sorry, she handled the whole me being bipolar thing really badly and she regrets it, she was just scared it was another Monica situation" softly.

Mickey felt angry at Fiona replying "I hope you fucking told her how much she made you feel like shit before you went into the hospital" angrily. Ian softly smiled replying "I did, told her I was stable and that I wasnt Monica and I didnt need to treated like I was going to break or lose it, told her that I knew she hated me and didnt care, told her that just because I left didnt mean I was Monica, that I left on my own choice even though the symptoms were probably starting to show before I left" softly.

Mickey knew it was probably a mixture of the beer and weed as he reached over and ran his hand through Ian's hair replying "glad you said it to her" firmly. Ian leaned into the touch looking at his boyfriend replying "told her I knew she didnt care, that she never called in the three years I was gone or in the hospital to see if I was okay or even alive" softly. Ian hesitantly blurted out "there is something else" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian in confusion not liking where this was going asking "go on" not able to hide the suspicion in his voice. Ian pushed himself right against Mickey's side running his hand across Mickey's stomach then along his ribs and stopping there as he shyly blurted out "Fiona knew Monica was back and didnt tell me until yesterday" softly. Mickey snapped "the fuck Ian" loudly.

Ian slightly flinched at the loudness since he was half lying on top of Mickey replying "I know" softly. Ian looked away from Mickey adding "I was angry at her too, she just said when she seen us in the Alibi that day that she was shocked I was back and she never thought to say it, then she thought that I probably already knew or that I didnt know and she didnt want to ruin it for me by finding out Monica was back" softly.

Mickey was still pissed off about it replying "would have been nice of her to fucking say it, wouldnt have been caught by suprise after we left the Alibi" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "I know but she didnt, I told her that I told Monica I was done with her and that me, you and Mandy ran her out of town" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "bet she wasnt too happy about that" icily. Ian softly laughed replying "actually she said she wanted to thank you and Mandy, you both did her a favor" humouredly.

Mickey softly laughed replying "yeah well it needed to be done" firmly. Ian softly laughed knowing it was true replying "thanks for doing it" softly. Mickey shook his head not adding he would do anything for Ian but something told him Ian already knew that small fact. Ian hesitated before adding "Fiona said she doesnt hate me, she just didnt know how to deal with it, got scared and fucked up and she hates that she let things get this bad, said she really regrets it" softly.

Mickey scoffed pulling himself closer to Ian retorting "so she fucking should" icily. Ian agreed but he knew Monica affected Fiona too replying "yeah well not everyone is like you, think Monica fucked her up really bad" softly. Mickey wasnt having it "she fucking compared you to Monica and your just going to forgive her" angrily. Ian shrugged "no, I just think she means it, she hates that she let Monica come between us, doesnt want it to happen anymore" softly.

Ian hesitated before adding "she invited me to dinner tomorrow night, said you could come too" softly. Mickey raised his eyebrows not able to hide his shock replying "what the fuck" firmly. Ian hesitated again looking at Mickey hesitating and stumbling over his words "I think she is trying to make things okay between us, I just think I should give her a chance, she feels really bad about how she handled the whole thing" softly.

They fell into silence before Mickey moved his hand under Ian's tshirt running his hand up and down Ian's ribs needing to feel his warm skin hesitantly asking "you believe her, I just dont want her to hurt you again" softly. Ian looked down at the floor again knowing his boyfriend made a good point in that Fiona could hurt him again before hesitantly replying "I dont know but I'd just like to try, we used to be close and me leaving ended that, she didnt hold me to dinner tomorrow night, she just said to show up if I wanted to" softly.

Mickey raised his eyebrow hoping it didnt go wrong for Ian looking at him blurting out "well she better not fuck it up this time" firmly. Ian scoffed looking up at his boyfriend replying "knowing her she probably will" lightly. They lay on the floor in silence when Ian rested his head on Mickey's shoulder before resting his arm over his waist and moving his leg to rest between Mickey's legs while staring blankly at the wall on the other side of the room.

Mickey didnt care that Ian was half lying on top of him at all as he wrapped his arms around Ian tightly before softly kissing the top of Ian's head and breathing in the smell of his boyfriend. Mickey wouldnt say it but he loved it when Ian just draped himself over him whenever he could and he knew he done it to Ian too but nothing was ever said about it from either one of them because they both liked it and the other person knew it too.

Mickey let out a content sigh feeling the effects of the beer and weed he just smoked take over him while letting his eyes close feeling the body heat from Ian soaking into him threatening to make him fall asleep not that he cared. He knew when he was slightly high and with Ian half lying on top of him it was just too intoxicating and it made him relax so much even though he felt the hardness from the floor dig into his back.

Ian felt Mickey take a deep breath and slightly laughed knowing that his boyfriend was nearly asleep on the floor from the effects of the weed and beer so he pushed a little closer to Mickey almost smiling when Mickey tightened his grip and Ian knew Mickey wasnt letting him leave any time soon. Ian didnt care at all and he had a feeling that Mickey liked it when he lay on top of him so he just made himself comfortable as he got lost in his own thoughts.

Ian realized things had changed between them especially over the last few weeks since he saw Monica. Ian thought about that night when he asked Mickey to make him forget he was ever raped and Ian was suprised that he went through with it, he was suprised that he never asked Mickey to stop at all. Even though Mickey had told him to stop if he wanted Ian had decided that even if he did want to stop he wouldnt because he wanted Mickey to be the last person to ever have him that way.

But Ian noticed that he didnt want to stop, he didnt have the flashbacks he feared he would have during the act but then he realized he completely trusted his boyfriend. He trusted that Mickey would never hurt him intentionally or take advantage of him either and it made Ian feel bad for the freak out the next morning even though it was over the meds. But after that morning Ian felt like he had finally moved on from having those flashbacks of being drugged and raped.

Even though he couldnt remember much of the details he knew talking about it in therapy helped a lot, it helped him take the steps to trusting Mickey in that way and to start healing from his trauma. Ian felt that after that night with Mickey it was another step to him healing even further even though he was sure it would be a long time before the memory of the violation would fade.

But Ian knew Mickey helped a lot with it too, he listened to him talk about his insecurities, his fears, how he still struggled with being intimate and letting someone else have the control. Ian hated being so weak and letting another person see him that way but he knew Mickey would never betray that trust. He also knew that Mickey was the same with him and it just made him trust Mickey even more than he already did for a long time.

But Ian still had this fear that Mickey would leave him one day but he figured that fear probably came as a result of Monica constantly flitting in and out of his life since the day he was born. Ian he knew he had a deep fear of the people closet to him abandoning him when he needed them and his family already proved that fear to be correct and he knew if Mickey left then it would be the end of him for good.

He knew Mickey proved him wrong all the time and everytime Ian thought that this is the moment that Mickey leaves him for good Mickey adamantly tells him he isnt going anywhere and never will be as long as he lives. Ian wanted to make a joke when Mickey told him that but he was too lost for words to say anything so he just blushed and remained silent to which Mickey laughed at him for it and then all of his fear of Mickey leaving was gone.

Ian realized that he had told Mickey everything including the worst of what happened while he was away over the three years and Mickey just pulled him close and told him he wasnt going anywhere. But Ian was still scared, he was scared of losing who he was as a person, he was scared of changing to the point where not just Mickey but he didnt recognize who he was anymore.

Ever since that morning at the table when he admitted to not wanting to take his meds on some days he just found everything so hard, remaining stable felt hard but it was something he wanted a lot more because he didnt want to be like Monica. He didnt want to be running in and out of Mickey's life all the time like Monica did to him his whole life so it was why he decided to stay on the meds.

But Ian knew for Mickey he would try even though he needed to try for himself first but Ian knew Mickey just made everything so much easier and he hated himself for not coming home after Monica left him in that crackhouse after selling his phone for drugs. He hated himself for not knowing or realizing that Mickey wouldnt give a shit that he was bipolar.

He also regretted not coming back home sooner because if he did then he never would have been raped that night in New York. Ian just felt full of regrets and it was hard not to get stuck in a cycle of thinking about things he wished he could change. Even worse then that he was sick of thinking about his regrets all the time and didnt want to be here right now, he wanted to be out living his life like a normal person.

Ian shook himself from his thoughts lifting his head from Mickey's shoulder and looking up to see his boyfriend had his eyes closed. Ian slightly grinned before moving to fully lie on top of his boyfriend while resting on his elbows on each side of Mickey's head before softly kissing his boyfriend on the lips asking "you awake" softly. Mickey was lightly sleeping letting out a quiet laugh while fighting a smile replying "I am now" lightly. He felt Ian kiss him again asking "lets do something tonight" softly.

Mickey still kept his eyes closed as he moved a little so Ian was now lying between his legs replying "yeah like what" curiously. Ian kissed his boyfriend again not really thinking that far ahead before replying "I dont know, lets go out or something, get out of here for a while" not adding so I can stop thinking about shit I dont want to think about anymore.

Mickey rested his hand on Ian's lower back deciding he was really awake now before using his other hand to grab the back of Ian's head lightly tugging at the longish red hair as he kissed his boyfriend not really wanting to go anywhere right now as Ian was lying right on top of him and it was giving him ideas. Mickey didnt know what it was because he was high and sort of drunk but Ian lying on top of him and touching him all over was enough to make him want to stay on the floor with Ian forever but he didnt say that out loud.

But he also sort of agreed with Ian in that he wanted to get out of this place for a while even though he was torn between that and being wrapped up in Ian for the rest of the night. Mickey didnt know why he just wanted Ian all the time, didnt know why he couldnt stop looking at the redhead all the time even when Ian was busy doing other things in the apartment.

Mickey rested his hands on Ian's hips pulling him closer before pulling back a little from Ian's kisses blurting before he could stop it out "I love you Ian" softly. Ian stopped and looked at Mickey not even hiding the smile on his face replying "I know, I love you too" firmly. Mickey let out a content sigh as they both looked at each other silently before Mickey asked "so where do you want to go" curiously. Ian ran his fingers through Mickey's hair replying "to a bar or something" softly.

Mickey's mind flashed back to that particular conversation they had in the hospital replying "yeah alright but I want some food before we go, I'm fucking starving" lightly. Ian grinned at him "yeah smoking a joint will do that " before moving to stand up as he grabbed Mickey's hands in his own pulling his boyfriend up off the floor. Mickey stumbled forward into Ian at the quick movement wrapping his arms around him laughing "fuck you asshole" lightly. Ian hugged him tightly before replying "maybe later" before he walked over to the leftover food and put it in the microwave knowing Mickey was staring at him but he didnt care.

When he turned around he saw Mickey was staring at him and leaned against the counter slightly raising his eyebrow asking "like what you see" humoredly. Mickey scoffed walking over to Ian replying "something like that" lightly not adding always do but he knew Ian knew that so he wouldnt say that thought. Ian rolled his eyes as he took the food out of the microwave and they ate it silently while glancing at each other before getting ready to go out to a bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to leave it to your own imagination as to how they caught up and dealt with Monica. Anything I wrote I didn't like so I finally settled on what I had in this story. I find that you can write something and not like it and think its crap. Sometimes its best left to the imagination.


	21. Its a long way back from seventeen and the whispers turn into a scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Need to mention that in this story Ian never told his family he is gay until now.

Mickey was sitting on the sofa in the Milkovich house as Mandy came back from the kitchen with two bottles of beer and glass of water for Ian. She handed the bottle to Mickey before handing Ian his glass of water asking "is it really a good idea to go over there" curiously before she sat in the small armchair on the other side of the room facing her brother and her friend.

Ian looked down at his hands wishing he never agreed to it because he was nervous and he was afraid Fiona and the rest of his siblings would gang up on him and he hated that they made him feel that way. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he heard Mickey tell Mandy "probably not" firmly. Ian nodded in agreement mumbling "I agree" softly. They both heard him so Mandy narrowed her eyes at him not hiding her confusion asking "so why the fuck did you agree to it" lightly.

Mickey scoffed knowing that was also his response when Ian first told him about this dinner he agreed to with Fiona but he knew the only reason he agreed to go was because Ian told him he needed him there too. But Mickey knew he would have went anyway because there was no way he was letting Ian deal with his family on his own and he let Ian know it too.

Mickey also knew he would do anything for Ian which was why he was subjecting himself to an evening at the Gallaghers much to his own displeasure. Ian shrugged looking up at her mumbling "dont know, she said she wants to make amends, regrets how she handled me being bipolar and she looked like she meant it so it seemed like a good idea at the time" softly.

Mandy was sceptical and it showed in her voice replying "be careful Ian, in my experience people who say that shit always fuck up again eventually, you cant trust them" firmly. Mickey glared at his sister hating that she was hitting at Ian's insecurites snapping "shut the fuck up Mandy and leave him alone" angrily. Ian knew she was right and hating that she voiced his fears out loud tapping Mickey on the leg with his hand looking at him interjecting "hey its fine" softly.

Mickey looked at him as Ian added "she's got a point and I'm not stupid, I'm not rushing into this thinking they are going to treat me like they did before I left and the bipolar thing" firmly. Ian looked at Mandy telling her "I will be careful, I know they arent just going to forget everything and it will take a while to trust them again but thanks for looking out for me" firmly.

Mandy softly smiled looking at her friend replying "that's all I want you to do, I know you jump head first into everything but I'm just saying be careful, I dont want them to hurt you again" genuinely. Ian felt warm at Mandy's protectiveness and it made him happy that he had her on his side too and not just Mickey when he told her "thanks Mandy" firmly.

They fell into a comfortable silence and Ian felt those negative thoughts swell up in his brain making him feel more and more anxious about agreeing to this whole thing and he was tempted to call Fiona and tell her he couldnt make it to dinner. Ian put the glass of water on the floor beside him before he reached over and took the bottle of beer from his boyfriend and drank some of it hoping it would calm his nerves down as he wondered why he was so nervous.

Mickey noticed it and looked at Ian asking "the fucks up with you" curiously. Ian peeled off the label on the bottle to distract himself hesitantly replying "I dont know, think this was a bad idea, what if they just want to gang up on me" softly. Mandy interjected "got to face them sooner or later, rip off the band aid and all that shit" softly. Mickey looked at his boyfriend adding "got a fucking point there and tell them to shut the fuck up if they do start shit because if they do then I will if you wont" firmly.

Ian lazily shook his head before vaguely hearing Mickey and Mandy move onto another conversation but he couldnt focus on the words or pull himself out of his thoughts. Ian really didnt want to go now but he knew it was too late to cancel now. Then he also knew Mandy was right and that he needed to face his fears and stop running away all the time. He was so sick of being afraid and running away when things got real, it didnt get him anywhere but just left all alone and he hated it but it was hard to not let the anxiety and fear win every time.

But then he remembered he wasnt alone now because he had Mickey and Mandy on his side but he knew they were always on his side and it made reaching a decision much easier. Ian decided that it was time to stop running, it was time to stop being like Monica and deal with this situation and try and make it better and stop avoiding it because he was afraid. He was afraid his family would still judge him, would never look at him the same way again but he knew their attitude to him would never change until he actually voiced the thoughts in his head.

But there was still a fear he felt in going back to the house he hadnt been to in almost a whole year and he didnt want to face those painful memories. He was afraid he would fall back into those old habits and undo all the progress he made in his stability since he went into the hospital for the second time. He didnt know why he felt so much discomfort at the thought of going back to his old house, he didnt even consider it home anymore because home was in the apartment he shared with his boyfriend.

He felt safe there and felt like he could relax plus there was nobody walking around him on eggshells nervously waiting for his next break of mania, depression or psychosis and he even felt like that here in what was now Mandy and Iggy's house since Terry was dead. But now when he went to his old childhood home he felt cold all over and felt like an outsider or an imposter that didnt belong there ever since his disorder made its appearance.

And he didnt feel welcome there anymore ever since he had come back home from his first time in hospital and told his family he was bipolar things had never been the same again. Everything changed and he hated it and he just wished he never told them about his disorder because they wouldnt be treating him so differently right now. He knew they would have been angry with him for leaving for so long but they would have gotten over it eventually and things would be back to normal.

He decided he should have known better and never told them about his disorder because what they didnt know wouldnt hurt them and now they wouldnt be treating him so differently. He really wanted to drink some more beer but something told him that probably wasnt the best idea if he wanted a fresh start with his family.

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later Ian felt sick with anxiety even though dinner was just over but he just wanted to go home already because it just felt awkward. The conversation had been tense at worst and civil at best and Ian hated that the whole thing just felt so forced and he hated being under the scrutiny of his siblings. Debbie, Carl were the only ones who were glad he was back and they seemed to have forgiven him completely for leaving and also didnt give a shit about his disorder so for that he relaxed as they left the room to go upstairs.

It was just him and Mickey sat at the table with Fiona and Lip sitting across from them with accusative stares and Ian could almost hear the thoughts going around their heads. Ian hated the silence so pushed back a little in his chair and Fiona sensed he was going to leave as she looked at him telling him "I'm glad you came for dinner, its nice for you to be here again" firmly.

Ian glanced at Mickey before looking at his sister replying "guess so" not really believing his own answer. His brother just glanced at the two of them replying "so Fiona told me you live Northside now with Mickey of all people" lightly. Mickey who was glaring at him asked "the fucks that supposed to mean" icily. Ian interjected "nothing, he's just being an asshole" glaring at his brother.

Fiona looked at the three of them and not wanting a fight to break out asking "so Ian you going to move back home" as she looked at Ian. Ian looked at her and he knew she was trying to stop a fight breaking out even as he told her not even hesitating "no I'm not, got my own place with Mickey now" not adding that this place wasnt his home any more and hadnt been in a long time.

Lip wasnt having it looking at his brother "so youre living with Mickey of all people" disdainfully. Mickey decided to remain silent wondering how long his self restraint would last around this asshole but he figured it wouldnt be for long. Ian looked at his brother replying "yeah I am, whats it to you" icily. Fiona glanced between the two of them and changed the conversation looking at Ian asking "so Ian, you seeing anyone, meet anyone at the bar yet" curiously.

Ian looked at his sister and saw she was really trying to stop a fight from breaking out and he was relieved at that replying "yeah I am" as he looked at Mickey. Fiona smiled widely replying "that's great, when can we meet her" lightly. Mickey bit his lip stop himself from laughing and Ian slightly laughed as both of them remebered she didnt know her brother was gay so when Ian looked over at Mickey he muttered "just fucking tell her" softly.

Ian heard it and looked at his sister replying "actually I never told you before but I'm gay and the person I'm seeing is Mickey but you cant tell anyone outside of this house, we dont want anyone else to know just in case" firmly. Ian heard his brother scoff in disgust at what he wasnt sure but heard Fiona replying "I dont give a shit about you being gay just once youre happy, both of you I mean it and I wont say anything to anyone either, just be careful around this shithole okay, both of you" firmly as she looked between Mickey and Ian.

Mickey almost sighed in relief but then he remembered that he promised Ian he wouldnt keep Ian a secret to those who mattered but considering the way Lip was glaring at them he thought there may be a problem brewing. He only had that thought when Lip glared at Ian asking "youre seeing a Milkovich of all people and how did I never know about you being gay" loudly.

Ian rolled his eyes replying "because I never told you, I told Mickey who is my best friend and why would I tell you" firmly. Lip shook his head replying "because I'm your brother" not hiding the hurt from his voice and expression. Ian wanted to say I didnt tell you because I dont trust you but instead just said "well I'm telling you now" softly. Lip wasnt having it pointing at Mickey while glaring at his brother "you do know his family is a bunch of homophobic assholes, were you both fucking when Terry was alive and before you left" angrily.

Ian bit his lip and quickly looked over at Mickey to see his boyfriend looking back at him also trying to hide a smile on his face. Lip put it together and scoffed "you fucking were, how did I not know this" angrily but he wasnt sure who he was angry at, himself for missing it or at Ian for not telling him about it. Fiona glared at Lip hating he had to know everyone's business interjecting "because they didnt tell you and its not your fucking business that's why you didnt know" angrily.

Ian glared at his brother replying "and no they arent homophobic assholes, its just Terry so shut the fuck up" icily. Lip glared at him blurting out "did he have something to do with why you left with Monica" angrily. Ian looked up at him replying "no I left because I wanted to, I am able to make my own choices and decisions" firmly. Lip scoffed "not good ones since you fucking left with Monica for three years" icily.

Mickey wasnt having it glaring back at him as he snapped "shut the fuck up asshole" angrily. Lip glared at him "bet you didnt even try to stop him leaving did you" coldly. Mickey kept a blank expression almost shouting "its not my job to stop him, he can make his own decisions and anyway since when do you even give a fuck, you didnt even call him over the three years he was gone or over the last six months to see if he was even alive, you didnt even give him a second fucking thought until Fiona told you he was back the other day because you thought you were too good for this shithole now that youre a fucking college boy so dont sit there and fucking judge me or Ian you fucking asshole" angrily. It had the effect he was going for since Lip just remained quiet for once not having a word to say.

Fiona just looked guilty and ashamed not hiding the hurt in her voice blurting out sadly "Ian I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry for being such an asshole, I never should have turned my back on you, I never should have let Monica get between us like that" softly. Fiona really hated herself for that, for being another Monica in her own way as she left the table and went to the fridge for a bottle of beer wiping the tears from her eyes with her hand.

She sat back down taking a drink from the bottle not hiding the sadness in her voice "I fucked up just like her, we're all like her in some fucking way and its worse for you Ian because you got the worst of it and you dont deserve it, it should have been me" softly. Ian looked at her and didnt have it in him to make her feel better but saw she meant it blurting out "you know it hurt that you did that, I'm not Monica, I'm not my disorder, I hate that you just see Monica and not me, I've been stable for the best part of a year now, that is more than Monica ever did" softly.

Fiona looked at him beaming with pride "that's great Ian, I'm so fucking happy for you, at least one of us has got our shit together" proudly. Ian softly smiled looking down at his hands resting on his lap under the table. He felt the anxiety and urge to run start to kick in but he didnt want to run especially when he felt Mickey grab his hand under the table and it made him relax.

Ian felt stronger now and kept going looking at his sister trying to keep the emotion out of his voice "do you know how much it hurt the way you treated me when I came back and told you I was bipolar, you both know you looked at me differently and treated me like I was about to break, I'm not some child, I dont need a fucking nurse and I dont need you both walking around waiting for me to lose my shit or be in bed for weeks or have a psychotic break, I'm just me, I dont need to be fixed and I'm not broken, how can I be broken when its part of me" firmly not adding he struggled with that every day and Mickey was the only one who saw that struggle.

Fiona looked at him with sad eyes hating that she just didnt know what to do replying "I'm sorry for that and I dont know how much I can keep saying it" softly. Lip muttered "I'm fucking not, he needs to be monitored, you want another Monica slitting her wrists over dinner incident" icily. They all heard it but Mickey was the first to respond "the fuck did you just say, say that again and I'll knock your fucking teeth out" angrily.

Mickey only calmed down a little when he felt Ian lightly squeeze his hand under the table and he was glad for it because he was going to commit murder if Ian's brother wasnt careful. Lip kept looking at Ian replying "you can do so much better Ian" icily. Ian looked at his brother replying "you dont know him like I do so shut the fuck up" firmly. Lip wasnt having it smugly replying "bet you didnt tell him about that did you, have your meds crapped out on you yet, you know he will leave when they do, when he sees you at your worst and you cant get out of bed for weeks or go batshit crazy and try to kill someone during a hallucination then he will leave, they all do Ian, just look at Monica, even we dont want her and she's our mother" icily.

Ian glared at his brother with a blank expression hating that Lip was playing on his worst insecurites but he had told Mickey about that incident, he had told him about the highs, the lows, the hallucinations, the psychosis and Mickey still didnt leave so Lip's words didnt have the desired effect. Ian hoped his wavering emotions didnt show in his voice blurting out "actually I did tell him and he has seen me at my worst, he knows everything and he stayed but yet I seem to remember you were the one that left, decided you could do better by dissappearing to college for good when I came back, youre only here right now because Fiona asked you to come, you wouldnt be here if she didnt make you and you know it, so dont sit there and tell me Mickey will leave when you are just as bad as Monica" firmly.

That was something Mickey had thought for a long time and when Lip didnt have an answer to that Mickey angrily muttered "yeah fucking knew it" icily. Lip glared at him smugly replying "got something to say" coldly. Mickey glared back at him "no Ian just said it for me and I hate to repeat myself" coldly. Fiona was leaning back in her chair hating that it had descended to this, this wasnt was she wanted right now.

She was trying to make things right with Ian and Lip had to fuck it up so she snapped at him "can you just shut the fuck up, I didnt ask Ian here to be critizsed by you, I asked him here because I want him back in our fucking lives so stop making shit worse" angrily. Lip looked at her not hiding the hurt in his voice replying "if he gave a shit why the fuck didnt he call us over the three years he fucking left, he fucking left again for six months and not one fucking phone call so why the fuck should we be sorry, why the fuck should we have to call him when he made it clear he didnt want to be around us" angrily.

Fiona snapped shouting "because we treated him like fucking shit instead of fucking supporting him and listening to what he wanted and called him another Monica to his fucking face instead of giving him a fucking chance you fucking asshole" angrily. A tense silence fell in the room and Ian looked down at the table before Fiona added "we pushed him away and we shouldnt have done that" not adding that she hated herself for pushing Ian away when he needed her the most.

There was another silence as Fiona shook her head and took a drink of beer and pulled at the label on the bottle not hiding the sadness in her voice "I pushed him away and I regret it, I raised every one of you when Monica clearly didnt give a shit and when Ian needed me the most I turned my back on him because I was scared and didnt know what to do, it shouldnt have been up to to him to call us, we should have called him" softly.

Fiona scoffed in disbelief at her actions before looking up at Ian blurting out sadly "I failed you and I know you'll never forgive me for it but know that I'm fucking sorry" softly. Ian looked up at her and saw from her tear stained face that she meant it and shook his head blurting out "I accept your apology but it will be a long time before I can trust you again" firmly. The silence was broken when a voice interrupted "we all failed you Ian and I'm sorry too" firmly.

They all looked over to the stairs to see Debbie and Carl sitting on the stairs and Fiona slightly panicked "how much of that did you hear" curiously. Debbie stood up and walked down the rest of the stairs and into the kitchen adding "all of it, we heard shouting so came down to see what was happening" firmly. Fiona rubbed her face with her hand tiredly blurting "fuck you were never meant to hear all that" softly.

Debbie rolled her eyes replying "we're only a few years younger than Ian, we're old enough so stop treating us like kids because we arent and maybe that's your problem Fiona so start treating us like adults for a change" firmly. Ian shook his head looking at his red-head sister replying "it would be a start" lightly. Fiona softly laughed running her hand through her hair replying "fine" shaking her head not knowing what else to say.

Debbie looked at Ian blurting out "sorry for counting your meds all the time, I was just worried about you, I only did it so I could relax and not worry" sincerely. Ian didnt have it in him to tell her he was flushing them so just shook his head replying "thanks" softly. Carl scoffed "I got nothing to be sorry for, I was the only one who treated him normally" firmly. Ian laughed replying "yeah that's true" knowing that it was the truth and that Carl never once saw that disorder, he just saw his brother Ian and that was it.

Another less awkward silence fell and Ian just wanted to go home and it was nearly time to take his night time meds soon so he lightly squeezed Mickey's hand and looked at his boyfriend hoping Mickey got the hint that he wanted to leave. Mickey looked at Ian and saw he wanted to leave which he didnt mind because he wanted to leave too because he was sick of Lip's dirty looks so stood up blurting out "yeah got to work in an hour so we need to leave" firmly before walking to the front door.

Ian followed him and hugged Debbie and Carl before walking to the front door when he was stopped by Fiona who pulled him in for a hug asking "we'll keep in touch this time" curiously. Ian stepped out of the hug shaking his head replying "yeah we will" softly before turning and walking outside and shutting the door behind him closed.

 

* * *

 

 

He walked down the steps and out the gate to where Mickey was smoking a cigarette on the footpath not hiding his concern asking "you okay" curiously. Ian looked up from the ground at his boyfriend replying "not really, should never have never told them I was bipolar" softly. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's shoulder before letting drop replying "they would have found out eventually, how long can you hide taking meds for" softly.

Ian saw his point replying "yeah I know" softly. Ian ran his hand through hair before laughing "that went well didnt it, they fucking hate me now" tiredly. Mickey slightly laughed out of nervousness too knowing that Ian's family never thought much of him either replying "yeah well they hate me more and that in there fucking proved it, I made you look good so youre okay because they fucking hate me just by name alone, everyone around here does" firmly.

Ian didnt really feel any better but he felt a little calmer shaking his head replying "not me but yeah just glad I to say what I needed to say, you know my therapist has been pushing me to talk to them" softly. Mickey slightly raised his eyebrows at Ian before muttering "yeah think she fucking knows it all like your brother" sarcastically. Ian full on laughed replying "yeah but she actually knows what she is talking about, my asshole brother doesnt but likes to think he does and that's the difference" humouredly.

As they started to walk down the street Mickey scoffed "fucking right it is" lightly. Ian actually felt lighter after unloading all of what he needed to say and he knew his therapist was right in that to move on he needed to tell his family how he felt about the way they treated him over his diagnosis. Ian reached over and took the cigarette out of Mickey's mouth and inhaled it before handing it back to his boyfriend blurting out "so we getting high later since its our night off" curiously.

Mickey took it off him and finished the cigarette off before throwing it on the ground replying "yeah but you know as well as I do those meds youre on right now make you fall asleep so I guess it will be just me getting high on my own and you falling asleep on top of me" humoredly. Ian knew it was true and scoffed looking at his boyfriend's amused expression blurting out "fuck you asshole, I dont hear you complaining about it" lightly before lightly pushing Mickey by the shoulder.

Mickey just laughed knowing it was true and pushed Ian back blurting out "what, you know its the truth " lightly. Mickey mercilessly teased Ian about his meds for the rest of the way back home to their apartment and Ian decided he never felt so normal in his life as they both laughed the whole way back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to explain my thoughts a little more on the end of this chapter. Mickey isn't being malicious to Ian about his meds. I just wanted Ian to feel comfortable and okay with his disorder in that he is able to laugh about it with Mickey. I know for some it may be a bit much but I make fun of my anxiety all the time and its other people that get awkward. So I hope I didn't offend anyone with the end of this chapter because I don't think I went too far and if I did then I'm sorry.


	22. Save your breath I'm bored to death and fading fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ian's got a secret. Mickey thinks Ian wants to break up with him but Mandy talks some sense into him and tells to talk to Ian and stop annoying her.

Mickey walked into Mandy's house and slammed the door shut behind him calling out "Mandy" as he walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and opened it as he heard "in here asshole" loudly. Mickey drank some of his beer before walking into the living area and sitting on the sofa beside his sister feeling frustrated at just walking out on Ian after another one of their fights.

He hated himself even more because he was afraid Ian thought he had left for good when all he needed was some space and he knew Ian did too. Mandy looked from the TV to her brother seeing something was wrong asking "the fucks up with you, where's Ian" curiously. Mickey let out a tired sigh looking at the TV screen "he's around" evasively. Mandy looked worried asking "the fuck do you mean by that, is he okay" firmly.

Mickey looked at her hating that he made her worry too replying "he's fine, his meds are fine" softly. Mickey looked at the bottle of beer in his hand and picked at the label with his fingers hesitantly blurting out before he could stop it "nothing's wrong or at least I dont think so" shyly. Mandy looked over at him and seeing the lost look on his face decided not to make a joke so told him "you know you can talk to me right, I told you that so the fuck's up with you and dont lie, I know something is, it has been for a few weeks, everything okay with Ian" softly.

Mickey shrugged his shoulders not even knowing how to answer it blurting out "we've just be fighting a lot lately" not adding that he hated they were fighting and arguing over stupid shit that wasnt worth any fight at all. Mandy turned in her seat to face her brother blurting out "why are you fighting, thought things were good now that Monica's gone and he's on good terms with Fiona and his family" lightly.

Mickey raised his eyebrows not looking at her because if he did he wouldnt be able to continue this conversation at all. Ever since he came home from the hospital and Terry died he had gotten close to his sister when she told him he could talk to her about anything because Terry and his Milkovich's dont talk about feelings rule was bullshit. Mickey was used to talking to Ian but he liked having someone else to talk to who he could trust and he didnt care that it was his sister because he didnt have anyone else except Ian.

But he wanted to talk about Ian so Mandy would have to do so he told her "they are but lately I've noticed something is bothering him, even at work they noticed a change in his attitude, I dont think he's happy anymore" falling silent before adding "I think he wants to leave again" in a whisper. Mandy moved forward a little still looking at him knowing her brother was thinking the worst again asking "hold on, has he actually said he wants to leave" firmly.

Mickey scoffed biting the inside of his thumb muttering "fuck should I know but I know he does" not adding he has that same look in his eyes now like he did before he left three years ago. Mandy hesitated asking "dont tell me Monica is back" disdainfully. Mickey shook his head replying "no she isnt or at least I dont think she is, Ian would have have said if she was" firmly not adding that Ian would be distraught at her showing up again.

Mickey bit his lip anxiously blurting out "maybe I should break up with him if its what he wants, he wont do it to me so I'll do it for him" even though they both promised the other they would never leave. Mandy smacked him across the back of his head "no you fucking wont do that" angrily. Mickey grabbed the back of his head rubbing at the sore spot glaring at his sister shouting "the fuck you do that for" angrily.

Mandy growled "at your fucking stupidity, something is obviously wrong with him so fucking talk to him asshole" icily. Mickey drank some of his beer before mumbling "he's been cagey with me for weeks, he wont talk" firmly as he thought coming here was a mistake. Mandy shook her head blurting out as if it was obvious "so make him talk" firmly. Mickey didnt know how to tell her it was hard for him to talk about things and it was why he always fucked everything up and he hated it but he didnt know how to change the habit of a lifetime. Mickey ignored his sister and drank some more of his beer before asking "Iggy got any good weed lying around" curiously.

Mandy smirked as she got up and left the room and when she came back she threw a small bag of weed at her brother telling him "Iggy left that for you, its good shit too" as she sat back down. They fell into a silence as they watched the TV but Mickey just got lost in his own thoughts about what to do over Ian. Mickey was afraid the way they were going with arguing, avoiding each other and not talking would definately end in a break up which he never wanted to happen.

But he didnt know how it got this bad, he knew Ian wasnt one for talking especially when pushed so he left it in the hope Ian would talk when he was ready. But Ian never talked and it just got worse because Mickey knew something was wrong but he didnt know how to voice his concerns to Ian without an argument. Mickey was so scared of losing Ian and he knew if they kept this radio silence between the two of them up then they would definately break up.

Mickey didnt want that to happen so he decided to go home and stood up blurting out "going home now" as he shoved the bag of weed in his pocket. Mandy looked up at him telling him "good luck" firmly. Mickey shook his head and bit his lip before walking to the front door when he heard Mandy shout "and give him a fucking chance to talk" loudly. Mickey was nearly at the door and turned around with a confused expression and raised eyebrow asking "the fuck's that supposed to mean" loudly.

Mandy rolled her eyes again replying "we're Milkoviches, we dont exactly give people a chance to fucking talk and Ian like us is not much for talking so give him a chance okay" firmly. She hesitated adding "dont lose something good because of Terry's fucked up thinking okay" firmly. Mickey bit his lip feeling the anxiety creep in knowing Mandy was right and he heard the underlying message in her words replying "yeah okay" softly.

Mandy looked happy with her answer replying "and shut the fucking door behind you asshole and quit annoying me" loudly. Mickey scoffed and raised his middle finger at her before opening the door and leaving it wide open letting the cold air into the house to piss Mandy off. It worked as he heard her shout after him "fuck you asshole" before he heard the door slam shut. Mickey left the house feeling slightly better that he pissed Mandy off for once.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey got into his apartment and seeing it was empty called out "hey Ian you home" loudly. There was no reply and he knew Ian wasnt home so he just got some chocolate from the press beside the fridge and ate it on the sofa while watching some movie on TV but also hoping Ian would come home soon so they could talk. It was few hours later when Ian came home and went straight to their bedroom to get changed and Mickey watched Ian walk into their room and shut the door behind him.

Mickey thought this fighting and avoiding each other thing was stupid and he was going to do something about it so followed Ian into the room and pushed the door open to see Ian getting changed in the middle of the room. Mickey leaned against the doorway looking at Ian who had his back to him while he got changed asking "the fucks up with you" firmly. Ian kicked off his jeans and grabbed his tracksuit bottoms and pulled them on replying "nothing" firmly.

Mickey wasnt having it shaking his head trying his best to stay calm "so why the fuck are you avoiding me then, I know you are since youre hardly ever fucking home anymore and I know you arent with Fiona or Mandy" lowly. Both of them knew he was right because Ian still didnt trust Fiona and he was still hurt over they way she turned her back on him even though she explained she was scared.

But Ian didnt know how to move past that hurt and resentment towards his family because he just thought they hated him since they never called to even see if he was still alive. He also knew he probably should have called them but he was scared too and Ian hated that his own brother just decided that it was up to Ian to call them if he needed help. Ian pulled off the tshirt he was wearing and reached for an old one that was lying on the bed that he was sure belonged to his boyfriend but he loved wearing it so put it on.

Ian pulled the shirt down over his body turning around glaring at his boyfriend blurting out before he could stop it "you want to ask if I'm taking my meds or if I'm cheating on you" hating himself for saying those words. Mickey crossed his arms over his chest narrowing his eyes at Ian replying "fuck you asshole, I wasnt even thinking that, it never crossed my fucking mind and fuck you for thinking I thought that" angrily.

Ian slightly shook his head and looked down at the ground hoping Mickey didnt see the relief on his face but he didnt know how to tell his boyfriend the truth, that he quit his job and was looking for another job which was why he was never home. Ian hated he was pushing Mickey away over the last few weeks with each sentence that came out of his mouth mumbling "you want to break up with me dont you" more a statement than a question.

Mickey pushed himself off the doorway and stepped closer to Ian not hiding the confusion from his face "no and why the fuck would you think that" softly. Ian shrugged mumbling "dont know" not adding because you would if I told you the truth. Mickey looked at Ian all over and he knew Ian was hiding something especially since he found out Ian hadnt been at work in over a week.

Mickey hating the tension building in the room rubbed his face with his hand in frustration deciding Mandy was right in that they needed to talk before this just kept getting worse and Mickey would lose Ian for good. There was tense silence before Mickey spoke up "I know you havent been at work for over a week so I know something is wrong and I'm not fucking leaving until you tell me" firmly.

Ian's head snapped up and he wasnt able to hide the shock on his face hesitantly replying "I know, something happened so I quit" softly. Mickey scoffed "no shit Ian, you think I wouldnt find out and dont fucking lie to me, I know you lied because our boss asked if you were okay after the incident and I was just standing there like a fucking idiot saying you were when you werent so fuck you for not telling me" angrily.

Ian glared at Mickey thinking he didnt have to tell him anything before storming out of the room clipping Mickey on the shoulder as he walked past him replying "I dont have to fucking tell you anything" icily. Mickey bit his lip angrily shaking his head before following Ian out of the room and into the kitchen where Ian was raiding the fridge for food and didnt hide the hurt in his voice when he blurted out "I'm not mad about that, I'm mad you lied and that I had to find out from some other asshole that you quit in the middle of shift because one of the regulars wouldnt leave you alone" softly not adding why didnt you tell me some asshole was bothering you all the time at work.

Ian took some food out of the fridge stumbling on his words "it wasnt like that and I'm sorry" closing the fridge door before he put the food down on the worktop. Ian hated himself for not telling his boyfriend what happened but he thought he would have found another job by now but he had absolutly no luck over which meant he would have to go back to work at the bar.

Mickey bit his lip before tugging his hair with his hand in frustration stumbling over the words "Ian just fucking talk to me will you, we have to talk" pleadingly but not adding he was scared they were heading towards a break up. Ian was looking at his hands resting on the counter shaking his head replying "yeah I know" softly. Ian really hated that he was fighting with his boyfriend when it had nothing to do with Mickey at all and he hated that Mickey was probably blaming himself for their fights.

Ian felt like a break up was coming but he knew Mickey would never do it so he forced himself to turn around but still looked at the floor asking "you want to break up" not hiding the sadness in his voice and hoping the answer would be a firm no. Mickey looked confused but felt glad Ian got straight to the point asking "no I told you that but do you" feeling like he was going to be sick as his mind thought this is it, this is when Ian decided he wants to leave.

Ian felt relief wash over him almost smiling as he looked at his boyfriend "good because I dont, I dont even know how it got like this" firmly. Mickey moved a little closer resting his hand on Ian's shoulder replying "okay so not breaking up, I'm so fucking glad, you had me fucking worried so much" lightly. Ian mumbled "sorry" softly. Mickey reached for Ian's hand adding "but Ian something is wrong, and its not your meds, I know youre not happy, I can feel it and see it, things havent been okay in weeks" softly.

Ian slightly nodded biting his lip feeling the sting of tears in his eyes looking at Mickey hesitantly blurting out "I am happy with you, I'm just not with everything else" softly. Mickey didnt say anything silently looking at Ian who leaned against the counter looking at the floor hesitantly blurting out "I think I hate my job and its the assholes like the other week make it worse just....fuck I dont know....it just got too much because I dont like random people touching me, I hate it so I quit" in whisper.

Ian looked off to the side adding "so I've been looking for another one which is why I'm never home but I dont have any experience or qualifications and I've no work references so I'm screwed" in a defeated tone. Mickey stepped closer to Ian hating he didnt know that Ian felt all of this and that he didnt know about those assholes at the bar replying "I'm going fucking kill those assholes" angrily.

Ian softly smiled to himself looking up replying "they make not want to work there anymore but I have to pay for these stupid fucking meds which means I have to go back at the bar or at the Fairytale, its all I'm good for isnt it" angrily. Mickey didnt miss the sadness laced with anger and hurt in Ian's voice and stood directly in front of Ian rubbing his hand up and down Ian's arm replying "why the fuck didnt you tell me that, I can get you money to pay for the meds while you look for something else, I'll get Iggy to run some scams and he'll do it, you dont have to go back to the bar or the club" firmly.

Ian looked up at him blurting out "I have to go back and probably to the fairytale too because I need the money, the meds just keep getting more expensive and its not fair you have to pay for this place while I freeload off you" softly. Mickey scoffed "who the fuck said your freeloading" loudly. Ian shrugged his shoulder replying "no one but I've always worked and had a job and it feels like I'm only good enough for the clubs and bars, just another twink right, they think its all I'm good for" not hiding the self-hatred in his voice.

Mickey stepped closer grabbing the back of Ian's neck with his hand muttering "youre not some fucking twink to me so shut the fuck up" icily. Ian softly laughed looking up at his boyfriend hesitantly asking "really" not hiding the brokeness in his voice. Mickey didnt miss it either replying "really and I mean it and youre not going back to the club, we'll sort something out, I'll see if I can get you your job back at the bar" firmly.

Ian silently looked at Mickey letting out a shaky sigh of relief muttering "I really dont want to go back to the club but if I have to" as the sentence fell away. Mickey stepped closer leaning his whole body against Ian resting his hands on his hips asking "what happened that day, the day you quit" curiously. Ian shifted a little on the spot looking at the floor hesitantly blurting out "just some assholes that were in the bar after they finished work, said they recognized me from the fairytale" softly.

Mickey froze tightening his grip on Ian asking "they fuck did they do, they better not have touched you" icily. Ian looked up at his boyfriend replying "I tried to ignore them but one of them got handsy so I punched him, our boss wasnt happy that I punched a regular but he was willing to let it go because the asshole deserved it, said it was about time it happened" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "good, it means I wont have to punch the asshole but I might anyway" lightly.

Ian pulled at his hair with his hand and then resting it on Mickey's side replying "I dont hate it, I mean I liked it when you were on the same shift and for the money but it was uncomfortable when it was busy and I was on my own but that day I had enough and well you know the rest" softly. A silence fell before Ian mumbled "if you want me to go I can since I cant help with the rent and stuff" shyly.

Mickey lightly punched Ian on the shoulder with his fist replying "fuck no, even if you werent here I still just about have enough to pay for all that shit, might have to steal some food if we have to because money will be a bit tight for a while but we can go to Mandy and Iggy's and eat all their shit or whatever" firmly. Ian laughed shaking his head in disbelief looking at his boyfriend "really, I dont think she would let that happen" lightly.

Mickey rolled his eyes replying "well you distract her and I'll sneak in the back and steal it, she'll never know it was us" humourdely. Ian silently looked at Mickey slighty shaking his head hating himself for the last few weeks before wrapping his arms around Mickey's shoulders and burying his face in his shoulder hugging him tightly whispering "I'm sorry for being an asshole the last few weeks, I was just stressed out about not being able to get another job" softly.

Mickey hugged Ian back standing right up against him resting his hand on the back of Ian's head and burying his face in Ian's neck breathing in his smell as the relief washed over him that they were back on good terms again. Mickey rubbed his other hand up and down Ian's back replying "I'll let you away with it this time, next time I wont go so fucking easy on you for pulling this shit" firmly. He felt Ian shake his head against his shoulder as Ian mumbled "I know" softly.

Ian felt nothing but relief because over the last few weeks he just felt so scared and miserable especially since he seemed to be pushing the only person he wanted around him away. Mickey rested his forehead against Ian's forehead looking down at his feet hating himself for hesitantly blurting out "you scared me over the last few weeks, thought you wanted to leave me again" shyly. Ian froze and hated himself even more for making his boyfriend feel that way replying "I'm sorry for making you feel like that" sincerely.

Ian finally looked up making eye contact with Mickey adding "thought you would want to leave me if you knew the truth, I know its stupid but I get so insecure sometimes" softly. Mickey saw Ian's sad expression and didnt have it into him to snap at his boyfriend replying "I dont ever want to leave you, told you I never would and I meant it so stop pushing me away okay, just fucking talk to me the next time you have shit happening" firmly.

Ian softly smiled not looking away slightly shaking his head replying "okay and I dont want to leave you either" softly. Ian hugged Mickey again hating himself for being an idiot, he should have known that Mickey would understand and not give a shit but he knew it was probably pride getting in the way which led to this moment right now. They stayed there in the embrace silently before Ian blurted out "I'm hungry" softly.

Mickey laughed when he heard Ian's stomach rumble replying "yeah I can hear it, kind of hungry too" softly. Ian looked at him asking "we okay now" curiously. Mickey softly smiled replying "course we fucking are" firmly. Ian hesitantly asked "if I make you dinner will you forgive me for being an asshole" lightly. Mickey full on laughed replying "why the fuck not" not adding that he already forgave his boyfriend.

When they were sitting on the sofa eating their food watching a show on TV Mickey lightly elbowed Ian in the ribs and when Ian looked at him he blurted out "I already forgave you when you apologized" firmly. Ian shook his head and looked down at his nearly empty plate when he felt Mickey grab his hand and looked up again when Mickey added "dont make yourself feel like shit over this, its done and forgotten about, it worked out okay didnt it" firmly.

Ian shook his head knowing it was hard for him to stop thinking about stuff but with this he would try replying "yeah" firmly. When they finished eating their food Mickey grabbed the plates and took them over to the kitchen and dumped them in the sink and grabbed a bottle of beer and glass of water before sitting back down beside Ian and handed him his glass of water.

Ian drank some of the water before putting the glass on the table and leaned against Mickey's side realizing just how much he missed this over the last few weeks. He knew there and then he never wanted these few weeks to ever happen again so silently vowed to himself that he would never let things get this bad because he was miserable over the last few weeks and he knew his boyfriend was too.

Ian knew it was all his own fault and he had no one else to blame but himself but he wouldnt let it happen again because the misery he felt over the last few weeks wasnt worth it at all. Mickey glanced over at Ian to see he was in a world of his own so he put his arm over Ian shoulders blurting out "come here asshole" affectionately. Ian leaned into it and rested his head on Mickey's shoulder blurting out "I dont know what I'm going to do now" hesitantly.

Mickey gripped Ian tightly replying "like I said I'll try and get you your job back so dont worry about it" firmly. Ian silently stared at the TV screen while hugging his boyfriend not able to stop sadly blurting out "you'll still want me even those these night time meds will make me fall asleep really quickly" softly. Mickey pulled Ian closer to him and used his other hand to rub Ian's arm that was resting over him replying "I will, I always fucking want you" sincerely.

Ian didnt even have to look at his boyfriend to know he meant what he said replying "me too" softly. Mickey just watched the show on TV as he felt Ian relax against him and he knew it wouldnt be long until Ian fell asleep and Mickey knew he never wanted to be anywhere else but here with Ian in their apartment. Ian felt the tiredness wash over him and just waited until he fell asleep on the sofa in the one place he knew wanted to be for the rest of his life and he knew he didnt want to be anywhere else but right here in their apartment with Mickey.


	23. I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ian finally knows just how much him leaving affected Mickey

It was well after midnight when Mickey got back from his shift the bar which dragged so slowly Mickey thought time itself had stopped at one point. All he wanted to do was go home and go to bed to sleep buried under the covers with his boyfriend. Things were now much better between them since they had cleared the air and Ian admitted he was unhappy with some areas of his life.

Ian never did go back to his job at the bar because he hated being there so much even when he would be working at the same time as his boyfriend. Ian hated all the stares he would get sometimes and he knew the stares came from people who had seen him working in the fairytale before he went into the hospital. He couldnt deal with the whispers and the touches and gropes from people who thought they had a right to touch him and he decided he didnt have to put up with it anymore.

Even though Mickey would miss working with Ian he knew it wasnt good for Ian to work in a place that just bought back bad memories and he was also getting sick of people annoying his boyfriend at the bar. But he also knew Ian leaving his job was the right thing to do since Ian told him he couldnt move on from his past if he kept working at the bar. Mickey didnt care if Mandy said it was unhealthy for them to be around each other all the time because he liked being around Ian all the time.

He thought he had already spent six months in a room with Ian at the hospital so why would working together and living together make any difference. Mickey knew that Ian was his best friend and boyfriend all rolled up into one and he didnt care if they were around each other all day every day because they hardly ever fought and he liked being in Ian's company and he also knew the same was true for Ian. But all he wanted was for Ian to be happy even though Ian was still struggling to be happy with working at the bar.

He just decided to let Ian do what he needed to do and he would just get over it hoping that Ian would get to a place where he felt comfortable around people again. Mickey couldnt blame Ian for disliking the bar at times considering he knew the full extent of what Ian had been through and why Ian generally disliked bars and clubs. They were full of bad memories for Ian and while Mickey loved working with Ian he knew that his boyfriend was still struggling with unwanted memories even if he never said anything out loud.

While Ian kept looking for a job elsewhere Mickey kept his promise on making sure Ian had enough money to pay for his meds and therapy. Mickey ran some scams with Mandy and Iggy and also Ian since he demanded to be let in on the scams since it was him that needed the money. With all them involved they managed to scrape enough money together so Ian pay for his meds and his therapy with a little money left over too.

He was glad that Ian eventually did get a different job at a small family owned gym that were willing to employ him and also train him as a personal trainer since he had no qualifications but they liked his enthusiasm. Mickey had noticed that Ian started working out again after he finished working and seeing the change in his boyfriend he knew that it was something Ian needed to do for his own wellbeing.

Mickey almost wished Ian had left the bar sooner because he hated that Ian was unhappy all along and he didnt know about it either. Another bonus for him was that Ian started working out regularly and got lean and he wasnt complaining since Ian looked better than ever and wasnt worrying about weight gain due to the medications side effects. At first Mickey didnt know why Ian wanted to work out and change his diet but Ian told him it was because he was worried he was starting to gain unwanted weight due to the side effects of the medications.

Mickey knew that was one of Ian's fears so just told him he still loved him anyway and Ian looked happier in himself so he couldnt complain. All night at the bar all Mickey could think was that it all felt too easy and he didnt really know what to do about it, he was trying not to fall into his usual habit of overthinking things and being generally negative. But he didnt know how to be anything else when all his life everything he ever touched fell to pieces and turned to dust and blew away in the wind.

He didnt know what he was expecting to happen now that he didnt have to look over his shoulder anymore. It had been over a year since he left the hospital with Ian, moved into their own apartment and since Terry was killed in prison. He thought things were great between him and Ian even though they still fought and argued but they quickly got over it both of them knowing they just wanted each other much more than some stupid fight.

At first Mickey kept a close eye on Ian when he got his new job but he could tell that Ian was trying to move on from the past and it made him admire Ian in some way. But something else was bothering him, he wondered why everything felt so easy and he couldnt shake that feeling that something was wrong. Mickey stood at the sink in their apartment drinking a full glass of water before putting the empty glass in the sink.

He walked over to their bedroom and he still felt a little weird that this was their apartment because he never thought he would get to share anything with anyone especially Ian. He pushed the door open and leaned against the doorway of their bedroom silently looking at Ian who was cocooned under the covers in the darkness but Mickey could still see him as the light in their apartment shone into their room.

Mickey felt like something was going to happen and he didnt like that uneasy feeling he always had every now and again and he knew Ian had those moments too but not as much. Mickey flicked off the lightswitch on the wall beside him before stepping into the room and shutting the door quietly behind him before getting undressed and climbing into the bed under the covers.

When he lay down facing Ian he realized how tired he was and moved closer to Ian who stirred "when did you get home" sleepily. Mickey lightly smiled feeling glad to be home pushing himself right up against Ian replying "a few minutes ago" softly. Ian wrapped his arms around him replying "time is it" softly. Mickey moved a little to make himself more comfortable pushing his leg between Ian's mumbling "two am" tiredly rubbing his face on the pillow letting his eyes close.

Ian let out a breath resting his forehead against Mickey's replying "missed you" softly. Mickey softly laughed blurting out "missed you too, can we go the fuck to sleep now, I'm tired" sleepily. Mickey could feel Ian's warm breath hit his face when the redhead softly laughed replying "sure" softly. They didnt say anymore as they both quickly fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When Sunday which was both their day off came around Mickey couldnt keep his thoughts to himself anymore because they had been getting worse all week. Mickey was sitting on the sofa drinking a bottle of beer not really paying much attention to movie. Ian was sitting beside him with his legs stretched out resting on the small table in front of them not aware of the whirlwind of thoughts going through Mickey's head.

Mickey finished off his beer and moved forward to put the empty bottle on the table before sitting back and resting his hand on Ian's thighs rolling the fabric of Ian's jeans between his fingers blurting out before he could stop it "this feels too easy" softly. Ian tore his eyes away from the screen looking confused mumbling "what, you mean in the movie" softly. Mickey bit his lip shaking his head still looking at the screen "no not that" not adding that he and Ian felt too easy.

Ian let his jaw slightly drop looking between the screen and his boyfriend and seeing the anxiety rolling off Mickey blurted out "you mean us" softly before shouting "the fuck you mean by that" firmly. Ian stared at Mickey trying not to think the worst but it was too late not even aware he said it until it was too late "you want to break up with me because its too easy, you'd rather we beat the shit out of each other or some shit, I know we argue the odd time over me not wanting to take my meds but I kind of like that we dont argue and fight, every couple in Southside and up here does that shit and I like that we dont" trying to make sense of the situation.

Mickey gripped Ian's thigh tightly with one hand afraid Ian would leave and using his other hand to rub his face hating he was saying it all wrong "no I dont want any of that, that's not what I meant" softly. Ian relaxed a little letting his feet fall on the floor while moving a little to the side to face his boyfriend reaching forward to rest his hand on Mickey's arm asking "so what do you mean" not liking where this was going one bit at all.

Mickey was freaking out and he knew it but he didnt know how to stop it and he just hoped Ian was patient enough to listen to what he had to say because he had a feeling this was going to end up in a fight. He knew Ian had been happy ever since Monica disappeared for good and while they argued sometimes over Ian not wanting to take his meds Mickey felt like Ian was happy because he saw that Ian was trying so hard every day.

But Mickey hated himself because now he was ruining all of that with his stupid insecure thoughts. Mickey wasnt going to therapy anymore since he started going with Ian to Ian's own therapy sessions and he hated that their therapist always pushed them to talk. Mickey hated talking, talking meant voicing things out loud with misunderstood words that couldnt be taken back, words could also be used against you but he knew Ian would never use anything he said against him at all.

But Mickey had a feeling what he was going to say would push Ian away and he hated it, he hated his stupid brain for blurting out his thoughts without his permission. Mickey leaned his head back on the sofa deciding to just say it, say what was on his mind all week. Mickey bit his lip tensely before moving his head to the side facing Ian hesitantly telling him "we've been here in this apartment together for over a year" softly.

Ian almost laughed in relief but he kept a neutral expression replying "so why are you freaking out, I'm not" softly. Mickey felt relieved, this was not the reaction he was expecting but he wondered if he should really be surprised since Ian knew him too well. Ian really wasnt freaking out because he had everything he ever wanted and considering the mess he was in a few years ago he was doing much better now.

He was stable, Monica was gone for good, he was on good terms with his family who were trying to treat Ian as his own person who just happened to be bipolar and not just another Monica. Even better was that he was living with his best friend and boyfriend along with a new job that he loved so much which meant he was slowly getting better at healing from his trauma and for the first time in a long time he no longer felt afraid.

Mickey bit his lip not able to hide how anxious he was hesitantly blurting out "I never thought I'd get to have all this with you" shyly. Ian's expression softened and he relaxed a little voicing his own thoughts "yeah same here, we probably would have had it sooner if I never left in the first place" softly. Ian did have that thought for a while and he hated it, he hated that he nearly ruined everything with Mickey and his family by running off on a spur of the moment decision inspired by Monica.

Mickey bit his lip not feeling sure if he should say this but for some reason he couldnt stop himself "after you left I didnt think you would ever come back especially after that phone call that night when you said you wanted to come home, I looked for you ages until I admitted to myself you probably would never come back, that you forgot about me like everyone else does" quietly. Ian heard it and he felt a mixture of sick, sad and confused as to why he didnt come home, why didnt he call Mickey to come and get him, why did he let fear and Monica prevent him from doing what he really wanted to do which was go back home to the only person who he knew cared about him.

But looking back on it he knew Monica got to him, she twisted his thoughts into something he couldnt recognize, twisted who he was until he couldnt recognize himself or his own thoughts anymore. Ian knew he stayed away out of fear that Mickey would think less of him if he came back broken but right now he saw just how much staying away had affected his boyfriend and he regretted ever leaving in the first place.

Ian turned completely sideways grabbing Mickey's hand looking at him replying "I never forgot about you, thought about you all the time but by the time I called you that night my disorder had kicked in and I was just so lost and I hated myself and I thought you would hate me too" softly. Ian lightly squeezed Mickey's hand that was in his as he sadly told the rest of his thoughts "Monica twisted my thoughts, I didnt even know who I was anymore, I didnt recognize myself anymore and I wasnt the person that I was in the dugouts the day I left, she convinced me everyone would hate me when they found out about my disorder especially you and I couldnt handle it if you hated me so I stayed away even though I just wanted to come back to you because I really missed you a lot" not able to his the emotion in his voice.

Mickey squeezed his eyes shut rubbing them with his other hand finding a new level of hatred for Monica that almost rivalled his hated for Terry and Mickey didnt know which one of them he hated more but they were both level right now. A silence fell as Ian looked down at their hands swallowing the saliva that formed in his mouth as he remembered the day a few months after he called Mickey on that night wanting to come home.

Ian cleared his throat before blurting out "a few months after the night I called you" falling silent before hesitating "I called you from a payphone but when you answered I heard shouting in the background, think it was Terry so I hung up" softly. Mickey looked at him in shock because he remembered that day, Terry was going ballistic about a gun deal that fell through and of course it fell to Mickey to clean up the mess and figure something else out.

Mickey was in the worst mood that day so when he got a call on his phone he was almost glad of the distraction and when the person hung up on him he thought it was a wrong number and it never crossed his mind that it was Ian. Mickey looked downwards hating himself blurting out "fucking asshole" not hiding the hurt from his voice. Ian shifted a little closer on the sofa replying "I know, I'm sorry" softly.

Mickey shook his head glaring at the floor not able to hide the self hatred from his voice replying "not you, me" softly. Mickey slightly shook his head looking up at Ian mumbling "fuck I dont know, I should have fucking known, fuck I'm sorry for not knowing, for forgetting about you but I thought you were fine because I know you can take care of yourself, I was just so fucking caught up with Terry's shit that I was just trying to fucking survive" angrily.

Ian rested his arm over Mickey's shoulder and hugging him tightly replying sadly "its okay, I'm not mad at you, I just wanted to hear your voice again and when I did Monica's words came into my head so I hung up, I didnt want what she said to come true and I didnt want to make things worse for you with Terry" in a whisper. Mickey just felt angry and he wanted to break something or hurt someone mainly his father and Monica for fucking everything up for him and Ian.

Mickey just blankly stared at the TV screen feeling the angry sting of tears in his eyes slightly shaking his head and clenching his jaw not able to look at Ian right now. He really hated that Ian was sitting beside him witnessing his meltdown like this because he just felt weak but another part of him didnt care because he knew Ian would never judge him for being like he was right now.

As he glared the TV he felt Ian move closer to him by resting his leg over his legs and wrap his arms around him and hug him tightly and he knew what Ian was trying to do. Ian was trying to make him feel grounded after Mickey admitted to him one night that liked it when Ian lay on top of him because it made him feel grounded. Mickey pulled Ian's leg over his own leaning against Ian's body replying "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me, that day Terry's gun deal fell through and I had to clean up his fucking mess and sort something else out and I was trying to keep him from turning his bad mood onto me but it didnt work since he still beat the shit out of me that night" not able to hide the sadness in his voice.

Ian knew that was true whispering "I know" softly. Mickey wiped the tears in his eyes with his fingers refusing to let them fall hesitantly blurting out knowing he needed to say it "I never wanted you to leave that day, I only told you to go because I saw that faraway look in your eyes and I knew you would leave anyway and I didnt want you to hate me" in a whisper.

Mickey swallowed the lump in his throat stumbling over the words "I didnt want to be the person who held you back, I knew if I told you to stay you would and I didnt want you to hate me later on because you regretted not going, instead I just regret letting you leave, I should have said what I really wanted which was I wanted you to stay" in a shaky voice not adding because I'm too much of a fucking coward for saying what I really wanted to say.

Ian buried his face in Mickey's hair hating himself for being an idiot that day, he could see it on his boyfriend's face that he didnt want him to leave but Ian knew the truth sadly replying "in fairness I probably would have left anyway since my disorder was starting around that time, I felt too restless but I didnt want to see something was wrong" softly. Mickey heard the sincerity in Ian's words and believed him shoving himself closer into Ian turning slightly sideways resting his head against Ian's shoulder replying "a few months after you left and it got really bad, I thought about calling you so many times and nearly did a few times, just taking Mandy and running and meeting up with you somewhere but I was too afraid, I was too afraid of Terry finding us and killing us" in a whisper.

Ian rubbed his hand softly on Mickey's shoulder and down his arm hating that leaving had this effect on his boyfriend. He knew Mickey was hurt by him leaving but he didn't know how much until now replying "I wish you had of called me, would have saved me a whole world of trouble, might have even landed you in trouble but at least you'd be with me right" softly. Mickey scoffed bitterly looking at the floor replying "yeah but I'm a coward, I've always been afraid especially of Terry, he gets into my head too much, fucker has too much control over me, I'm a product of Terry and thats it, that's all they see and I hate myself for saying that" softly.

Mickey just felt like a failure, all he could hear in his head was Terry taunting him with a vicious sadistic grin telling him he was failure for as long as he could remember. And It was the same image of his father flashing in Mickey's brain and he couldnt escape it blurting out before he could stop it mumbling "I'm a failure, I know that, fuck Terry even knew that so no wonder he said it my whole life" softly.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers letting out a shaky sigh "he always said I was just a piece of shit under his shoe and would never be anything else, its why I always think I'm not good enough for you" in a whisper. Ian wasnt having lightly pushing against his boyfriend replying "get the fuck out of here with that shit, if I'm not Monica then you sure as fuck arent Terry and you arent a failure or a piece of shit and if anything I'm not good enough for you" firmly.

Mickey turned a little more wrapping his arms around Ian looking at him replying "at least one of us thinks so" softly. Ian looked at him silently as an idea formed replying "so we both work on it, that we arent our shitty parents and stop letting them have control over us" firmly. Mickey bit his lip thinking it was a good point hesitantly replying "yeah" softly wondering if he could ever get to that point. Mickey just hoped it would happen and he was doubful it would and but he knew for Ian he was willing to try.

He felt Ian move away and pulled him back looking at him "where are you going" firmly. Ian lightly kissed his boyfriend on the forehead replying "getting some weed" firmly. Mickey softly laughed looking at Ian "yeah sounds fucking good right about now" lightly. Mickey let Ian go wondering how Ian knew him so well but he knew Ian too well as he moved to lie down on his back on the sofa.

When Ian came back from their bedroom he rolled a joint and lit it before passing it to his boyfriend and lying down beside him on the sofa. They forgot about the movie they were watching as they silently shared the joint lost in their own thoughts with Mickey smoking most of it before handing the last bit to Ian. Ian finished off the joint and sat up to dump it in the ashtray on the table before lying back down on the sofa half lay on top of Mickey who just wrapped his arms tightly around him letting out a breath that was full of tension.

Mickey shifted slightly under Ian's weight to look at him hesitantly blurting out "if you ever want to leave again, I dont give a fuck if your manic or not, I'm going with you this time" firmly. Ian looked at his boyfriend swallowing the lump in his throat under the intensity of Mickey's stare and words replying "I dont ever want to leave you but if it does happen I'm taking you with me" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian for any doubt in his expression and seeing none he slightly shook his head replying "good" firmly. Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian's shoulders pulling him closer to him resting his face in Ian's hair breathing in Ian's smell while lightly rubbing his fingers across Ian's shoulders taking comfort in the weight of Ian lying on top of him thinking he would never not want this moment right now. Ian moved so he was pressed right up against Mickey with his arm wrapped around him while half lying on top of his boyfriend resting his leg between Mickey's legs buring his face in his boyfriends neck feeling the weed make him tired and sleepy.

He knew it was a bad idea to smoke some weed on his meds but he knew his limits and he needed it after the conversation they just had and he hated that he let things get so out of control before he came home to where he belonged. Ian was nearly asleep when he heard Mickey mumble "I love you Ian" quietly trying to stop feeling so scared Ian would leave again and it didnt matter that Ian said he would take him with him if it happened. Ian heard it softly mumbling "I love you too" softly and knew Mickey heard it when he hugged him tighter to him before they both fell asleep on the sofa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there is only 4 more chapters left of this story, its getting closer to the end.


	24. Please let me know that my one bad day will end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ian's meds stop working and he crashes, Mickey feels like shit and blames himself for saying all of what he said to Ian about him leaving.  
> _________________________________________________________________

Ian just felt so tired and so low in energy he didnt want to get out of bed after Mickey had left to go see Mandy for a few hours before going to work at the bar for the afternoon and evening. He took his meds after calling in sick to work and then went back to bed where he blankly stared at the wall all day buried under the covers in their bed lost in his own thoughts and hating himself more and more as each minute passed.

Ever since that conversation with Mickey where his boyfriend told him that he didnt want him to leave that day Ian had just felt like shit. He hated himself for leaving Mickey to have to deal with Terry alone while he went off running across most of America with Monica for nearly three years while Mickey was in a world of shit. Ian hated that he just left knowing how much Mickey needed him especially when he needed somewhere to go and because Ian left it meant Mickey had nowhere to go when he needed to get away from Terry.

Ian felt even worse for not staying especially when Mickey told him he couldnt leave Mandy behind and Ian wasnt surprised that Mickey was still afraid that he would leave again. Ian knew the chances were that it would happen if he went manic again and his meds stopped working like they were now. Ian felt off for the last few days and this right here just proved it for him and he couldnt keep lying to himself anymore that everything was fine when it wasnt fine.

He was heading straight into another depressive episode and he hated it as he felt the tears fall from his eyes and wiped them away with his fingers wondering how long it would be before his boyfriend would be home. Ian blankly stared at the wall curling up into himself hating that it was all his fault, it was his fault that his boyfriend was afraid he would leave again. Ian hated himself even more for believeing Monica's lies that led to him leaving with her over three years ago.

He hated that his family werent stupid enough to believe her lies but he did, he believed her when she said she wanted to get to know him properly, that she loved him and missed him, when she said she was sorry for abandoning them all for years. He hated that she promised to never leave again and then turned him against everyone before abandoning him again leaving him in a crackhouse to die because she didnt care.

Ian wished he never left with her, he wished he had of stayed, he wished he could go back in time and tell his younger self not to leave and that Mickey needed him a lot more than Monica ever would and that she was just lying again. But it was too late to change anything and he hated it as he wondered why was he so stupid to believe anything Monica said to him back then before he left.

Even Mickey knew it was a bad idea and Ian still didnt listen and that was killing him right now. Ian only ever listened to Mickey and the one time Mickey was looking out for him and said it was a bad idea Ian just ignored him and told him he wouldnt be gone for long. That was Ian's plan but it got derailed and everything in his mind turned so dark he wondered if he would ever see the sun again and then he was just lost. During those three years he just felt like he was a raindrop lost in an ocean and would never be found again.

As he lay in bed all he could remember was the first time in hospital with the doctor telling him his diagnosis of 'bipolar type 1 with psychosis' and then his whole world changed, he really was Monica and it was his worst nightmare come to life. Ian thoughts drifted to what would have happened if he never left, if he told Monica he didnt want to go because he didnt want to leave his best friend behind to deal with Terry.

Ian just felt like the worst person ever leaving his friend like that especially when he found out what happened to his boyfriend after he left with Monica. Ian remembered those days leading up until he left with Monica. The restlessness and feeling like he was vibrating out of his skin, even the colors felt more vibrant and he just wanted more and more until eventually when he did crash he didnt know where he was and Mickey wasnt there because Ian had left.

But now Ian wondered if he had stayed would Mickey have noticed but he knew Mickey would have since he told Ian that he noticed something was off with him before he left. Ian knew if he stayed everything that happened while he was away would never happened and he hated himself for it because he ruined everything and he didnt think he could blame Monica for it anymore since he had a choice and he chose to leave. It was the worst decision of his life and he would do anything to take it all back but he couldnt and he didnt know how to live with that anymore. The crippling self loathing and guilt swimming in his stomach made him hurt and want to be sick but all he could do was just cry not able to stop the tears falling down his face.

 

* * *

 

 

It was dark by the time Mickey got home to their apartment after a long day. He hated that he had to leave early this morning to help Iggy and Mandy with another scam when all he wanted to do was have a lie in with Ian wrapped around him until it was time for work. By the time he finished with Mandy and Iggy he just went straight to work not having time to go back to the apartment to get changed and something to eat so he grabbed something on the way to the bar.

He also didnt miss the fact that Ian never sent him texts like he normally did through the day. But he just put it down to Ian being busy at work or just lazy and needed some space even though he missed the texts from his tall lean dorky-ass boyfriend. When he shut the apartment door behind him and flicked on the lightswitch he felt sick looking around the apartment that was empty with a deathly silence that never felt so loud to his ears as Ian was always making some sort of noise.

Mickey was suprised as Ian was normally home by now and would be eating some food on the sofa. Mickey walked over the kitchen and grabbed a used glass out of the sink and filled it with some water from the tap and took a drink from it deciding to ignore the feeling something was wrong by telling himself Ian probably went out to the shop to buy some food. He put the empty glass in the sink and walked to their room to get changed and order some takeout or just wait until Ian got back.

He walked into their room flicking on the lightswitch on the wall beside the door looking at his phone deciding to call Ian but when he looked at the bed he saw Ian was lying buried under the covers. Judging by the musty smell of the room Mickey had a feeling Ian hadnt moved all day not even letting his mind go to that thought of Ian's meds had stopped working. Mickey ran his hand through his hair silently staring at Ian who was still facing the wall and he knew something was wrong.

Mickey threw his phone on the top of the drawers along the wall asking "Ian you okay" softly. There was no answer but when he heard Ian softly sniffle and saw him move a little under the covers to wipe his eyes with his fingers Mickey knew something was definately wrong. He knew Ian had been off for days and Ian even admitted it to him that he was tired and low in energy but that it would probably pass.

But this right now was telling Mickey that it hadnt passed, that something was wrong and he wished he had of talked Ian into going to the doctor a few days ago but he knew Ian hated being crowded so he kept his mouth shut. Instead he kicked off his shoes before sitting on the edge of the bed resting his hand on Ian's shoulder and was about to ask a question when Ian turned around with red puffy eyes that were full of water.

Mickey lay down on the top of the covers facing Ian asking "you been here all day" curiously. Ian sniffed shaking his head replying "yeah" softly. Mickey silently looked at him moving right up against Ian resting his hand on the side of his head softly kissing him the forehead hating that he didnt know something was wrong with Ian all day. Ian wiped his eyes again with his fingers sadly mumbling "I hate this, everything's all my fault" in a whisper. Mickey slightly frowned asking "what is" curiously.

Ian wiped his nose with his hand looking downwards replying "I should never have left, you didnt want me to go and I still left, you should hate me because I left you all alone to deal with Terry, all that shit never would have happened if I stayed" softly. Mickey was afraid of this happening after he told the truth about what happened after Ian had left Southside and he wished he never said a word about it now.

He knew Ian would blame himself but he also knew it would have happened anyway since he could only go so long in avoiding Terry. Mickey softly ran his hand through Ian's hair looking at him replying "it would have happened anyway, he would have noticed I was avoiding him and he would have dragged you into it too or gotten suspicious and hurt you so its not your fault" firmly.

Ian silently looked at him replying "doesnt make me feel any better, I left when you needed me" sadly. Mickey softly laughed replying "I could say the same for me, that I let you leave when you needed me too asshole so dont go stealing all the fucking credit" humoredly. Ian didnt have the energy to laugh so Mickey added "anyway do you know how many times I wished I left with you, it kills me that I wasnt there when you needed me especially that night" not hiding the hurt and guilt in his voice and they both knew what night he was referring to.

Ian felt his eyes water again and couldnt stop the tears from falling letting out a watery sigh "I think the meds have stopped working, I just feel so lost, feel like its all my fault and Monica is right" softly. Mickey lightly squeezed the back of Ian's neck replying "yeah well we got some extra money in today from the scam Mandy and Iggy pulled and said they would give us a cut so we can get new ones" firmly.

Ian pushed the covers back a bit so he could reach out and wrap his arms around Mickey's waist pulling himself closer to him and let out a sigh of relief when he felt Mickey hug him back tightly. They lay there silently for a few minutes before Mickey looked at Ian adding "its not your fault and Monica is wrong" firmly. Ian looked at his boyfriend shaking his head glad of the reassurance but he didnt say anything and decided to believe his boyfriend over the voices in his head telling him something else and trying to poison his mind again.

A few minutes later Mickey felt his stomach rumble reminding him he hadnt eaten so he blurted out "I need to eat something, I'm fucking starving" making no effort to move away. Ian looked at him replying "so go eat something" softly. Mickey looked at him "you want something to eat" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "no not hungry although I should probably take my meds even though there is no point" softly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian blurting out "whatever, you know where I'll be if you need me" softly. Ian watched his boyfriend get off the bed not able to ignore the voices in his head telling him Mickey would leave for good after this hesitantly blurting out "youre still not leaving right" softly. Mickey leaned down grabbing Ian's hand looked at him replying "not in a fucking billion years so get that into your head and stop letting Monica's shit take over that brain of yours" firmly.

Ian slightly shook his head not knowing what to say so just let the words 'not in a billion years' sink into his brain as he watched his boyfriend leave the room. Ian heard Mickey moving around the kitchen and then smelt food being cooked and he needed to pee so forced himself to get up and went to the toilet before going back to bed after grabbing the bottle of meds on top of the drawers.

He lay down under the covers staring at the door when Mickey came into the room with a plateful of food and a bottle of water that he threw on the bed before he sat in the bed resting his back against the headboard and silently ate his food. Ian just stared at the bottle in his hand before sitting up beside his boyfriend and taking his dosage for the night out of the bottles and swallowing them dry as he reached over and took some food of Mickey's plate and ate it silently.

Mickey watched him letting out a scoff "thought you werent fucking hungry" lightly. Ian nudged his boyfriend with his shoulder replying "kind of am now" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes pretending to be annoyed moving the plate that was resting in his lap over to Ian a little not telling him that he put extra food on the plate for Ian. They ate in silence before Ian hesitantly asked "will you come with me to the clinic tomorrow" curiously.

Mickey looked over at him replying "yeah you know I will" firmly. Ian softly smiled picking some more food off the plate and eating it while replying "she's is going to kill me when she finds out, I've been doing well and I let this shit get to me, stressed out too much over leaving my job and looking for another one" softly. Ian silently slightly shook his head before adding in a sad tone "I thought I was doing okay, I've had my new job for a few months now" softly.

Mickey knew what he meant replying "it fucking happens, she was the one that said the meds could stop working at any time right" firmly. Ian let out a tired sigh replying "yeah" in a whisper as they finished eating their food. Mickey went back into the kitchen to leave the plate in the sink with Ian trailing closely behind him wanting a glass of water before they sat on the sofa and watched some TV before going to bed.

 

* * *

 

 

It had only been a few days since they went to the clinic to get Ian new meds so they were both waiting until they started working and Ian's mood levelled out. Ian had called into work sick for a few more days wondering if he should tell them about his disorder because he was afraid this could happen again. Mickey was watching TV in their apartment eating some food after coming home from a shift at the bar hating that he had left Ian on his own all day.

He didnt feel any better about it even when Ian told him to go and that he would be fine on his own but all it did was just make Mickey feel even worse so he reluctantly left the apartment. When finished eating he checked on Ian and saw Ian was asleep with the covers pulled up to his chin. He was about to go back to watching the movie when he heard Ian mumble "you home already" from under the covers.

Mickey thought Ian obviously wasnt asleep as he stepped further into the room replying "yeah just got back a while ago" softly. Ian opened his eyes and sat up resting against the headboard as he looked at the clock realizing it was time for his meds so reached for the bottles and took dosage along with the few slices of cold toast that was sitting beside them on a plate. Ian ate the cold slices as Mickey groaned shaking his head "thats fucking disgusting, they've been there all day" humouredly.

Ian looked over at his boyfriend with a soft smile replying "ate blue molded bread once because we had no money to get more so its not a big deal" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes and sat on the bed beside Ian realizing that all he wanted was to be able to take care of Ian for the rest of his life. He knew he didnt need anyone else's help because he could take care of Ian and fuck anyone else that said he wouldnt be able to look after his boyfriend in any way, shape or form.

Ian swallowed the food in his mouth before looking at Mickey shyly blurting out "I missed you today" softly. Mickey reached forward grabbing Ian's hand in his own looking at him not even hesitating "I missed you too but youre the one that wanted me to leave" softly not adding I thought you wanted space since I havent left you since we've been to the clinic. Ian shook his head looking down at their hands that were resting in his lap replying "I know but after you left I realized I really wanted you to stay" softly.

Before Mickey came home Ian had just woken up alone in bed and looked at the clock seeing it was the late in the evening and he knew Mickey would be home from work by now. Ian hated that he told his boyfriend to go to work this afternoon, he thought he would be okay for a few hours on his own but all he did was overthink things between sleeping due to the new meds.

It had been days since he started on his new combination of his meds and he felt like he was trapped in a haze that he wasnt sure he would be able to escape. But he knew from experience that it was his body adjusting to the new meds but it didnt mean he had to like the way he was feeling right now. He just wanted it to be over with so he could feel normal again.

Mickey felt like shit sitting a little closer replying "you should have called me, I would have come home" firmly. Ian shook his head deciding he had enough to eat so moved the plate onto the small table beside his med bottles replying "I know" not adding he felt like a burden if he did but he knew that it was his own thoughts that stopped him from doing what he wanted to do.

He knew Mickey would have come home straight away but he didnt want to be that person that burdened someone else even though Mickey told him he wasnt a burden at all. Ian looked over at the table and grabbed the glass of water that had been there all day and drank it all in one go hating that he probably stressed himself out to the point that his meds stopped working and he hated it so much.

He just felt glad it wasnt a manic episode as his worst fear was taking off again and leaving Mickey. The thought of leaving Mickey behind again made him feel sick, at least the first time he left was sort of out of his control but if he left this time it would be his own fault because he kept stressing himself out so much to the point his meds quit working. Ian finished put the empty glass back on the table before looking at his boyfriend shyly asking "can you just lie in here with me, dont want to be alone anymore, I hate feeling like this, feeling like I'm always alone" hesitating before adding "I'm scared of being alone" in a whisper.

Mickey just about heard it knowing it was hard for Ian to say it so he stood up and took off his jeans as Ian lay back down on his side with his back to the wall moving over to make room for his boyfriend. Mickey climbed in under the covers and wrapped his arms around Ian who pushed himself closer to Mickey letting out a sigh of relief finding comfort in the smell of the one person who made him feel grounded to earth.

Mickey rubbed his fingers lightly across Ian's shoulders and down his spine looking at Ian telling him "so am I sometimes but you'll never be alone Ian not as long as I'm here, its you, me, us, got that, we dont need anyone else" firmly. Ian looked back at him letting the weight of the words sink into his brain and he decided he was going to do better and try and get all this Monica shit out of his head once and for all.

Ian hugged Mickey back tightly burying his face in his chest letting his eyes close thinking he missed this more than he thought he did all day. Ian let out a breath feeling his boyfriend softly run his hand along his spine while leaving light kisses on his forehead. Ian pushed his leg between Mickey's pulling himself closer to him wanting to be as close to his boyfriend as much as possible.

Ian felt his eyes water again andrubbed them with his fingers wishing feeling so lost would just end already because he hated feeling like this and feeling like he could never escape the thoughts in his head. Mickey ran his hand through Ian's hair hating that Ian was hurting so much blurting out "when these meds start working feeling like this now will end, just give them a chance" softly.

Ian shook his head looking at Mickey replying "I know but its just hard" sadly. Mickey looked back at him replying "I know it is but I'm not going anywhere remember that okay" firmly. Ian shook his head hating that he was stuck in a fog because of the meds and he wondered how long it would take for it to pass but right now all he wanted to do was sleep so let his eyes close moving closer to his boyfriend even though there was no space left between them in the bed. Mickey felt Ian's breath fan out on his face when he noticed Ian was wearing one of his tshirts but he didnt mind knowing that he also wore Ian's clothes too as their drawers were all mixed up to the point they didnt know who owned what anymore and they didnt care either.


	25. I cant sleep cause its burning deep inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely lost my timeline for this story so I'm putting it as what it is in the chapter.

Ian was sitting on the sofa in the apartment alone since Mickey was at work at the bar. He was lost in his own thoughts no longer paying attention to the movie playing on the TV screen. He couldnt believe a year and a half had passed since he left the hospital with Mickey. He also couldnt believe it took him so long to see that every cruel manipulative word Monica ever told him before he came back home was a lie.

He also couldnt believe he was also stupid enough to believe those lies along with every word she said especially about Mickey wanting nothing to do with him when he found out about his disorder. Ever since Ian had crossed paths with Mickey in the hospital it just made him regret ever leaving in the first place. He only left Chicago because he thought there was something more outside the city he was missing but now he realized he wasnt missing anything at all except his boyfriend.

Being away just made him realize how manipulative Monica was and how stupid he was to believe a single word she said and he hated himself for believeing her lies. Even though his therapist and his boyfriend told him not to be so hard on himself Ian just found it hard to forgive himself for leaving with Monica. Ever since Ian came back home he realized just how much Mickey loved him and proved to him everyday that Monica's words were just a cruel hurtful lie.

But Ian was learning to forgive himself for believing her and leaving Mickey to deal with Terry alone and mostly himself for leaving in the first place. He was also learning each day to forgive himself for his actions and decisions over the three years he was away. He was also still healing from the night he was raped and still struggling to believe that it wasnt his fault but he was getting there slowly. He still had nightmares and anxiety but Mickey was helping him through it all and Ian just felt glad to finally have someone on his side. It also helped that he was no longer working at the bar where he was just constantly reminded of the reason why he hated these places now.

With his new job he was able to move on and he wished left the bar sooner but it was better late than never. It helped that he had a new family in Mickey, Mandy and Iggy who didnt give a shit about his disorder and it was more than he could say about his own blood family. He wasnt sure he how he felt about being back on sort of good terms with his family since he went to dinner that night several weeks after he saw Fiona for the first time since he left hospital.

Ian could tell that Fiona was trying so much to not treat him like his disorder defined him and it also helped that he told her what he needed from her too. He also knew that Fiona was struggling too so he talked to her a lot more about his disorder even though he wasnt sure he could ever trust her again. He told her what he needed and didnt need, he answered any questions she had about bipolar and out of that he had become closer to Fiona.

But he wasnt sure if he could ever trust her again and he was trying to work past the hurt and resentment towards Fiona. Ian never saw Monica again ever since he ran her out of town with Mickey and Mandy a few days after the last time he saw her and he hoped he would never see her again. Even though he knew she would probably show up eventually, he knew he was much stronger now and wouldnt fall for her lies and manipulations anymore.

He didnt have anything to feel for Monica anymore not even hatred because he didnt need anything from her since she obviously didnt give a shit about him or his siblings. More importantly Ian had forgiven himself for running off on Mickey especially now that he knew Mickey forgave him for it anyway. Mickey wasnt even mad at Ian for leaving despite the fact that Ian just felt like Monica and abandoned the one person who needed him the most.

That was the reason that Ian fought to remain stable because he didnt want to be running in and out of Mickey's life for as long as they lived. Ian couldnt do it to Mickey because he didnt see how Monica could claim to love him when all she did was appear and disappear in and out of his life when she felt like it. He loved Mickey to much to do that to him, to run in and out of his life like that and he knew it would kill Mickey too because all Mickey would do was worry about him whenever he left.

Ian couldnt do what Monica did to him and his siblings over the years and it was that reason alone that made Ian think that Monica never loved him or any of his siblings. But Ian knew he loved his boyfriend and he deserved better treatment than the way Monica treated him and his siblings. Ian knew he only left because he wasnt happy and felt like he was missing out on something especially when Monica threw fuel on that fire with her own special brand of gasoline.

But Ian knew he was happy now, he had his life with his boyfriend and there was nothing Monica could do to derail all of that no matter how hard she tried if it ever happened. Ian was done living in fear of when she would return, he was done letting her have so much power over him when she clearly didnt give a shit about him at all considering she left him to die in a crackhouse when he was depressed.

Ian knew that he or Mickey would never forgive her for that and they both knew she wasnt sorry about it at all. Ian confided that bit of information to Fiona and even Fiona was livid at her and also pissed off at Ian for not calling her to come and get him but she understood why Ian stayed away when he explaind how Monica made him belive that no one would care at all because he was bipolar.

When Ian med's stopped working completely a few months ago and he admited to his boyfriend that he was scared of being alone. Mickey had told him it was them together and that he would never be alone, Ian just felt relief and it made living with his disorder so much easier. Ian knew his biggest fear ever since his diagnosis was being alone, no one wanting him and he knew it was another lie fed into his brain by Monica.

But he saw that Mickey spent everyday proving her words wrong and it just made him love his boyfriend even more, it made him realize just how much he needed Mickey and it scared the shit out of him so much. Ian knew Mickey proved her wrong when his boyfriend stayed right by his side and looked after him until the meds started working and his moods levelled out. Ian didnt want to live his life in regret anymore.

He wanted to forget about Monica and everything that happened while he was away for three years and decided he done with the past. He was done wasting time thinking about the hurt Monica caused him when he knew for a fact she didnt give him a single thought at all. He had his life with Mickey now and that was all that mattered, it was all he cared about and it was something he never thought he would ever get to have since he was stupid enough to leave the only person who cared about him behind to run off with his estranged mother over promises based on lies.

Ian knew who he was now and what he wanted out of life. He wanted his life as it was right now and he realized he wasnt scared anymore, he was actually happy and he knew Mickey had a lot to do with that too. Ian shook himself from his thoughts deciding he was no longer letting fear hold him back anymore from whatever he wanted to do in his life and with that realization he made a decision.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was at work wishing his shift was just over already because he was pissed off and just wanted to go home. It was a busy night and it didnt help there was a bunch of asshole straight guys in the bar trying to cause trouble by constantly hitting on gay women so Mickey lost his patience and threw them out with the help of a few regulars before a fight broke out in the bar.

Mickey didnt know why people like those assholes came to places like this but he hoped they would never come back because he wasnt sure he would be able to restrain himself from breaking bones next time. He was stocking up the shelves behind the bar hating he still had a few hours left before he got to go home to Ian and smiled to himself at the thought while also rolling his eyes for being so lame at the same time.

Mickey finished putting the bottles on the shelves and stood up to see Ian on the other side of the bar with a small grin on his face. Mickey couldnt hide his surprise knowing Ian never came down here at all anymore since he quit blurting out "the fuck you doing here" curiously. Ian shrugged replying "was bored" not adding needed to see you because I missed you. Mickey smirked not believing a word replying "really" lightly.

Ian rolled his eyes replying "get me a beer" firmly. Mickey scoffed and got Ian his drink and handed it over to him looking at him replying "try not to drink too much, dont want to carry your ass home since youre now a lightweight" humoredly. Ian narrowed his eyes but couldnt stop himself from laughing because he knew Mickey was just joking replying "fuck you asshole" lightly. Mickey shrugged looking at Ian suggestively replying "maybe later you can" lightly.

Ian looked down at the bottle in front of him biting his lip before hesitantly blurting out "anyway I know you dont drink so much anymore so like you can talk" softly. Mickey heard it over the loud music knowing it was true but it was only because he knew Ian hated not being able to drink and get high on weed like they used to do before Ian knew he was bipolar.

Mickey looked around noticing the bar was getting quieter as people started to leave and no one needed anything before walking around the bar and standing beside Ian blurting out "so you really here because youre just bored" lightly. Ian moved to stand in front of his boyfriend taking a drink of his beer replying "no, just missed you" firmly. Mickey softly laughed looking back at him replying "yeah me too, wish this night would be over already so I could go home" softly.

Ian put the bottle on the bar behind his boyfriend stepping closer hesitantly replying "so youre finished in two hours right" curiously. Mickey shook his head but as he looked at Ian who looked anxious and nervous he sensed there was more to Ian being here right now not that he was complaining but he hated there was something wrong. So he grabbed Ian's hips with his hands and pulled Ian closer to him asking "cut the bullshit Ian, why are you really here and dont say youre bored because I'm not fucking buying it" firmly.

Ian glared at his boyfriend hating that Mickey always saw through his bullshit before he let out a tense exhale resting his arms around Mickey's shoulders. Ian licked his lips looking off to the side hesitantly blurting out "I didnt want to be at home, think about too much shit when I'm there alone" softly. Mickey knew that was true, he knew all Ian ever did was overthink everything in his life and he had a feeling one word alone triggered the way Ian was behaving right now.

He was proven right when Ian looked at him blurting out "I dont want to be afraid anymore, I was an idiot for believing Monica gave a shit, not realizing she was lying but you and Fiona knew it except me, just makes me feel really stupid" softly. Mickey heard his name being called and rolled his eyes turning around and telling whoever was calling him he was busy before looking back at Ian replying "sorry, go on" softly.

Ian swallowed the dry lump in his throat frowing a little as he stumbled over his words not able to hide his sadness from his voice "I was a stupid idiot, I thought I was missing out on something so I left and when I left I realized what I wanted and missed all along was right here with you and I regret it so much, I left you behind and I'm sorry" softly. Mickey relaxed a little silently looking at Ian before replying "it doesn matter now, it worked out okay for us, yeah shit got in the way but you cant change it and you didnt leave me behind, I chose not to fucking go, I told you to go and I feel like shit over that knowing all of what happened to you while you were away so its not your fucking fault, if anything its mine, should have told you to stay" firmly.

Ian couldnt stop the wavering in his voice blurting out "fuck I cant even blame her anymore because its my fault and all I do is just regret everything, all I can think of is that what happened in New York would never have happened if I never left, all of what happened when I left is my own fault" sadly. Mickey disagreed shaking his head glaring at Ian replying "fuck no it isnt, its not your fucking fault so quit it with that shit" firmly.

Mickey stepped right up against Ian pulling them close together looking at him intensely softly replying "that night was not your fault Ian, that asshole took advantage of you so please stop blaming yourself" firmly. Ian shook his head knowing it wouldnt be easy whispering "I'll try" softly. Mickey heard his name being called again by someone behind the bar letting out a frustrated sigh "fuck sake, just let me go deal with this shit and then I'll come back, just wait here yeah" firmly.

Ian looked at him replying "yeah, go I'll be okay" softly. Ian sat on one of the stools and rested his elbows on the bar waiting as Mickey walked away wishing he could just turn his brain off. He bitterly scoffed to himself at his meds being able to make him numb but they never shut his brain up and it pissed him off so much that he hated they just seemed to make things worse. Ian took a drink of his beer before he picked at the label on the bottle with his fingers as he stared at his hands.

When he looked up he saw Mickey was busy again and realizing Mickey probably wouldnt be back over Ian slipped back into his own world getting lost in his own thoughts. Ian just wanted all this shit in his head to go away but he didnt know how to stop thinking things over and over wishing he could change the outcome. He knew he would have to find a way to live with his decisions and actions but the road to getting to that point was just too hard and he didnt know if he could ever forgive himself for those choices.

He realized he was so angry at himself for making those bad decisions and choices the he was starting to hate himself for feeling the way he felt and he was struggling with realizing that was happened in New York was not his fault. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Mickey standing beside him with an apologetic expression.

Ian looked around not able to his confusion at the place being mostly empty and realized he was lost in his own head for longer than he thought he had been. Ian looked over at Mickey asking "you finished already" curiously. Mickey leaned back against the bar looking at Ian replying "yeah fucking finally, sorry I never got to come back over, its been busy tonight" firmly. Ian nodded "its fine" softly.

Mickey turned his head to the side to face Ian asking "so what were you saying before I had to leave" curiously. Ian fidgeted a little in his seat hating himself for sounding insecure hesitating "I came here because I'm sick of replaying all my regrets in my head when youre not at home with me, I know I need find a way to live with this shit but I cant" softly.

Mickey looked at him resting his hand on Ian's arm not knowing what to say to that blurting out before he could stop it "it will be a lot easier if you can" firmly. Ian shook his head sighing "yeah I'm working on it" tiredly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Ian pushed the unfinished bottle of beer down the bar to where a bunch of used glasses were sitting before turning in his seat to face Mickey knowing he needed to say what was on his mind.

Ian stood in front of Mickey looking down at the ground blurting out "the reason I want to be stable is not just for me, but for you because I couldnt live with myself if I was like her, constantly running in and out of your life and not giving a shit about you" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian knowing there was more because Ian looked all nervous and a mixture of wanting to stay on the spot and run away at the same time.

Ian stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans before looking at his boyfriend adding "I give a shit about you and I want you to know that, she was wrong and I should never have listened to her when she said you would leave me and I wont ever be leaving you like I did again, I already feel like shit for doing it the first time" sadly. Mickey knew Ian felt bad about leaving hesitantly replying "it doesnt matter, you didnt know the mania was starting when you left but I have to say if you took off again I dont think I could handle it too well this time, it almost killed me not knowing where you were and if you were okay" hating he couldnt hide the sadness in his voice.

Ian anxiously bit his lip shaking his head knowing that was true but he wasnt finished his point replying "you proved that you wouldnt leave me the last time my meds stopped working, you took care of me, made sure I was okay, gave me space when I wanted it and stayed with me when I needed you" firmly. Mickey knew that was true grabbing Ian's arm with his hand replying "kind of glad youre realizing that I'm not leaving" lightly not adding I love you and want to look after you.

Ian nodded before adding "before I came back when I was depressed I always felt so alone and accepted it would always be that way but this time with you it wasnt so bad, I knew you wouldnt leave and I know now I'll never be alone once I have you" firmly. Mickey smiled slightly laughing replying "youre fucking stuck with me, about time you realized that" lightly.

Ian rubbed his face with hand as he softly laughed and looked off to the side at the sound of breaking glass that was knocked off a table over on other side of the room. He looked back at Mickey feeling the anxiety build up in him needing to get the words out replying "but I am done with Monica, I'm done wasting time over regreting leaving with her and every shitty descision I ever made when I left, she doesnt give a shit about me so why should I waste time thinking about her when she never thinks about me, she only wants me when she has no one else and I dont want that, I'm done living in fear over what might happen, I'm done letting what happened that night in New York stop me from living my life" feeling a little lighter.

Ian was just glad Mickey was silently looking at him and letting him talk as he ran his hand through his hair not missing the way Mickey looked at the movement and bit down a smile of his own. Ian moved closer to Mickey resting his hand on his hip adding "am I anxious here right now, yeah but I'm working on it and I'm getting there, I need to face my fear and live my life and I am not letting that bastard the raped me and Monica have all this power over me" hoping he would be able to do it.

Mickey stood right up against Ian wrapping his arms around his lower back not looking away replying "I know you can do it, if I can do it with Terry then you can do it too, if you told me months before you left that I'd end up working in a place like I'd have beat the shit out of you" softly. Mickey bit his lip before adding "I didnt think this right here was possible, fuck Terry would probably burn this place to the ground if he knew I worked here, you know how much he hated me, hated people like us" softly.

Ian stepped a little closer replying "yeah I know" softly. Mickey couldnt stop himself blurting out "I never thought it was possible but you made me see that it fucking was, you helped me when no one else would, youre my fucking best friend and so much more" firmly. Ian quickly replied "same here about you" lightly to which Mickey rolled his eyes letting out a snort of laughter.

A silence fell before Ian shook his head knowing how hard it was for his boyfriend to get to where they were now replying "yeah, I'm taking my life back and not letting them have power over me or my decisons or actions, I'm living my life for me and I want you with me if thats what you want" firmly. Mickey didnt hesitate "its what I fucking want, you know that" firmly.

Ian bit down a smile and looked at his feet before wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and hugging him tightly letting out a sigh when Mickey returned the gesture. A few seconds passed when Mickey silently looked at Ian feeling like that had been building up for a while before blurting out "so you rehearse all that" lightly. Ian laughed feeling lighter than he did a few hours ago replying "no but its been on my mind for a while especially today" softly.

Mickey shook his head grabbing the back of Ian's neck with his hand replying "I mean it, your what I want" firmly. Ian felt a warm feeling spread through him and shook his head looking at Mickey replying "I know, so are you" firmly. Mickey hugged Ian again taking in a deep breath running his hand through Ian's hair before looking at him blurting out "lets get the fuck out of here, had enough of this place for one night" tiredly.

Ian shook his head whispering "yeah I'm kind of tired" softly. They both left the bar and walked back to their apartment with Mickey telling Ian how shitty his night was at work and Ian was glad of the distraction. He also knew how much he needed his boyfriend and it was something that burned deep inside him and he was glad that Mickey told him he felt the same way too.


	26. There's no time to deny that I need you.

Ian was just out of the shower after coming home from the gym and stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom wearing only his jeans looking at the scars from the cuts and burns he inflicted on himself over the years before he got stable. He wasn't sure if he regretted putting them there or if it just reminded him of how far he had come since those days where he just felt so lost and alone.

Ever since the day he showed Mickey those scars he never gave them another thought until his therapist asked him to talk some more about them in their session a few days ago. He lightly ran his fingers over a deep scar that ran across his abdomen remembering the moment that led to him making that cut with some broken glass after a fight with Monica when he was crashing after a manic cycle.

He faintly remembered the moment that led to it because Monica had hit him where it hurt most by telling him Mickey hated him and would be ashamed to be around him seeing the way Ian wasnt able to move or get off the floor in the abandoned house they were living in until they moved on somwhere else. He remembered Monica taunting him, mocking him with each cruel word telling him he deserved to be alone because people like them werent meant to be loved.

That people like her and Ian were outsiders that no one would want anything to do with because they were just a burden that needed to be drugged and locked away so no one would have to deal with people like them. Monica told him they could never understand what it was like to be so high on energy you felt like you fly and the crash so low you wanted to die to end the pain. Ian remembered crying so much that day that he wanted to die.

That day he felt so angry he just wanted to hurt something so he made himself his target when he spotted a sharp piece of broken glass on the other side of the room. He was so lost in his own thoughts he didnt hear Mickey come into the bathroom asking "hey been calling you for ages" curiously. Mickey noticed Ian was standing front of the mirror looking at the scars on his body running his fingers over the deep scar that ran across his abdomen with what was clearly regret across his face.

He really hated that Ian hated the scars and he hated that Ian felt like the scars made him ugly. That for Ian the scars were a permanent reminder of how low he had fallen, of how adrift he was for years that he thought he would never feel solid ground beneath his feet ever again. But Mickey didnt give a shit about the scars, he didnt see them the way Ian saw them because he had enough scars of his own at the hands of his father.

Mickey didnt hate his own scars and he never really gave them much thought anymore just that they were normal for the way he grew up under the his father's roof. They were an unpleasant reminder of a dark past but they were also a reminder that he was a lot stronger and tougher than he thought he was when he was younger. He just wished Ian would get to that point already but he knew only Ian could get himself to that point on his own over time.

He really hated seeing Ian tear himself up over somthing he did a long time ago and he didnt know what he could say to make Ian feel any better. But then he remembered his own scars that he had no control over as they were inflicted on him from his father who hated him so much he beat him as often as he could do it. Ian's scars were different as they were there by his own doing and Mickey knew Ian was finding it hard to live with that choice he made back then when he was lost in the middle of his disorder.

Mickey let out a tense exhale remembering the night Ian told him how he ended up with that scar and walked over to Ian to hug him from behind resting his chin on Ian's shoulder asking "you okay" softly. Ian shook himself out of his thoughts letting his eyes close relaxing into the embrace holding onto the sink with his hands trying to bring himself out of the bad memory.

Mickey pressed himself right up against Ian's back keeping a tight grip on his with his arm using his other hand to run his fingers lightly over the scars before looking at Ian in the mirror. When Ian looked at him Mickey told him "you know I dont give shit about these right, fuck knows I've enough of my own" firmly. Ian cleared his throat not able to hide the sadness in his voice replying "I know but I do, they make me feel so ugly, they are just a reminder of how low I was at the time" softly.

Mickey kept his eyes on Ian not even hesitating "they arent ugly to me, just a part of you and I dont even fucking notice them until you talk about them" firmly. Ian softly smiled looking down at his fingers gripping the sink tightly feeling his boyfriend tighten his arms around him and his breath softly fan over his shoulder. Mickey lightly pushed against Ian with his body and when Ian looked at him in the mirror he asked "you regret them" curiously. Ian frowned a little hesitating and stumbling over what to say settling on "I dont know, some days I do and some days I dont, depends how I feel really" softly.

Mickey lightly kissed Ian's shoulder pulling Ian closer to him as much as he could before asking "and now" curiously. Ian lightly shrugged his shoulder "not sure, think I just feel stronger now than I did back then when I used to cut myself" softly. Ian knew that those regrets he had over his decisions were becoming a little easier to live with as each day passed him by and he knew he was happy now especially that he had his life with with Mickey now.

But there were still some days that were hard and the scars were a visible reminder of just how hard things had been in the past. Ian quietly sighed "I dont want to go back to that place, dont want to feel so alone that I need to hurt myself just to fucking feel something" in a whisper. Mickey rested his head on Ian's shoulder looking off to the side replying "so dont" firmly. Ian pushed back a little and when Mickey looked at him replied "I'm not planning on it" and hesitated before adding "its just something that I'm afraid will happen, the meds stopped working completely months ago" in a broken voice.

Mickey remembered that and he did everything he could to help Ian replying "then I'll hide the fucking knives if it happens" softly. Ian rolled his eyes knowing the truth replying "there is other ways to hurt yourself if you want to, dont need a knife to do it" lowly. Mickey heard it but wasnt having it looking at Ian blurting out "then I'll tie you up on a fucking chair and put you flat on your back on the ground until the meds start working and you wont hurt yourself" lightly.

Ian full on laughed turning around wrapping his arms around Mickey shaking his head in disbelief at lengths his boyfriend would go to protect him replying "yeah you would wouldnt you" softly. Mickey raised his eyebrows replying "fucking right I would but I hope I wont have to" firmly. Ian shook his head not sounding as convincing as he would liked "I hope so too" softly.

Mickey pushed Ian back against the sink looking at him stumbling over his words "you know you did ask me to look out for you if something ever happened and you were a danger to yourself and I told you I would and I fucking meant it and I still mean it" firmly. Ian looked down at ground letting out a shaky sigh of relief realizing that Monica's words of Mickey leaving him when things got bad had no effect over him anymore.

They hadnt had any effect on him for a long while and he realized it was just his own fear of being abandoned that was still throwing up insecure thoughts all the time. They fell into a comfortable silence and Ian felt a lot better knowing that he had one person in his life he could trust to look out for him and he didnt know why those words from his boyfriend had such an effect on him right now.

Ian almost whispered "I know you do" not adding just need to hear it sometimes because I'm an insecure idiot when it comes to my disorder. Mickey bit his lips anxiously blurting out "and if you ever feel like hurting yourself just talk to me" firmly. Ian looked at him shaking his head with a small weak smile replying "yeah" softly. Mickey rested his hand on the back of Ian's neck replying "and if its really bad you can just punch me, fuck knows Terry did it enough" bitterly.

Ian scoffed looking at his boyfriend replying "not fucking funny and I'm not going to punch you" lightly. They laughed before falling silent and Mickey replied "I know you wouldnt" not adding I'd rather you hurt me than you hurt yourself even though that sounds really fucked up. Mickey just hated the thought of Ian hurting himself or worse and he was scared something would happen and he wouldnt be there to help Ian but he wouldnt let Ian know that he had that fear.

They both knew it was a reality concerning Ian's disorder but it was something they never really spoke about because they hoped it would never happen or get that bad. Ian pulled Mickey closer to him hugging him tightly resting his face on Mickey's shoulder silently thanking the universe for making his path cross with Mickey again because the last year and half since they left the hospital had been a lot easier now that he wasnt alone anymore.

Mickey pushed right up against Ian wrapping his arms around Ian's shoulders feeling Ian take a deep breath and slowly exhale feeling the warm breath fan out over his shoulder and Mickey was so relieved that Ian was back in his life for good this time. Ian looked at his boyfriend silently resting his forehead against Mickey's asking "when is Mandy getting here" curiously.

Mickey groaned rubbing his fingers along Ian's shoulder blades replying "in a while, she didnt say what time" softly. Ian rolled his eyes "sounds like her alright" softly. Mickey grunted as he looked at Ian "should fucking cancel, tell her I'm sick or something" firmly. Ian laughed replying "dont think that would stop her, anyway Mandy said she's bringing weed, said its the good stuff" lightly.

Mickey softly smiled feeling Ian's warm breath fan out over his face so he leaned into Ian a bit more to which Ian just pulled him closer so their bodies were pressed right up against each other even though there was no space left between them in the small bathroom. Mickey mumbled "fucking better be" softly. Ian softly laughed not hiding the amusement from his expression asking "why do you not want her here" lightly.

Mickey opened his eyes to look at Ian and rolled his eyes stopping himself from blurting out what he really wanted to say instead replying "because she talks to fucking much" lightly. Ian didnt believe a word replying slightly smirking "yeah not buying it, spill it Milkovich" humouredly. Mickey just shrugged his shoulders mumbling "fine dont believe me" in a whisper before burying his face in Ian's neck breathing in the smell of his boyfriend and trying to hide the stupid grin on his face.

It was times like this right here that Mickey was pissed off by Ian, he hated that Ian saw through his bullshit all the time. He hated that he was so smitten by Ian that it was moments like this that he loved when it was just the two of them in their own world in their own apartment with no interruptions but he didnt know that Ian felt the same way too. He just felt Ian hug him tighter and since he was standing awkwardly he moved his legs so one of Ian's legs was between his own as he felt Ian kiss the side of his head.

Ian leaned against the sink resting his arms around Mickey's lower back tightly thinking that maybe his boyfriend was right, they should have cancelled their planned movie night with Mandy but it was too late now since they heard a knock on the door. Mickey groaned mumbling something incoherently and Ian softly laughed blurting out "she'll be gone in a few hours then you'll get me all to yourself" lightly.

Mickey rolled his eyes before looking at Ian mumbling "better fucking be, this was your fucking idea" lightly. Ian scoffed "fucking wasnt, another one of our stupid therapist's idea" before adding "you both have to socialise more" mockingly. Mickey laughed replying "yeah we need to stop listening to her" humouredly. Ian nodded in agreement before blurting out "you know I want you all to myself too" shyly.

Mickey bit down a smile on his face but he couldnt hide the red tinge of embarrassment on his face replying "you'll get me all to yourself later" before looking over Ian's body adding "now go put a fucking shirt on and stop distracting me" humouredly. Ian full on laughed and let his boyfriend go letting his arms fall to his side asking "I'm distracting am I" confidently. Mickey shook his head almost sighing in exasperation flipping Ian the middle finger retorting "fuck you asshole" lightly before walking out of the bathroom to the sounds of Ian's laughter shaking his head in disbelief.

Ian watched him leave before looking down at the floor letting out a deep breath thinking over their conversation and he had a feeling he would be okay. He didnt feel lost and broken like he used to in the hospital and he knew he had his boyfriend for that as he gripped the sink with his fingers and slightly shook his head knowing he would be okay. Ian left the bathroom and went into their bedroom to put on a tshirt but decided to be a little shit and put on one of his boyfriend's tshirts knowing Mickey liked it when they wore each others clothes.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian left the room and went to the kitchen to make some food since he was hungry after his workout. Mickey was looking into the fridge as Mandy leaned against the sink telling Mickey there was a change of plans adding "so you both want to come out with me" curiously. Ian walked over to Mandy and hugged her asking "go out where" curiously. Mandy hugged him back before letting him go replying "I asked fuckhead here if you want to come out with me tonight and my friend from work" curiously.

Ian looked over at Mickey who shut the door of the fridge replying "I dont want to go out with you and your fucking friend" loudly. Mandy glared at him retorting "well fuck you then, I'll ask Ian" icily. Mandy looked at Ian asking "so you want to" softly. Ian wasnt really in the mood and didnt want to leave the apartment right now. He felt shitty all day and it was nothing to do with his meds since they were working fine but he just felt down and didnt want to go anywhere.

Ian faltered replying "not really in the mood, sorry" softly. Mandy looked at him with a concerned expression asking "you okay, something wrong" curiously. Ian stood up a little straighter hoping Mandy didnt notice how anxious he felt replying "its fine, I'm just tired is all" firmly. Ian knew that Mickey probably noticed it but Mandy didnt and just smiled at him replying "okay next time then" firmly.

Ian shook his head relaxing a little since Mandy didnt force the issue replying "yeah definately" firmly. Mickey pulled some food out of the press beside the fridge asking "where the fuck you going anyway" softly. Mandy rolled her eyes "meeting my friend at the bar you work at, going to say you said drinks were on you" humoredly. Mickey turned around glaring at his sister shouting "fuck no, I'm not paying for your fucking drinks" icily.

Ian laughed seeing the amused look on Mandy's face as she added "oh you are, dragging me all the way up here to run scams for you so you fucking owe me" lightly. Mickey glared at her angrily hating she was playing that card, he hated that she was using the scams they ran to help pay for Ian's meds against him retorting "nobody fucking asked you to" loudly. Ian knew it was a sore spot for Mickey quickly interjecting "she's joking Mickey, ignore her" lightly.

Mandy smirked as she looked over at Ian innocently asking "am I" lightly. Mickey snapped "get the fuck out Mandy, why do you have to be such a bitch all the time" icily before storming out of the room. Mandy watched him leave the room realizing she hit a nerve and looked at Ian blurting out "I was only joking, it doesnt bother me with the scams, I'd do anything to help you, you both know that" softly. Ian stepped closer to her replying "I know you were and you do help a lot and I appreciate it but you just hit a nerve" softly knowing that Mickey hated having to get help from Mandy and Iggy on the scams.

He knew that Mickey just wanted to be able to support Ian on his own but he wasnt bringing in as much money with his own scams which was why Mandy and Iggy had started pulling scams of their own to support Ian. Mandy rested against the counter crossing her arms over her chest feeling really pissed off angrily blurting out "forget it, he's an asshole, dont know how you put up with that shit or what you see in him sometimes" harshly.

Ian glared at her knowing she was wrong about her brother and defended his boyfriend retorting "you dont know him like I do so shut up with that shit and leave him alone and dont ever fucking say that to me again" angrily. Mandy saw from his expression that he meant it and wondered if it was really true knowing it probably was since she was never close to her brother replying "fine whatever" lightly.

Ian changed the conversation deciding to make some food asking "so why are you going to a gay bar, something youre not telling me" humoredly. Mandy laughed looking at Ian as he moved around the small kitchen replying "I've been down there before you know" lightly. Ian grinned to himself before looking at her not hiding the amusment from his face replying "I know you have but not with another girl" lightly.

Mandy felt really insecure now and like Ian was going to judge her hesitating "no...its not like that, just my friend from work, she asked me to go so I said I would" shyly. Ian stopped what he was doing and turned to face her not believing a word replying "if you say so" humoredly. Mandy glared at Ian snapping before she could stop it "fuck you, bisexual men exist you know and so do people like me, so there I'm fucking bisexual okay, we fucking exist" angrily.

Ian held his hands up in surrender not hiding his suprise replying "I wasnt having a go at you, I was just joking" firmly. Mandy glared at him until she saw he meant it and relaxed blurting out "sorry for snapping at you" genuinely. There was silence before she hesitated "its just new for me you know, I always knew something was there, wasnt completely straight but just denied it, never really did anything about it either, until now" softly.

Ian hugged her tightly rubbing his hand up and down her back replying "its okay, I didnt mean to push" firmly. They were interruped when Mickey walked over to them quipping "you always fucking push, now Mandy knows how I fucking feel" lightly as he grabbed a beer from the fridge. He sat in the chair at the small table not noticing Mandy tense up as she hesitantly spoke "you hear all that" tightly.

Mickey scoffed looking at her "you can hear everything from every room in this fucking place so yeah I did" lightly. Mandy shifted slightly on her feet remaing guarded asking "so you dont give a shit about me being bisexual" curiously. Ian got back to making some food to eat as Mickey rubbed his forehead in frustration before looking at her replying "I'm living with my fucking boyfriend of who knows how many years at this stage, you really think I give a shit you like girls as well as guys because I dont" firmly.

Mandy silently shook her head and looked at her feet blurting out "just because you were okay with being gay doesnt mean I was or am" bitterly. Mickey bitterly laughed replying "it took me a long time to be, you know who our fucking dad was, you really think it was easy to live with it when I realized I was gay" angrily not adding that it was Ian that helped him accept he was gay. Mandy shook her head again looked at her brother replying "yeah good point" softly.

A silence fell before Ian looked between his boyfriend and Mandy as he quipped "pity Terry wasnt still alive to see this" lightly. Mickey and Mandy looked at each other with identical expressions of shock before they started laughing as Mickey blurted out "he'd have a fucking heart attack, the biggest homophobe in Southside has two kids who are gay and bisexual" humoredly. Mandy snorted adding "fucking karma" lightly.

The laughter died down before Mickey looked at his sister adding "I really dont give a shit but just be careful, there's still people out there who hate people like us" softly. Mandy shook her head replying "always am" softly. Ian was leaning against the counter looking at them adding "yeah heard enough stories from people when I used to work at the clubs and the bar to know that's true" softly. Mandy looked around at the clock on the oven realizing she was late blurting out "shit I'm late" softly.

Mandy stood up and took some weed along with a rolled joint out of her pocket and threw it on the table "present from me, its good shit" firmly. Mickey grabbed the small bag of weed and the joint replying "fucking better be" lightly. Mandy shrugged "dont smoke it all in one go" as she walked passed them towards the door adding "later losers" as she left the apartment.

Mickey thought over what Mandy had just told him and he really did not see that coming but he was happy for his sister, he just wished she was able to come to terms with a little sooner but then she didnt have an Ian in her life. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian sit on top of him resting his arms over his shoulders asking "you okay" curiously.

Mickey ran his hand along Ian's thighs letting out a deep breath looking at Ian not able to hide his frustration "yeah I am now, she just pissed me off with the owe me shit, I dont owe her anything, no one asked for her fucking help" angrily. Ian shook his head replying "I know" softly. Mickey rested his hands behind Ian's lower back hesitantly "you really think I'm an asshole" shyly.

Ian didnt hesitate "no I dont, just loud and opinionated but not an asshole, wouldnt change it for anything" firmly. Mickey laughed pulling Ian closer to him looking downwards trying to hide the embarrasment growing on his face hesitantly replying "yeah thought so but thanks for telling her she doesnt know me and to shut up" shyly. Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's head forcing him to look at him asking "why are you embarrased, I'll always have your back you know that" firmly.

Mickey bit his lip shrugging his shoulder while looking off to the side stumbling over the words before he could stop them from coming out "no one ever sticks up for me so why would you" in a whisper. Ian almost missed it asking "what, say that again" softly. Mickey groaned rolling his eyes trying to push Ian off him but Ian just kept his weight on Mickey and gripped the back of the chair so Mickey couldnt go anywhere asking "just tell me, please" curiously.

Ian really wanted to know if he heard right but he wasnt sure he heard what he thought he heard because the idea that no one ever stuck up for his boyfriend was just unthinkable. Mickey pinched the bridge of his nose squeezing his eyes shut before letting his hand rest on Ian's hip and looking at Ian knowing he would never judge him forcing out "no one ever sticks up for me like that, youre the only person who ever has" firmly.

Ian blinked before shyly asking "really" softly. Mickey bitterly scoffed snapping "fucking really, I dont have any friends, never did except you, didnt need anyone else and my own family hated me, everyone in Southside was always too fucking afraid of me or thought I was a piece of shit that wasnt worth knowing so why would anyone fucking stick up for me, been taking shit from people my whole fucking life" not adding that he was sick of it too.

But Ian picked up on the unspoken words replying "yeah well you'll always have me on your side" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes slightly shaking his head looking at Ian blurting without meaning to "kinda got that months ago" shyly. Ian softly laughed before replying "good....foods nearly ready" softly. Mickey rested his hands on Ian's hips replying "good I'm fucking starving" as his stomach made a noise of agreement.

Ian went to stand up but Mickey pulled him back silently looking at Ian hesitating "same here, I mean I'll always be on your side, you know that right" softly. Ian grinned looking downwards resting his hands on Mickey's shoulders knowing he proved that when they saw Monica that day before looking back up at him replying "I know" firmly. Mickey moved in the seat and went to push Ian off him but Ian stood up and Mickey disappeared from the kitchen to find filters to roll up some of the weed.

Ian knew that today was hard for his boyfriend but he also knew Mickey was trying so hard and he really hated that Mandy couldnt see what he could see in his boyfriend. When Mickey came back into the room and they grabbed their food and moved over to sit on the sofa to watch a movie. Ian realized he liked being the only one to know Mickey in a way no one else ever would and he knew Mickey felt the same way about him too.

After they finished eating Mickey started to roll up some of the weed into a joint sneaking glances and looks over at Ian who was engrossed watching the movie. Mickey didnt really pay much attention to the TV screen, he had something better beside him that he could look at all day. He didnt see how Ian thought his scars made him ugly because Mickey thought Ian was the opposite of ugly inside and out.

He thought over what Ian said to his sister and he realized that he also knew Ian in a way no one else would and he was grateful for it because what he had with Ian was something he thought he lost forever when Ian left over three years ago. But somehow the universe had other plans for him and here he was with Ian again in his life and he knew there was no way he ever letting him go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where Mandy thinking she is bisexual came from because I didn't even plan it for the story, it just happened. So I left it in because I like the idea of Terry who is homophobic having two kids that are gay and bisexual.


	27. A tiny hope that burns into my breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mickey voices some insecurities to Ian and Ian realizes he has moved on from his past.

Mickey had just come back into the apartment soaking wet as it was raining outside so he went straight to their bedroom to get changed into dry clothes. He really didnt want to leave the house today as it was cold and wet but he had a scam arranged with Mandy and Iggy and needed the money. He took the damp money out of the pocket of his jeans and threw it on the on top of the drawers with all the other crap that resided on top of it along with Ian's med bottles.

Mickey glared at bottles hating their existence since they were so expensive and he didnt get why a fortune was charged on meds that were meant help people who needed the medications. Mickey shook his head as he took off his jeans and wet tshirt and hoodie threw them on the ground before putting on dry jeans and long sleeve tshirt he knew belonged to Ian. He knew Ian still wore it as it smelled of his boyfriend but it was warm and comfortable so Mickey didnt care at all as he felt himself relax and warm up too.

He left the room and went into the kitchen for some leftover food from the fridge noticing Ian was asleep lying down on the sofa with a TV playing a movie quietly in the background. Mickey looked into the fridge and rolled his eyes at all leftover meals that were in there since Ian had decided to start eating healthy because he didnt want to gain weight because of his meds. But Mickey didnt really care since Ian looked good which he loved a lot and he made nice food for them both so he couldnt complain about Ian deciding to get healthy especially if he got nice food out of it.

He reached in a grabbed some leftovers and heated them up in the oven. He sat at the small table feeling glad that Ian was just happy again and working on getting over his past mistakes but he also knew Ian was trying hard to forget the past and forgive himself too. Mickey ate his food silently while glancing over at Ian every few minutes realizing that he was happy too, that Ian made him happy all the time.

He silently got lost in his own thoughts wondering where Ian would be right now if they had never met at the hospital. He wondered if Ian would have voluntarily stayed there for as long as he could or if Ian would leave Chicago again and never take control of his disorder. Or would Ian take control of his disorder and decide he no longer wanted anything to do with him anymore and Mickey hated that thought more than all the other thoughts he had in his head.

The thought of Ian leaving him behind scared him and he hated himself for thinking it because he could never imagine his life now without Ian in it at all. Ian was a big part of his life and it made him sad to think they may have never met again if he hadnt picked going to hopsital over prison to avoid his father in prison. Mickey just hated that thought because he knew if he never chose to go the hospital for six months over prison Ian would all alone right now.

Mickey felt his thoughts go to that place he never dared think about since Ian had come back into his life. He started wondering if he went to prison instead where would Ian be right now, would he even be alive or would he have killed himself due to a depressive episode. Mickey knew just how low Ian had been, how unhappy he had been since the first day he walked into that room in the hospital.

When Mickey first laid eyes on Ian after three years he didnt recognize his friend lying lost, broken and defeated on the bed in the room. He knew something happened to Ian but he didnt know what it was and in that moment he decided he was never letting Ian go ever again. He knew he was an idiot for ever letting Ian leave town and seeing Ian in the hospital he regretted it and he hated himself for not telling Ian that he wanted him to stay.

But Mickey knew his pride got in the way so he let Ian walk away and go on his adventure fully believing that Ian would come back home after a few months away. But those few months turned into three years and Mickey had given up hope on Ian ever coming back home. He only gave up because he believed no one would ever come back for him since he wasnt good enough for anyone especially Ian and he was stupid to think Ian would ever come back for him despite his promise that he would come back home.

Even though it hurt at the time Mickey knew if Ian ever did come back he would welcome the redhead back with open arms. But when he chose to go to the hospital over prison he was not in a million years expecting Ian to be in the same building and when he saw Ian all that hurt went out the window. He could see it on Ian that he was different to how he was the day he left Chicago, he looked broken and lost and like he had no reason to live anymore.

It was only when they got comfortable with each other again and learned to trust each other a little more that he found out the full extent of what Ian had been through since he was away. Hearing all of that made Mickey want to kill someone out of anger for what happened to Ian and that anger was mainly at himself too for not being there for Ian over the years. He also felt angry because he didnt understand how anyone could hurt Ian because he thought Ian was the nicest person he knew in his whole life.

Mickey was used to being treated like shit by people, he was used to people looking down at him like something they stepped on but Ian never looked at him like that or treated him like shit. Even when they were smaller and Terry used to beat him to within an inch of his life he always had Ian to go to when he had nowhere else to go. Mickey knew he was lucky to have Ian in his life but he felt even luckier to have Ian back again for a second time and he was going to make sure Ian knew just how much he cared about him this time around.

Even though he was still afraid Ian would want to leave again he trusted his boyfriend when he said if he did want to leave then he was taking Mickey with him because he didnt want to be alone. He knew Ian was afraid of being alone, he admitted it the last time his meds stopped working and Mickey spent days lying in bed with him making sure he wasnt alone. Mickey knew they had become much closer since they left the hospital and he didnt even want to imagine life without Ian.

He couldnt imagine it but he knew if it really happened then he didnt know what he would do because Ian was his whole life. Even though that thought scared him he also didnt really care because he didnt want to be without Ian for the rest of his life and knew Ian felt the same way too. Mickey shook himself out his thoughts realizing his plate was empty and went to get a beer from the fridge.

He took a drink of it as he sat back down on the chair trying not think of where would he be if he never ended up in the hospital. But those thoughts were forcing their way to the surface and there was nothing he could do to stop it as he silently drank the beer he was now holding in his hand. He knew he would probably be stuck in some loveless marraige and firmly back in the closet thanks to his piece of shit father.

Mickey knew he probably would have took his chances, grabbed Mandy and left Chicago over paying his father's debt for him because he knew he would rather die than live under his father's thumb. He just knew that after the small freedom Ian had shown him when they used to go to the gay bars on the Northside that there was no way he could go back to pretending to be something he wasnt anymore.

He couldnt go back to trying to tell himself he was straight when he knew that he wasnt and that he liked other men. He couldnt hate Ian for showing him a safe space where people like himself and Ian were accepted because Ian showed him freedom. Ian made him feel free and there was no way he could ever go back on that, he couldnt go back to his own personal prison of the closet not after Ian had showed him a whole other world.

He always felt envious that Ian so easily accepted his sexuality, he owned it in a way that Mickey wasnt sure he would ever be able to do as long as he lived. But some part of him whispered in his mind that maybe he did get to that stage if he was willing to say no to Terry's arrangement and say he was fucking gay in a bar full of people. Mickey softly laughed to himself knowing it was probably some part of Ian inside him that gave him the guts to be himself and stand up to Terry.

While a decision was being made of if he should be sent to the same prison as Terry or to a hospital for anger issues he regretted admitting he was gay to Terry for a while but the second he saw Ian in that room he didnt regret his decision anymore. If it meant being with Ian again he would deal with the consequences when they left the hospital but Terry was now dead and Mickey no longer felt any fear of consequences from Terry.

But now that he was living with Ian Mickey felt like he completely accepted who he was and he was glad Ian was back in his life and there was no way he was ever letting Ian leave again. He finished off the rest of his beer and left the empty bottle on the table deciding he needed something stronger.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian didnt even know Mickey was home until he felt someone sit on top of him just below his stomach with a leg each side of him so he opened his eyes to see his boyfriend looking down at him with a small smile on his face. He noticed Mickey's hair was wet mumbling "when did you get home" curiously. Mickey laughed "half an hour ago, you were too busy sleeping to even notice I was here so I got something to eat, didnt want to disturb you" lightly.

Ian rubbed his eyes with his fingers and moved a little mumbling "I was tired" softly. Mickey knew it was the meds that sometimes made Ian tired as he looked over his boyfriend trying not to get distracted blurting out "got five grand from that moving truck scam, a grand each went to Mandy and Iggy so we got three grand left so we should be okay for the next few months to pay for the meds" firmly.

Ian opened his eyes looking at his boyfriend feeling relieved that everything went to plan with the scam as it was a riskier one than they usually pulled replying "that's good" softly. Mickey leaned down lightly kissing Ian on the lips knowing Ian would want to know forcing out "its just now we cant do that scam for a while but like I said, we should be okay for a while" firmly.

Ian looked at him letting out a sigh of relief that they had a three grand to cover them for months and he didnt have to worry about having money every month for a good while to pay for his meds. Ian silently looked up at Mickey hesitantly blurting out "I hate that you had to do that scam, its why I was asleep, it was better than worrying if you got caught" not able to hide the fear in his voice.

Mickey leaned down resting his elbows each side of Ian's head looking at him intensely replying "hey stop worrying, I've pulled riskier shit than the moving truck scam for my dad, it just means we cant do this scam for a while which is why its good we got three grand out of it for ourselves and Mandy and Iggy got their cut too" firmly. Ian rested his hands on Mickey lower back slightly nodding his head noticing his long sleeve tshirt was now on his boyfriend not that he minded at all since the tshirt he was wearing belonged to Mickey.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Mickey stood up and grabbed a joint off the table along with a lighter and the ashtray they stole from the bar before sitting back on top of Ian just below his stomach with a leg each side of him resting the ashtray on the armrest. He lit up the joint with the lighter and inhaled it while silently looking at Ian deciding he was done looking back on his past and regretting what he did and didnt do.

When Ian took the joint out of his hand and smoked it Mickey kept his eyes on his boyfriend deciding that this right here with Ian was what he was focusing on from now on. Ian was more important to him and he didnt know what he was still worrying about since Terry was dead and Monica was gone for now and he sure as fuck along with Ian wasnt going to sit around wondering when she would show up to ruin their lives again.

He knew that if she ever did come back he would just threaten her again and that Ian was now strong enough to tell her where to go since she no longer had any power or control over him anymore. Mickey took the joint back off Ian and smoked it blurting out before he could stop it hesitantly "would you have just left again if we never met in the hospital" in a whisper. Ian's eyes widened not expecting that question not able to lie looking at his boyfriend replying "honestly I dont know, when I went in there it was a last minute decision, I wanted to get away from my family" softly before falling silent.

Ian rested his hands on Mickey's thighs as he thought some more adding "I just felt so alone and lost, I knew I wasnt dealing with my disorder" before falling silent as he thought of what to say continuing "its hard to say but maybe me being there meant some part of me wanted to get my disorder under control" softly. Mickey silently watched Ian hating that he put his boyfriend on the spot with his question but seeing Ian's reaction it made him wonder if Ian ever really thought about his question at all.

Mickey smoked some more of the joint resting his other hand on Ian's stomach blurting out "sorry for putting you on the spot, its just something I wondered earlier" softly. Ian lightly rubbed Mickey's thighs replying "its okay, I just never thought about it before" as he took the joint of Mickey and smoked some of it before handing it back to his boyfriend.

A comfortable silence fell as Ian thought it over and he knew a lot of Monica's shit was still in his head when he went into the hospital. But he knew once he got her lies out of his head there was one thing he would have done as he looked at Mickey "I would have looked for you and if you didnt want me back then I would have left you alone" softly. Mickey softly laughed out of relief looking at Ian shyly blurting out "there's no way I would have told you to go away, I love you too much to tell you to fuck off and youre an idiot for not knowing that" lightly.

Ian rolled his eyes wrapping his arms around Mickey's lower back pulling him a little closer replying "I know that now but at the time I didnt" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian slightly nodding knowing all about Monica's lies replying "just once you know that now" in a whisper. Ian swallowed the dryness in his mouth hesitating "when I saw you in the hospital that day I was scared you wouldnt want anything to do with me, I knew you were what I always wanted and I was afraid I lost that" softly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian before mumbling "can understand that" knowing the full extent of Monica's manipulations now. Ian didnt even hesitate blurting out "but when we got together I knew I just wanted to be with you, I wouldnt have went anywhere without you so no I wouldnt have left you even though I was afraid that you would leave me" shyly.

Mickey couldnt stop himself from grinning and bit his lip looking at Ian as he smoked the rest of the joint and stubbed it out in the ashtray before putting the ashtray on the floor feeling himself relax more and more as tiredness and the effects of the weed and beer took over him. He moved so he was lying down between Ian's legs fully lying on top of his boyfriend resting his elbows each side of his head looking down at Ian blurting out before he could stop it "wouldnt have let you leave even if you wanted to, definately would have left with you" firmly.

Ian softly laughed not looking away from Mickey knowing he meant it rubbing his fingers up and down his boyfriend's spine replying "I know" softly. A silence fell as Mickey ran his hand through Ian's hair lightly tugging at the longish bits while looking at Ian who shakily asked "and what if I want to leave again" not able to hide the fear in his voice. Mickey didnt hesitate replyng "then I'll go with you, I dont care where we go just once I'm with you" firmly.

Ian let out a sigh of relief feeling like that fear he had of Mickey walking away from him if he wanted to leave was blown to pieces since Mickey made it clear he wasnt letting Ian go anywhere with out him, that he wasnt all alone anymore. He also realized that Monica's lies were a small whisper in the back of his head that were easily ignored right now and he was more focused on what was right in front of him and that was more important.

Ian softly smiled sighing in relief whispering "so I'm not alone" softly knowing it was more to himself than to Mickey. Mickey lightly kissed Ian on the lips before looking at him "no because you got me, just remember that" firmly. Ian swallowed the lump in his throat wrapping his arms around Mickey tightly knowing his boyfriend meant every word and the rest of his life living with this disorder didnt seem so scary anymore.

Ian blinked back the tears that formed in his eyes as weight of his boyfriend's words and intense stare washed over him replying "yeah" wetly. Mickey rested his hand on Ian's cheek before lightly kissing him on the forehead and looked at Ian blurting out "I love you Ian, I'll never let anything happen to you" firmly. Ian believed it and shook his head accepting the words replying "I love you too, I just need you a lot" shyly.

Mickey rolled his eyes replying "need you a lot too" lightly. Ian cleared his throat mumbling "can we just stay here for a while" softly. Mickey nodded replying "yeah, wasnt planning on leaving this spot anyway" lightly and it was the truth because he loved lying on top of Ian or under him in their own apartment. Mickey moved to lie on his side pulling Ian with him so their legs were tangled together and arms wrapped around each other on the sofa for while just lost in their own world that they both happily never wanted to leave.

A while later after a heavy makeout session Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head looking at him slightly laughing "you know youre stuck with me right" lightly. Ian who was now lying on top of Mickey softly laughed looking back at him sliding his hand under Mickey's tshirt feeling the warm skin over his ribs against his hand replying "yeah but I'm not complaining, anyway your stuck with me too" lightly. Mickey grinned at Ian sliding his hand up and down Ian's back under his tshirt feeling the warm skin replying "good, that's all I need to know" lightly.

Ian didnt even hide his grin and smiling eyes as he went back to kissing his boyfriend and making him feel good with his hands. He was interrupted a few minutes later when Mickey lightly tugged on his hair so Ian stopped what he was doing looking at his boyfriend asking "what" lightly. Mickey didnt even want to look away looking at Ian intensely blurting out "youre the best thing that ever happened to me, I dont ever want to lose that again" softly.

Ian relaxed resting his hand on Mickey's cheek replying "youre the best thing that ever happened to me too, we wont lose it again, I wont let it happen" firmly and he meant it. Mickey swallowed the lump in throat feeling himself falter under Ian's intense gaze knowing Ian meant every word and all he could do was grab the back of Ian's neck so they could get back to what they were doing on the sofa.

Mickey knew they would be okay, he had Ian back and he didnt care about anything else not when Ian was lying on top of him making him feel so good, making him feel like they were the only two in the world right now and they sort of were since they were locked away in their own apartment. Ian also knew they would be okay and that he was in a good place in his life right now with his boyfriend.

He never wanted to lose that and he knew he meant it when he just told his boyfriend he would never let it happen because he didnt know what he would do without Mickey. Ian didnt care if the world ended right now because he was happy with Mickey and he didnt care about anything else especially right now in their apartment. Ian didnt know how he managed to go three years without this, without his boyfriend who was the only person who actualy gave a shit about him at all.

But he knew those three years away led to this moment right now. Every bad idea, decision and thought took him away from Mickey. It took him losing the most important thing in his life to realize it was the one thing he always needed. But somehow he had found his way back home to Mickey and he was never going to leave ever again and he knew that Mickey knew it too.

Ian knew he got his second chance with Mickey and he was never going to fuck it up because he didnt know what he would do if he lost the only person who mattered to him, who didnt care about his disorder. Ian had been through way too much shit and he was much stronger now especially since Mickey was with him all the time and he felt like everything would be okay. All the pain he had been through over the three years he was away from Mickey was worth it if he got this here right now with Mickey on their sofa. Ian decided to just let himself be happy because he was happy and he knew his boyfriend was happy too and it was all the mattered right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its the final chapter in this story and I feel sad about it because I loved writing this and I don't want it to end. But I don't want to add more for the sake of it and ruin the story so I ended where I did and I hope it was a nice conclusion. 
> 
> Lastly I want to say thank you to the people who read this story, kudos-d it and those who read it but didn't leave either one, I just hope you enjoyed it. And for cdt1234, thanks for commenting on every chapter, l loved exchanging comments with you on the chapter, it was nice to see what you thought of the chapter too. Hope you enjoyed the final chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it.


End file.
